The College Years
Teagan
Sitting on the beach by Raven’s Peak, I looked toward the horizon, excitement and sadness battling inside me. I had been accepted to Boston University. I was able to go, thanks to money from my parents that I’d gained access to when I’d turned eighteen, and so my excitement. The sadness came from the thought of leaving Kane. We had discussed him coming with me to Boston, and he still wanted to, but he was currently working on a boat at the boatyard that he wanted to see finished. He also wanted to wait until the fire department found his replacement. Our town didn’t see many fires, but the force was small, and he didn’t like leaving them high and dry.
This meant that I was going to be heading off without him. In the nine years that I had lived at Raven’s Peak, Kane had never been far away. He was more than my boyfriend; he was my best friend. With him, I felt stronger and more confident.
I couldn’t lie, I was looking forward to returning to Boston and attending the school where my parents had met, ready to take that next step in my life. I just wished I could take that step with Kane at my side. And there was another thought that had started to fester. What if we were only as close as we were because of convenience? We had both been orphaned: scared and lonely. What if during our separation he realized that it wasn’t so much me but the proximity of me that he liked? I decided never to mention it to him, but that negative thought lingered in the back of my mind.
I knew Kane was near before he even sat down.
“Thought I’d find you out here,” he said. “Nice sweatshirt.”
I was wearing my mom’s Boston U sweatshirt.
“You all packed?” he asked.
“Yep.”
Sensing my turmoil, he lifted my chin to meet his gaze. “What’s wrong?”
“You are going to come, right?”
“Yes.”
“I mean it, Kane, you’re not going to change your mind, are you?”
“Where’s this coming from? I love you, Tea. I want to be with you, but I’ve got to finish what I started here before I can do that. Six months, that’s all I need, and then I’ll be crashing in your dorm and eating all of your takeout.”
“Clown.” But there was a part of me that didn’t understand why he hadn’t already finished up with the boat and arranged for his replacement at the fire department. It wasn’t as if my move had been sprung on him; he’d known it was coming for a while, years, in fact. This negative thought also lingered, and I was worried that he was having second thoughts, especially considering how adamant he had been just a few years before about jobs and schools being plenty but there being only one me.
“Seriously, before you know it, I’ll be there, waiting for you every night after class.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I might even cook you dinner if you play your cards right.”
“I’m going to miss you.”
“We’ll talk every night.”
“Okay.”
“Six months, Tea, and then you won’t be able to get rid of me.”
Resting my head on his shoulder, my gaze drifted back to the horizon. “Never. I would never want to get rid of you.”
“Good, since I would never have allowed it.” And then he changed the subject. “You’re excited.”
He wasn’t asking. “I’m nervous, but I am excited and not just for the education but for the whole experience. I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life, so getting out and being on my own, despite how much I hate that you aren’t coming with me now, I want that. I want to know I can make it on my own. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.”
“My parents often talked about college and how much it helped form the people they became. They took me once to one of their reunions; I was only five, but I remember the day so vividly. I feel like I’ll be able to connect with them again, walking the same campus they did, eating in the same dining halls, being in the place that meant so much to both of them.”
“They’d be proud of you,” he said softly.
“Thank you for saying that. I think they would be too. Do you regret your decision to not go away to college?”
“No. I got two more years with you.”
Happiness burned through me in response, and then he added, “But maybe watching you, I’ll be inspired to give college a try.”
“It’d be nice to go through the experience together,” I said softly.
“We’ll still be together, Tea, regardless.”
I liked that answer.
His arm slipped around my waist, and for a good long time we just sat there, content in our silence.
Kane climbed from my bed the following morning and grabbed his boxer briefs. He slept in my room every night now, ever since that day a year ago when we’d made love. He waited until everyone was asleep before he snuck in and crawled into bed with me. I loved having him next to me, his body pressed against mine. Feeling him slide into me, moving against me, kissing and touching me. I couldn’t get enough of him, would never have my fill.
“Hurry up. Mr. Clancy will be up any minute to get my bags,” I tried to say, but I was laughing too hard watching Kane hopping on one foot trying to pull up his shorts. “You really should just walk around naked, it’s a good look for you.”
“You’re ridiculous. Only you get to see this.”
“I so don’t have a problem with that.”
