Chapter 12
She watched the look of shock cross his eyes. She resisted the urge to step back, to recoil from what she saw as rejection. But the smile slowly curving his lips upward and the gentleness in his gaze made her stop.
“A second chance, as in you and me?” As if a bit uncertain of the answer, he stated carefully, “I want to be very clear about what we’re doing here.”
“Exactly. I haven’t seen you at all in eight years. Out of the blue you show up, and my life is in complete chaos,” she muttered. “But, instead of the chaos I expected to still be in, all of a sudden I’m seeing clearly for the first time in a long time.”
“This is sudden,” he said cautiously. “We’ve been through an awful lot …”
She placed her finger against his lips to stop him. “I’ve been through enough. So have you. I don’t want to be hiding away or broken anymore. I want to step forward and to seize the reins of my life and to do something positive.” She could see the understanding, the fear, and the hope as she swept her gaze to his eyes one at a time. “I could always read your emotions in your eyes.” Her voice lowered. “But you never would explain. You never said the words to what you were feeling.”
He kissed her finger still against his lips. “I want that second chance too. But I’m the one who walked away.”
She shook her head. “I pushed you away. I gave you an ultimatum, never expecting … or maybe I wanted you to choose that. Maybe I was looking to confirm you didn’t love me. I was young and stupid,” she murmured. “Whatever I was doing back then was foolish. And made no sense. And it doesn’t matter now, because it was a long time ago.”
“It does matter,” he said firmly, “if it affects who and what we are today. Because, if and when we are moving forward together, I don’t want to go back to what we had before, not completely.”
She smiled tremulously up at him. “Good, because I don’t either.” She stepped closer, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him.
And just like it always was, passion swept through her, swept through him, and, where their mouths collided, a heated firestorm erupted. She moaned as her body cried out in joy, recognizing the partner of her heart—the male her body had welcomed each and every time with such joy, with such eagerness. She wanted him as if all those years—questioning his absence and feeling abandoned and hurt and even hating herself—had never happened. The trouble was, she had always wanted him. Now was no different. Somewhere in the dim recesses of her mind, she could hear a tiny mewling sound escaping her lips. And she realized she had one leg wrapped around his hips, already trying to climb his frame.
She broke apart and stepped back, her hand to her cheeks. “Oh, wow.” She was in complete shock. “I didn’t think that would still happen.”
She watched as he struggled to control his passion, his cheeks already red. She dared not sweep down his body, but couldn’t resist, and, sure enough, as it had always been before, his erection strained in his jeans, and his hands were gripped in fists so as not to grab her and toss her to the grass. She so eagerly wanted him to do just that.
He closed his eyes for a long moment as she watched him war with his incredible self-control. Yet years ago he had been happy to lose it, under the right circumstances. When they made love, he gave it his all. He didn’t hold back, and neither had she. They hadn’t known there were games to play in bed. They hadn’t known that relationships were dances, sometimes not very nice ones. Back then, when they had been young lovers, they had only been honest with each other, sharing their good and their bad sides, acknowledging who they were inside and how they felt for each other. If only it had been that clear-cut outside of their lovemaking.
She took a deep breath and whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
His gaze flew open, and he pinned her in place with that glittering look. “Sorry for what?”
And she was saddened by that need to question what she meant. But she accepted it as where they were, and, until they could trust each other, could know who and where they were, they needed to question everything. Painfully, and yet honestly, as she always had been with him. In bed, without her mind tormenting her outside of the bedroom. “I’m sorry we’re not back in my bedroom right now, with the full privacy of a closed door and time to ourselves.”
And that smile, when it came, was breathtaking. It swept her off her feet and tossed her down memory lane. He reached out with his hand.
She stared at it for a long moment, then cried out, “Yes,” and grasped it.
He turned to look around, as if orienting himself as to where they were.
And it was a good thing he did because she had no clue. And she didn’t want to know. She just wanted the fastest route back to her room.
Suddenly he seemed to understand exactly where they needed to go. He tucked her hand firmly in his, turned her around, and walked forward at an incredibly fast pace.
