I sip my second caramel frappuccino as I watch people come and go. I’m in a little coffee shop that’s across the street from my new job. The one that I’ll be starting today. I should feel a little guilty for having a second one since the cost is more than I can afford right now. I don’t even want to think about the calories this thing has in it. I’ve convinced myself it’s a small reward, and that hopefully soon I won’t have to think about my bank account. It’s part of the reason I took this job to begin with. It’s the responsible adult thing to do. Even if the job sounds miserable.

I push all those thoughts away and remember that today is the first step in the direction of my new life. A life I’ve been trying to build since I was a little girl and my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Potts told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up, something I’m sure she told all her students, but for me it stuck. I hung on to it like a lifeline, knowing those words could save me from the place where I grew up.

Even at the age of ten I knew I wanted something different. I knew hunger pains from not having any food wasn’t normal. I didn’t want to wear clothes that either didn't fit me right or had stains I couldn't get out no matter how hard I tried. And every time I got called trailer trash, it was a reminder of who I didn’t want to become. That name hung on me until I went into college, then I left it all behind.

But you can’t always escape your past.

I have a drive inside me to prove I’m not like my mama. That I’m something more. I’m not exactly sure what that more is, but my boyfriend Fritz makes me feel like I’m on the right path. If it wasn't for him, I’d have no idea where I would have ended up. He’s helped guide me on a path that will give me a future in which I won’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

I was a little lost at first in college, unsure of what to major in, and without a single friend. I’d gotten a full academic scholarship to College of Charleston, which felt like light years away from my small town in Louisiana. I still remember the day I got the letter in the mail. Not only was I accepted, but all my tuition was covered. I picked up a few Pell Grants to help with the rest, and all I had to do was get on a bus. I knew it was the opportunity of a lifetime, and I couldn’t piss something like that away. It was my chance to finally get out of the trailer park and live my dreams.

It was the happiest day of my life. It was a little bittersweet leaving my mama behind. I knew the travel to get to my school would be too long and too expensive for her to ever try and visit. And honestly, I never really wanted her to. I love her, but really, what child doesn't love their mama? She wasn't the best at being a parent, and most of the time she forgot she was one. When we said goodbye, I think we both knew it was for a lot longer than a few months. The last time I called her I had to say my name to her four times for it to finally click who I was. This was after I called the trailer park and had her phone line turned back on. She was probably shocked to even hear it ring.

If she hadn’t inherited the trailer from my grandma, who died when I was still little, I think she would have been on the streets by now. She wasn't always a terrible mother. She had her moments. Though they may have been few and far between, she had them. She sure didn’t make it easy to love her.

I glance up as the chime over the coffee shop door twinkles. I watch a man in a suit walk in, which seems to be pretty common for this place, though it’s still pretty early. I still haven’t gotten used to how nice everyone dresses in this part of Charleston.

The guy in the suit glances over to me and I notice he’s got bright green eyes. It’s only for a moment, but I see him check me out and my cheeks heat. Then he turns, breaking eye contact with me as he walks over to the counter to order his coffee. My own eyes roam down his body, and then I turn away quickly as I realize I’m staring. What is wrong with me? I have a boyfriend. One I love and have been with for years. Guilt hits me hard.

It’s probably because it’s been forever since I’ve seen Fritz. He graduated a year before me and jumped right into his career. He’s really busy, which I understand, because he’s a Hamilton, after all. His family is well known all through Charleston, and he said it’s expected he’ll carry a heavy workload once school is finished. I’m hopeful now that I’ve taken a job at his art gallery that we’ll get to spend more time together.

I check my watch to be sure I’m not late, and sigh. I’ve still got about thirty minutes before I can walk across the street and start my new job. I take another sip of my coffee and try not to be so nervous as I look out on King Street.

It’s hard, though, when I’m going to work for an art gallery and I know nothing about art. My degree is in business, but it’s my understanding that my job will be managing the back end of things. I think it’s mostly clerical and shipping, but I tried to show some initiative and read up about the art world over the past few weeks. I only had one class my freshman year in college on art history. I think most of it left my brain the moment I got my credit. But I know this was a big step for Fritz, asking me to work for his company, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I want to do my best and make him proud of me.

I definitely won’t confess that art bores the life out of me, because this job will take me in the direction I want. I just hope I don’t make a fool of myself this first week and some of what I learned has managed to stick inside my head. It doesn’t normally take me long to pick up on things, and I want to prove myself. While my boyfriend might have handed me this job, I can do it above and beyond what everyone expects.

