Chapter Thirty-One

James

 

What would’ve been a beautiful Saturday afternoon on the ranch was turning into a real pisser. My back ached, my head pounded, and my stomach grumbled with neglect. All I could do to keep my mind off leaving was to work my ass off, digging in with everything I had in me, but it was beginning to take a toll on my body.

“What else can we do, boss?” Kyle asked.

Boss: that wasn’t going to be my title much longer. I thought about what I would do once I left the ranch, maybe join the fire department like Axel, play the markets like Elijah, start a private eye business like Isaac, start my own business like Liam? Hell, some of the guys were in personal security, working with other soldiers suffering from PTSD, some were police officers, and one was even a political figure.

I chuckled under my breath at the thought of playing the markets. I didn’t have the head for finance. Joining the fire department or police department wasn’t for me either, and neither were private security, politics, detective work, or counseling. Starting my own business would have to be closely related to ranching since that was all I knew how to do. Fuck.

“Boss,” Kyle repeated, his tone weak with concern.

I snapped away from my thoughts, happily. I didn’t want to think about any of that right now. That was why my body ached so badly. Work helped shut down my mind, my thoughts, and my pain.

“What’s that?” I asked, not sure I even heard his question the first time.

“I was just wondering if there was anything else that you needed,” Kyle smiled.

He and Pedro had already made repairs to the fence where one of the heifers broke loose, determined to get to the bull in another other field. The grain silo was cleaned out, the fields tended, and I helped birth another calf while the guys finished reseeding the back fields that had been grazed pretty bare.

Kyle looked exhausted, and Pedro was hunched over slightly as he walked towards the barn where we stood. I knew they’d been breaking their backs to get the work completed, and it wasn’t fair. I was the one who was trying to drown my thoughts, and reality. I knew the ranch meant as much to them as it did me, and they’d bust ass to ensure it was in tip-top shape in hopes a buyer would keep it going. But, that wasn’t a guarantee. All this work and the place could still turn into a Wal-Mart.

“No. I appreciate you guys for all the work you’ve done. Take the weekend off, Monday too, with pay,” I offered as Pedro approached.

“We couldn’t,” he stammered, his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he slouched.

It was obvious he was in pain.

“There’s not much left to do here, and I need to keep busy with stuff myself to stay sane,” I smiled.

“Okay, boss,” Pedro nodded in my direction and headed to his truck with Kyle not far behind.

I watched the old pickup truck head down the lane until it was on the main road, and then headed back into the barn to check on the new calf and momma. Back to work.

Queen squealed and kicked her hind legs into the fresh hay that I pitched into her stall. Gulliver was quiet, unanimated, and if I believed it possible, sad. I reached down into the basket Kyle left by the stalls with fresh apples, picked from the trees behind the house, and fed offered one to Gulliver as Queen snorted in disapproval.

“C’mon, buddy,” I coaxed, pushing the apple up to his nose.

His head turned away from the sweet fruit. Poutiness in his eyes made me a believer; horses could become sad.

“I know you miss her. I miss her too. We’ll see her again, I promise,” I spoke gently as I tried the apple again.

He appeared to perk up at my words as if he understood. He ate, slowly and without much eagerness, but he ate.

“If you’d pick up your fuckin’ phone you wouldn’t have to talk to horses,” I turned to find Axel standing in the barn.

“I’m not ready to talk to anyone just yet,” I grumbled.

“Is that so?” Axel fumed.

“If you came here to yell at me, just turn around and leave. I have enough screaming going on inside my own damn head,” I growled.

“It’s been a few days, dammit! Don’t you think you need to answer your phone?” Axel sighed.

“I’ve been staying busy, busting my ass to make this place ready for sale, all the while, keeping my mind shut off to the reality of what fuckin’ happened,” I explained.

“Why do you care what the place looks like when it’s sold? Don’t make those brats any more money,” Axel sneered.

“It’s not about them,” I exhaled.

“Then, what?” he groaned.

I found a bale of hay and took a seat, my head falling below my shoulders as I stared at the barn floor. It took me a minute to gather my thought process, and I was surprised Axel waited for me to do so. He was impatient, angry, and I knew it had to do with Evelyn, and how she had to be feeling by my sudden distance and neglect. I explained my need to ensure the ranch continues on, and what it meant to me to ensure Pedro and Kyle a place here on the land. He sighed, and even though I didn’t make direct eye contact, I knew he rolled his when I explained that working and staying busy was the only thing keeping my head on straight.

“I get it,” he said softly, taking a seat beside me.

“You do?” I looked up to find his eyes kind and forgiving.

“I do. But, buddy, you have to call Evelyn,” he coaxed.

“I’m just not ready,” I said softly.

“She’s really hurting. She thinks you hate her, that you blame her for all this,” he said.