She was almost running to keep up. And she didn’t care. She laughed with joy as he walked faster and faster until they were both jogging along the street, something they used to do all the time.
He never once let go of her hand.
She was surprised when he took several right-hand turns, and suddenly they were on her block. She shook her head. “I was completely lost. I had no clue where we were.”
“I did. And I know exactly where we’re heading.”
Laughing, she tumbled in the front door with him following. She took a moment to turn and lock the door and then raced upstairs to her bedroom. She almost beat him there. But he overtook her right at her bedroom door and caught her in a hot, arousing kiss. She collapsed against him. But he still had the presence of mind to shut the bedroom door, locking it before picking her up, tossing her on the bed.
She opened her arms, her body already wet and willing, waiting, trembling, needing him so much. But he didn’t come to her as fast as she had expected. As if he needed her to see him—to see him as he was now—he pulled off his shirt, then quickly stepped out of his jeans, making sure she understood who and what he was as a man.
She smiled when she saw his leg. But the smile fell away when she saw the scars on his body. Tears came to her eyes, and she slid off the bed, her fingers sliding across a huge scar along his abdomen.
She walked around him ever-so-slowly, her fingers stroking, caressing, soothing the multitude of scars and surgical wounds, the damages of the horrific accident that he’d barely survived and then the aftermath he had endured. When she came back around to the front, there was a tiny nick on his chest just off the breastbone, the scar still a good inch wide by maybe a half inch deep.
Overcome with emotions at what he’d been through, she lowered her head and kissed it gently. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. And still he didn’t move to initiate anything, and she realized he needed something so much more from her. She stepped back, and, without dropping her gaze from his, she stripped just as he had. Her body was still the same, although maybe not as fit as it had once been. When she was completely nude before him, she stepped closer and whispered, “Make love with me now.”
As if released from a tightly wound elastic band, he snatched her up into his arms, and the two of them fell onto the bed.
She knew there had been foreplay in there somewhere, but she didn’t remember anything but heat as it circled every one of her bones, down to her toes, making them curl, before it raced back up, leaving her in agonizing torture as he refused to come to her as she wanted him to. And just when she was beyond frustrated, she reached up, grabbed clumps of his hair, and tugged him down toward her.
Before his lips claimed hers, she whispered, “Now.”
And he plunged deep.
She cried out, her body arching beneath him. He froze, and she whispered, “No, it’s fine. It’s just been so long.”
He reached down, held her hips, readjusted himself, and then with a tenderness she had forgotten, he moved his hips gently, slowly. His hands enticed, caressed, stroked, teasingly, as if reacquainting himself with her body that he knew so well.
Just when she didn’t think she could handle his slow pace anymore, he whispered, “Sit up.”
And she remembered. She sat up, poking her legs outside of his hips, and, with him kneeling, she slowly rode him. But she couldn’t do it for long. The pressure, the twisting of emotions, the supreme tension coiled tighter and tighter as she moved faster and faster. His hands on her hips helped her move up and down, as they came together with the same joy and passion they had had so many years ago.
She cried out as a kaleidoscope of feelings exploded within, filling her heart and her mind with joy. She didn’t hear him, but she could feel his body erupt, the tension releasing, his arm clenching as he clasped her tight against his body, shuddering in the wake of his own release. Still shuddering, her body still rocking with aftershocks, he slowly laid her down on the bed and shifted to lie beside her.
She murmured, “I’m glad to see that part of your body wasn’t injured.”
He chuckled, leaned over, kissed her gently, and whispered, “Me too.”
She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. “You know that it’s not pity I see when I look at you,” she said quietly. “Yet I can’t help but sympathize for all the pain you went through. Not only the initial pain from the explosion but also the pain of recovery. However, more than that, I respect what you came through to get to this side. I always knew you were a hell of a man. But now … Now I’ve seen the proof of it.” She opened her eyes fully, leaned up, and kissed him with all the tenderness she could muster. “What saddens me, brings tears to my eyes if you ever see them, is that you had to go through it alone. I’d have given everything to sit by your bedside to let you know you were no longer alone.”
