Chapter Twenty-One

Caroline

I did it. I flew that stupid plane all the way to the private airport outside of Manhattan. Tahoe kept a straight face, trying to hide his phobia of flying in small planes. I was grateful if only for having one less thing to deal with. I was on alert the entire time, using more caution than I’ve used since I was a flight student. It was a smooth ride and everything went as planned. I spent all of Wednesday and Thursday tracking weather patterns and studying air traffic patterns outside of the area.

“Wear the green one, Caroline,” Malena hollers from the other side of the suite. “I’m going to wear the lilac one. Britt is wearing the champagne colored skirt and black blouse,” she adds. I do have my own room here at this beautiful hotel, but everyone is getting ready here because there’s more space. Tahoe is one floor down and seven doors to the right. On the corner. I’ve seen New York in movies, but I never expected it to be so busy. In real life, it is so grand. There’s no grass save for squares here and there, and in Central Park. The buildings take up all the space where sky should be. The city has a way of making you feel small and insignificant, but it’s an experience I’m happy to be having. An outlook I never considered.

Tahoe took me to breakfast and then after a make out session in his room, he took me to lunch, and now we’re in our separate quarters getting ready for the festivities tonight.

His friends have promised debauchery and the finest strip clubs money can buy, and my friends, or rather Malena, by herself, has lined up the best restaurant, and bars. She did it all on the crazy time crunch of a week that we gave her, and she did it happily, without asking me too many questions. Though, I have a sneaking suspicion she probably pestered Tahoe with most of her concerns in an effort to keep me from freaking out and calling the whole thing off.

I finger the green dress in my hands and shake my head. This is going to make for an interesting evening. Britt, who only came because Malena begged, has been on full on jealous mode because not only am I getting married before her, we’re in a big city celebrating my union. Not in a dirty bar sipping old, foamy beer while feeding a juke box. She didn’t cancel her wedding to Whit, but they did pause it. I’m not even sure what that means, or how it’s any different, but that’s what she’s been saying to anyone who asks.

Shirley hangs up her cell behind me with a curt goodbye. “Caroline, it’s going to look amazing. Put the damn dress on and let’s get this party started.” I sip the champagne, my third glass since I started getting ready. Someone came to the room and did our makeup and hair, and I’ve never felt so fancy in my entire life. “I won’t even look like this on my wedding day, Shirley. Isn’t it,” I say, slurring a bit. “All too much?”

She laughs and lays her hands on my shoulders. “All women need to feel like a princess once in their life. Put it on,” she orders. I do, and she zips me up, moving my cascade of curls to one shoulder. “You look like a blonde Princess Kate,” Shirley drawls. “He knew what he was doing.”

“What do you mean he knew? He chose this?” I run my hands down the sleek fabric as I stare in the mirror.

“Of course he did.” I knew he was footing the bill for this weekend, and I was hesitant to let him, but I never would imagine his duties involved selecting fashion for his bride.

“I love it,” I say.

“Now you love it,” Shirley says, rolling her eyes. She’s wearing a black number complimented with thick, dark eye makeup. ‘A 90’s grunge dream come to life’ she proclaimed after the makeup artist completed her look.

I turn to view the back of the dress, eyeing the detail more thoroughly. “Of course I love it more now that I know he likes it. Take a photo and send it to mama,” I say. I pose with my hands on my hips and it feels awkward. “Wait, wait. Take another one. How should I pose?” I ask my friend.

She tilts her head, surveying me. “Cross your ankles. One hand on your hip. Turn to the side a little. Hair over that shoulder,” she orders, as I try my best to follow along. “A little bit more twist. Yes. Like that.”

Her cell phone camera flashes and she squints her eyes as she appraises the image. “Perfect.”

“Let me see,” I say, teetering on my heels to stand next to her. It is a good photo. I look like a totally different person. Everything polished and preened to city shine. Shirley presses a few buttons and proclaims it’s been sent. To both my mama and to Tahoe.

My cell phone, the new one, that has a touch screen front and more features than I know what to do with rings on the night stand. Tahoe’s text reads, “You look beautiful. I can’t wait until you’re my wife.” He ends it with a smirking smiley face.

“So you can take the dress off?” I fire back.

His reply is swift. “No, I’ll be taking it off tonight regardless of your marital status.”

My stomach flutters with excitement. As hard as it’s been to stave off the sexual act that has caused so much strife in our lives, the anticipation is something that should seriously be written down in history books. We have done every non-penetrating act of foreplay you can possible do in every position that is humanly possible. He’s frustrated. I cannot wait. There is a tension that crackles in the air when we’re together. Those around us feel it, and despite our best efforts, a lot of time the elephant in the room is the topic of conversation.

Another text pings. “I can’t stop staring at the photo.”

