Hayley heard Matthew humming in the shower as she pressed her ear to the phone.
‘What do you mean, what happened to us?’ asked Ellen. ‘Me and Mark?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why are you doing this, Hayley? You know what happened. I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, I have to go or Mum will be late for class. I’ll call you next week.’
Before Hayley could respond, Ellen hung up and Matthew walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist and another slung around his neck.
‘Ellen?’ he said. Hayley nodded. ‘Did she ask about Neha again?’
‘Yes.’
‘Shit. When is she going to accept he’s moved on?’ He shook his head and started rubbing his hair with the towel. ‘I wish they could have worked things out but I don’t blame him for leaving her. Not after what she did.’
Hayley wondered what she could say to get more information without sounding like an amnesia patient. ‘Do you really think it was that bad?’
Matthew raised his eyebrows. ‘What? Trying to get pregnant with someone else and planning on saying the baby was Mark’s? Yeah, I’d say that’s really bad.’
‘But Ellen would never –’ Then she remembered; a throw-away comment Ellen had made one weekend, a few months before what had turned out to be their last – and successful – round of IVF. Ellen had been at her lowest point and had given up all hope of ever having a child. Mark had organised a karting weekend with Rick and a few other friends, and Ellen and Hayley had stayed with Ellen’s cousin in Cambridge. They were at a pub when Ellen whispered in Hayley’s ear.
‘Don’t look now but a guy by the fireplace, the one with the grey shirt … he keeps looking at me.’
Hayley pretended to dig around in her bag on the floor for something and peered under her arm. ‘He’s lovely,’ she whispered as she sat back up. ‘Actually he looks a lot like Mark.’
Ellen nodded, her eyes downcast. ‘Maybe he could get me pregnant. The timing’s right. Mark would never know.’
‘Don’t be daft!’
Ellen’s eyes welled up. ‘But what if he leaves me because I can’t have a baby?’
She hadn’t meant it, Hayley knew that, it was the booze and desperation talking. But the comment had made Hayley suggest to Rick they offer to pay for a round of IVF.
She didn’t sleep with the guy in the bar. I was there. I know she didn’t.
Matthew had continued talking, ‘… such a waste. I hope you’ve stopped blaming yourself. I know you keep saying if you’d been there it would never have happened but it’s not your fault we had the flu.’
‘But she didn’t get pregnant …’ Hayley said.
‘Well no. But still. I don’t blame Mark for leaving her when she finally told him. Anyway. It’s been three years. She’ll have to get over it at some point.’ He smiled at her. ‘Hungry?’
Right on cue, a loud growl emanated from her stomach.
Matthew laughed. ‘I’ll take that as a yes. Fancy scrambled eggs on toast?’
‘I’ll make some,’ Hayley said, thinking it might bring some normality to the situation.
He rubbed his hands together. ‘Beautiful. Yours are much better. I think we have enough eggs. By the way, your ring’s on the bathroom cabinet. I moved it ‘cos I didn’t want it to disappear down the plughole. Give me a minute to put some clothes on and I’ll lay the table.’
Hayley almost answered that clothes were vastly overrated in her opinion but stopped herself and went to the bathroom instead. She slipped on the engagement ring, admiring the tulip solitaire as she twisted her hand around. She’d forgotten how much she’d liked it. Then she recalled the hurt in Matthew’s eyes when she’d given it back to him.
She briefly wondered where her wedding ring could be as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her shoulder-length hair was cut in a neat bob, and her skin had a healthy glow. Her body felt toned and muscular. She unbuttoned her jeans and peered down her stomach. No C-section scar, not that that meant anything, but the apartment showed no signs of children living in it.
Weird … but we seem happy.
She went back to the kitchen and rustled around in the fridge for eggs, milk and butter, then found a saucepan and started cooking. It surprised her how natural it felt, almost normal in a strange way. She hesitated for a second to find the right words in her mind.
Nice and comfortable.
It was such a contrast to her real life. With Matthew things seemed calm, unflustered – the way they used to be with Rick. But these days the mundane shit had taken up so much space it was overwhelming, stifling them both and gnawing away at their happiness, constantly returning like the tide to the beach.
Matthew came back to the kitchen wearing a pair of faded jeans and a green V-neck, long-sleeved sweater that beautifully contrasted his skin tone. When he walked by her to open the window, she couldn’t help looking at his toned bum, perfectly framed in his jeans.
‘Thanks for cooking, love, I didn’t expect you to,’ he said as he watched her stir the eggs in the frying pan. He laid the table and then slipped his hands around her waist. When he leaned towards her, she instinctively let him kiss her on the lips. She turned away quickly, hardly able to believe what she’d done.
But he’s gorgeous and kind … Why wasn’t there any real oomph between us?
‘Ah, your famous scrambled eggs for lunch, lovely,’ he said, as he started buttering two pieces of whole wheat toast. ‘I’m starving.’
They sat at the table but when she picked up her fork, she noticed the trembling in her hand. She put the fork down, afraid he might see how badly she was shaking.