His gaze darkened, and he rolled over, flattening her beneath him. He didn’t say anything; he used his hands and mouth to express just how he felt. She’d never experienced such tenderness, such a sense of being the most precious thing in a man’s arms, except with him.
After he’d left for the navy, she’d had several affairs, needing to know that she was still attractive and that maybe somebody would love her. But they hadn’t been Talon, and she’d soon stopped seeking to find love in mindless sex. But this night of lovemaking was for them. She hoped for many more. But even as he filled her again, and as her heart was overwhelmed to the point of overflowing, she knew what a gift he’d given her.
“Thank you so much,” she whispered.
He stilled in his gentle movements and pulled back slightly to look down at her. He stroked the hair off her face. “Thank me for what?”
She smiled, a little more used to the probing questioning, as she said, “For giving me a second chance.”
He dropped a kiss on the tip of her nose, then on her chin and on her cheeks. “Ditto.”
And proceeded to love her all over again.
Talon woke early in the morning, long before dawn. His body sore but humming with the sensation that only came with sexual satisfaction. A global well-being. Last night was his first sexual encounter since his accident. It could hardly be called an encounter. It was a homecoming. He’d never even thought she could care after all this time. But to know she’d been waiting inside her heart for him to come back made him wish he’d returned years ago. He tucked her up closer against him, his hand stroking her lower arm. Of course he couldn’t feel anything, but, just to know she wasn’t intimidated, scared, or disgusted by the man he was now gave him such great hope.
For the longest time he thought he’d never be able to have a relationship again. That he’d never be able to hold a woman in his arms because nobody would ever care to be there. That he’d be so ugly, so broken, so scarred, that it would be a hardship for anyone to love him. Instead, his beautiful generous-of-heart Clary not only hadn’t seemed to care about those things, she had barely noticed. When he’d stood before her, bare of everything, so she might see who he was for real, he’d felt like such a shadow of who he’d been with her previously, until she had kissed his scar. Just one of many.
And he realized he’d initially misjudged her. She wasn’t pitying him. She was just … loving him. And that he’d take anytime. He smiled as he conformed his body to hers, watching the night edge toward morning out her window. He heard her breathing slow down and become more uniform. Knowing they were in good hands with Laszlo downstairs, Talon closed his eyes and drifted off.
The next time he awoke, it was getting lighter outside. Maybe six in the morning. With surprise, he realized he’d had his first decent night’s sleep in a long time. He knew he wouldn’t have to explain where he was to Laszlo. Clary was still tucked in his arms. He smiled gently remembering all the lazy mornings they’d enjoyed in the past. He didn’t know how long he could stay here in San Diego. There wasn’t anything back in Santa Fe except for all his friends and Kat. As he lay on the bed, thinking about what it would be like to either move here or to ask her to move with him, she spoke.
“Do you have a house in Santa Fe?”
He nodded. “I do. But it’s nothing like this.”
“Tell me about it.”
“The backyard opens to state land, so there’s nobody behind it. It’s an extra large lot, the size of four actually, so there are no close neighbors. I don’t stare from my windows into the window of another house. You can walk for miles. I have jogging routes, and they start right out my back door. I’m less than three blocks from a large river, and that’s another walk I love to take in the afternoon. The house itself isn’t spectacular, but it’s nice,” he continued. “I’ve been doing a lot of work on it. One of these days I might even finish it.” He chuckled. “It was never anything I intended to do, but, after I needed a home, I fell in love with this place and realized it was something I could do for myself, put a piece of my personality into it, and I could heal some of my emotional wounds as I healed physically. And maybe, as I fixed the house, it would fix me too.”
“Did it?”
“In a way it did. Working with your hands is very soothing, taking something that’s terribly ugly and turning it into a masterpiece. I didn’t have much skill beforehand, but I’ve been learning.” He spoke with pride. “I’m about to put in a big deck outside. A veranda drifts down the front of the house with a big wide double staircase going up ten steps to the double front doors. But out in the back, there’s nothing. It just drops off. I’ve put in French doors, but I haven’t got a deck built yet.”
“It sounds beautiful.”
There was wonder in her tone. It made him smile.
“How many bedrooms?”