My chest tightened as I thought about the pain I’d caused Evelyn. I shouldn’t have pushed my way into her life, her pants, but I did. If I’d only listened to her, kept my distance, and didn’t insist on being in her world, none of this would be bothering her. It would be just another case, a lost one, but nothing more.

“I could never hate her, and no way do I blame her. She worked her ass off, and I know that. I appreciate that. I just can’t handle seeing her right now. I have nothing to offer her, and honestly, seeing her would just make this all too real right now,” I bellowed.

The self-pity that I spewed all over Axel didn’t appear to faze him. His eyes were narrowed on mine, and his lips pursed tightly together. As he reached towards me, slapping his hand on my knee, it was clear he didn’t understand, or agree, but that he still wanted to offer some form of comfort.

“What else do you have to do here?” he questioned.

“I sent the ranch hands home until Tuesday, so I was gonna work on splitting all the logs piled beside the garage,” I hummed, happy to be talking about work instead of the reality of my court case, and the pain that I’d brought on to Evelyn.

“Well, grab us some beer, and let’s get to it,” Axel smiled.

“You don’t have to do that,” I protested.

“I know,” Axel grinned.

I slapped him on the back as I stood, heading towards the house to grab some cold beers and shove them in a small cooler. By the time I got back outside, Axel already had the splitter out of the garage and unloaded from the trailer, what was normally a two-man job.

“You tryin’ to kill yourself?” I teased.

“By the looks of you, you wouldn’t’ve been much help anyway,” he smirked.

I stood straight and tall, trying to hide the pain he’d obviously already noticed on my gait. My head shook as I fought back a grin.

“Take your beer,” I sassed, handing him a bottle from the cooler.

“You split, I’ll clean the squares from the logs to ready em’, and then stack em’ when you’re done,” Axel offered himself to the most labor-intensive task, leaving me with the less back-breaking one.

“I don’t want you whining about your back tomorrow, so you better let me handle the stacking and cleaning,” I chuckled.

“I don’t want you to end up in the damn hospital, so you best do as I say,” Axel stood tall and puffed out his thick chest.

“If that’s what you want, then that’s what you want,” I shook my head with amusement as I worked on stabilizing the splitter.

The loud hydraulic engine rattled and spat as it started, and then settled with a loud rumble as Axel handed me the first log. I was glad to have the noise drowning out any chance of Axel bringing the subject of Evelyn back into play as we worked.

Axel grabbed the logs as they fell to the ground, stacking them neatly on the rack against the garage. Just watching him bend over and over again made my sciatica pain roll down my leg. I was glad he was there, not just for the help, but for the company.

I shut off the splitter after the last log as stacked, a deafening silence swallowing the air around me, causing my ears to ring and itch.

“Another beer?” Axel offered as he reached into the cooler.

I nodded.

“Thanks, man,” I gushed as I took the beer from his hand.

“Nothing to it,” Axel grinned.

I chuckled as I squinted in his direction. I’d watched him work his ass off, and half-way through his back started to give, it was obvious.

“Yeah, like I said, don’t come whining to me tomorrow about your back,” I spat.

I took a long swig of my third beer and then walked towards the house. Axel took a seat on the rocker by the door, and I slumped into the wooden porch swing where Evelyn used to like to sit at night.

“So, what else do you plan on doing around here?” Axel asked.

I turned towards him wearing a wide smirk, my eyes widening with amusement as I sized him up and down.

“Why, you coming back for more?” I laughed.

“Fuck no. I’m just curious what you’ve added to your plate,” Axel shrugged.

I rattled off about a dozen jobs I wanted to complete before I left as Axel shook his head vigorously back and forth as he let out a hoot.

“Boy, I knew you were crazy, but I didn’t know it was to the clinically insane level,” he teased.

I knew it was a lot to do, but I also knew that I could do it, that I would do it.

“I better head back towards home,” Axel stood after finishing his beer in one long swig.

“I really do appreciate your help,” I stood, extending my hand to him to shake.

“Get your shit together, buddy, and soon. Evelyn’s been working her ass off on trying to get this fixed for you, and you won’t even answer her calls so she can tell you what’s going on,” Axel shamed me.

“Tell her not to worry about fighting anymore; it’s done. And Axel, tell her I do think of her,” I stammered.

“Tell her yourself. And James, you’re an idiot for shutting her out like you have,” Axel turned to walk away, his hand raised in the air and smacking down hard as if hitting an imaginary table.

I slumped back into my seat, stared up at the evening sky. The moon barely showed its face, and already the stars appeared in clusters.

“Why did you leave me this place if it was just gonna be taken from me?” I yelled at the heavens, not certain if it were to God, or to old man Jasper, or maybe both.