Hayley soon realised that things in Edinburgh weren’t going to be fine. Not even close.
‘Make yourself comfortable,’ Ian had said when they’d first arrived. ‘But please don’t move any of my things, I like them the way they are.’
Consequently, Hayley left her knick-knacks in the boxes they’d arrived in and only unpacked half of her clothes.
The first few weeks had been quite exciting as she perused the job adverts in The Herald and explored the city as if she were on holiday. But then Ian started working late so frequently that she spent most of her evenings alone too. She’d spoken to Ellen on the phone but the atmosphere between them remained frosty.
‘So how are things with you two?’ Ellen said one evening.
‘Oh perfect. Everything’s just wonderful,’ Hayley answered quickly. ‘I’m so glad I moved here.’
She didn’t say that she felt like a guest in Ian’s huge flat. Or that its sparse furniture made it look more like a museum of modern art rather than the love-nest she’d been hoping to build with him. And she certainly wasn’t going to mention that he hadn’t touched her in over a week. It was just a phase anyway. He was so busy with work and had more important things he needed to take care of. This is what a grown up relationship was like. At least that’s what Hayley kept telling herself.
When Ian mentioned she’d put on weight, Hayley started walking around the city even more. She went down Princes Street, strolled through the parks and lingered to watch people play tennis at The Meadows, wishing it was her and Ian.
In the evenings she usually ate alone and had a glass or two of wine. On a few occasions she drank an entire bottle out of boredom.
One Thursday morning Hayley sifted through the post as she sipped her freshly squeezed orange juice. She came across an envelope from a local firm, McNealy & Partners, and tore it open, her eyes moving swiftly across the page. Barely reading past the first sentence, Hayley’s shoulder sank at the rejection. She’d applied for various jobs in the five weeks since she’d arrived in Edinburgh, certain she’d be snapped up within days. But now her savings were slowly running out and she was fed up with spending time alone with no money and nothing to do. She’d mentioned her frustrations to Ian a week ago, when she’d waited up for him to get back from work.
‘I’ll introduce you to my connections at some point,’ he said. ‘But I’ve been too busy. Actually, I’m thinking of buying a local company but I’m not happy with the terms of the contract. Why don’t you have a look and tell me what you think?’ Then he’d kissed her on the top of the head and gone to the bedroom. By the time she’d slipped between the sheets he was breathing deeply, but Hayley was sure he was awake.
She ripped the letter up into tiny pieces and ate half of her croissant before chucking the rest in the bin. Food was vastly overrated, and he was right, she could stand to lose weight, show him she could be the girlfriend he wanted her to be.
After breakfast, Hayley decided she and Ian needed a romantic night in. Feeling fresh enthusiasm, she went shopping, using their joint housekeeping money to fund the Beef Wellington she’d seen a recipe for. She spent the afternoon making a gratin dauphinois and green beans wrapped in bacon to go with the beef, and a white and dark chocolate mousse for dessert.
As she listened to Mozart’s ‘Piano Concerto No. 24’ – Ian had encouraged her to enjoy classical music – she poured herself a glass of wine, thinking that a little drop of chilled Chardonnay was well deserved, considering the effort she was going to.
She laid the table with Ian’s elegant china, heavy silverware and crystal glasses. As she appraised the results of her domestic goddess skills, she added the finishing touch in the middle of the table; a single red rose in a dainty Waterford vase.
When Ian came home she wished she’d waited for him wearing only heels and a tie like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman – he might have taken notice if she had. Despite trying to engage him in conversation, he answered in monosyllables.
‘What’s wrong?’ she eventually asked him over dessert.
‘Nothing,’ he said as he pushed the chocolate mousse around his plate.
Hayley sighed. ‘Well something’s bothering you.’
He put down his spoon and looked at her. ‘Hayley, this is a bit difficult for me.’
Hayley froze.
Difficult? What’s difficult? Is it bad?
He leaned over and put his hand on hers, then smiled.
No … no of course not. Maybe … maybe he’s going to tell me he loves me. Or …
She could hardly breathe as her heart started pounding and her brain went into overdrive.
She smiled back at him and sat up straight, inwardly practicing the look of astonishment she’d use when he got out a massive diamond ring.
‘Go on, you can tell me,’ she said, picturing herself in a flowing wedding dress with Ian by her side. She’d want a spring or summer wedding. Maybe autumn, but definitely not winter, it would be too cold.
Why did I think it would be bad news? Silly!
He patted her hand and she watched his smile disappear. ‘This isn’t working,’ he said flatly, ripping Hayley out of her fantasy.
