Chapter 11
She was back home in her bedroom, lying on her bed, before she even became aware of having moved from the coffeehouse. She’d been so stunned, so in shock, and just numb to everything that, when Talon had moved her out of the restaurant, into the vehicle, and back home again, she’d gone along without protest, without thinking. It said much about her level of trust in Talon. Knowing he’d care for her and look after her.
Some pretty hard truths had been spoken at the table with her ex-husband.
How sad to think that those were words that should have been spoken before the marriage, at least sometime during the marriage. Instead, they’d each stored them up until they’d come out, well past the divorce. When it was too late to change anything. She had a lot to think about.
No doubt that Talon’s presence had been a catalyst for much of this. She’d never thought to see him again. And she’d never thought to lose her brother. But both of those events had occurred, and she was still adjusting to each. Chad had been gone a year. But to think Talon might come back into her life was a joy she didn’t dare count on. She was willing to work to make it happen. She just didn’t know how to begin to repair the damage done to her relationship with him.
According to her ex-husband, she’d never gotten over Talon. According to herself, she’d always loved him. How sad was that?
She lay on her bed, staring at the wall in front of her. She might even have had a short nap. She felt better. She didn’t know what time it was and didn’t want to roll over to look. When the bed beside her moved, she froze.
“It’s all right. I’ve just been lying here beside you.”
Slowly she rolled to her back. And, sure enough, there was Talon, smiling at her. “Why?” Even that didn’t sound like her. Her voice was froggy, hoarse.
“Because I’m worried about you,” he admitted. “You’ve always been very special to me. You had some pretty major shocks and a lot of trauma this last year.”
She let her eyes drift closed as she rolled back over again. “Nothing like you had.”
“It’s not a contest. My shocks were physical. Yours were emotional.”
She gave a harsh sound and pushed herself up to a sitting position. She pulled the blanket he’d thrown across her up to her chest and stared at him. “I highly doubt there weren’t any emotional issues for you to deal with when you lost your leg and your arm.”
“No, and the loss of the leg was easier than the loss of my arm,” he admitted. “I knew I could get around without the leg. I’ve known many men who have lost a foot or a leg. The hand seemed to be a lot more difficult. But this prosthetic is so much more advanced that I’m quite happy to live with it. It’s also my left arm and hand, but, as I’m right-handed, that works.”
She reached out a hand, realizing he was no longer wearing a long-sleeve shirt. She stared at his prosthetic arm for a long moment. “You should leave it like that.”
“Like what?”
“Uncovered. It’s pretty cool looking.” She shuffled over for a better look. “It’s also a sign you’re a little more relaxed around me that you’re not trying to hide it.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment. And then out of the blue, he asked, “Was Jerry correct?”
Startled, she studied his face to figure out what he was asking. There was heat in his gaze that found a responding heat in her heart. “You mean, the part about never getting over you? The part where I said I hated myself for what I did?” She nodded. “Yes. Already said so. I felt like I’d ruined something very special. Something I would never get again. And I think I just shut down a part of me. Jerry was second-best. He was right about that, but then I was second-best for him too. It’s always easier to judge others than it is to look at ourselves.”
“Did you ever love him?”
She brushed her hair off her forehead, hating this conversation. “I thought I did.” She was tired and frustrated. “But obviously I didn’t.”
“Did you ever love me?”
Her eyes flew wide open. “Yes. I did.”
He seemed to search deep inside her through her eyes, as if searching for the truth. He sagged back as if believing her.
And that just made her angrier. “How could you doubt that?” she cried out sadly. “The same as how could you ask me if it was true about me having an affair?”
“Because people lie all the time. And people also change.”
She shook her head and swung her legs off the bed, getting up, going into the bathroom. After using the facility, she stared in the mirror for a long moment. She didn’t know what had happened, but she felt like she was in a completely different zone. Not comfortable with everything so raw. Not happy but not sad, more drained. As if everything had been pulled out of her. Exposed for everyone to see.
Knowing she still had to go out and face him, she opened the door and stepped into her room. He was on his laptop working, propped up against her bed. “Why are you here?”
He raised his eyes. “Originally or right now?”
“Right now.”
“Because I care. And I hate to see you so shattered.”
She thought about his description and realized it was true. “My broken marriage, Chad’s death, the divorce … It started a … a weird cycle. And this last year, I thought I was recovering. But I wasn’t. I was just holding on. Trying to get through every day. And then today …” She opened her arms as if to say she didn’t understand what it was. “It was painful.”
“Of course it was,” he said gently. “It would have been nice if that conversation had happened before you’d gotten married. But the fact that it didn’t, and it came out now, is at least something. Maybe you can both walk away from what you had to find something better.”
“I don’t know. I appear to be a failure at relationships.”
