Chapter Eight

Caroline

I’m literally counting down the minutes until my shift at the diner ends. I’ve never been this antsy before. I’ve never had something this big to look forward to. For the most part, my life has been a well-orchestrated symphony of scheduled and met expectations. Tahoe is the wild card. He turned last night into something that felt like a pivotal moment I couldn’t go back from. I don’t want to go back from it. Aside from kissing my shoulder and my ear, there was no other physically sexual touches, but his words, our words, had sex simmered in every single syllable. My body is now a lit match, waiting for the explosion.

I’m kneeling on a booth, a wet soapy rag in my hand, when Caleb comes over. He has his white, grimy apron tossed over his shoulder. By the way he’s been glaring, and slamming pans around during our shift, I know whatever he’s here to say isn’t going to be pleasant. “Word on the street is that you’re dating that dude,” Caleb growls. “Whit said he’s a dick.” Way to blame someone else for your own thoughts. Small town tricks for 200, Alex.

I sigh, get the last of the table clean and climb out of the big pleather seat. “Does it really matter what Whit thinks, Caleb? The better question is do you think I care?”

“Everyone cares what people think of them.”

I shrug, and ball up the dirty rag. “Maybe I’m done playing by these rules. You know I was never going to end up with a Bronze Bay boy.” I regret my word choice the second I say it, but for once I’m speaking honestly. When you know what your city looks like from 10,000 feet in the air, you understand how much more to the world there is. Since the first time my daddy took me up in my favorite yellow plane, I wanted more—everything, anything the eye could see. It’s why I became a pilot instead of going to college. I love Bronze Bay, but I know there’s more out there. Leaving it has never been on my list, but neither has settling for someone who doesn’t know what’s out there.

Caleb scoffs. “Now your own kind ain’t even good enough for you? You better be careful. These Bronze Bay Buffoons are the ones who are going to be here long after those assholes blow out of town. They never stay anywhere long. We’re here always. Al-ways.”

Narrowing my eyes, I reply, “How do you know that? Tahoe says this is his permanent base. The attacks changed everything, Caleb. Whatever you thought you knew about SEALs isn’t true anymore. Don’t worry about me,” I say, softening my tone. “I’ll be fine. He’s not like he seems. I appreciate your concern, but I have to ask, why do you care? Because I turned you down?”

He laughs, a sadistic, mean cackle. “You think your shit don’t stink now that you got some steroid filled monster tearing open that pussy every night? Get over yourself. I was only ever nice to you because I felt bad for you. And your mom. You’re a fucking spinster. You’ll be a spinster again when he does leave. Mark my words.”

My blood pulses through my ears and my skin turns a shade of red reserved for true, blue fury. The last time it happened I was twenty and I’d been working on a section of airplane siding for weeks, without my father’s help. On accident, I snapped off a piece that couldn’t easily be replaced. Facing Caleb, I try to keep my shoulders back. To let him see what his words do to me would be criminal. “You don’t have to be so rude. I was only trying to explain why I…I never really fit in. You know as well as I do, that I’m not like the rest of the women here,” I say. I’m giving him grace by not tearing into him like I want to. My jaw clenched, I continue, “Not that it’s your business or anyone else’s, but I’m not sleeping with him. I’m not sure that’s even what you meant by those nasty words.”

Caleb has the good sense to look a little mortified. The high road will do that to people, you know? You can use it as a weapon if you’re skilled enough—the low road seems more seedy when juxtaposed with the high road. He clears his throat and looks past me, out the window. Shaking his head, he growls, “You’re pissing off a lot of people. Know your place, Caroline. That’s all I’m saying.”

When I don’t respond, he clocks out, and lets the back-door slam on his way out. I wince a little, mostly because the thought of people being upset with me, does affect me even if it shouldn’t. Caleb’s words strike a vulnerability inside me. This is my home. These are my people. Sure, everyone is upset with the SEALs for taking our beaches and changing our way of life, but am I wrong to find happiness in the midst of a bad situation?

