chapter ONE

Grace

Ten Years Later

As soon as I finish my morning chores, I take a leisurely walk to my favorite place.

The grotto.

Cobblestone with moss in between the grooves and rose bushes in different colors mark the path that leads to it. I close my eyes savoring the tranquil moment. I inhale deeply, smiling, as the wonderful scent of roses in bloom hits my nostrils. When I open my eyes, my smile grows wider as the giant willow tree comes into full view. Its branches and leaves rest above and over the dome of the grotto like a curtain.

At the center of the grotto is a huge, distressed wooden cross. It hangs on a thick rope through a hole in the ceiling, tied securely to the thickest branch of the willow tree. Along the sides are wooden benches where the nuns and visitors sit while they pray.

Usually, when it rains, I stay inside for hours, imagining a life where my parents or grandparents survived. But, somehow, the safety of the abbey and the love of Mother Gertrude and the rest of the nuns have brought healing to my heart. Memories of that fateful night always bring tears to my eyes. Today being May 13, the anniversary of their deaths, makes the tears flow easily, like a river.

Like always, a sense of peace settles in my heart as soon as I step inside. I wipe my face dry and then close my eyes in prayer. I bathe in the silence that surrounds me.

“There you are, Grace.”

My eyes pop open when I hear Mother Gertrude’s voice.

With my hand on my chest, I ask, “Have I been gone that long?”

She slowly shakes her head. “No, my child.” She motions with her hand for me to stay seated. “I want to talk to you about something.”

My brows furrow in worry. Seeming to understand my plight, Mother Gertrude smiles and sandwiches my hand in both of hers.

“I love you, Grace. We all do. You’ve brought life”—her smile deepens, calming my heart—“and the music of your laughter to the abbey. While we’ve enjoyed every moment you’ve spent with us, I can’t be selfish.”

“Selfish?” I ask in confusion.

“Life here isn’t for everyone, especially you.” She strokes the apple of my cheek. “I’ve known through the years that you don’t belong here. However, then, your protection was my concern. Lately, it has become apparent that your life shouldn’t end here.”

My eyes widen in shock as fear of leaving the safety of the abbey weighs like a million pounds in my gut. Imagining a life outside these walls and without the nuns by my side only intensifies that fear.

“You don’t want me here anymore?” Asking the question tears at my heart.

“No!” The indignation in Mother Gertrude’s voice matches her look of horror. “Why would you even think that?” Her face softens. “Oh, Grace, I have to think of what’s good for you. And that is to finally discover life outside these walls. You’ve been here for far too long. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve”—she pauses with a solemn look on her face—“allowed my love for you to rule over what needs to be done. This isn’t your life, and it’s not fair to keep you from living the life that God has designed for you.”

“But I love it here!” I bellow. My mouth gapes in surprise from my outburst. I’ve never yelled like a petulant child ever since I set foot inside this place.

The woman I’ve learned to love as a mother only returns the look of surprise on my face with an expression of amusement on hers. “That, my child, is the real you. These walls have confined your spirit. I will not silence you anymore. I will not allow it.”

“But—” I protest, but a single finger raised stops me.

“When my brother called last night, I knew it was God’s way of telling me the time has come to set you free. I’ve prayed about it many times, and the Lord’s answer has been the same.” She sighs heavily. “It’s time, Grace. My nephew will pick you up tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I whisper. The weakness in my voice matches the frailty of my spirit. My eyes glisten with unshed tears, but they don’t fall. Instead, I bite my lip to stave off a cry my soul is dying to let out.

My eyes roam around the tiny grotto. I search for the answer from every moss-covered stone and every rose petal on the ground. Finally, my eyes move up to meet Mother Gertrude’s.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” My voice comes out in a tiny whisper. “Where will I go?”

Her soft and warm hand lands on my chin, turning my head to face her. My watery emeralds match her soft grays. A comforting silence flows between us as twin tears fall down my cheeks and hers. I’ve never seen Mother Superior cry during the ten years I’ve lived in the convent. Her own tears only trigger more to flow from my eyes.

“I wouldn’t throw you to the wolves. Your safety is my number one priority. My brother will take care of you. Don’t fret, my sweet Grace. Life begins for you tomorrow.”

“How can it begin? Living here, in this place, has brought me peace. Leaving now would only awaken my fears.”

She shakes her head in complete disagreement. “But this isn’t your life.”

“How do you know?” I ask with a little bite. The old me is raring to come out for self-preservation.

She stares into my eyes with her all-too knowing eyes. Eyes that have seen life. Eyes that have witnessed the evil that exists outside these walls. Eyes that calmed me that frightful night.

“I know because, if this were the life the good Lord had intended for you, you would’ve answered the call. You would’ve taken the oath long before now. You’ve never heard it, have you?”

I shake my head—not in denial, but in frustration. I force myself to remember a moment when my heart clamored to take the oath or if my ears heard the call. Not a single moment comes to mind. Not one in the past ten years.

“But that doesn’t mean a thing! This life is all I’ve known.” I bury my face in my hands, realizing the inevitable is coming. The world I’ve escaped will welcome me soon. Much too soon.

Gently, Mother Gertrude pushes my chin up with her weathered hand. “That’s not true. You lived outside the walls of the abbey before you were brought here. According to my brother, you lived a good life with two loving parents. You know how to live out there, Grace.”

“The same thing with the rest of the sisters who are here. We all came from the outside world! Just like you!” I reason, throwing down the last card I have.

She cups my cheeks again. “The difference is, they were called to live this life. And you, my sweet Grace, were brought to me for safe keeping.” She smiles lovingly. Her gray melancholy eyes contradict her smile. “It’s time to spread your wings, my child.”

The weight of her words and the meaning behind them hit me so hard, I collapse under her hold. Her arms encircle my shaking body as tears continue to flow freely down my cheeks. I’m crying for my impending exodus. Will it take me forty years to find myself?

“It’ll be okay, my dear Grace. It’ll be okay.”