I blush.

“Oh my gosh, would you guys get it over with already? What’s it matter if you do it tonight or next weekend? It’s obvious to anyone in a seven-hundred-mile radius how mad in love you are with each other.” Shirley exclaims as I smile at my phone.

I’ve explained the reasons a dozen times, but no one seems to understand. Sometimes, when having sex feels like the natural next step when we’re messing around and we’re both so fucking mad with lust, I think it doesn’t matter, but our definition is written in ink and we both are holding strong to that belief. We’re together in this. In the decision. “I don’t expect you to understand,” I say.

“Why? Because I’m a whore?” she jokes.

Sighing, I say, “No, because I’ve already tried to explain it to you still continue to ask me. It’s important to us.”

She shakes her head, tells everyone we’re ready and we set off, a tribe of champagne drunk girls as we ride down the elevator. I refused all of the typical bachelorette party fanfare, the mere thought of a penis hat causing me actual stomach cramps. Malena rolled her eyes, Britt got offended, and Shirley changed the subject to dinner. Something we all agreed would be the best experience of our lives.

When the elevator doors ping open in the lobby, he’s there. Standing against a column, wearing a white button up shirt, gray fitted slacks, and dress shoes. Pinching my lips together, I try not to scream like a fan girl seeing her favorite celebrity. He looks delicious in every way. His hair is done, and he’s wearing that smile, with that dimple, and if I wasn’t wearing heels I would sprint at him like a cheetah. One hand is in his pocket like he doesn’t give a shit, and the other hangs by his side so he can be ready at the drop of a hat.

When I finally reach him, he grabs at me, “Come here you.” His growl is a rough timbre, that rolls over me ending between my legs. “It’s almost a crime other men get to see you look like this when I want you all for myself.”

I turn my head to whisper, “I am all yours. And you’re all mine. You look like a movie star.”

“An action star I hope?” he replies, leaning his head onto mine. “One with a big cock and the stamina of Rambo?”

I giggle. A noise that surprises even me. I feel his dick harden against my stomach even further. “Of course, Rambo. The hottest most alpha movie star in the history of Hollywood. One more week,” I remind him. He kisses my head, and steps out of my embrace.

“These two. Ugh,” Britt whines. “You can’t do that all night long you know?”

Malena clacks up to our group and Leif eyes her like she’s dinner. And dessert. “I asked if you guys would be into a Killing Kittens Party and everyone said no,” she says, raising her brows like we’re petulant children. “They could have shagged all night there. I bet her virginity would make for the main attraction.”

“Killing Kittens was on the table,” Aidan barks. “How come no one told me?”

“Killing Kittens was never on the table,” Tahoe growls. “This isn’t about that. This is about having a good night out with our friends in a beautiful city.”

Aidan sighs. “It would have been fun.”
“I know, right?” Malena says, folding her arms across her chest. “No one wants to listen to me. I know how to have a good time.”
Leif looks completely pissed that Malena and Aidan are discussing a sex party. His eyes narrow at his friend and Aidan gets the message quickly, excusing himself to grab a quick drink from the lobby bar.

Dinner is fabulous and the alcohol flows copiously around us. I try to stick to champagne until someone buys shots at the second bar and I’m told it is bad luck to turn it down. Tahoe sips water in between his drinks, mindful of every aspect of the dynamic happening tonight. The last time I was with him and he drank too much, everything went to hell. Aidan and a few of the other SEALs left the first bar to head to the strip club instead of sticking to Malena’s schedule.

She wasn’t bothered. She’s boobs deep in Leif’s arms with hooded eyes and a thick agenda for the night.

Shirley is dancing on top of the bar with Britt and I’m sitting in our booth wrapped in Tahoe’s arms. He’s staring at me—an intense look that lets me know exactly what he’s thinking. The music is loud, and it’s reverberating inside my chest as I let everything wash over me. The whirlwind happened so quickly. I thumb the back of my engagement ring to remind myself it’s real. I’m in this big city, for the first time in my life, taking in everything, with the man that I will love for the rest of time. The drinks go to my head and I lean in to kiss him. My intent is just a peck, but because we’re starved for each other, it ends up being more. He pulls away from me when his breathing speeds and his hands wander where they shouldn’t be in public.

The music lulls into a quieter slow song and the bodies on the dance floor begin to sway in time. “Are you having a good time?” he asks, using distraction to halt the truth. We both want to tear off our clothes and go at it in this leather booth. “I know it’s a lot,” he adds, raising his brows at the fanfare surrounding us. “But you have to please everyone. Weddings are never about the bride and groom anyways.” He grins.

“How did you get so smart?” I ask, scooting away from him. I need a breather and I know he does too if the bulge in his pants is any indication. “Maybe for us, it can be about us,” I say. “It’s going to be small, and the reception will just be dinner. Then the rest of the night is ours alone.”

