Months had passed, it was a new year. It was still depressingly cold outside, and I was still an emotional wreck. On the outside you wouldn’t think so, I went to college, attended my classes, made conversations with other students and teachers. Went out with Elaine and Liv, hung with Ben on the odd occasion, played video games with my brothers on a Sunday, watched movies with mum during the week, but it was a front, I was good at putting on a front. I learned how to be brave when mum got diagnosed with cancer and I was doing the same now.

I realised how pathetic I was. Truly I did.

I was never Kaden’s girlfriend, I didn’t think I was ever his friend. But I felt I lost everything, our childhood years of spending every waking moment with one another, to our teenage years of tormenting one another and to now, now we had nothing, not a friendship, not a relationship and we were not even civil acquaintances.

Things were always good while they lasted, I guessed. At least you had memories, memories were something you could keep, no one could take them away, because they were mine, although I wished I could forget a few things, the hurt and the pain.

Everyone I loved knew something had happened between Kaden and I, because it was non avoidable he still came round my house, though it wasn’t often, not like it used to be, but he was best-friends with my brother, he picked Caleb up a lot, for these so-called meetings they attended, meeting’s that Caleb would never discuss with me and when I asked I was told he was not allowed to disclose information what a bunch of bullshit if you asked me, it wasn’t business about the club, I wasn’t stupid or naïve, I had in my right mind to follow them one day to see what they got up to, but I knew if I ever got caught, I would be in a heap of shit.

When Kaden came to my house, I either left the room or went for a run. Running was the first option I normally took, because it calmed me, calmed me enough to not punch him in the face when he was in the same room as me. He tried to speak to me and told me he was sorry, but I ignored him, blocked him out because I didn’t trust myself to say something I wouldn’t regret.

It was Saturday and Callum and Josh had invited my friends and I, to a party there going to. Of course, I said yes, I needed a little fun in my life and I think I deserved it as well.

The party wasn’t for hours yet, I was meeting Ben at the café I went to with Kaden, how ironic. But I loved it there, I refused to stop going because of Kaden. John and I had become good friends, he enjoyed my company and got on fantastically with my friends, he was a decent man, I liked him a lot.

Mum dropped me off at the café, because she was headed out on a shopping spree with her friend. As soon as I entered the café, I was in Johns embrace, he gave me one of his signature bear cuddles, at least that was what I called them “Eva my girl” he pulled back, smiling wide “Looking lovely as always”

“Thank you,” I blushed. “Ben here yet?”

“Yes dear, he is sitting at your usual table. Your coffee is already there waiting for you.”

“Thanks John,” I grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “What would I do without you?”

“Eva that should surely be the other way around,” he said. “What would I do without you?”

“You’re the loveliest,” I told him. He blushed, I told him I would catch-up with him before I went home.

I slid in the seat opposite Ben. He was busy looking at something on his phone, he didn’t notice me. Tapping him on the hand, I startled him, “Hey,” I laughed. “Didn’t mean to make you jump.”

“See,” he pointed at me. “That right there is why I call you little Eva because, you’re so small and quiet, I didn’t notice you.” 

“I’m not that small,” I pouted, making him laugh.

“You and your self-consciousnesses about your height,” he sighed. “I keep telling you, being small is a good thing. Plus, you may be small, but your fucking feisty.”

“Oh, so now I’ve got anger issues?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Benny,” I laughed. “I’m kidding.”

“I know,” he smiled. “Where’s this party tonight?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, shrugging. “Callum is taking us, so I guess we’ll see when we get there.”

“Yeah,” he said. “You know Eric’s coming along with Elaine don’t you?”

“Really?” I groaned.

“Hey, he’s my mate too.”

“Sorry,” I sighed. “He’s annoying and you admitted that as well.”

“I know,” he agreed. “But I’ll tell him to shut up if he pisses you off.”

“Aw don’t do that,” I told him. “Because I feel bad, when you put it that way. It’s just Elaine and him are so gross together, they can’t stop kissing for one minute” I pulled a disgusted face, “It makes me sick.”

He threw his head back laughing. “Yeah it’s pretty fucking rank, but there new with this whole relationship shit, it’s a phase, they’ll get over it.”

“Putting it like that though, it’s sad,” I said. “They should never get over that phase, maybe less kissing around us though, yeah. But they’re happy, they should stay happy,” I sighed sadly. Ben grabbed my hand, a look of concern was etched on his features. “Are you alright little Eva?”