“What time is your flight?”
“Two.”
“All right, I’ll be back in about an hour and I’ll take you.”
He wrapped my face in his hands and kissed me long and hard. “One hour.”
“I’ll be ready.”
My bags were on the driveway an hour later, and I was sitting on the front step. Shopping for college had been an experience. Mrs. Marks had been on a mission, and it had felt nice bonding with her over even something as small as bedspreads for my dorm room. She was proud of me, I could see it in her expression. She wouldn’t let me pay for anything either, even though I had the money from my parents. I had the sense that there was more to the moment than just me going off to school, as if something in her own past fueled her exuberance now.
“You have your phone and computer?” Mrs. Marks asked.
“Yes.”
“Your checkbook and credit card?”
“Yes.”
“Remember to call as soon as you get there.”
“I will.”
“Enjoy yourself. I know you’ll work hard, you always do, but enjoy yourself too.” Her tone turned serious. “I know about you and Kane. I think we all knew where you were both heading. But while you are separated for the next few months, have fun. Live the college experience, because it only happens once.”
“We wondered if you knew. We weren’t sure how to broach the subject.”
“The same for me. I suspected early on that you two were going to develop an attachment. Had you been younger when your relationship changed, I would have said something, but you were on the cusp of eighteen. You’ve known each other since you were nine and eleven—I think you both knew what you wanted and what you were doing. But with that being said, this time apart will be good for both of you. You’ve only ever known each other, and forever is a long time. Take this opportunity to make sure of your feelings.”
Dread moved through me at her words. Was she encouraging me to date? Did she not appreciate just how much Kane meant to me? Or did she know something about Kane that I didn’t? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to hear her answer.
Mrs. T chimed in, thankfully changing the subject. “I’ve packed a few slices of cake in your bag.” I loved her cakes almost as much as Kane did.
“Thank you for your contribution to the freshman fifteen.”
“I do what I can,” she said with a smile.
Kane’s car pulled up the drive. He hopped out all smiles. “You ready?”
Just looking at him, I knew I had no doubts about my feelings. I didn’t need to play the field, I had the one I wanted. And I hoped, truly hoped, he did too. “Yep.”
Mr. Clancy helped Kane load the car while I said my good-byes. Mrs. T hugged me hard and slipped me two hundred bucks. “Emergency fund.”
The memory of my first day at Raven’s Peak flashed in my mind, and how my eyes had burned with fear. And now they were burning because I was leaving the place that really had become my home.
“It’s only four years, and then you’ll be back. Besides, there are holidays. We’ll see you in November.”
“I know. I don’t know why I’m being so sentimental.”
“It’s a big step. You’re entitled. Be safe, Teagan.”
Mrs. Marks was next, kissing me on each cheek and taking a moment to just stare. “I remember the scared little girl who appeared that first night . . . and now look at you, a confident young woman heading off to college. I’m really proud of you.”
I was about to cry, so I quickly hugged her and kissed her cheek. Mr. Clancy was holding the car door for me, and I pecked him on the cheek, which earned me a smile, before I climbed in.
Kane turned the car around and, as we started down the drive, I looked back at the three of them all waving me off. I waved until I couldn’t see them anymore, and when I turned forward, my cheeks felt damp.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I guess I’m just realizing that they really are our family. We’re lucky, Kane. Our lives could have turned out so very differently.”
“I know. We’re an odd group, but we work.”
“Yes, we do.”
“Classes start on Monday?”
“Yeah, new student orientation is this weekend.”
“You and your roommate are going to do that together, right?”
“Yeah. She seems nice, at least on the phone. I would rather have you as my roommate.”
“Next year, apartment off campus, you and me.”
“Promise?”
“I’ll do one better.” He pulled the car over and shut down the engine before climbing out without saying another word. He came around to my side as I stepped out of the car.
“What are you doing?”
He dropped to one knee and my heart moved up into my throat.
“I love you, Tea. I want my life with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning and go to sleep next to you every night. Marry me.”
My yes came out as a sob, a happy sob—he felt the impending distance too. With his proposal, my lingering worries faded.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a little black box. Inside was a diamond ring, the small brilliant-cut solitaire framed in white gold. “It’s not as big as I would have liked, but I’ll upgrade it when I’m making more money.”
