How You Know It Won’t Work:
Your doubt outweighs your belief
The little specks of dirt on my shoes became fascinating when Caleb and I stopped outside my front door after our amazing night. The car ride back to my apartment was quiet besides the soft music playing in the background.
Caleb realized I loved country music.
I learned that Caleb hated it.
We compromised and kept listening.
But now I was standing in front of him, Boots wrapped tightly in my arms. I wondered if he wanted to come in, or if he was going to kiss me.
“I had—”
“Thanks again for—”
We both stopped talking once the other started. I bit back a smile and shifted on my feet. He chuckled and flicked the stuffed cat in my arms.
“Go ahead,” he eased, hooking his thumbs into his pockets.
I blew out a breath. “Did you…” I cleared my throat, pointing behind me. “I think I have some juice to drink.”
Did I just offer a grown man juice? Oh, my God. Mental face palm.
Cringing at my stupidity, I picked at my purse strap. “I mean, I’ve got other stuff too. Water, milk, some hot chocolate mix. I’m not really into alcohol, but—”
“Got some orange juice?”
I stopped my blabbering. “Yeah.”
“I can go for some OJ.”
I nodded but didn’t move.
“Paisley?”
“Yes?”
He tipped his chin toward the door. “Are you going to let me in? Or are we going to stay out here the rest of the night? Mrs. Meyers may just join us unless you save me from her.”
The sad thing was, she just might. Mrs. Meyer’s lived down the hall with a tiny shiatzu named Whiskers. She was a cute little white-haired dog that loved to bark at everything that moved.
Squirrel ran past the window? Bark.
Mail man delivered bills? Bark.
Bird pooped on a windshield? Bark.
Whiskers was cute, but she was annoying. I tolerated her because she was all Mrs. Meyer’s had left. She didn’t have children, and no extended family ever visited. Caleb was the only person she interacted with besides me and the landlord when he came to do inspections.
“So…” He rested his hip against the wall, watching me with a tilted gaze. “How about that juice?”
I snapped out of my awkwardness and grabbed my keys. Anything could happen once I opened that door. My hands shook as I thought about all the things I wanted him to do.
Startled when his hand came down on mine, I snapped my attention to him.
“It’s just juice,” he promised lightly.
Just juice, I repeated silently.
Unlocking the door, I slid it open and let him go in first. Hesitantly following him in, I pressed my back into the door until it clicked.
Straightening my shoulders, I pushed off the door and toward the fridge. There was nothing to be nervous about, not with Caleb Winters. Iris would kill him if her ever hurt me or did something I didn’t want him to.
Filling two glasses, I walked over to where he examined my Ikea shelves. Was it sad to be proud that I managed to put them together myself? Being handy wasn’t usually a skill of mine. I had to give myself a pat on the back when I could.
Caleb stopped at the shelf by the TV stand, examining my wide array of movies on display. I organized them into different categories, action, books-to-movies, Disney, and romance.
Romance dominated the shelf by a long shot, but Disney was a close runner up. When I started my collection, it was primarily book adaptations. But half of them were disappointing, completely different than the written works. I’d lost interest in Hollywood attempting to do my favorite novels justice.
Suddenly all the Disney movies I had made me wish I had hidden them. I loved fairy tales, even if I knew they never came true. Like books, movies were an easy escape from reality.
Still, I knew Caleb wasn’t exactly a Disney princess guy. Yet, there was not a spec of judgement on his face when he read each title. He even pulled a few out to read the summaries on the back.
I passed him his drink, eyes grazing the colorful sleeves. “I’m a bit of a movie geek.”
He smiled. “I see that. It’s impressive. Iris used to make me watch some of these.” He gestured toward a few well-known movies. Mulan, Pocahontas, and Hercules were among them. “Can’t say I remember what they’re about though. Except Herc. I liked that one.”
My eyes grazed over the muscles of his arms, seemingly not surprised that he liked the movie. He was kind of like Hercules, and not just physically. They both cared and wanted to help others.
