How You Know It Won’t Work:
He calls you his ex’s name
Mashed Potato weighs a lot this morning.
That was the first thing I thought when I finally roused from sleep. Popping my eye open, I saw her staring at me from the top of the night stand.
What the…?
My body froze when I looked down at a toned arm draped across my midsection. A large hand was pressed flat across my stomach where my shirt had ridden up, causing heat to spread throughout my body from the point of contact. But not as much as when I felt something hard pressing against my right butt cheek.
I swallowed hard, trying to piece together my memories from last night. But early morning brain fog had clouded my memory, and panic filled my body.
“Oh, God,” I hissed, quickly sitting up. The arm fell off me just as I started falling off the edge of the bed. But before I hit the carpet, the same taut arm hooked around me.
Slowly, I forced my gaze upward.
Caleb hauled me back onto the mattress, smiling. “Morning, beautiful.”
“Caleb?” I blinked, relief flooding my nervous system.
He drew his arm back, eyeing me inquisitively. “You act surprised to see me.”
The haze cleared, and I remembered what transpired between us before we’d fallen asleep wrapped around each other. The relief of seeing him lightened my mood considerably, making a shy smile tip up the corners of my lips. Waking up with him wasn’t like it’d been with Nate, because I knew where our emotions were at this point in our relationship.
Caleb’s pinched expression made me wonder what was going through his mind, causing my smile to drop. The welcomed fuzzy feeling in my stomach vanished when he moved away from me so there was no physical connection between us.
“Who else would be here, Paisley?” His tone lingered with accusation. “That Nate guy?”
I tried calming my heart. “No. I…”
He watched me, and then looked away with the shake of his head.
“What?” I asked dumbly.
“Nothing,” he muttered, sliding off the mattress and stretching.
I reached out to touch his arm. “Caleb, I’m not stupid. I know something is causing you to act this way.”
He brushed his hand through his hair, turning to face me. “I don’t want to be fooled again, Kristen.”
Kristen?
I gaped at him, wondering if he knew what he just called me. Maybe he didn’t at first, like a warped sense of reality had taken over his brain, but when he saw my lips press together and eyes draining of emotion, he knew he’d just royally fucked up.
Mashed Potato strolled toward him, but he didn’t pick her up like she wanted him to. I heard his footsteps come around the bed toward me, but I held up my hand to stop his pursuit.
Standing up, I crossed my arms on my chest. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not Kristen.”
“I know—”
“Do you?” I grabbed Tater and held her close to me.
He shook his head, hands gripping his neck.
“You think about your ex-girlfriend?”
“Fiancée,” he corrected quietly. “You wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be with someone on that level. What we had lasted a long time. It’s not something you forget about.”
My lips parted, but the hurt made the words coat the back of my throat, not slipping free. Nodding my head, I hugged Mashed Potato closer to my chest and walked around Caleb. My destination the living room, my office, the bathroom. Anywhere but here.
He cursed, trying to intercept me. “Hey, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
Tater squirmed in my arms, so I let her escape. She could probably sense the tension coursing through me. I didn’t blame her for leaving before getting caught in the cross fire.
“You need to leave.” I sniffed back tears that tried breaking free and kept my back towards him so he couldn’t see the rejection on my face.
“Paisley come on. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to say that.”
His apology was the last thing I wanted to hear. In fact, those too little words meant nothing in the midst of the fury boiling me alive.
“I said leave!” I yelled, whipping around and pointing towards the door.
“Like you have room to judge,” he stated, crossing his arms across his chest. His pleading turned into anger, his eyes molding to stone and accusation cutting through my thick skin.
It was getting harder to hold back the waterfall of tears in my eyes. Humiliation slapped me from every direction. “Excuse me?” I whispered.
“I’m not an idiot, Paisley. You freaked the fuck out when you woke up, like you couldn’t remember who you fell asleep next to. Just admit it. You thought I was that Nate guy, right? God, how could I have been so stupid?” He started moving around the room, slipping the shirt I just realized had come off back over his head, and searching for his shoes.