“I saw Caleb on his way out,” Mama says, locking the front door, and clicking off the open sign. The diner closes early on Sunday. Mama has always said it’s important for us to be together as a family at least one day a week. Even if I think it’s a bad business decision, growing up, I always loved Sundays because of it.

Swallowing hard, I ask, “Did you hear that conversation?”

Sighing, she walks toward me. “No. I assume it’s a conversation you’ve been expecting, no?”

My mother, the kindest woman in the whole wide world has eyes that can make you feel like you’re worth a billion dollars. She sees the good inside of everyone, but especially me. When she looks at people, people notice, they feel comfort, and self-worth, and it’s a God given gift. I think it’s why the diner has always been so successful. You can get a slice of delicious pie and validation for breathing all in one location. I don’t want her to see me right now. “Caroline, look at me baby.” Her soft hands catch mine.

“Mama, why do people care what I do so much? I’m an adult. I’ve never done anything bad to anyone. I’m kind. I work hard and stay to myself.”

Her face, creased with worry, softens a touch. “It’s your light, honey. Everyone else sees something they don’t have. It’s because you’re all of those things that people care. People are always going to talk. It’s just the way it is here. You only give them good things to talk about. Perhaps they’re waiting for you to make a misstep—watching like hawks to see a stumble.”

Her eyes crinkle and I have to close mine. “Do you have a problem with me dating Tyler Holiday?”

“The only problem I have is that you haven’t brought that boy up the hill for dinner yet,” she replies. “Daddy had to hear from the man who mows the property lawns, that you had a guest last night.”

I drop her hands. “Dear Lord, daddy knows he was at my house last night?”

“Caroline. You just said moments ago, you’re an adult. He doesn’t, we don’t, mind that you have a man at your house. Heck, for a long time we were worried you didn’t like men that way, and that my sweet daughter, would have really given these people something to talk about.”

I run a palm across my sweating forehead. There truly are no secrets in this place. “It just became official last night. It wasn’t something I was keeping from you, okay?”

“You’re allowed to keep things from me, honey.” She swipes back my hair on each side of my head with a sweet smile on her thin lips. “I’m happy if you’re happy, and the rest of the lot can stick it where the sun don’t shine.”

I laugh. “I’m going to take him up tonight,” I say, grinning. “I can’t wait to take him over the bay. It’s so beautiful at dusk.” I get caught up in thoughts of watching Tahoe’s face as I show him my favorite place in the world. I turn back to face her.

From the corner of her eyes I see a hint of glistening tears. Shaking her head, “Mamas wait for this their whole lives. I get to watch you fall in love. I’m gonna give you some advice. I know it’s usually your daddy who gives you all the tidbits and facts about the stuff you both love, but I want you to hear this.”

With her eyes, piercing that soft, soul section of my body, I can’t say no. I nod. She pulls me into the booth, takes my hands in hers across the table. Her thumbs rub my knuckles in circles. “You know how you throw yourself into projects? It’s 100% or nothing?”

I smile and nod. It’s something that’s infuriating when you’re living with me. I remind her of the time I didn’t sleep for days when I was studying for my pilot’s license. Logically, I knew the book would still be there in the morning, but I wanted the information to soak into me as quickly as possible. After all the hours I’d already logged in an aircraft, the test was child’s play, but I couldn’t chance failing at something that meant so much to me. “Are you telling me I shouldn’t give 100% in a relationship?” I ask, guessing at the avenue of this talk.

She shakes her head. “The opposite. Give it your all. Every last molecule you can spare without crumbling and dying.” She furrows her brow. “I know this is really new and you’ll be figuring things out for yourself, but give it your all, I promise you’ll never have any regrets.”

“But…the heartbreak. It happens to everyone around me. Everyone.”

Her concern turns to happiness. “Heartbreak tells you the love was real. You can’t be afraid of the end at the beginning. Go full throttle and see what happens.”

“That sounds like advice daddy would give.”