He sighs, fisting his hands by his sides. “I wish that was right now instead of next weekend.”

“Me too.”

Tahoe’s phone lights up on the table in front of us and he leans over to look. I assume it’s just one of the guys trying to lure him to the strip club, but he grimaces, and flips it so the screen is on the table. “I need to be honest with you about something, Caroline. Before you get worried, it’s nothing that I think is huge, but it’s something you should know.”

My mood shifts a bit, but the alcohol helps keep me from spinning into a fear tirade. “Oh, okay. Do you want to go outside to talk? It’s important?” I ask. “I’ve had a lot to drink,” I admit. “But I’m sure I’ll remember it in the morning.”

His face goes solemn. “Stella wants to talk to you, Sunny. She’s here,” he says, and my heart sinks down to the floor. Through it, actually. It’s probably halfway to China right now. “Well, she lives here. But she’s coming here because Leif invited her, but I didn’t say no either. It might be a good thing if you talked to her.”

The closure. Stella. I should have known, yet it still hurts. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Tyler.”

“Don’t call me Tyler. Come on. It makes me uncomfortable even asking, but that’s because she knows the man I was before there was you. That’s why I’m not scared. I’m that confident in my convictions, and my decisions, and my love for you.”

“Why does she want to talk to me?” It comes out in a rushed panic.

Before he can answer, I see her. What I assume is her, even in my drunken state, because she’s looking for someone, her eyes scanning the crowd and the booths, until she finally spots ours…and then me. Stella is blonde and tall, and as beautiful as you’d expect. “She’s here,” I tell Tahoe. His gaze traces mine and I can see his chest heave a huge sigh next to me. Stella walks toward our table, a small smile on her face, and for some reason my fear vanishes. She’s married, Tahoe said. She has a baby, a family. He said she’s happy. This woman is not a threat. She was never a threat if what Tahoe says is true.

Tahoe stands to greet her, and helps me stand. “Caroline, this is my old friend, Stella. Stella, meet my fiancée, Caroline.”

Stella shakes my hand, and eyes my ring. “You lucky dog,” Stella says, winking at Tahoe. “It’s so nice to meet you, Caroline. Tyler has told me so much about you.” He has? “Only the best of things. It’s like I’m looking at a legend right now,” she adds, eyeing me up and down. It’s not malicious or catty in the way that Britt sometimes regards me, it’s her taking stock of me. It’s curious and confusing.

“I wish I could say the same,” I return. “It is great to meet you. Any friend of Tahoe’s is a friend of mine. Would you like to sit? Have a drink?” I ask, southern manners dictating I host, even when I’m not really hosting.

“I just wanted to stop in and give you both my congratulations. I wouldn’t intrude on your special night,” Stella replies. Leif pulls himself away from Malena to greet Stella and I can see the daggers in my friend’s eyes. Aimed directly at her current threat. Stella. If I could will her cattiness away for a minute, I would. Right now. Because she has no clue.

“Stella,” I interrupt. “Tahoe mentioned you’d like to chat with me for a bit. What do you say? They have a table in the other room we could sit at for a moment or two?” Leif pulls away, some other sense telling him to back away from the woman and return to the drunken one jockeying for his affection. Stella wishes Leif a goodnight, waves at Malena to show no ill will, and agrees to talk to me.

“Are you sure?” Tahoe asks, seeing the exchange and understanding I only offered to save my friend from embarrassing herself.

“Sure. It’s just a talk, right? What can she possibly say? I love you, Tahoe. Nothing will change that.”

His gaze turns worried as he walks me around the table and all the way into a private room. When it is just the three of us, he kisses my cheek, walks out, and closes the door. The silence is the first thing I notice. “Gosh, I wonder what these rooms are actually for,” I exclaim. “You could kill someone in here and no one would know!” I steady myself on one of the plush chairs.

Stella laughs. “You don’t want to know,” she says. Her smile is friendly and there’s no malice behind it. “Not for killing people, though.”

I blush. “I probably don’t want to know, do I?”

“You really are more beautiful than he let on. The innocence box was checked the second you said hello. You know what I think Caroline, flyer of planes and slayer of beastly hearts?”

I grin. “Huh?” I ask.

“That if one person was created for everyone, you were made for him. A few years ago I’d be upset about that, but now that I’ve found my own happiness outside of him, I couldn’t be more thrilled. He deserves to be happy, you know?” Her eyes glass over. “He’s had a really hard life. Had to make some tough decisions.” She looks away, almost as if she’s talking directly to him instead of to me. “He’s the best friend everyone hopes to have. I think losing him as a best friend was the hardest part for me.”