Fritz has had a guiding hand in my life over the past few years, and I’m so grateful to him for all he’s done. Almost from the moment I met him my sophomore year, he’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. At first we were friends, which was great because I didn’t have any. I was so focused on studying and my part-time job in the enrollment office at the university that I didn’t have time for anyone. But he came along and changed everything.

Our friendship slowly grew into something more, but over time we fell in love. I didn’t know from the start how well we would fit together, but I was wrong. I’d been so focused on school and I honestly didn’t think he’d ever see me as more than a friend. But one day things changed.

I opened up to him, and I’d never done that with anyone before. He understood what I wanted in life and helped me find a path. He even helped me change my major to something more realistic. I wanted to be a teacher, but he reminded me that I’d likely struggle to make ends meet. And the last thing I wanted was to end up like her. It was hard for me to give up on that dream of teaching, but I knew Fritz was right. I didn’t want to have to struggle my whole life. He also said all I needed was a degree in business and he’d be able to take care of me. That he could offer me a job with his company and we could work together. Everything he said was true, and I’ve been lucky to have him.

The bell over the door chimes again and I glance up, watching the man from earlier leave. I smugly look away, reminding myself Fritz is my everything. It’s been hard with my last year of school and his workload, but I know we’ll get back on track.

Picking up my cell from the table I check over my texts to see if Fritz has sent me anything. It still only shows the one from last night when I asked him if he’d be at the gallery in the morning. I know he owns the place, or maybe his family does. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to be rude. I do know Fritz owns a few businesses, so he can’t be at all of them at once, and I’ll be meeting the woman who runs the gallery this morning.

There was a quick reply and some good luck emojis before he said he was getting back to work. Still, I was hoping I could have talked to him before my first day. He’s busy, and I remind myself to not let it get me down. Fritz isn’t the only boyfriend I’ve ever had, but he’s meant the most to me. Maybe now with me not being in college anymore things can go back to the way they were when we got to spend more time together. I know our relationship can only change for the better. How could it not?

I check my watch and see that I still have twenty minutes until I need to be there, but I’d rather be early than late. Grabbing my now empty cup, I toss it into the trash before heading to the bathroom. I stand at the mirror and take a look at myself to make sure I don’t have anything on me.

I’m wearing a white, button-up, long-sleeved shirt that is tucked into my wide-legged black pants. I paired it with simple black shoes that have a low heel. I want to be able to move around without my feet dying by the end of the day, but still be stylish. There’s a black silk bow at the neck of my shirt and I play with it for a second to make sure it’s perfect. I thought I should wear neutral colors until I see how other people are dressed.

My dark hair is down, falling over one shoulder in long, soft waves. I pull my lip gloss out of my purse and apply a little. I kept my makeup light, too. I knew this was an outfit Fritz would approve of. Simple and doesn’t stand out too much.

He once told me that’s how true southern belles dress and act. After that I’ve always tried to get my loud laugh and southern twang under control. It’s hard, but over the past few years I’ve gotten better at it.

Dropping my lip glass back into my purse, I grab my bag and head out to what I hope is the first day of the rest of my new life.

* * *

I wish there was a way to stop her. To explain all of this to her and to have her understand. My mind is telling me to just take her and worry about the consequences later. But in my heart, I know she’ll hate me if I do. If she found out the truth she’d never trust me and would never be able to forgive me for it. Or maybe she wouldn’t understand, because even I wonder if I’d really only be taking her for myself and not just to keep her safe.

She’s lost in thought as I casually order a coffee and sneak a glance in her direction. She’s facing the gallery across the street and probably contemplating her first day. Is she nervous? Does she have something for lunch?

I curse myself and clench my fists. I can’t allow myself to have these thoughts. I want her, but I can’t have her. All I can do is make sure she’s safe. I know she doesn’t want this job. My girl is always doing what she thinks she should be doing and not what she really wants. I’d let her be whatever she wanted.

When I exit the coffee shop, I pause for just a moment with my hand on the door. It’s only for a second, but I think of what it would be like to sit and have coffee with her. The moment is gone before she can look at me and register it, and I walk out into the sunshine.

It’s a beautiful day, but the only thing I can feel is the hollow space in my chest as I put distance between us, not sure how much longer I’ll be able to last.