‘Wh-what do you mean?’
‘Us. The relationship.’
Hayley drew in a sharp breath. ‘Us? Why?’
‘I’m sorry, but I’m not in love with you.’
She put a hand to her mouth.
Ian sat back in his chair and smoothed down his trousers. ‘You should go back to London. I’ll stay in a hotel over the weekend so you can get yourself organised.’
Hayley finally found her voice. ‘Are you sure? I … I mean … that you don’t love me?’ It sounded pathetic, and she knew it, but she needed something – anything – to stop her from feeling like she was drowning in the quicksands of despair.
‘Yes, I’m sure.’
‘But, but … why?’ Her hands were franticly clutching for the thinnest straw Ian was prepared to extend to her. She couldn’t leave Edinburgh, go back to London with the proverbial tail between her legs. They were in love. It was supposed to be a fairy tale. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘What do you want me to say? This isn’t for me.’
‘What? You couldn’t figure this out before I came here?’
Ian shrugged. ‘I think we needed to live together so I could be sure.’ He held up his hands, palms facing her. ‘Sorry.’
‘Sorry?’ Hayley hissed. ‘How could you do this? I gave up everything for you. Everything.’ She paused. ‘Have … have you met someone …?’
Ian folded his napkin and looked away.
‘When?’ she shouted as she got up. ‘Who is she?’
He exhaled.
‘Tell me.’
He looked at her. ‘A couple of weeks ago, at work.’
The tears came. ‘So that’s where you’ve been every night?’
‘I never made any promises, Hayley. I never committed to anything.’
‘No,’ Hayley said. ‘You bloody sodding fucking well didn’t.’
Holding her head high she stomped into the guest bedroom and slammed the door. Then she fell on the bed, hot and bitter tears streaming down her face, wishing Ian would come into the bedroom to tell her he’d made a mistake, that he’d changed his mind.
For a split-second when Hayley woke up the next morning she thought everything would be okay. She rushed out of the bedroom, hoping to find Ian with a large bunch of flowers and a heartfelt apology. But only a note lay on the kitchen counter. Her hands trembled as she snatched it up, desperate for a miracle.
Hayley,
I’m sorry. Please leave my keys with Mrs. Phillips next door when you return to London.
Ian.
Hayley’s fingers ran over the paper again and again. She felt belittled, betrayed and angry – not just at Ian, but also at herself. Once again she’d let a boyfriend’s actions blindside her. Or was it that she’d been blind? But she loved him, admired him, wanted to be with him.
When she didn’t have any tears left, she picked up the phone and called Ellen, wanting to get the ‘I told you so’ conversation out of the way as quickly as possible.
Ellen listened intently and then said: ‘Get your stuff ready. We’ll come and get you tomorrow and stay the night. So open his best bottle of wine. Make that bottles.’
*
Hayley’s return to London was difficult at first. Before moving to Edinburgh she’d told everybody about her plans and had gushed about how much in love she and Ian were. She hated the pitying looks and whispers behind her back when she bumped into friends.
Shortly after moving back, Hayley spent a week in Kent with Jackie and Ray, grateful for the change of scene and the slower pace the countryside offered.
‘Only four months left to go,’ Jackie said, rubbing her belly as they were out shopping for groceries. ‘Actually, we were wondering if you’d like to be the baby’s godmother.’ She looked at Hayley. ‘What do you think?’
‘Me?’ Hayley said. ‘Are you sure? I’d love to but you’ll have to show me how it works.’
‘It?’ Jackie laughed. ‘What do you mean, it?’
Seeing her sister so blissfully happy opened Hayley’s eyes to the many things Ellen had been trying to tell her about her relationship with Ian. Ray rubbed Jackie’s swollen feet with his bear-sized hands and brought her a cardigan when she was cold. In turn, Jackie made Ray’s lunch, a cheese and onion sandwich, every single morning before they went to work, despite the fact that the smell of the onions almost made her gag.
‘Why didn’t you move back in with Ellen and Mark?’ Jackie said.
Hayley shook her head. ‘They need to live alone. And I haven’t seen Mum and Dad much over the past year or so. Living with them is kind of nice.’
Jackie nodded. ‘We all missed you.’
Hayley looked away. ‘I know,’ she said quietly. ‘I missed you all too.’
A week later Hayley finally summoned up the courage to call Ronald.
‘We’d be delighted to have you back, on one condition,’ he said, after he’d listened to her story.
‘Anything.’
‘You’ll work with me again and concentrate on mergers and acquisitions.’