She shrugs one shoulder. “He must have rubbed off on me after all these years.” Her eyes go a little far off and I know she’s thinking of my daddy and all the years between their beginning and right now. “You go and have fun tonight. Be careful in the air, Caroline May.”
“I’m always careful,” I reply. “It’s takeoff and landing that hold the most risk,” I quote straight from Daddy when she says the same thing to him.

She smiles. “In the air is the fun part.”

I nod, kiss her cheek and bound outside to my bicycle, Caleb and his ugly words all but forgotten.

****

Tahoe looks absolutely horrified about my plan for us. There’s a crease on his forehead that hasn’t disappeared since I uttered the words, sunset flight. I checked the schedule and radioed in to air traffic control, and we are set to go.

“You seem so young to have so many hours under your belt,” he says, sweating, as he buckles himself into the seat next to me. “It’s small,” he adds, swallowing hard. “Are you sure we shouldn’t throw on a pack to be on the safe side?” he asks. I already told him three times we can’t wear parachutes on our backs.

“It’s a safe airplane. I learned to fly in the Cessna 152, Tahoe. You’re in good hands. I picked this one because I knew you were…frightened,” I add, grinning, adjusting my earphones.

“I am not frightened,” he barks back. “It’s about control. I like control. Fun fact, I hate riding in airplanes on the way up to jumping altitude. I don’t feel in control until I jump out of the airplane. My body and life are in my own hands at that point…not the pilots.” He rubs his hand across his lip to brush more sweat away.

I laugh, looking to my right. “You are terrified and I’m sorry, but it’s absolutely darling,” I say, taking a jagged breath around my laugh. He looks at me while I giggle, and a small smile appears. It’s small and crooked at first, but as I continue to laugh, it widens to a large white grin.

Shaking his head, he blinks slowly twice. “You can fix anything with that Tinkerbell laugh, you know that?”

“Tinkerbell,” I gasp. “Should I be offended?” I take this opportunity, while he’s distracted to hit a few buttons and switches. The engine rumbles to life. I wasn’t lying. I could fly this plane, in almost any condition, in my sleep. I’m confident in this seat. In my knowledge. In all of the ways that matter. Autopilot clicks, and I confirm all my gauges match with specifications, and look back to my nervous passenger.

Tahoe licks his lips. “It’s a compliment, pilot. We getting this show on the road? Before I change my mind and grab a chute.” His gaze wanders down to the straps on my chest. “Or before I decide I’d rather join the mile high club without being a mile high,” he says. His hand sneaks over and clutches mine.

I squeeze his big fingers once. “That’s a horrible pick-up line,” I reply.

“I know,” he says. “I’m under duress.”

“It makes a pretty good racket during takeoff.” Releasing his hand, I hand him earphones. “You can talk to me if you need to by pushing this button.”

He grins. “This is just like my comm. I’ll just go ahead and pretend I’m on a mission. Okay, boss?” he asks. “Although I’m not typically this sweaty when I’m on a mission.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers. Once we’re at cruising we can take them off. It’s not so noisy,” I reply. He puts on the set and I pull away from the hangar and roll toward the runway.

This does feel like a mission. I’ve never taken a guy up before. My friends will ask for a ride every once in a while, but somehow this feels more intimate. I’m sharing my whole self with Tahoe and I wonder if he realizes it. I glance at him to find him clutching the seat. I laugh, but he can’t hear me. The plane roars down the runway and I make adjustments for a slight wind, and in a short time we’re airborne. I check measurements and when I’m sure we’re at a safe altitude and speed I sneak a hand over to nudge him.

His eyes are slammed shut, face contorted as if he’s in pure agony—awaiting his meeting with the devil himself. “I’m not going to kill you,” I tell him, clicking the button so he can hear me. “You can take the set off. Look around.” He does, and his face morphs into something more recognizable—beautiful. He’s so large next to me, taking up space that is usually empty.