“I image you would,” I answered, sipping my juice.
He pointed toward my action section. “I see you’re a DC girl?”
I’d gone through a Superman phase when I had hung out with Tyler years ago. After we stopped talking, I’d cut ties with anything related to the franchise. “I don’t have a preference over DC or Marvel like some people. But I do love Captain America.”
He pulled out my Deadpool case. “I saw this when it came out with Iris. Her taste in movies has changed drastically since we were kids. She used to force me into watching girly shit, but now she prefers the gory stuff. This was pretty good though.”
“Ryan Reynolds was a perfect fit for Wade,” I agreed, not knowing what else to say.
“I liked him in The Proposal.”
My brows shot up in surprise. “What?”
“What? It was a good movie. Comically so.”
It was a good movie, there was no arguing about it. I’d watched it for the first time with a few of my high school friends during a trip to Boston. It was the first movie I saw with Ryan Reynolds as the lead, and I was hooked on him and his movies ever since. It was a romantic comedy, which didn’t seem like Caleb’s kind of thing.
I nudged his shoulder teasingly. “You totally watched it for Sandra Bullock, didn’t you? Admit it.”
His grin was blinding. “Maybe it was for Betty White. That woman is pure gold in everything she’s in.”
“The Golden Girls?”
“Of course.”
“The Golden Palace?”
He smirked. “Don’t forget The Betty White Show. Prime shit.”
I shook my head, giggling. “You really do like Betty White.”
“Kristen, the ex if you remember, actually had me watch it with her,” he admitted. “But I still watch it if I see it while flipping channels.”
There was no stopping the twinge of jealousy over hearing her name. I had no right to get upset because she was in the past. It just proved that we all had ugly parts.
He put the movie back where he found it and made his way over to the next shelf. This one was full of all books that didn’t fit in my office, alphabetized by author and genre. He picked up a random book and snorted when he saw the cover. Naturally he took one with a half-naked man in army-issued camo pants. No shirt, just a very impressive six-pack on display.
“You know,” he mused, tugging out the dog tags from under his shirt, “if this kind of stuff gets you off, I do have a uniform.”
My eyes widened. Even though we talked a little more about how he got into the army after we got off the Ferris wheel, he tended to avoid the topic.
“I-I…”
He carefully put the book back. “Relax, Pais. I’m just messing with you. Unless you’re into that, then I’d happily wear the pants at all times.”
I squeaked out a laugh. “Whatever.”
He moved along, stopping to examine various knick-knacks that littered my shelves. Most of them were fake flowers in decorative vases, since Mashed Potato kept eating the real ones I tried keeping around. Plus, I had the unfortunate capability of killing a cactus. I was doing plants everywhere a favor.
When we made it to the bedroom, I tried stopping him but was too slow. He peeked his head in through the cracked door, a small smirk lifting his lips when he saw the state of disaster inside.
“I’m not usually that messy,” I explained quickly. I ducked under his arm and started picking up clothes scattered over, well, everything. Stuffing some of them into the drawers of my dresser, I glanced around to make sure that nothing embarrassing was laying around.
“You don’t need to clean,” he said from the doorway.
I played with a sweater that was hanging from my closet door. He stayed right where he was, not invading the space I considered private. He just watched me intently, waiting for the next move.
“I, uh, couldn’t figure out what to wear on our date.”
“It’s cute.”
My nose scrunched. “How?”
“You were nervous,” he answered casually. “It tells me that you wanted to impress me. For the record, you could wear a garbage bag and I’d still find you sexy as hell.”
I snorted unattractively. “Yeah, okay.”
He winked again. “But I thoroughly enjoyed what you chose. Those jeans…” He bit his lips as his eyes locked on how the material hugged my hips. “I really like those jeans.”
I picked invisible lint off them. “Thanks.”
“Look at me, Paisley.”
I obeyed, albeit hesitantly.
