It’s over.

Those are the words I’ve been repeating in my head over and over since I left her in bed almost a week ago. It’s Friday night, I’m sitting in a bar with X and Christopher, nursing a drink, counting the seconds until I can get out of here.

The logical thing to do here is get drunk, but I can’t work up the energy for it.

I don’t want to numb the pain. No, I want to drown in it. It’s all I have left of her.

Christopher frowns at me. “Explain one more time.”

“Why?” I shake my head. “It’s over. There’s nothing to do but move forward and focus on moving.”

“But why didn’t you ask her if she’d go with you?”

“I’m not going to ask that of her.” I push my drink away. “I’m not going to ask her to put her career on hold for me. That’s unfair.”

X and Christopher shoot motherly concerned glances at each other.

X scrubs a hand over his jaw. “You could go long distance.”

“We just started dating, how’s that going to work?” I sound sullen and disagreeable, which I am. “Everything is unfair to her. She’s a strong, independent, successful woman. I can’t ask her to put her life on hold for me. I won’t. I care about her too much.”

“Do you have any other fellowship applications out in Chicago?”

“I got the letter from University of Chicago yesterday that they passed.” If I’d gotten it, I would have taken it. Even though Hopkins is the dream for my field, because I want Fleur that much. I dig my thumbs into my gritty eye sockets. “It’s terrible of me, I know that, but I really want this. It’s one of the best programs in the country for my specialty. I mean, you don’t just pass that up. Right?”

They both nod.

They get it. There are certain opportunities in life you don’t pass up and this is one of them. Not when I’ve dedicated all these years of my life to make it happen.

I peer at them. My friends will tell me the truth. “Am I being selfish? What would you do?”

The shoot each other sidelong looks in each other’s direction.

Christopher sighs. “Ash and I would talk about it and work it out.”

I grind my molars at the memory of my last conversation with Fleur. “I did try and talk about it, she asked me if we should end it now or later.”

X takes a sip of beer. “But you didn’t talk about options, you both just kind of gave up.”

“Look, I know her and you don’t. She’s passionate about her work. She can’t practice law in another state. She saw the writing on the wall, just like I did. It’s over. All that’s left to do is move on.”

“All right,” Christopher says, his voice conciliatory.

I jerk out of the chair; standing with such force I knock it over. “I’m out of here.”

More concerned glances but they nod.

X says, “We’re here if you need anything.”

“I won’t.” I turn and walk into the Chicago night.

The only thing I need is Fleur.

And she’s the one thing I can’t have.

---

Not going to lie, this is a special kind of hell.

I’m about as miserable as a person can be and nothing I do seems to help break its cold, cruel hold on me. I’d been terrible company tonight as I’d met Audrey for our Friday night cocktails and happy hour.

I hadn’t wanted to go, but I wasn’t about to break tradition now.

Besides that’s what a best girl friend is for, and she’s done her job well, making all the right sympathetic noises and patting me on the back.

I’d spent a good chunk of the time crying over nachos and taking sips of my lemon drop martini in-between sobbing. I was about as pathetic as a person can be.

I’d finally put her out of her misery and called it a night.

Now I’m back home, licking my wounds and wondering when this is going to get better so I can move on with my life.

I’ve never had a broken heart before. I thought I’d suffered one a few times in high school, once in college, and another in law school, but I see now I’d gotten off easy. That those other broken hearts were mere cracks, and not the chasm that exists in life post Jace.

I’m not sure how one goes about recovering, or how long it takes, but it feels like an eternity.

The buzzer to my apartment rings and my heart leaps.

Please let it be Jace. Please.

I bound up, moving faster than I have in days, pressing the intercom button with a breathless, “Yes?”

The voice that comes back isn’t his, and I deflate. Any last bit of hope I had dies. He’s not going to come to me and promise we’ll work this out. No matter how much I want that to be the case. Although I don’t know how it would work out. I work here. I’m licensed to practice here.

My life is here. I can’t give it up for him. It’s only been a month.

Though the speaker a female voice says, “Fleur, this is Shelly, Jace’s friend, can I come up?”

My first instinct is panic. Did something happen to him? Why else would she be here? Oh god, I hope nothing happened to him. I couldn’t bear that.

Above all else, he needs to be okay.

“Sure.” I let her in and wait to find out what new disaster awaits me.

There’s a soft knock on the door and I open up. The petite blonde stands there with a smile on her face, looking far too pretty and put together for my tastes. In a pair of sweats, an oversized T-shirt, my hair in a messy bun, I can’t help but remember a time when I looked calm and collected.

Being put together seems like a lifetime ago.

She walks in. “Thanks for letting me up.”

“Is everything okay?” I want to cut to the chase because I have to make sure he’s okay before I can even think about relaxing into my misery once again.

She points to the couch. “Mind if I sit? I worked fourteen hours today and I’m dead on my feet.”

“Of course.” I prompt again, “Is everything okay with Jace?”

Casual as can be, she props her elbow on the arm of my sofa. “He’s physically walking around and able-bodied, but I’m not sure I’d say everything is okay.”

“But he’s not hurt?”

“As far as I know, other than sleep deprivation, he’s as healthy as a horse.”

Relief flows through me and I sink down on the cushion next to her. At least nothing terrible happened to him. But if she’s not here for that, then what? I furrow my brow. “I’m not sure why you’re here?”

“Well, in truth, it’s none of my business. All four of those guys would kill me if they knew I was here, but I’m taking matters into my own hands. I heard a retelling of what happened between you and Jace when he told you about the fellowship, and I decided to butt in since he’s obviously an idiot and no one else is up for the challenge.” She waves a hand. “Something about bro code, I don’t know, it’s ridiculous. Real bro code should be about ensuring long-term happiness, don’t you think?”