“Why? Because you’ve got one marriage behind you? A lot of people have multiple divorces behind them.”
“That’s not reassuring. I don’t want to be like that.”
“Did you have other relationships?”
She knew what he was asking. “I did. But they weren’t as intense as ours and certainly not as long as the one I had with Jerry.”
“Had you given up by the time you met Jerry?”
“I think he was just safe. Good enough. And, in that, he was right. I definitely cheated him.”
“And you’ve acknowledged it. You’ve apologized. You’ve stepped up, and now it’s time to put it away and move on.” He spoke the words firmly.
That forced a laugh out of her. “Is it that easy?”
“It doesn’t have to be any harder.”
She looked at the laptop. “Did you find any more answers? Do we believe him, what he said about this guy with the pictures?”
“I contacted Jerry since we left and got a little more information about it. He sounded strange, like he’s going through a similar self-identity crisis, like you are. He had showed up at the meeting with MacArthur, but the guy didn’t have any photos. Just an empty envelope. He was just laughing at him. Telling him that he should trust his wife.”
“So why didn’t he tell us that?”
“Because he felt foolish. He should have trusted you. But he jumped at a chance to see something that would give him a reason to walk away.”
She nodded and walked to the bedroom window. “Isn’t that the truth? So we really need to focus on who this guy is, find him, see why he’s interfering in my life.”
“That sums it up,” Talon said cheerfully. “The good news is, chances are this is the guy we want and not anybody else. I can’t imagine you have two men stalking you.”
“I shouldn’t have even one.” There was a knock on her bedroom door. “Come in.”
Laszlo pushed open the door and looked at the two of them. “Just got word from Erick. He’s confirmed the hit man’s connection to two other deaths within our families. An associate did the actual hits.”
“Really?” Talon jumped to his feet, his laptop barely making it to the bed as he stood. “Does he have any names for us to go on?”
“He’s still digging. I sent him all the photographs we had on Clary’s stalker, the photo of MacArthur and Jerry, and the information from Clary’s caller today. Erick said he should have an identity for us soon as to the second hit man on two of our family members.”
“What good will that do?” she asked. “You think it is our blue Audi guy, right? We already have an identity. John MacArthur.”
The two men looked at her and shook their heads. “It’s an alias.”
“Of course it is,” she said sarcastically. “You realize I don’t live in that world?” It was all a bit convoluted for her. But, as long as they understood what the hell they were talking about, she’d leave it to them to handle. She walked with them downstairs. “Even if we do get his real name, and we get an address, then what will you do? Talk to him?”
“Hell yes. In fact, we already have one address for him.” He turned to Laszlo. “Let’s see if Erick confirms that one as a valid address before we speak with him.”
She frowned. “And, if you scare him to death, will that stop him?”
“It’s hard to say. It seems like we’re leaving a body count wherever we go. The ultimate boss man is killing off his minions. If this guy doesn’t quite survive our encounter, I’ve got no problem with that.” Laszlo’s voice came out in a cool tone. “A lot of assholes are in this world. We could do without a couple of them.”
She turned to stare at him to see if he was joking, but nothing in his chiseled jawline said he was. That reminded her once again how many dead bodies these hit men were responsible for. “Do you really think it’s related to Chad’s murder? They were probably stalking me to kill me.”
“That’s what we think,” Laszlo said cheerfully. “Then they chose Chad.”
“Great. Am I supposed to feel good about that?” Her voice held the bitterness she felt. “You know I’d rather be dead than him, don’t you?”
“Life didn’t give you a choice,” Talon reminded her. “And we can’t change anything now.”
She walked into the kitchen. “We were at a coffee shop, and we didn’t eat.”
“Breakfast was hours ago,” Laszlo said. “If you’re offering more food, I won’t say no.”
She turned to look at him, caught sight of the clock behind him, and frowned. “Did I sleep for a couple hours?”
“About two,” Talon said. “Are you feeling better?”
She stopped to think about it, then nodded. “Actually I am.”
The trouble was, she wasn’t terribly hungry. She knew she needed to eat just to keep the stomach acid at bay. But the rest of it, the words exchanged today, the killer’s phone call to her, well, made her feel old and incredibly tired. She stared blindly into the fridge.
Talon got up and nudged her toward the table. “You sit down. I’ll find something for lunch.”
“It’s almost dinnertime,” she said. “It’s four.”
“So maybe we’ll have an early dinner.” He glanced at the fridge. “Do you have any meat or shall we order in something?”
She shrugged. “I don’t care what you order in, but, if it’s pizza, make sure it doesn’t have any pineapple on it.”
“What?” Laszlo piped up. “Pineapple is the best.”
She snorted. “Only loony tunes put pineapple on their pizza. Fruit does not go anywhere near bread and meat.”
He stared at her in fascination. “But you’re okay with anchovies?”