It’s clear and beautiful outside. The view never fails to take my breath away. The ocean glitters, and the lush greenery of a landscape blessed by a near continuous stream of spring rain lays in front of us as far as the eye can see. “This is why I had to be a pilot,” I admit. “The peace up here. Away from everything down there.”

“I’ve jumped out of hundreds of planes and I have to admit, I’ve never actually appreciated the view until I was a part of it, falling toward earth,” he says, joking. “I understand,” he says, turning his head to look directly at me. “You look beautiful up here,” he says.

“Now, that’s a compliment,” I tell him. “Thank you.” It reminds me of my conversation with Caleb earlier, and then my mama.

Tahoe pulls at the harness holding him in, still not at ease by this point in flight. The breeze isn’t as strong now, and I’m able to cruise and really enjoy the view. “Do you think you’ll be leaving Bronze Bay?” I ask, insecurity eating at me. “I know you told me this is your permanent base, but I was wondering how long permanent is in your world.”

He bites his lip. “As permanent as it is in yours, Caroline. I might leave to do a mission here or there, maybe I’ll have to do training in another state for a week or two, but this is it.”

“Was that always the plan?” I ask. My heart knocks against my chest. “Or, did something change?”

He grins a lopsided smirk, and it does things to my insides that should be illegal. “I’m a SEAL, I pretty much can do whatever I want. This isn’t Big Navy,” he says, keeping his grip on the straps crossing down his chest. “I told Leif today that this was a permanent change. After the entire squadron hazed me for having a girlfriend.”

I must look disgusted or horrified, because he adds, “I’m joking, Sunny. We don’t haze people. They make jokes on a group message thread and draw penises on sticky notes and put them on my locker. Nothing that will seriously hurt me. I mean, maybe they hurt my pride, but I’ll take it if it means you’re mine. I’m here. This is it.” The confession is as surprising as it is terrifying.

I swallow hard. “You know just what to say. It’s quite unnerving.”

“Wait! You’re flying a plane in an open sky, and my words are what are unnerving? You need to check your priorities.” Granted, maybe for a second or two, I did forget I was flying a plane even though my hands are firmly placed on the control column.

“You’re still mine today, then?” Tahoe asks, raising his voice to make sure he’s heard.

“Depends,” I say, flicking my gaze back to my instruments. “Are you all in?” I ask, remembering my mother’s suggestion. “I have it on good authority that all or nothing is the way to go about anything in life. Especially in relationships.” Not that I know a hill of beans about relationships, but if Mama said it, it has to be.

“I have it on the authority that all or nothing is the only way to go about everything in life,” he replies, tilting his chin to the view in front of us. “I’m all in, pilot.”

I’m giddy. In my happy place with an infuriating, misunderstood man that has transformed into a sweet, interesting man. Or maybe he was only infuriating because I didn’t know him, or wasn’t open to viewing him in any other light except the one I assigned him by looks and first impression alone. How many people have I done that to in the past? Smiling, I point to his base and he cranes his neck forward to look at it.

Instead of looking at the black buildings and fence like an eyesore that stole my memories, I see it as something that gave me something new and exciting. Tahoe. I tell him several stories about Crick’s beach. They span from when I was a kid and broke my arm jumping off a sand pile, trying to touch the sky, to when I was in high-school and the bon fires we had that would send the fire department out here every single time.

The blue water is clear. It’s one of the few places around that isn’t polluted…yet. Tahoe’s smile vanishes and his brows pull inward. “I’m sorry about the beach. The Navy does what they want, and everything is far more complicated than I could explain. The plus side is you can come visit me there anytime you want.” It’s not a consolation prize, I can tell he knows it’s not the same just by his grimace. I make a few adjustments and edge over the water a bit more. Tahoe points. “I’m thinking of building a house over there,” he says. Tahoe has told me before how he built his house in San Diego from the ground up. He sold it when he came to Bronze Bay and I can’t imagine how sad that must have been for him. When you pour your blood sweat and tears into something—try to make it as perfect as you can, and then you’re told you can’t have that or see that anymore, it changes you inside. Well, it would be like someone telling me I had to move out of my apartment and there’s no way I’d ever want to. “I’m not sure if I should tear down the building or build something new.”