I literally have no idea what she’s talking about or how it pertains to me, but it seems prudent to agree. I nod. “Sure.”

“Luckily, I’m here to insert myself where I don’t belong and save the day.”

I’d love to believe that, but I am having a hard time right now. Jace’s rejection of me, of our relationship, sits too heavy in my chest. I blow out a breath. “I’m not sure what there is to save. He made himself pretty clear.”

“See, I don’t think he did.” Sally raises her eyes to my ceiling, shaking her head. “Men are pretty much useless when they’re upset and hurting, and based on the story I heard, Jace left some things out. Things I thought you should know and might make a difference.”

“Okay, I’m listening.” I still don’t think it will matter, but I want to hear her out. I’m desperate for any word about him, and I’m not about to send her away. I do attempt to ignore the kernel of hope beating tiny wings in my sternum.

“First, I think you should understand Jace loves you with everything he has. Out of all of us, he’s the most quiet, the most reserved. Of course he’s good looking, but he always seemed, I don’t know…too calm. It’s why he’s good at what he does. He’s got the steadiest of hands and unbelievable patience for the kind of fine, detailed work he performs. Until you, I didn’t know he was capable of being passionate. I didn’t know he could be rattled. You’re good for him, he needs a woman like you.”

I suppose that’s some small comfort. I nod. “Thank you, I appreciate that, but it appears it’s a moot point.”

She puts her head into her palm and looks at me. “Did he explain, about the fellowship? How important it is?”

I shake my head. “He didn’t say much about it. Just that he’d gotten one and that it was out of state. I’m sure it’s important. I get that. Not that he asked, but what I do is important too, I can’t just pick up and leave it. It’s not like being a doctor, I’m only licensed to practice in Illinois.” My throat closes over, but I push the swelling of emotion back down.

She gestures like she’s surrendering to me. “Oh, believe me, I understand. I can relate to your unwavering dedication, I’m intensely driven and ruthless about my career.” She laughs. “Unfortunately, I’m involved with a man that is the same, which is quite annoying when you always want your own way.”

This conversation is like slowly twisting a knife into my stomach. I point out the obvious in hopes that I can end this and send her on her way. “I appreciate you coming, and the insight, but the thing is, Jace didn’t ask me. He didn’t want to discuss options, he was clear that the fellowship effectively ended our relationship.”

She sighs, like she’s totally exasperated. “Oh, I know that’s how he made it sound, that’s exactly why I’m here.”

“I’m afraid I’m lost.”

“It’s not in Jace’s nature to ask you to sacrifice anything for him. In his mind, it’s like anti-feminist somehow even to talk to you about if you’d go with him, or explore options. He can’t bring himself to ask, do you understand?”

“I’m not sure I do.”

She tilts her head, as though thinking in great detail before she speaks. “He didn’t ask because he thinks all the options in front of him require you to sacrifice for him, and he’s not willing to ask that of you. He’s so against it, he won’t even hint for fear you’ll think he’s suggesting his work is more important than yours. So he’s overcompensating by making you believe he’s not even interested in entertaining ideas. That when he goes, that’s the final nail in the coffin.”

My brow furrows as I remember back to our Uber ride together. The argument about him expecting me to change my plans to accommodate him. And there is a point in what I’d said to him that day. I shrug. “Isn’t he kind of right though?”

“I can’t deny it’s a point.” Gaze intent, she zeroes in on me. “Jace is so miserable without you he’s thinking of backing out of the fellowship.”

“Oh.” Surprise and hope flares through me as my heart starts a rapid pounding in my chest. Is it selfish? Yes, but he’d still have opportunity here, unlike myself. “Would that be the worst thing in the world?”

She sighs. “Probably not, he’s going to have a fantastic career no matter where he ends up.”

“And if he stays, he’ll be with me and all of you, and everyone would be happy.” It won’t hurt him, and we could be together and start building a life.

She leans forward, scooting forward on the couch. “Maybe. I can’t believe I’m saying this to a sister, but I want you to tell him to take the fellowship, Fleur.”

It’s like a slap in the face, so much so I quell the desire to jerk back. “I see.” The words are careful and measured.

“No, you don’t.” She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “The fellowship is a year out of your lives, one year.”

“But—”

She cuts me off by raising a hand. “He’ll have a fantastic career either way, yes. That’s true. But there are some opportunities in life you don’t pass up. You’re not in the medical field, so I’ll try and put this into perspective. Johns Hopkins is one of the best hospitals in the country; in addition, it’s one of the top hospitals in Jace’s specialty. It’s the chance to work in his field along some of the best surgeons in the world.”

The significance of what she’s saying begins to dawn on me, and clarity settles in the pit of my belly. This isn’t a normal opportunity.

She continues. “They selected him, out of residents all over the planet. It’s been a dream of his. A dream so special and fragile he never even told anyone he applied for it. He told nobody, not his best friends, not his parents, nobody. Do you see?”

“I do.” How could I not? I know him, how he is. How important it must have been to him to hold it so close.

“He needs to take it, Fleur. I’m not saying your work isn’t as important, because it is. But his work is equally important and I don’t want to see him pass up something so special to him because I love him.” Her expression is imploring, showing me the depths of her feelings for him. “I’m not saying I know what the answer is for you guys, because I don’t. I’m just suggesting you guys stop being afraid of the risk and start thinking outside the box, you know?”

Tears spill down my cheeks and I wipe them away.

She gives me a sympathetic smile. “I know how hard it is, trust me. I went down for Ted kicking and screaming the whole way. Maybe it’s made me sappy, but I can’t believe there’s not a win-win here. If only you guys would get your heads out of your asses and look for it.”