“No! It’s perfect.”
He grinned and slipped it onto my finger. “You’re stuck with me now.”
Dropping to my knees, I threw my arms around him and held on tight. “Exactly where I want to be.”
Kane got me to the airport just in time. We said our farewells at the security checkpoint. “Call as soon as you get to your room.”
“I will.”
“Have fun, Tea. This is a big deal, and you’ve worked hard for it.”
“And you put in double time so you cut the six months to three.”
“Deal.” He wrapped my face in his hands, his thumbs brushing my cheekbones, while we looked our fill. Our good-bye kiss was just a brushing of our lips, and still my entire body sighed. Reaching for my bag, he handed it to me. “See you in November.” He lifted my hand and kissed the ring.
“Love you.” My feet felt like lead as I walked away from him, staring back over my shoulder at the sight of him standing there, hands in his pockets, and a small smile on his face. The image burned into my memory. My fiancé. Thanksgiving was in three months; that wasn’t so long a wait.
New student orientation was surprisingly fun. My roommate, Eleanor, was as sweet in person as she had been over the phone. She was also very shy, so it took a bit to get her to talk in the beginning. But after the first few hours together, she warmed up to me—even going so far as to initiate conversation. Our first weekend was packed with activities, learning the campus, getting introduced to the school’s organizations, learning how to use our meal cards, and meeting our advisors. It was during lunch that first day that I met Simon Dale.
The dining hall made the most amazing chocolate chip cookies. I wasn’t the only one to think so, since the platter emptied quickly. There was only one cookie left, and just as I stepped up to it, a large hand reached over me and grabbed it.
“Hey,” I said, turning to see a boy standing there holding my cookie. He grinned. He actually grinned at me. He had a Mediterranean look: golden-brown skin, hair on the long side and so dark a brown it looked almost black, which matched his eye color perfectly. Standing several inches over six feet, he was all muscle. He was undeniably hot, and yet there wasn’t even a spark of interest in me, only irritation.
“That’s mine,” I whined.
“I got it first.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep, they’re that good, but I’m willing to share.” Aside from Kane, I didn’t have a lot of experience with guys, so I was surprised at how comfortable I felt talking to this guy. Comfortable enough to even tease him despite his imposing stature.
“How magnanimous of you.”
He broke the cookie in half, but before he handed it to me, he said, “I’m Simon Dale.”
“Teagan Harper.”
“You from Boston?” he asked.
“Maine. What about you?”
“Beacon Hill. I’m pretty sure one of the standard questions we’re suppose to ask is, what’s your major?”
I couldn’t count how many people had asked me that. “Undecided. You?”
“Art history.”
“Really? That actually sounds kind of cool. Are you interested in working in a museum?”
“I’m not sure, but I love art in all forms and the history behind it.”
“It must be nice to have a general idea of what you want to do. I’m so not there yet.” An odd look swept his expression, so I asked, “What’s that look for?”
He kind of snorted in reply. “It’d be even nicer if my parents would get on board with it.”
“So their aspirations for you don’t include the study of art?”
“Far from it. They want me to major in political science for my future career in politics, but I have no interest.”
“Do you think they’ll eventually come around?”
“Yeah, eventually. But I could do without all the drama now.”
It had been years since the thought of my parents had brought me pain, but I couldn’t deny being at Boston U had pulled those feelings close to the surface. If I had the chance to see them again, I’d welcome conflict, even an argument, over my choice of major.
Not knowing where my thoughts were, Simon asked, “What about you? Are your parents pushing a major on you?”
The pain was no longer under the surface, but right there and clearly very easy to see—Simon’s smile faded. “Did I say something wrong?”
“My parents died when I was nine.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. It was so long ago. I’m feeling a little more tender than normal because they both attended this school.” Just as I’d hoped, walking in their footsteps really did make me feel connected to them, but it was heartbreaking too. I wasn’t living in one of the dorms they’d once called home, but I passed by them. In my head, I could see my parents walking up the steps, loaded down with books, so young and eager. The reality that they were both gone only fourteen years after they graduated broke my heart every time I allowed myself to think about it.
“Carrying on the tradition, that’s cool.”