The first flame of pain penetrated my heart; my body taking the brutal heat like it was being melted from the inside out. The more I pretended it didn’t hurt, the deeper the grave I was digging myself into. I was so sick of pretending other’s actions were okay—that what people have said to me was okay, that I was fucking okay.
Taking a deep breath, I said, “You just called me your ex’s name, while still in bed with me.” I took two steps forward. “Then you implied I was unlovable, like no one has ever loved me enough for me to make the mistake of misidentifying someone else.” I stalked closer still. “And then you accuse me of thinking you’re someone else, when in reality I was thrilled to be waking up next to you.”
A lone white-hot tear slid down my cheek as I watched his expression change from animosity to sorrow. We were face to face, barely an inch between us, our heavy breaths mingling. Swiping angerly at the wet path on my cheek, I took another deep breath and stepped away.
“Leave,” my voice wobbled slightly.
He hesitated for a few moments, like he wanted to say something but decided he shouldn’t. I made my way to the front door, knowing he’d follow.
I wrapped my fingers around the knob and pulled, but the craptastic door didn’t budge. I glanced over my shoulder at the heartbreakingly beautiful man I thought understood me—the man I thought liked every part of my warped soul. His palm was pressed against the wood, a silent plea not to make him go.
“Please, Caleb,” it was only a broken whisper.
He nodded and moved his hand. His feet moved him outside, and over his shoulder he called, “Talk later?”
The muscles in his back went taut, like he was afraid of my answer.
My voice cracked, “Yeah. Talk later.”
But I think we both knew that wasn’t going to happen.
Work dragged because of my sour mood, and I had no one to blame but myself. Caleb had tried calling me the morning he left, but I didn’t answer. I’d been tempted to text him a couple times but refused to be the stupid girl who kept making the same mistakes with men.
I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me on purpose, but the fear and shame still festered. And while I knew I was being petty by ghosting him, I had no rules to follow when it came to these situations. It would be easier if there was a relationship manual to follow along with.
The worst part of it all was knowing he thought I was clueless about relationships. I accepted that I was a long time ago, but that didn’t mean I’d never experienced the same emotional connection he was tormented with because of Kristen. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that he wouldn’t think of her just because they weren’t together anymore.
Compared to Caleb, I was a child. My pride shattered into millions of tiny pieces just to acknowledge how little I truly knew. But those shattered pieces became nothing but piles of dust when he punished me for manipulating him like his ex-fiancée did. I’d been truthful about my past reservations—honest over being scorned by the men in my past.
That was why my love for four-legged felines grew to immeasurable amounts. Cats didn’t judge you about how little you knew of love. All they expected were treats, pets, and an occasional cuddle.
Looking up from my depressing lunch to the doorway, I saw Iris and Janine staring at me. I wasn’t sure how long they’d been there, since I’d been poking around the sad little spinach for some time.
“She must be sad,” Janine muttered. “She’s eating salad.”
I rolled my eyes. “I can hear you.”
Iris stepped in, picking a crouton out of the bowl. “Good. So, you can hear us tell you to stop sulking. You’ve spent way too much time being moody. Today is a new day. Go forth and conquer, my Queen!”
“I’m not—”
She waved her finger at me. “Don’t bullshit me. Caleb told me you’re avoiding him.”
“I am not!”
“So, you’re answering his calls?”
Worrying my lip, I shrugged.
Iris pulled my salad away. “That’s what I thought. Kristen is old news. He mentioned you two got into an argument over her, but it’s not worth giving everything up for.”
My jaw ticked. “That’s what he told you?”
“Is that not what happened?”
Scoffing, I pulled my salad back in front of me. “He told me I wasn’t capable of knowing what their level of love was like. After he called me Kristen. In bed. After spending the night together!”
Janine cringed.
Iris frowned, taking my hand and squeezing it. “He didn’t mean it. I know my brother, Pais. Caleb is a good guy.”