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’ve said that already tonight.”
“Well, I’ll keep saying it until you believe me,” he informed me simply. He uncrossed his ankles, pushing himself off the doorjamb so he stood straight. “I want you to know that you’re a bombshell. Those jeans? That shirt? Your curves kill me, Paisley. And I don’t even think you realize how many heads you turned tonight.”
What?
Although I usually avoided eye contact when I was in a public setting, I didn’t want to believe him. I didn’t look like the other girls at the fair. They were tiny, their thighs didn’t shake when they walked in their micro-shorts, and they glowed with self-confidence. My hair wasn’t perfectly styled, my body wasn’t toned, and my outfit wasn’t revealing.
“Don’t do that,” he scolded.
“Do what?”
“Put yourself down.”
How did he know I was doing that?
He gestured toward the space between his brows. “When you overthink, you get a cute little wrinkle between your eyebrows.”
I stared at the tips of my boots. “Oh.”
“Can I come in?”
My eyes snapped to his. “Uh…”
“I’ll keep my hands in my pockets if it makes you feel better,” he bargained.
I sighed. “You don’t have to do that.”
It felt pathetic that I was this nervous around someone I knew I could trust. My lack of experience weighed more heavily than my sense of safety.
Blowing out a breath, I picked up a random shirt from the bed. “I don’t want you thinking I’m some innocent little girl who’s afraid of having boys in her room. I’m not like that.”
He stepped into my room, keeping at least three feet between us. “I didn’t think that, although it makes me twitchy wondering how many boys have been in your room.”
Oh, geez.
He didn’t even give me a chance to say anything before a cocky grin appeared on his face. “I’m not worried about that, though. Want to know why?”
I held my breath and gave him an uncertain expression.
He took another step closer. “Because I know I’m the first man to step inside these four walls.”
I swallowed hard, staying silent.
His eyes caught something from the corner of his eyes. “Now these are fucking sexy.”
Reaching for something behind me, he picked up a pair of my kitten-clad boy short undies, dangling them from his finger in front of my face.
Quickly snatching them out of his annoying pinchers, I turned to shove them back into my dresser drawer. Keeping my back to him, I drew in a deep breath, knowing he was watching, waiting, for what I did next.
I gathered enough courage to face him, straightening my shoulders. “Just forget you saw those.”
“I wasn’t kidding. They’re sexy.”
“They had kittens on them,” I deadpanned. Not just kittens, but rainbow-colored ones. There couldn’t be anything less sexy than that.
Except my unicorn pair.
Damn glad he didn’t see those.
He reached out and brushed his knuckles down my right arm. “They’re you. And you, Paisley, are hot.”
I groaned. “You’re ridiculous.”
“I just speak the truth.”
We fell to silence. The only sound was our soft breaths breathing in and out rhythmically. I nudged the carpet with my boot, wondering what to do now. He didn’t seem to offer up any suggestions. He just watched me squirm instead.
Mashed Potato came strolling in, scratching up against Caleb’s legs. He bent down and picked her up, and she burrowed into his neck happily.
“She likes you.” My cat had better game than I did.
He scratched her head, flashing a cocky smirk. “What’s not to like?”
I playfully shoved his shoulder, stepping around his bulky body and headed into the living room. Picking up my drink from the counter, I brought it over to the couch and curled my feet up under myself. My eyes casually tracked Caleb as he rounded the other side of the couch, Tater still tucked against his chest.
He tipped his head toward the flat screen. “Want to put something on?”
I blinked. “You want to watch TV?”
He shrugged. “Unless you want me to go. I still have juice to drink. Would hate to waste it after all the effort you put into pouring it for me.”
I fought off a smile. It was after ten, but I didn’t want him to leave yet.
Searching for the remote in the mass of throw blankets was tedious. Once I finally found my treasure, I flipped on the TV and loaded Netflix.
There was a Netflix and chill joke lingering in the front of my brain, but neither of us could bring ourselves to speak.