I hadn’t really thought of it as carrying on the tradition, but I guess I kind of was—and he was right, it was cool. And then Simon reached for my hand and squeezed it very gently. He said nothing, but I could tell he knew where my thoughts were and was offering silent comfort. The gesture was one that Kane would have done, and in that moment I missed him terribly.
“Did you leave a boyfriend behind? Because that looks like an engagement ring,” he said as his focus shifted to my finger.
I missed Kane, but thinking about him always warmed me, and this time I felt it on my cheeks. “I did. He’s moving here in a few months after he ties up some things he’s working on.”
“How long have you been engaged?”
“He proposed on the way to the airport, so only a day, but I’ve known him since I was nine.”
“Since you were nine? I’m guessing you’ve got a good story to tell.”
He wasn’t wrong; the story of Kane and me, though unfinished, was pretty freaking great. “I do.”
“I love a good story. Let’s get some coffee and you can tell me all about this guy so I can live vicariously through you.”
It was the way he emphasized this guy that clued me in that Simon was gay. Though, in fairness, I’d already suspected it.
“What’s this guy’s name?”
“Kane, but surely you aren’t serious about hearing our story. It’d bore you.”
“Is it love?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I won’t get bored. Besides, isn’t that what today is all about? Making friends. I don’t know about you, but I think it’ll be more fun experiencing all this with a friend.”
Teasing him again, I asked, “You want to be my friend?”
“We both share a love for the chocolate chip cookie. Friendships have been built on far less.”
Simon was a bit goofy, and yet he reminded me a lot of Kane. “I agree.”
He reached for my elbow and started guiding me to the counter for our coffee. “Excellent. Coffee first and then the story. I want to hear all about this Kane.”
After orientation, Simon and I began to hang out regularly. It started with meals in the dining hall, but it didn’t take long before we found ourselves in each other’s room: studying, watching television, or just talking. We even hit a few parties, though neither of us were really that into it.
A couple of weeks after orientation, Simon appeared at my door, but it wasn’t for our standard meal breaks. His normally sunny personality was replaced with a look of dejection.
“Simon, what’s wrong?”
“I told my parents I was gay. They didn’t take it well.”
Reaching for his hand, I drew him into my room, where we settled on my bed. Eleanor was at a study session, so we had privacy. “I thought they already knew.”
“So did I. I mean, I never confirmed it, but I thought it was pretty clear.”
“So what happened?”
“My mom was mentioning a girl I grew up with, they often do that, and I’d had enough with what I thought were their passive-aggressive feelings toward my sexual preference. But apparently they didn’t have a clue. My mom cried and my dad . . . he couldn’t even speak.”
“And I’m guessing you weren’t expecting that response from them.”
“No. They’ve always been very supportive, if demanding, but I never thought they’d have an objection to me being gay. They love me, so it shouldn’t matter. Should it?”
“Of course it shouldn’t matter.”
“What if they can’t get over it?”
“There’s nothing to get over. Being gay is who you are and your parents love you. They’ll eventually come around.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Me too.”
Four weeks. Three full weekends. That’s how long it’d been since I’d left Raven’s Peak, since I’d left Kane. Eleanor, being a Bostonian, went home every weekend. I missed Kane something fierce, despite having to work so hard for my classes. We talked every night, and I told him he should come down for a weekend, because we’d have the room all to ourselves. Blue Hill was far, so I didn’t think he’d be able to visit, but how I wished he would.
Friday night and the whole weekend stretched ahead of me, most of it to be spent studying. Simon had gone home to some family function, so I wouldn’t even see him for our normal meal breaks. His parents had apologized, but things were still a bit awkward. It was partly why Simon went home, an attempt to show his parents that he was still Simon regardless of his sexual orientation.
Sitting on my bed, dressed in one of Kane’s tees, I pulled my knees up and rested my cheek on them. I didn’t know how I would manage being away from Kane for five more months. At least it was only five months and not the full four years. I’d never make four years. It wasn’t even because I missed the sex and the kissing—which I did—I just missed him.
Thinking about him prompted me to call, but disappointment filled me when his phone went to voice mail. I had a test on Tuesday, so I might as well start studying. I grabbed my backpack and unloaded my books on my bed and got lost in work.