My stomach sinks. I am Stella’s overdue closure. I am the walking talking happily ever after she didn’t get. “He is a great man. No one goes without flaws, but his are of the most forgivable variety. He makes mistakes, but his heart is big. He loves me more than I deserve,” I say. “I’m sorry you lost him as a friend, Stella. But didn’t you leave him?”

“Sit down. Please. Should we grab that drink?” she asks. Suddenly, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. She has information about the man I’m about to marry. With her, she carries a perspective no one else on this entire earth will have. I’d be a fool to act like a jealous fiancée and turn this opportunity down. We both know I’ve already won. There’s no sense to be bitter about it. She’s not. I won’t be.

We start with small talk about her husband and baby and I find myself engrossed with her life. The life she could have had with Tahoe if she hadn’t broken it off, right? But it doesn’t take long for her to veer back to our initial conversation. “Caroline, I broke up with Tahoe, because he didn’t…love me. Not like he loves you. The way you’re supposed to love a person you’re meant to be with forever.”

I widen my eyes. “Oh.” It’s the only response I can muster.

She smiles sadly. “It’s obvious how much he loves you. He told me he blew it with you. The whole drunken, truck cab incident,” she says, her voice trailing off. She’s embarrassed for him. For me. For having to bring it up. “He thought he’d lost you for good. Do you know what he told me?”

Sighing, I take a sip of my water. “I’m not sure I want to know,” I reply, honestly.

“You do,” she says, eyes twinkling. “That you were too perfect for him.”

I laugh at that. “I’m not even close to perfect,” I muse, mostly for my own benefit. “He sees me in some alien light, I think.” We both make a joke about his obsession with perfection, and it’s easy. She knows him. It’s a strange sensation, but not wholly unwelcome.

“That’s it. That’s what love is. What the real stuff is made of. Seeing through your person.” Her eyes light. “I just want you to know how much you mean to him because I know what it feels like to not mean that much.” Her voice catches. “Your innocence doesn’t play into this.”

“How much did he tell you?” I ask, clearing my throat.

“He took my virginity. It was awful,” she says, a smile playing on her lips.

I choke on a sip of water. “Oh my God!” I laugh.

She snickers. “Don’t worry. He got better at it,” she says. “Wait, that’s awkward. I’m sorry.”

Well, he certainly brushed up on foreplay. I have to squeeze my legs together at the reminder of being naked with him. “I hope so.”

She hides her surprise with a sip of her drink, but ignores my admission. “He’s attracted to the opposite of what his life is surrounded with. The death. The destruction. War. Blood. Fighting. Politics. His reprieve is loving, wanting that good inside the untouchable part of his world. He’ll do anything for you. I know he’s going to be the best daddy, too. I wanted you to know that despite any horribly stupid things he might have said and done that the man is worth it. One hundred percent worth it. I wasn’t as lucky as you are and I need to you know that.”

Tears prick my eyes, because I know she’s right. My dreams are made of Tahoe holding our baby, kissing baby toes, being the kind of brave, strong father that I had growing up.

“There wasn’t any hesitation before, but I have to say thank you for telling me this. Your perspective means everything to me. I’m sure it costs you to be honest like this and I appreciate it. So much,” I admit, taking her hands in the center of the small table.

She looks down and thumbs my engagement ring. “He did good, girl.”

Wiping at an errant tear, I laugh. “I know. It’s so beautiful.” The ring in question never was a big deal to me. The idea behind it was everything. He chose it for me. An object of his affection he wants me to wear for the rest of my life.

“You’re welcome, Caroline.”

After she finishes her drink we walk back into the bustling club. Tahoe is pacing next to the booth, the rest of our surly group nowhere in sight. They must have hit the next spot on Malena’s list.

“Are you okay?” Tahoe asks, rushing me. “Everything fine?” he asks Stella when I don’t respond.

“We’re fine, Tyler. We did a little reminiscing,” Stella calls out over the music.

I’m staring. Because I just found another side of the man I love without knowing it. I’ll never question his love for me again. Not after tonight and the things Stella told me.

“I love you,” I say, throwing myself into his arms. Tentatively I feel his arms close around my body.

“Told you,” Stella croons. “You two enjoy the rest of your night. I’m meeting my husband at the bar across the street, we have a sitter until midnight!”

Tahoe peels me away from his body. “You’re sure you’re okay? I love you, too.”

I nod, happy tears spilling down my face. I hug Stella good bye, and she leaves, her light blonde hair disappearing into the crowd. I’ll probably never see her again. The woman he didn’t love enough. The one that happened so he could know I was what true love felt like. Does that eat at her like a disease? To be that close to having something spectacular and having it snatched away? I have to believe she’s happy now. With her life and her choices. It’s the only way I can be thankful and not sad.