I can’t be … Not with Matthew, surely?
‘Did I … did I have too much to drink last night?’
Matthew laughed. ‘Neither of us had more than a glass of red. Quite the party animals, aren’t we?’
Hayley attempted a smile. ‘So you don’t think I drink too much then?’ She swallowed.
He popped a forkful of eggs in his mouth. ‘Hardly. That bottle of white’s been in the fridge for two weeks. Wow,’ he licked his lips. ‘These eggs are great. Did you do something different?’
‘Cream cheese,’ she said with a broad smile and dug into her meal.
‘Do you still have work to do this afternoon?’ Matthew said as he finished the last of his toast.
‘Uh-huh.’ Hayley sipped her tea.
‘Charles has really piled on the projects since Ronald died, hasn’t he? I hope you’ll find something else soon. Then you can tell Charles to shove it.’
Hayley’s stomach lurched.
How many times has Rick said that …? Rick …
She’d hardly thought about him all day.
Am I forgetting them already? Breathe. It’s a glimpse. I’ll be home again soon, won’t I?
‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, taking a deep breath. ‘What are you up to today?’
‘Taking Alan clothes shopping. Susan thinks he’ll listen to me but I’m not so sure.’ He smiled. ‘She’s picking you up later, right?’
‘Er, I’m not sure,’ Hayley said as she wondered who Susan was. ‘So how’s Alan?’
‘Great,’ Matthew said. He started clearing the table and gestured for her to stay seated. ‘He wants me to help him choose something for her. I can’t believe it’s their fourth anniversary already.’
Hayley smiled back. Alan was married. ‘You used to worry he wouldn’t find anyone.’
‘I know,’ Matthew said, bending over to stack the dishwasher. ‘But he did, right? Thanks to you he got the perfect job and the perfect girl.’
Hayley tried to force her mind to connect the dots but she didn’t remember helping Alan with his love life or his career. ‘So, uh,’ she said, ‘he’s still enjoying work?’
‘God, I bet he’ll tell me how much he loves the library at least ten times today.’ Matthew laughed. ‘It was so lucky that Ronald’s sister-in-law needed someone, wasn’t it?’
Ohhh, so that’s how I helped him.
She grinned. ‘You always said Alan was born with his nose stuck in a book.’
‘It’s true.’ Matthew smiled as he came over to wipe the table. ‘Although how him and Susan work and live together is a mystery to me.’
Hayley fell silent, thinking about what he’d said. In her ‘real’ life with Rick she’d met Ronald’s sister-in-law after she’d split up with Matthew, and she’d certainly never introduced her to Alan.
It’s a glimpse of something good that could have been. But look at Mark and Ellen …
Hayley watched as Matthew finished clearing up the kitchen, and she thought that he really hadn’t changed much at all.
Why did I leave him in the first place? Oh come on, you know why.
Matthew grabbed his coat, stuffed his keys in the pocket and picked up his wallet. ‘I’d better get going or I’ll be late,’ he said. ‘I should be back at around six or so. Don’t forget we’re going to Antonio’s at seven-thirty.’
‘Antonio’s?’ She hadn’t been since she’d split up with Matthew. It had been their favourite restaurant and it wouldn’t have felt right going there with another man, even with Rick. ‘I haven’t been there in ages.’
‘We were there last month,’ he said with a grin. ‘If that’s ages, then what do you call the amount of time we’ve been together?’
After Matthew left the apartment, Hayley made her way to the bedroom. She could tell that she’d had a hand in the decorating because it wasn’t as sparse and as bachelor-like as when they’d been dating. Back then, Matthew only had a double bed and a wooden crate, which he used as a makeshift bedside table, in the room, but that had all changed.
Now a king-size bed with a white, glossy laminated frame dominated the room. The rich, blue and off-white flowers on the duvet and matching pillow cases were understated yet feminine. A large picture of softly painted blue and purple lilies hung above the bed. The entire room had a distinctly calming quality to it.
She sat on the left-hand side of the bed – the side she’d slept on when they’d dated – and opened the bedside table drawer. She found a copy of Room by Emma Donoghue, cherry lip balm and a packet of tissues. Not dissimilar to her bedside table at home, except she had a packet of condoms there that had lasted her and Rick over a year. Hayley sighed and wondered if her sex life with Matthew was alive and well, or if it had ever become more exciting. Then she rolled over to Matthew’s side and inspected the contents of his bedside table too. It had Nelson Mandela’s biography, a torch and two watches.
Across from the bed was a low, wide cabinet with a flat screen television on it as well as some candles and a brown, wooden jewellery box. A dressing table and a chair were the only other things in the bedroom, and Hayley could easily imagine herself sitting there, getting ready in the morning for work.
I wonder where we got married.
She smiled, surprised by the curiosity that had taken over rather than the desperation to run away in blind panic. In fact, she realised with a big grin as she glanced around the empty flat, she was looking forward to having dinner with him to discover more about their lives together.