Caleb sat down in the middle of the couch, placing Mashed Potato at the very end. The cat curled into a ball and promptly fell asleep. Caleb’s legs were spread out, invading my personal bubble. Our knees were practically touching. A breeze wouldn’t be able to pass through the teeny gap.
My free hand fidgeted on top of my thigh, while my other gripped the remote. I yearned to touch his hand, hold it, weave our fingers together like he’d done earlier at the fair. But I didn’t have the nerve to make the first move, so I remained still.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, fussing over Tater when she climbed back onto his lap.
My mouth dried. “Nothing? Why?”
His lips wavered. “I meant what are you thinking about watching? Movie? Show? I’m up for anything.”
Heat flushed my cheeks.
Now he knew I was definitely thinking about him. I wouldn’t be able to deny it because I was sure my pink cheeks gave everything away.
I shook it off. “What do you want to watch?”
He let Mashed Potato jump off his lap when she was done being adored. “I think a TV show would get me out sooner than a movie. Unless you picked a show binge-worthy, in which case would give me a reason to stay longer.”
Was he giving me an out?
His arms were crossed on his chest, his body eased into the couch cushions. His shirt had white cat hairs on it, but he didn’t seem to mind. He was comfortable in my little world.
And I liked having him here.
The realization struck me head on, chiseling away some of my fear.
If I chose a good show to watch, he’d most likely spend the night. I’d been here once before with Nathan. I wasn’t cautious with him. I left my heart wide open to anything he would give me, and he offered nothing.
“A movie sounds nice,” I whispered.
He didn’t take offense to my choice. He just smiled, like he was happy either way. And maybe he was. Caleb didn’t give away much.
I let him pick what we watched, feeling completely guilty. I’d expected him to choose a horror flick or action movie, but he surprised me and settled on Universal’s latest movie The Secret Life of Pets.
It made me smile. I settled into a spot that seemed so tiny compared to the surface area he encompassed. I wasn’t uncomfortable, if anything I liked how he dominated my air.
When the movie started, I glanced at our hands. His rested on his thigh like mine had, his palm face up. My fingers twitched, shifting closer to his and then drawing back in indecision.
Trying to focus on the cartoon dog on the screen, I closed my fingers. My heartbeat played an erratic tune as I forced myself to watch what was playing out on in front of me. I’d seen the movie before, so it wasn’t like I was missing anything important.
I was distracted. Every little movement Caleb made had my undivided attention. From the corner of my eye, I noticed him look down at the way my hand rested, but the glance lasted for only a second.
Ten minutes into the movie, I’d remembered why I hadn’t watched it since that first time. It may have been for children, but it was depressing. Not only was the premise a dog being rescued from the pound, but the animals left behind by their humans during the day made me wonder what my own pet was thinking while I was gone.
I’d almost cried in the theater, but now my eyes were really welling. Trying to dry my wet cheeks before he noticed was a fail, because when I went to lift my arm, I accidently elbowed him.
He angled his body toward me, worry weighing down his brows. “Why are you crying?”
I sniffed. “It’s so sad.”
“How is this sad?”
I watched Mashed Potato sleep in the corner of the room, perfectly content. “What if that’s what Mashed Potato does all day? What if she misses me so much that all she does is sit by the door?”
He stared at my quivering jaw and leaky eyes before putting his arm around me and tugging me into his side. His spicy scent engulfed me.
“Babe, when you’re at home, where is she?”
“It depends on her mood.”
“Okay, but nine times out of ten, what does she do?”
I frowned. “Ignore me.”
I felt him nod. “Exactly. I promise that she’s not in some depressed state waiting for you to come home. Okay? This was supposed to be a feel-good movie.”
I pulled away. “Have you seen this?”
“No…”
Now I was a blubbering mess. “They have to rescue a dog from being euthanized! This was one of the saddest movies ever!”