He dropped a kiss on her forehead, wondering where she was going with this. “There are four bedrooms.”
She twisted to look up at him in surprise. “Why so big?”
He shrugged, not wanting to tell her.
“Because you wanted a family?” she asked, her tone low, gentle.
He nodded. “In the back of my mind, I was hoping, maybe one day, I would be blessed enough to find a woman who would take me as I am.”
She pivoted in his arms and kissed him. “Well, there won’t be that woman,” she said in a determined voice. “So you can stop looking.”
He looked at her in surprise, a core of dread forming in the stomach. “What do you mean?”
“I’m that woman. You found me already.” Her smile was momentary as she kissed his nose and cheek.
He grabbed her and held her tight against him. “Do you mean that?”
“I’ve never meant anything more in my life. And I would never ask you to move here. I know you don’t belong here in your heart, and honestly I don’t anymore either. I was staying for my parents for some reason, and I don’t know why. They aren’t even here. They never come here. So what do they care? I could sell Chad’s house, and, if you’re agreeable”—she sat up, looking shy and uncertain—“I will move in with you.”
He propped himself up too, his hand stroking the plump breast in front of him. “Are you sure you want to do that? So fast? We have only just reconnected.”
“Yes.” Her smile widened with joy. “I’m very sure. I’ll turn in my two weeks’ notice at work today. And we might have just reconnected, but, in reality, we never fully separated.”
He stared at her in surprise. “Are you willing to give it all up? Chad’s house? Although you could rent it out just to make sure, before you sell it outright. But what about your job here? What above your parents and their home? This was where you were born and where you’ve always lived.”
“I can’t do it anymore. It’s all part of the same life I’ve lived for eight years. For way too long. A life that doesn’t allow me to be me, doesn’t let me laugh or smile. I don’t really know anybody in the office because I don’t socialize with anyone. Not at work and definitely not afterward. That’s not what I did. I was this locked-down personality from morning ’til night. And I don’t want that anymore. Since you’ve been here, I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve screamed. I’ve even hit you …” She frowned and stroked his cheek. “For that I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head. “Hit away. I’m a big man, and your little blows are nothing for me.”
“That may be, but it’s still not right,” she said regretfully. “But it’s like the floodgates have opened. Yesterday I was bereft of everything. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know where I was. And some of those truths Jerry and I exchanged yesterday were very hard to assimilate. But I’m working on it. Last night was the best night I’ve had since you left,” she admitted. “And this morning it’s like so much of yesterday is over with. It’ll take time, and I’ll make mistakes. I might even lock down, tuck back into that little personality again every once in a while, but I’m sure you’ll say something and pop me back out with the same fury I’ve seen these last couple days.”
He watched her as she tried to sort out something that was important to say.
She glanced back at him and smiled. “I know it’s weird to say, but it’s like I’ve been in cold storage, until you came back. And I’m so damn grateful you did.”
He pulled her into his arms and just held her.
Then she started to bawl.
He leaned down, brushed the tears off her cheeks and whispered, “And now why are you crying?”
She smiled through her tears and whispered, “Because I’m so happy.”
He crushed her lips to his and made love to her with a ferocity that surprised them both. It was as if they were forging one soul from two broken spirits. If it were possible, then he would make sure it happened right now.
When it was over, they both lay exhausted, gasping for breath, holding on to each other for dear life. “I don’t know what that was,” she said, “but I want more. I want a lifetime of more.”
He couldn’t move to give her a kiss for that. He did manage to murmur, “You can have more. A lot more. But you’ll have to wait and give me time to recover after this one. I think you just might kill me.”
She sat up and looked at him. “Just like old times, huh? The good parts of the old times.”
He grinned, his memories flooding his psyche. Because that’s what they had been—hot, passionate lovers every time they made love.
She hopped off the bed, walking to the bathroom. He watched, his attention on her beautiful cheeks as she walked away from him. She called over her shoulder, “So, can you shower with those things on?” She stopped at the door, wearing a grin. “And, if you can, you better get your ass over here because I gotta be at work by nine. That means it’s shower time now. And I know how much SEALs love the water.”