Alice’s Tea Cup is supposed to a fanciful, whimsical kind of place.

Actually, the place is called Alice’s Tea Cup Chapter Two, since the original location is downtown. All part of the charm, I suppose.

The tables are set low to the ground, surrounded by uncomfortable-looking stools—except for the coveted corner table.

Of course, my cousins somehow managed to score that spot, creating a boisterous little corner enclave surrounded by paintings of mushrooms, caterpillars, and a spiral-eyed Mad Hatter.

I hear my oldest cousin Katheryn’s brassy voice sailing through the air the moment I step inside.

“So, Lyle’s all like, ‘Uh, I don’t know...’”

“Wait, wait,” Sarah interrupts as I walk to their corner island. “Who the fuck is Lyle?”

“The party planner at the supply store.”

“Lyle? That’s his name?” Sarah laughs.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t be able to make this shit up. Anyway, he’s all like, ‘Duhhhh, I don’t know about that.’”

Jenna’s the first to notice me as I walk towards the table, waving me over with her hand while my other two cousins carry on.

“If that’s what you asked for, he should get it for you!” Sarah shrieks.

“Tell me about it! Then Joseph, my own husband Joseph, backs him up.”

“What? No, he didn’t,” I yell, announcing my presence.

Sarah and Katheryn turn towards me and squeal in delight, waving me over. Jenna slides over, making room for me at the only padded booth in the tea shop.

I’m a little late to the planning party, but it’s not for me anyway. All three of my cousins are pregnant, making them the guests of honor at their three-way baby shower.

I’m just going to be a regular guest. Lucky me.

“Oh, he totally did,” Katheryn responds to my statement. “And I’m just like, ‘You’re my husband, bitch. Back me the fuck up, not this bitch-ass party supply guy.’”

“Damn right. And what did he have to say to that?” I ask, sitting down.

“Oh my god, he was all, ‘That might be reinforcing gender stereotypes―’”

“Oh, god,” Sarah interrupts.

All three of my cousins giggle with derision.

“I know, right?” Katheryn scoffs. “So I tell him, ‘Do you want me to get an abortion? Because if I don’t get a gender reveal cake, and the gender reveal cake that I want, I’m going to the abortionist this afternoon, and I’m sending you the bill!”

I shake my head and cringe at her bad humor.

As my cousins laugh, two waiters show up out of nowhere, carrying a bunch of Mylar balloons shaped like…smiling and frowning babies.

They’re still just planning, but the Alice’s Tea Cup Chapter Two staff knows my cousins so well that they’re getting their own little party today.

“Wait, this isn’t part of your job.” Sarah grins at the waiters.

“Only for today,” the tall, handsome waiter behind me says with a grin while tying balloons to my chair.

“Be careful,” Jenna tells the waiter. “Rose doesn’t have one in the oven—she might float away.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he says before walking away.

Huh. I don’t really know how to take that.

“Don’t worry about him,” Jenna assures me, patting my arm. “He makes a decent chai latte, but he doesn’t have much else going on.”

“Oh no, he doesn’t,” Sarah butts in. “Or at least not upstairs…downstairs, probably.”

“Hmmm. I don’t know about that.” Katheryn grins before taking a sip of her iced coffee.

“Watch it, Kath,” Jenna murmurs.

Katheryn nods with the straw still in her mouth, not letting up until well after she loudly slurps up the last few drops.

“Uh-huh.” With a self-satisfied smile, Katheryn leans happily back into her seat and pats her belly.

“What, you think little Hunter enjoys that?” Jenna asks accusingly.

“First of all,” Katheryn snipes back, “Hunter might be Chantelle. We’ll all have to see the cake before we know that.”

“Well, excuuuse me then.” Jenna rolls her eyes.

Unfortunately, while she looks ready to move past it, there’s no stopping Katheryn when she gets started. “Hold on, Steve Martin, I’m not finished...”

“Uhm, what kind of reference is that?” Sarah interjects, raising her eyebrows. Of course she doesn’t let Kath hog all the attention for long. “How old are you? Should you even be having a baby?”

“Hey, it was Jenna’s reference,” complains Katheryn.

“No, it wasn’t,” Jenna says quietly, giving me a quick, sly Don’t you just love our cousins? smile.

“I’m two years younger than you!” Kath is pointing, and her voice is taking over the whole tea shop. “And besides, I’m allowed up to two hundred milligrams of caffeine a day, and you bet your ass I’m gonna enjoy it.”

“Hope you and Joseph are setting up a Starbucks Fund for little Hunter-or-Chantelle. Kid’s gonna come out addicted!” Satisfied with her sass, Sarah lifts a humongous buttercream-frosted cupcake to her mouth and destroys half of it with a single chomp.

The little exchange all but forgotten at the sight of the cupcake, Katheryn asks, “Hey, are you making Marcos go to that cupcake ATM on the East Side?”

“Oh, hell yeah.” Sarah’s talking with a mouth full of cupcake, looking at the remainder of her treat with insatiable greed. “They’ve got fuckin’ whoopie pies there, too, now.”

“No shit,” Jenna remarks, eyes bulging.

“Yeah!” Sarah downs a gulp of chai latte, readying for her next bite. “I kicked Marcos’ ass out of bed at two a.m. last night to go get me one.”

“Just one?” Kath questions with a knowing smile. I notice she has a buttered scone on her plate.

“Well…he always gets extra.” Sarah’s ecstatically conquering the last of her cupcake without a care in the goddamn world.