She wrinkled up her nose. “Not my favorite but, sure, that’s fish.”
“Wow, so you’re an all-meat type of person.” Laszlo nodded. “I can get behind that.” He glanced over at Talon. “Why don’t we get an order from Johnny’s?”
Talon looked at him, a big smile breaking across his face. “Haven’t had that in a long time.”
“Best pizza in town,” Laszlo said.
“I’ve never even heard of it,” Clary protested. “How good could it possibly be?”
Talon smiled. “You have no idea.”
Talon had resumed researching at Laszlo’s side while Clary grabbed a book and curled up in the corner of the living room couch. Since she had stayed in there, they had moved their work to the living room as well.
Talon kept an eye on her, making sure she was okay, that the pages were turning and that she seemed engaged in the story. What he didn’t want was for her to get maudlin about all that had come up today. It would take her a while to adjust to the new situation in her life that she found herself in. He returned his gaze to his laptop. That’s when the doorbell rang, and the pizza delivery arrived, just over an hour after ordering them.
Laszlo got up and paid for the pizzas as Talon nudged Clary into the kitchen. Quietly she followed his prompting and preceded him into the room. He was more than a little worried about the quiet state she was in. Not quite on automation but not far off. He smiled when he saw the three extra large pizzas.
She stared. “You’re not expecting me to eat a whole one, are you?”
“Nope. But this way I don’t need more food for the rest of the day,” Laszlo said with a grin. He efficiently flipped the tops over and under so all three boxes could sit on the table.
One extra large pizza had pineapple completely covering the top. Talon chuckled. “Well, we know which one yours is.”
“Absolutely.” Laszlo gave him a fat smile as he pulled the ham and pineapple pizza toward himself.
Talon happened to catch Clary’s fascinated gaze and her mock shudder as Laszlo bit into a slice. She picked up a slice laden with all different kinds of meat. “What’s on the third one?” Talon asked.
“I told him to surprise me but no fruit.”
“Good enough for me.” So Talon started with that one.
The conversation stayed light and easy. After Clary finished her first piece, Talon nudged the second box toward her. “Eat more,” he urged.
Obediently she picked up a second piece and ate it. He exchanged a glance with Laszlo. Both could see she was in a different place that they didn’t recognize. But it wasn’t healthy—at least not for too long.
Talon and Laszlo kept a running dialogue going, hoping to distract her or to engage her, but she seemed off in her own world.
The next time he glanced at the clock it was almost six o’clock. The whole evening yawned ahead of them. What she needed was sleep. But he didn’t know how to get her there and how to ensure she got a decent night. Even with her earlier two-hour nap, she needed a solid eight more tonight. Something physical would help. But she didn’t have a pool. “Do you want to go for an after-dinner walk?” he asked her, yet he still was eating his pizza.
She glanced at him in surprise. But she didn’t say no immediately. She thought about it and then shrugged. “We could.”
There it was again, that same I don’t care what we do kind of thing. He wondered if that was how she’d been throughout her marriage. That would have driven him insane. He had another piece of pizza as he thought about it. They were still in the city, but they could walk in certain places with relative safety. There were parks around, or they could just walk several blocks. He decided to do that.
After dinner they left the rest of the pizza in one box and took the empty pizza boxes out to the recycling bin. With her dressed in walking shoes, he left Laszlo behind to hold down the fort.
Tucking her hand into his elbow, Talon walked Clary up the street and around the block. They continued on for a good ten to fifteen minutes in silence. It was still warm outside, the sun high in the sky. In a way he wanted to wait a little bit longer, until it had cooled down, but it was nice enough outside. There was a park up ahead, he remembered. He kept walking in that general direction until they came to it.
He motioned to a bench by the flower gardens. “Do you want to sit for a few minutes?”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said.
“It does matter,” he said forcefully. “Either you’re tired and would like to sit, or you’d like to sit here and just enjoy the garden, or we can keep walking.”
She shot him a hooded gaze. “Then we can sit for a bit.”
He led her to the bench, and they sat down. There was a large rose garden with annuals all around the base. In the evening the heavy aroma from the roses was striking. He sat back and relaxed ever-so-slightly. He really enjoyed his exercising, but sometimes, during his recovery, a walk was all he could have done. Thankfully he was long past that point, but many times his therapist had insisted he just get up and keep walking.
Jim, his trainer, used to say, “It doesn’t matter if you want to or not. The minute you start moving, endorphins get released. And it helps you to feel better about what you’re doing, and suddenly you want to do more. This isn’t a case of I’ll stay in bed and let the world go by. This is a case of, if you put one foot in front of the other, soon enough something comes along that helps you to feel better.” It had taken a while, but Talon had finally believed him.
After a few minutes, she continued to just sit here, not saying a thing. He hopped to his feet and said, “Okay, let’s go on.”