“The Homer Property? Did you buy it? It’s been in their family for years!” I exclaim when I see what he’s pointing out, and telling me about his potential plans.

It’s the first time he’s relaxed in the cockpit. “It’s close to work, and now that you don’t need my help anymore, I need something to do.” He waggles his hands in front of him. “I have to keep these busy. If I’m not working or,” he says, trailing off, “hanging out with you, I’ll need something to call my own.” It’s time to turn around, the sun is setting, giving everything around us a sweet golden hue. The sky is free of clouds except for a clump to our right that look like a fluffy cotton candy. Tahoe talks about several different plans. “Maybe you can help me?” he says, trying to lure me back into the conversation.

The Homer property is an enormous chunk of land on the water. The Bed and Breakfast that was there for years, since I was a child, closed after the attacks and never reopened. The land sat with a for sale sign for some time and I assumed the city would buy it to regain waterfront property back after the base gobbled up a chunk. I don’t even want to think of the consequences when the Bronze Bay gossip gets ahold of this information. “Why didn’t you tell me?” It comes out a bit catty, but that’s not my intent. I’m mostly confused as to why something like this would strike his fancy.

He pauses, silence, but for the wind, rustling around us. “The deal began right when I moved here. I wasn’t sure how long it would take to be official. Is it a big deal? You’re upset?”

Shrugging off his question I explain, “It’s a big commitment, that’s all. It also gives permanent a new definition. Owning a house.” I swallow down the lump in my throat. “In Bronze Bay.”

I don’t dare look at him. “Just because I own a house doesn’t mean anything. I’ve built houses before, remember? Old ladies like jigsaw puzzles, grandpas like rummy or backgammon, I like fixing shit. Houses. It’s not a big deal.” It’s a reminder I needed.

“I guess so. You can’t tear down that bed and breakfast though. The town will crucify you more than they already are.”

He laughs. “I wasn’t aware I was being nailed.” The innuendo is so strong I have to squeeze my legs together. “I’ll do what I want, but I will take your considerations to heart,” he amends, folding his hand over mine. “Investing in property is practical.” If he asked Leif to make Bronze Bay his permanent home just today, then this really is an investment purchase started well before he knew me.

Sighing, I mess with the rudder pedal and the wind causes a batch of turbulence. Tahoe grabs the straps of his seatbelt again—panicked. I grin, ignoring it as best I can. “You’re not being nailed. I am. Well, in the figurative sense. It’s not a big deal. I’ll help you. We’re going to land soon. Takeoff and landing, Tahoe.”

His eyes widen. Even he knows the threat in those two things. He looks at me, and his gaze is so strong, I chance a look. It’s a mistake. “All or nothing, right?” he asks.

He’s right. All would be celebrating his property purchase, and making immediate plans to select upgrades and paint colors. My immediate reaction was what everyone else is going to think about it. What it means for the relationship. What it means if it fails. Before it’s really even begun. There will be a constant reminder of the first man I’ve ever wanted. The Homer Property will no longer be the Bed and Breakfast that my Uncle Stan used to stay at when he came to visit us. It will be the place where I fall in love with the beast of a man sitting next to me. I feel it happening even now—the connection, that unquantifiable quality used to describe falling for a person. It’s a textbook case.

I point the nose down a touch and my hangar comes into view. “You’re right. I’m sorry. All.”

“And Caroline?” Tahoe asks, voice loud and unsteady. “Don’t fucking kill me today.”

Laughing, I shake my head. “Not today, Tyler Holiday. Maybe tomorrow.”

“I look forward to that. On the ground.”

He doesn’t close his eyes this time. His eyes are focused like lasers on my house, the side that has the large window.

For once, I know we’re both thinking about the same exact thing.