‘Really?’ Hayley said, smiling.
‘Really. And let me say that Mr. Graham is a complete fool,’ Ronald said. ‘So, can you start on Monday? Or tomorrow?’
The next day Tony popped into her new office. ‘Come here, you.’ He gave her a squeeze. ‘Sorry things didn’t work out with Ian.’
‘Me too,’ Hayley said, willing herself not to cry each time his name came up. ‘I’m just glad Ronald wanted me back. Now all I need is a place to live.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know you were looking.’ Tony rubbed his chin. ‘Do you remember my cousin Gail?’
‘The one who picked you up for lunch once? Looks like Monica from Friends?’
‘Yep, that’s the one. She took a three-month contract in Sweden but now she’s staying there for good. She’s needs someone to take over the lease on her flat.’
‘Really?’ Hayley tried not to read much into the statement but couldn’t stop the excitement that bounced around in her belly. She started to grin.
‘Yeah. It’s on the first floor of a house in Hammersmith, near Yeldham Road. It isn’t very big but I think the rent’s reasonable.’ He looked at her and wrinkled his nose. ‘Nah. Forget it. Doesn’t look like you’re that interested.’ He pretended to leave but she caught the smile on his face.
‘Tony,’ she said, grabbing onto his arm, ‘If you take one more step I’ll staple your tie to my brand new desk.’
She rushed out to see the flat that same day and moved in a week later. Ellen helped her furnish it exactly the way Hayley wanted it; warm and peaceful with cheap, ‘gently used’ pieces and hand-me-downs. She found a squishy red sofa and a bashed-up pine coffee table she swore she’d let everybody put their feet on. When she brought it home she smiled, thinking that Ian wouldn’t be seen dead with something so passé in his sterile living room, nor would he have approved of her buying a PlayStation and Tomb Raider.
The landlord agreed to take up the old, stained carpets and replace them with laminate throughout the flat, and she added a few area rugs for splashes of colour. For her bedroom she purposely bought a new duvet and soft pastel-flowered bedding only she had slept on.
This is my home.
She never brought a man back to her flat because she didn’t want to contaminate it with memories of bad dates. Instead, she had a few choice encounters but always went back to theirs.
Hayley wrote a note that said ‘I will not let myself be hurt again’ and stuck it on her bathroom mirror. It became the mantra she repeated daily and she meant every word.
Sitting at her desk at work on a sunny Friday morning, Hayley smiled. She finally felt back in control, healthy and, despite being alone, much happier than she had in ages. Her phone rang.
‘Hayley Adams.’
‘Hey,’ Ellen said. ‘How are you?’
‘Perfect. Guess what? I realised I haven’t thought about Ian for almost three days. Well, I did just now but that doesn’t count. I think I’m over him.’
‘That’s great, good for you. Still coming over tonight? We’ll celebrate. See you at seven?’
‘Yup. See you.’
The phone rang again as soon as Hayley put it down.
‘Yes, yes, I’ll bring the curry,’ Hayley said, laughing.
‘Curry? Hayley, it’s Ian.’
Hayley’s hand slipped and she almost dropped the phone.
Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water …
‘I know it’s been a while,’ Ian continued. ‘I’m in the city on business. Have lunch with me today?’
Tell him to go fuck himself.
‘That would be nice,’ she answered.
Damn it! You stupid cow.
‘I’ll pick you up at twelve.’ Ian hung up before she could change her mind.
The next two hours were torture. Tony asked her to join a conference call and she couldn’t remember the names of any of the participants, despite being told twice.
Hayley thought about ringing Ellen but figured she’d rush over, tie Hayley to her chair and scratch Ian’s eyes out with a paperclip. Besides, she needed to find out what he wanted. It was lunch. That was all. Lunch.
At ten to twelve Hayley waited outside the building for Ian. She didn’t want to seem overly keen, but the alternative meant setting the Simpson & Partners rumour mills in motion.
As she started wondering if he’d even show up, she spotted him walking towards her, as confident as ever, elegantly clad in one of his tailor-made suits. The foundations of her steely determination to remain aloof started to warp and when Ian kissed Hayley gently on the cheek she felt them collapse altogether.
Don’t you dare let him back in your heart. Don’t … ohhh … crap!
He smiled at her and softly brushed her cheek with his fingers, then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. The gesture immediately resurrected feelings that, only earlier that morning, Hayley had almost been certain were dead and buried.
‘You’re still wearing the earrings I gave you,’ he said, and she nodded, realising that he’d never really left her heart. Not completely.