“I’m sure he is.”
The irritating part was that I knew Caleb was a good guy. That only made this situation worse! If he was a douche like half the people I usually attracted, it would be easier to get over because being assholes were in their DNA. Instead, I had to deal with a nice guy…who stupidly called me a different girl’s name.
“But maybe he’s not good for me,” I added.
She sat on the edge of the table. “Want me to kick him in the family jewels? I don’t need nieces or nephews. Hell, I can rip those suckers right off.”
I laughed. “No. Can you just let it go?”
“But I really think—”
“I’m an adult, Iris. I don’t need you to think for me.” I ignored the hurt expression pooling in her eyes and the way her lips twitched like she was fighting a major frown. I didn’t realize it until now, but she had the same mannerisms as Caleb. When they let their feelings build up, you could see them play across their faces.
Looking at Iris reminded me of Caleb. And it hurt. So much.
I crunched down on a piece of spinach, which tasted like bitter disappointment. “What I need is to figure out what I want.”
I’d been here before. Something would happen that left me second guessing myself every time. I knew I could have stopped being petty and just talked it out with Caleb, but I didn’t know if I could be with someone who accused me of being like an awful woman. Telling him to leave was easier than watching him walk out on me in the future.
Every thought that popped into my head was just another excuse why I couldn’t make it work. I didn’t like sabotaging myself, but I was certain it was a habit I couldn’t bust.
Reluctantly, Iris nodded. “I get it. For the record, I hope you both end up happy no matter what you decide. Just…just think about how you let him in when you haven’t done that with anybody else. Not that tool bag Nathan or even the douche nozzle Tyler. It means something.”
But did it mean enough?
When Iris left, Janine lingered behind. “I didn’t think I could be happy after Kyle.”
My focus shifted from my rabbit food to her.
Kyle had been her husband of almost ten years. I hadn’t known him, just her current boyfriend Jake. They seemed happy—having weekly Sunday brunches together and taking their boat out on Otsego Lake during the holidays. Jake and Janine were fun to be around, inviting some of us out to swim on the hot days after work was finished. From what I heard, Kyle couldn’t have cared less about the people she surrounded herself with.
Janine sat down next to me. “You’ve never dated, so it’s a little different. I’m sure that’s what her brother was trying to tell you. And he’s right, Paisley. If he brought her up, it’s probably because he’s just as afraid of getting hurt again. That’s no different than you.”
It was different. He jumped to conclusions and lashed out at me. I was just on the receiving end of his unnecessary anger, which only proved that I was a magnet for bad luck.
I put down my fork. “I’ve been here before, Janine. If I make the same mistake with Caleb, what does that say about me?”
She bumped my arm with her shoulder, giving me a small smile. “Kid, your mistake would be not giving this the proper shot. You’re too afraid that it won’t work out, so you pushed him away the first chance he upset you. And I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be pissed, but if you think there’s a chance at being happy with this guy, you need to figure out how to let go of that anger. You won’t always be happy with the person you’re with. You’ll both say stupid things you don’t mean and lash out. But you’ll also make up if you’re willing to try.”
Was I any different than the guys who hadn’t given me a chance in the past? If I’d cooled down after our fight, maybe I wouldn’t be debating my level of hypocrisy…or eating salad.
“But where is the line drawn, Janine?”
“There isn’t one.”
I didn’t want to believe that. My life had always been structured so I knew when enough was enough. I’d pulled away from people because of how I was treated and saying there was no limit on risks when it came to Caleb meant wiping everything I believed off the board.
It meant starting over.
She laughed. “Don’t look so scared. Falling in love isn’t supposed to be easy. Remember that, okay?”
Falling in love?
There was no way that was what was happening with Caleb.
…was it?
Janine didn’t give me a chance to answer before heading back out to the office.
I put my fork down and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I’d had it off since I got to work, not wanting to listen to music or know if I had any texts. I wasn’t sure if I was more afraid that there would be a message or wouldn’t.
A little green dot blinked as my answer.