‘Thanks again, Hayley,’ Susan said as they arrived back in front of Matthew’s flat. ‘That was an … interesting class. Especially the Flashdance routine at the end. I’ve never seen you so pumped up. I think you almost killed the three guys in the front row.’
Hayley started to laugh as she closed the car door, waved to Susan and made her way back up to the apartment. Somehow, thankfully, the class routine came to her almost as instinctively as speaking French had, and she’d only ended up on her bum once when she miscalculated a round kick – a move she’d never even heard of before.
After that mishap she’d roped Susan into being her co-instructor at the front of the class. Two people had begged for mercy as they were in the middle of their seventh series of push-ups, and Susan ended up on her knees, breathlessly panting, ‘You’re so bloody fit it’s unreal.’
The rush of exhilaration was something Hayley hadn’t had in years – she felt strong and powerful, as if she could conquer the world. If this was what feeling fit was like, then she wanted to bottle it and take it home with her.
Hayley guzzled three glasses of water and showered again, then relaxed on the sofa. Sunbeams streamed into the quiet flat and slowly crept towards her feet. She stretched out her legs and made bizarre-looking shadow puppets as she wiggled her toes.
Her muscles ached from the work-out, but it felt good and she sank back even further into the cushions and let her mind wander. Being able to sit and think felt a little peculiar. Usually she didn’t have a moment to herself from the time she woke up until she went back to bed.
‘Slow down, Hayley,’ Rick said to her on many occasions. ‘Relax. Have a bath.’ He told her he’d handle the dishwasher, the kids, the paperwork, or whatever she felt couldn’t wait for even a second longer. She didn’t often listen. Accepting help didn’t come easy, and besides, she liked being busy.
Is it really that I like being busy? Or is it that I like feeling needed?
Yet, everything she did seemed to be such an effort+ and, she realised, she was sure Rick knew that was exactly how she felt. After all, she did little to hide her expression. He, on the other hand, seemed to get on with stuff, and hardly every complained. She’d always thought it was because of his lackadaisical approach, but now she wondered if he simply put up and shut up. Besides, didn’t she do enough complaining for the both of them?
Hmmm … Little Miss Downer needs to make an effort and inject a bit more fun …
She and Rick couldn’t afford the exotic holidays she’d seen in the photo albums earlier that day, but they had given her an idea. Her smile turned into a grin as she hunted around the apartment for a pen and paper she could use to jot down ideas for when she got home. Because she was going home. Of course she was. She giggled, ‘Just two more sleeps,’ she said to herself, imitating Millie’s voice. ‘Two more sleeps, Mummy.’
She started writing.
- 1. Build a tent under the dining table and let the kids sleep there.
- 2. Teach the kids how to bake Mum’s chocolate brownies.
- 3. Find our kites and fly them again.
- 4. Watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day.
Her hand hovered over the page for a second.
- 5. Tell Millie and Danny I love them far more often.
She paused again, then added.
And Rick too.
*
The food at Antonio’s tasted as good as Hayley remembered. They both had spinach and goat’s cheese salads as a starter and Matthew chose the saltimbocca for his main course while Hayley had home-made pumpkin ravioli with sage butter.
As they shared a soft and spongy tiramisu, Hayley realised how much she’d enjoyed the evening. The conversation flowed easily and Matthew was polite, interesting and attentive to what she said. She felt a sudden pang of regret but quickly brushed it aside just as he put down his spoon and frowned. He cleared his throat and looked around the room, then cleared his throat again. Hayley remembered what her mum had said about how she still hoped they’d set a date.
‘Hayley, there’s something I need to say.’
Hayley swallowed. She didn’t want to hurt him but what if she said yes and was stuck there. Forever.
‘I think we should … I mean …’ He puffed out his cheeks and Hayley braced herself. ‘Look …’ He sighed. ‘I’ve been offered a job in Uganda.’
‘I’m sorry, Matthew, but I just can’t ma– Wait, what? What did you say?’
‘A job in Uganda. I only found out yesterday. I applied a while back but I never thought I’d get it.’ He smiled and it looked like the uncomfortable love-child of an apologetic grimace and a wince. ‘I’d be building schools and teaching.’ He shifted in his chair and cleared his throat again, avoiding eye contact. ‘When I saw it I thought now or never. They want me to commit for a minimum of two years but, well, us … I mean, we …’ His voice trailed off as he rubbed his forehead.
Hayley sat back in her chair. ‘You should take it.’
‘What? Are you sure?’ Matthew said, his eyes finally meeting hers.
‘Definitely.’
‘What about us? We’ve been engaged forever.’
‘So it seems.’ Hayley smiled.
‘I do love you,’ Matthew said and paused. ‘But you know I still want kids even though I have stupid spunk.’ Shaking his head slightly, he rolled his eyes. ‘But you were crystal clear that you don’t want to adopt and we’re not getting any younger.’ Another pause, longer this time. ‘We could both do with something new, don’t you think?’
She looked at Matthew, took in his beautiful green eyes filled with sadness. He was a good man – a lovely man – but despite everything, they’d held each other back. He deserved better, she realised, not someone who stifled his dreams and ambitions. It was so clear to her, it was practically translucent.
‘I’m so excited for you,’ she said with a grin. ‘It’s fantastic.’
‘You’re not angry?’
She shook her head. ‘Absolutely not. You should follow your dreams.’
‘You could come with me.’
‘I don’t think so.’ She smiled again. ‘But you’ll be brilliant. Here.’ She slipped off the engagement ring and passed it to him.
He shook his head. ‘No,’ he answered as he closed her fingers over the ring in the palm of her hand. ‘It’s been yours for so long. You keep it.’
As Hayley listened to Matthew talk about his exciting adventure, she realised it was technically the second time they were having a very respectable break-up at Antonio’s. ‘Thank you,’ she said.
‘What for?’
‘For giving me a ton of perspective.’
That night they went to bed together and lay there silently, holding hands. Hayley waited until he slept, his breathing slow and steady.
‘Goodbye Matthew. Good luck,’ she whispered as she closed her eyes too.
She was sure about who she’d be seeing next. While she told herself the queasy feeling in her stomach had to be dread, she knew very well it wasn’t. She’d tried not to think about it – about him – all day, had attempted to bring her thoughts back to Rick whenever they’d wandered. But now, lying in the dark room, she couldn’t get his face, or any other part of his body, out of her head.
Sean …
She couldn’t wait.