He deadpanned. “You own Finding Nemo and Bambi, where both the main character’s mothers die. How is this the saddest one you’ve seen?” His eyes get big. “Jesus H. Christ. Don’t tell me the dog gets put down.”
“No, they save him.”
He grabbed the remote from the table and stopped the movie. “How about something that doesn’t make you cry? I mean, it gave me a reason to put my arm around you, but not really the way I wanted to go about it.”
It was then that I felt the weight of his toned arm around my frail shoulders. Warmth radiated from where my cheek rested against his chest. His heartbeat thumped, lulling my brain.
Caleb pulled me closer, so close my mind couldn’t help but remember what it felt like the last time someone held me.
It was funny how one person could inflict so much damage on one’s psyche. Nathan hadn’t even kissed me, we hadn’t shared our thoughts on world politics of our favorite foods. I didn’t even know his favorite color. Yet he was the one who stuck out. The one who made me question the type of romance I loved reading in books.
Love was like God.
I didn’t know if it existed.
Well…until now.
Caleb shifted, snapping me from the painful memory. “What’s wrong?”
I hadn’t realized my body had locked up. I blew out a breath, easing my tense muscles. This was Caleb, combing his fingers through my hair with one hand while holding my hand with the other.
Caleb wanted to touch me softly. Comfort me in my time of need.
It was just now I realized Nathan Reed never wanted to hold my hand.
“Sorry,” I whispered into his shirt. “I was just thinking about a different time, different place. It isn’t important.”
His chin rested on the top of my head. “I doubt it isn’t important. Do you want to talk about it?”
My throat thickened. “No.”
It was an old conversation anyway. Thinking about Nathan, or Tyler, or any of them while I was with this amazing guy. Caleb wasn’t like them—he wasn’t giving up on me like the others had. He was willing to give me something that I never had before.
It made me feel fuller. Like a little piece of myself slipped back into place.
“I just want…” I licked my bottom lip. “I want this to be different than the relationships I tried to have before, Cal. It’s not just their fault things didn’t work. I was just as much to blame.”
“What do you mean?”
I drew away from his hold, his arm dropping back down to his sides. Leaning against the arm of the couch, I pulled the hem of my sweater over my knobby knees.
Nibbling on my lip, I shifted my gaze upward. “It’d be so much easier if I could blame every guy who rejected me for how I feel right now. But then that’d become just another excuse. How can I blame them when they all knew what they wanted? It’s petty to feel the way I do. It was me who expected too much and wanted more than they offered. I got my own hopes up, and that shouldn’t be on them. But all this time I made it that way, so I’d stop feeling so bad about myself.”
I’d let go of my ill feelings toward Lucas, Tyler, and Connor. But I’d held onto Nathan because he was the first one who I imagined a real relationship with. His rejection cut through me. He never truly rejected me, but instead strung my along for his pleasure.
There was no closure.
I laughed at that. “I’m an idiot,” I mused drily. “I spent so much time being sour over past lovers because they didn’t like me. When I’m not sure I ever really liked them to begin with.”
“Why get involved then?” Caleb questioned.
I blew out a breath, sinking into where I sat.
“Haven’t you just wanted to feel wanted?”
He thought about it. “I suppose.”
I shrugged. “I spent my whole life watching everybody around me get what they wanted. I was the socially awkward chubby girl in high school, and my best friend was the popular cheerleader type. Guys flocked to her all the time, some of them even coming to me just to see if she would be interested in them. I was the middle man for fucks sake. After a while, I just wanted to know what that felt like. I wanted to feel the power of having a man crawling and begging for little ol’ me.”
He nodded in understanding. “And now?”
Wasn’t it human nature to want attention? To crave the feeling of being needed. I think the most important part of my revelation was the who.
“It depends on the person.”
He inched toward me. “What about me?”
I bit down on my bottom lip.
He smiled. “I’m going to kiss you now, Paisley. Because I like you and I want to. Cool?”
My throat thickened, and I bobbed my head in a tiny nod. “Cool.”