He took her back to The Ivy but Hayley declined his suggestion of champagne or wine and asked the waiter for sparkling water instead. She’d stopped drinking so much and besides, she couldn’t afford for her head to be anything but clear.
‘So how’s work?’ he said.
‘Very good, actually.’
‘I hear you’ve had quite the promotion. Managing your own mergers. Is that true?’
She frowned. ‘How do you know that?’
Ian smiled. ‘I could use your help with a business proposal another firm put together.’
‘Is that why you called?’ she said. ‘For business?’
He smiled again, sat back in his chair, crossed his legs and adjusted the cuffs of his shirt.
Damn it, he’s still sexy. He’s like a snake charmer. I can’t help myself.
‘Not only … I needed to see you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I needed to know how I feel about you.’ He looked at her.
‘And?’ She held her breath
‘I’ve missed you.’
Hayley had imagined the conversation in her head so many times since they’d split up. The stuff of fairy tales; the man who couldn’t commit realising she was The One after all. She’d had an entire speech planned for this unlikely eventuality, but couldn’t remember a single word. So she sat there for a few seconds, considering her choices.
Option 1: let him carry me off into the sunset. Hope he’s changed.
Option 2: tell him to piss off. Throw my drink at him. Storm out.
She remembered how he’d pushed her aside like a used toothbrush. Twelve months had helped her to gain some perspective but she hadn’t forgotten. Her grip on her glass of water tightened and she let it go before it shattered.
There is an Option 3 …
Before she could stop herself she spoke, her voice husky.
‘Where are you staying?’
‘At the Ritz.’
‘Let’s go.’
Hayley stood up and walked out, with Ian running behind her. They got into a taxi in front of the restaurant.
‘The Ritz please,’ she told the driver.
‘Hayley, what –’
‘Don’t talk, Ian. Don’t say a word.’
As soon as they got to his room she kicked off her shoes. ‘Get a condom,’ she said. Then she pushed him back onto the bed, pulled off his trousers and hoisted up her skirt. He was already hard when she straddled him.
‘You’re not allowed to come, do you hear me?’ she hissed in his ear, slipping him inside her.
‘I’ll do anything you want me to,’ Ian groaned and smiled wryly. ‘You’re the boss.’ He panted as he reached for her breasts.
‘No,’ she said, pushing his hands down to her hips. ‘Not this time.’
She rocked back and forth slowly, taking her time, focusing only on herself. She could feel him watching everything she did and everywhere she touched, and she didn’t care. He may have been a bastard, but when he’d wanted sex he’d been good, and she hadn’t had any for ages. As soon as she climaxed, she moved off him and started straightening out her clothes.
‘Where are you going, babe?’ Ian asked, reaching out for her. ‘It’s my turn.’
‘Back to work. I have a meeting.’
‘Oh,’ he said, his voice tinged with disappointment. ‘But wow, I mean, wow. I’ve never seen you like that before. You were incredible.’
‘I know.’
He looked her up and down. ‘You’re different. Who’s been teaching you new tricks? No – don’t tell me, I’ll want to kill him. Or thank him.’
‘I’m sure.’
‘I knew you’d come back to me, although I thought you’d put up more of a fight.’ He chuckled and lay back on the bed, putting his hands behind his head. ‘I want to see you tonight. You can show me what else you’ve learned. And we’ll discuss the contract clauses you’ll craft for me.’
‘No thanks,’ Hayley said, deadpan.
‘Tomorrow then?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘So when? I want to see you.’
She smiled. ‘Never, Ian.’
‘What do you mean, never?’ He sat up and waved the condom wrapper around. ‘What was this all about then?’
‘I fancied some sex.’ She shrugged as she looked him up and down and he covered his lower body with a sheet. ‘When you called I figured you’d do. But frankly, Ian, you were quite disappointing. Maybe it’s your age?’
‘What, but –’
‘Don’t call me again.’ She turned on her heel and walked out of the hotel room. The look of absolute disbelief on Ian’s face made her grin like crazy all the way back to the office, so she phoned Ellen.
‘You did what?’ she screeched down the phone. ‘I can’t believe it. Girl power!’
Hayley felt like a tornado, or a hurricane. And everybody knew that you shouldn’t get in the way of one of those.
And then the phone rang.
‘Hayley Adams.’
‘Let me see you tonight, Hayley. I can make it interesting for you. Both financially and … otherwise.’
‘Ian …’ she said sweetly.
He paused. ‘Yes?’
‘Go fuck yourself.’