I squeezed his hand, “I’m fine Benny,” I lied.

We had two cups of coffee and something to eat, a panini, john made the best paninis in the world, I always cleaned my plate when he cooked for me.

Ben dropped me home a couple of hours later and told me he would see me in a little while for the party. To bide my time, I took a nice long hot bubble bath to relax, I so badly needed this.

The party was at full swing. People were scattered everywhere, some played drinking games, some were in the corner lip locked with another person and some were so drunk they could barely stand and to think it was only half past eight.

The party was located at a warehouse on the outskirts of London. When I saw the building itself, I literally thought my brothers were taking me to my death, it wasn’t a place where I would party, that was for sure. But apparently their friend owned the land that we were on. Fuck it, free booze I guessed.

Josh and Callum wandered of as soon as we got here, shit heads, so much for introductions. Myself, Liv and Ben are standing in the centre of what I presumed was a living room, not knowing what to do with ourselves. Elaine and Eric cancelled on us at the last minute deciding they wanted to go to the cinema instead, boring farts. Ben whispered in my ear informing me he would get us all a drink. Grabbing Liv’s hand, I pulled her behind me to an empty corner where a random sofa is placed.

This place was bizarre, when we entered the warehouse, I let my eyes soak up the décor, fairy lights hung from the ceiling, giving the room a warm glow, a bar was located at the far end of the room, not large, but big enough for you to see, small speakers were built into the walls, making me wonder what the music was being played off, because there was no DJ or laptop lying around, cushioned chairs surrounded what I would class as coffee tables, scattered around the room. This place, I would say, was retro, it was the vibe I felt, it was youthful, I kinder liked it. It was nothing like it was on the outside.

I spotted Ben across the room with three drinks in his hand, what off, I didn’t know. He eyes glanced around the room, trying to spot us, I was about to shout him, when his eyes finally found mine, he gave me a broad smile and wandered back on over.

“Here,” he shoved a plastic cup in my hand. “Jack Daniels and coke.”

I smiled, “thanks,” he handed one to Liv, but told her it was Malibu and coke, knowing she was not a fan of Jack Daniels. We sat here for what seemed like hours, we looked awkward and out of place. Truth was we were outsiders, these were my brother’s friends not mine, but I think Josh and Callum invited me to get me out of my depressive slumber, it was a sweet gesture, but next time maybe we should all go to the cinema. I felt terrible, I knew I was being a party pooper for both Liv and Ben. I needed to get myself out of this fog and have some fun.

“Let’s go to the bar,” I suggested. “Get some shots, maybe that will help lighten the mood.”

“Thank god,” Ben breathed his eyes widened dramatically. “I thought you would never ask. I love you little Eva, but I was ready to go home, because no offense I’m bored shitless.” Throwing back the rest of his drink, he squished the plastic cup in his hands threw it on the already littered floor and jumped up, clapped his hands excitedly. “Let’s get this party started!”

“Oh no,” Liv groaned. “Why do I think this is going to go horribly wrong,” we climbed from the sofa, Ben threw his arms over mine and Liv’s shoulder and guided us through the crowd to reach the bar. “Have a little faith in me Livy.”

She elbowed him in the ribs, causing him to cough. “Stop calling me that Arsewipe!”  

I threw my head back laughing, “I think this night is going to be just great.”

We each had two shots of Sambuca, getting a little buzz and took to the dance floor. Skip Marley’s song Lions blared through the speakers and it happened to be one of my favourite songs.

We sang every word at the top of our lungs, Liv and I moved our hips to the beat of the song holding each-other hands. Ben found one of his friends from football and told us he would see us in a bit.

Another one of my favourite songs played through the speakers, don’t leave by Snakehips and MO. Grabbing Liv’s hand excitedly, I span her around, she threw her head back laughing and repeated the movement with me. I closed my eyes and listened intently to the lyrics, my body moved on its own accord to the rhythm, it had a mind of its own.

“It should be illegal for you to dance,” Kaden whispered in my ear. My eyes widened in shock. I noticed Liv walking off with Callum going to the bar. Bitch, she couldn’t leave me here with him.

Sighing in defeat, I turned around to face him. “What are you doing here?”

“Caleb got invited. I tagged along,” he shrugged, sighing. “I didn’t know you would be here ok. If I did I wouldn’t have come.”