“Oof.” Katheryn drops her scone and lifts herself halfway out of her seat. “My damn phone’s vibrating. I’m not used to keeping it in my pocket.” She reaches into her floral print stretch pants.

Wait, what?

Really, that’s what she’s wearing?

What the hell? This is a woman known to spend hours agonizing over which necklace to wear to a casual brunch, and here she is, out in public, and she just looks so...

Comfortable. And carefree. Like her pregnancy actually unburdened her of a lot of needless bullshit and stress while she focuses on what’s really important.

“Ugh, it’s just Joseph again, asking if I want or need anything.” Kath rolls her eyes.

“Want or need?” I ask.

“Yeah, he always specifies both, the old sap. Oh, look, he volunteered to hit up the cupcake ATM, too.”

“You’re making him go, right?” Sarah demands.

“I don’t know, I can’t go too crazy with the refined sugar. Maybe just some pickles, and bacon…and salt and vinegar kettle chips...”

“And lemons!” Sarah screams, prompting me to laugh loudly.

It takes a couple seconds for me to notice my cousins are not laughing with me, and they’re looking at me like I’ve gone batty.

“Lemons?” I ask incredulously to no one in particular. “Since when are you into lemons?”

“Ooh, good call, Sar.” Katheryn’s now typing the shopping list into her phone, ignoring me. “And maybe some dark chocolate with chili powder—not too much sugar in that…and…sent.”

Kath sits back down gracefully, knowing her husband is already on his way to fulfill her list of demands.

“Excuse me, ladies.” The tall waiter materializes from behind me, carrying a large plate. “These are compliments of the management, and I’d like to personally congratulate all of you on your three new bundles of joy.”

All of you.

What am I, invisible?

The tall waiter reaches over me to plunk a plate of chocolate-chocolate chip cookies on the table.

Okay, he’s forgiven.

“Why, thank you,” Jenna says gracefully.

“I’m sure you’ll all make wonderful mothers.” With that, the tall waiter recedes into the background. Katheryn and Sarah can barely hold in their laughter until he’s out of earshot.

“He’s so serious,” squawks Sarah.

“He’s always like that,” Katheryn discloses in a hushed, gossipy tone.

“I thought it was sweet.” My interruption causes my cousins to look at me.

“You just get used to hearing it after a while, Rose,” Jenna offers, shrugging.

Huh. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it gets tiring to hear people congratulate you and compliment you for months on end. I wouldn’t know.

One thing’s for sure, though: I would never get tired of walking around in stretch pants all damn day.

I mean, shit, nobody judges my cousins for it. They’re all wearing fucking stretch pants.

God, that sounds nice.

I can’t be too jealous, though. In any case, the tall waiter’s right―they’ll make wonderful mothers. In Jenna’s case, she’s already a wonderful mother to her son Jayden.

Would I make a wonderful mother? I wonder.

What’s stopping me again?

Oh, right. That whole significant other thing.

“I want a baby.”

My eyes go wide with surprise when I hear the words, even though it’s me saying them. It’s a thought that just came out, all on its own.

I’m not used to my three cousins, all of them my BFFs, silent and staring at me.

The stunned silence stretches out for what feels like forever, but I don’t retract my statement.

As my cousins stare at me, looks of delight dawning on each of their faces―I realize how much I really do want a baby.

The sound that comes next is like a chirpy, manic Greek chorus, with Jenna, Katheryn, and Sarah all shouting in unison.

“OH MY GOD!”

That exultant screech is followed my cousins excitedly trying to talk over each other. After a few seconds, they calm down just enough to yell fragments of advice at me semi-coherently.

Figuring that I might actually learn something from them, who all have at least some experience with pregnancy, I hurriedly dig out a pen and a small notepad I always carry with me.

“Hold on, let me try to get this all down.” This silences the three for a second, and I find a fresh page and ready my pen at the top line. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“We can totally find you someone,” Jenna bellows.

“Uh, not really something I can write down, but, thanks?”

“The guy that cleans our pool—Jack.” I see a familiar, dreamy look in Katheryn’s eyes. “I could hook you up with him. He’s hot!”

“Ten inches,” Sarah says pointedly.

“What?” Okay, this is getting crazy. Are they actually giving me pointers on that?

“Whoever it is, make sure he’s well-hung.” Sarah points at my notepad. “Write this down: he must have a ten-inch dick, at least.”

Oh, well. I do as she says, scribbling frantically, unwilling to incite the wrath of a pregnant woman.

“And he must be six feet―no, cross that out―over six feet tall,” Katheryn adds.

“If you’re going to have a baby, you’re going to need money―lots of it,” Katheryn pipes up while I’m still scrawling down the height requirements. “Whoever it is, make sure he’s loaded with tons―and I mean tons of cash. Don’t settle for anything less.”

“And he better be sexy as hell, don’t forget that,” Katheryn adds excitedly.

“Oh, and with a really nice apartment,” states Jenna.

I compile the list as my cousins dictate requirements, drawing empty checkboxes next to each item.

Well…this is totally unconventional advice about having a baby. I mean I wasn’t exactly thinking along the lines of how…tall my sperm donor should be, but now that I’m getting their advice…it doesn’t sound half bad.

Having a baby with someone who can tick off each of these checkboxes is sounding like a very nice idea indeed.

I don’t know who that could be, or if he even exists, but as the list grows, I’m getting more and more eager to find out.