She turned to look at him. “And what if I’m happy here?”
“Too bad. You’re still in that same mood. Time to pick it up a bit.” He reached down, grabbed her hand gently, and helped her to her feet. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“What difference will it make?”
He nudged her forward. “Anything that takes you out of the self-pity you’re in is a good thing.”
“I’m not feeling self-pity,” she snapped.
Inside he grinned. Anger was way healthier than that crazy silent, sullen mood of hers. “Good, glad to hear it.”
“You don’t believe me, do you?”
“I don’t have to believe you. You have to believe you. Because otherwise you’ll slide back into that weird mood.”
“A lot of hard truths were voiced today. I just need a good night’s sleep.”
Privately he didn’t agree with that simple reassurance. It would take more than one day to deal with those hard truths. But he had faith in her to do just that. They walked quietly. He kept moving her through the blocks and up and down the streets.
Finally she said, “How long do you want to walk?”
“Until you feel better,” he said.
“I felt better a while ago,” she muttered.
“I know. It was somewhere around the time you snapped at me.”
She sighed. “He’s right, you know? I never got angry.”
“And yet with me, you’re always this fiery personality.”
“You set me off.”
He chuckled. “And you already knew that the marriage was a mistake. But it’s brought you to this stage of self-understanding. A lot of people would say, Nothing is a mistake, and that this is good. Now you can move on.”
“Move on to what?”
“I don’t know.” He was trying to keep upbeat. “What would you like to do?”
“Not go back to work tomorrow.”
“I thought you liked your job?”
“I haven’t for a while.”
“Then change it. Sell Chad’s house. A ton of money is tied up in that place. You can do anything you want.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready to do that.”
“Then don’t sell it. Find something you do want to do and make that house decision later.”
Privately he was thinking she would be better off to move totally away. He wasn’t sure it was terribly healthy to sit in this big old house of Chad’s with another empty family house beside her. It would only make her life feel lonely. “Unless you want to hang on to it for sentimental reasons.”
She shook her head. “I did. But now that I’ve been there for a whole year, it’s not the same. It just feels like a big old drafty house. But you know? I felt tied to it.”
“Possessions can become chains. I didn’t own anything for a long time. Not necessarily a good thing but it gave me the freedom to move around as I needed to.”
“But you always had a place to come home to. The military gave you housing one way or another.”
“Those were always a bed to sleep in,” he agreed. “But they weren’t home.”
“So what did you do when you were on your leaves?”
“I went back to the same bed I always had when I wasn’t on leave. It was a place to sleep, but it wasn’t home. I spent most of my time with friends or alone. But I didn’t have anybody with me.”
“Relationships?” she asked with a spark of interest in her voice.
“Yes, many,” he admitted. “But none serious.”
“Why?”
“Because I already knew what I was doing in the navy wouldn’t be what any woman wanted. You had made that very clear. You see? It’s not just you hanging onto garbage from way back when.”
She was silent for a long moment. “Everything we do really affects those around us, doesn’t it?”
“Yes. That’s why it’s important to show up with integrity in everything you do.”
She chuckled. “What are you? Some self-help guru?”
“No, but there’s nothing like being on the outside, an observer to all the rest around you, to see how people act and react to each other. Once I realized that what we had earlier wasn’t working for us—not some of it anyway—I spent a lot of time studying relationships, trying to figure out what made them work.”
“And what made them work?”
He glanced down at her and smiled. “Trust. Honesty. Compassion. Compromise. And most of all, love. With love comes respect.” He watched the same troubling look fall on her face again. He winced. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. It appears to be the day for it.”
“Good. Then tomorrow is a whole new day, and we can forget about it all.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think we should.”
They walked along in companionable silence. Suddenly she stopped, pivoted to look at him. He was standing just under the bough of a large tree. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. “What’s the matter?” he asked softly.
There was a tremulous look to her lips, her eyes open wide. “Where are we going?”
Even he knew she wasn’t talking about location. But he wouldn’t be anything less than honest. “Somewhere into the future, I hope.” But, of course, he hadn’t dared to envision that she would let him back into her life, much less be interested in moving forward together. “Where do you want to go?”
She shook her head impatiently. “No games. You said we need to show up as our authentic selves. Then right now, right here, let’s be honest. Show me who you are, and I’ll show you who I am.”
He started to smile. “Is this where I get to tease you and ask you to show me yours first?”
She glared at him. “I’m serious.”
He nodded. “I am too.”
She frowned, her gaze searching his.
He sighed and reached out a hand. “You can’t really expect me to bare my heart when I have no clue where you’re at.”
She took a deep breath. “That’s true,” she admitted. “Okay, so here it goes.” She took a step forward until they were almost touching. She tilted her head up to look in his eyes. “I want a second chance.”