“Then why come up to me now?” I placed my hands on my hips. “Why not just avoid me the whole night?”

“Because,” he raked a hand through his hair. “Fuck,” he yelled almost. “I couldn’t stand all the men in here watching you.”

I laughed humourless, “you jealous?”

“Yes,” he said with no hesitation.

“You have no fucking right to be!” I pushed my finger into his chest. “I’m not yours Kaden, I’m not your girlfriend.”

“You don’t think I don’t fucking know that.”

I threw my hands in the air, “I’m getting a drink.” I turned around and warned over my shoulder, “don’t follow me.”

Reaching the bar, Liv gave me a sympathetic look, in return I mustered up a small smile.

“Little sis,” Josh slurred, throwing his arm over my shoulder. “You having a good time?”

“Yep,” I popped the p. “Just great, thanks.”

“Hey w—”

“Leave her alone,” Caleb told him coming to stand on my other side. Josh gave him the finger, laughed loudly then disappeared in the crowd.

“Thanks,” the guy behind the bar handed me my drink, I drowned half the glass and slammed it down. “Why did you let him come Caleb?”

“It’s a party Eva and he’s my best friend. I didn’t know our shit head brothers would bring you along did I?”

“What? So I’m the one who shouldn’t come to parties now?” I grabbed my drink and downed what was left of it. “Typical,” I walked away from the bar shaking my head. Caleb was hot on my heels, turning around to face him, I glared hard. “Please. Leave me the hell alone.”

He threw his hands in the air, “fine. I’ll leave you alone. But, don’t take a drink of anyone and do not wander off outside on your own.”

I laughed loudly, but there was no humour in my laugh. “Whatever Caleb, I’ll be fine. I’m not five years old, but thanks anyway.”

Rolling my eyes. I turned around and broke one of Caleb’s rules. I went outside, because I needed the fresh air.

As soon as the fresh air hits me, my head became dizzy and fuzzy, shit I was tipsy. Steadying myself on my feet, I walked a few feet from the warehouse and sat down on the grass, great it was damp now I was going to have a wet arse, just what I needed.

I looked up at the sky, no cloud coverage in sight, just clear, I was able to see the stars twinkling brightly, scattered all around, it really was beautiful. This was why I loved the country side, there was no city lights, no noise, no pollution, it was quiet, clean and freeing. I inhaled the fresh air and basked in the quietness, which being next to a warehouse I should find it creepy, yet I felt most comfortable.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone Eva.” Kaden said, sitting next to me and swore because the ground was wet, I bit back a laugh, because I was still mad at him.

Leaning my chin on my knees, I sighed loudly, “why are you following me?”

“Because you’re out here on your own,” he told me and leaned back on his elbows. “I couldn’t leave you out here on your own. We don’t have to talk, just let me sit here with you” I nodded in reply. We sat in comfortable silence, I stared out into the dark field, there was no other property around for miles. It was such an odd place to hold a party.

I could feel the warmth of Kaden’s body next to mine, I would give anything just to cuddle up to him right now and enjoy his comfort, but we were not friends. Deciding I couldn’t stand the silence any longer, I told him the truth, I told him what had been on my mind for months, because then maybe, just maybe he would give me answers I deserved.

“I heard you and Caleb you know,” I turned my head looking down at him. He gave me a questioning look. “That day you come to lunch. I went to see mum to ask her something, then when I came out of her room I heard you both, you were arguing,” I told him. “Something about not being able to tell me and putting my life in danger, what does that mean Kaden?” I added “And please don’t lie to me.”

“Shit,” he muttered. “Fuck,” he said louder. “You weren’t supposed to hear, you were meant to be in the kitchen,” climbing from the floor, he started to pace, his hands were in his hair pulling at the strands, clearly frustrated. “If I tell you, I would have to explain from the start,” he shook his head, “you won’t ever look at me the same way once I tell you.”

“Why?” I said. “How could you possibly know that Kaden, you can’t just assume I’m going to react badly,” I told him. “It’s not fair, you should let me think for myself. You haven’t given me that chance yet, you should let me have the chance, do you not think it’s fair I know?” I got up and stood in front of him. “After all my brothers your right-hand man, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is. But fuck, he made that choice to be, I didn’t ask him, he wanted in, this isn’t a life I exactly chose either.”

“What life?” I asked.

“The Mafia Eva. I’m the fucking Mafia.”