A knock at my door pulled me from my reading—the clock read almost ten p.m. I hadn’t realized how long I’d been at it, but I’d gotten a lot done. Dropping my book on my bed, I walked to the door and pulled it open. It took me a beat or two to react, since I wasn’t sure that what I was seeing was real. Kane stood there with a bag over his shoulder and a grin on his face.
“Hey, Tea. Surprise!”
I threw myself into his arms. His bag dropped to the floor, his arms wrapped around me, and he held me so close. “I’ve missed you,” he whispered into my hair.
“I’ve missed you more.”
“Maybe we should do this inside,” he said, then added, “because I want to make love to you and I don’t think you want your dorm mates to see what a fine specimen of a man you’ve got yourself.”
I stepped back. “You’re a clown. How did you get in?”
“Charmed one of the girls as she was leaving.” With a wicked look, he reached for his bag and followed me into my room. The door had only just closed when I heard the lock, and then his mouth was covering mine. Our lips molded, my tongue pushing between his lips, and his hands roamed over my back and down to my ass while we moved toward my bed.
Pressing hot kisses down my neck and shoulder, his fingers gripped my shirt and lifted it over my head. “I like that you’re wearing my shirt.”
“I sleep in it,” I managed before his tongue was in my mouth, his hands on my breasts, the ache between my legs accompanied by a wetness.
At my bed, Kane stepped back, eyeing me from head to toe, as I stood there in only a pair of pink panties.
“God, I’ve missed you. You’re going to want to clear your bed off because in another minute, I’m knocking everything on the floor.”
Bed? So lost in him, I’d completely forgotten that all of my homework was spread out on my bed. With one sweep, I knocked everything to the floor before jumping into the middle of the bed, lying down on my back and resting on my elbows with my knees up and legs slightly spread.
His laugh rang around the room.
“You’re wearing too many clothes, Kane.”
“Noted.” He watched me as he stepped out of his jeans and yanked his shirt forward over his head. Naked and aroused, he was beautiful.
Climbing onto the bed, he settled between my legs, his mouth meeting mine. My arms wrapped around his neck, his weight pushed us deeper into the mattress. “Kane, the condom.”
He pulled his mouth from mine, chuckling as he looked down at me. “Impatient?”
“It’s been too long.”
His gaze sizzled. “Agreed.” He climbed from the bed, grabbed his jeans, and pulled out several condoms from his front pocket.
“Optimistic.”
“Determined is a better word,” he said as he joined me on the bed and handed me the condom. I loved slipping the condom onto him, loved feeling how hard he was and knowing it was because of me. Gently pushing me flat against the mattress, he settled himself right where we both needed him.
“Next time, we’ll go more slowly,” he promised, and then he was filling me, my hips lifting, my back arching, and everything in me sighing at being connected to him again.
“Missed this,” he whispered.
“Me too. Now move.”
But I didn’t need to say that, he already was. Oh, did I miss this.
It was close to two in the morning when we finally settled in for sleep. Tucked up against Kane’s side, his fingers running patterns over my bare belly, he asked, “You okay with me just showing up?”
Shifting so I could see him, I gave him my best “duh” face. “Yes.”
His lips turned up on the one side but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I didn’t want to intrude, but I needed to see you.”
“You could never intrude. I called you earlier, wanted to ask you to come for the weekend.”
His eyes lit with his smile this time. “Really?”
“Why would you doubt it, Kane? I love you. I miss you like hell.”
“It’s just that you’re here, with so much to do and see. I’m just the guy you left at home. Maybe I can’t compete with that.”
Sitting up, I stared at him like his head was spinning in circles. “Compete? So if it had been you who went away, I should be concerned that you would move on?”
“No!”
“That’s how I feel.”
“I needed to hear that.” He reached for my finger where the diamond winked up at him.
“I never take it off.”
He pressed a kiss on it, his gaze meeting mine. “Five months.”
“I’m counting the days.”
“Eight weeks until Thanksgiving,” he added.
“We’ll get a long weekend; I can’t wait.”
“That makes two of us. I think we might actually have a dinner guest this year.”
“Really? Who?” In all the years that I lived at Raven’s Peak, it was only ever the five of us.
“Mrs. T’s grandniece. She’s attending the University of Maine at Farmington, and she’s been coming to Raven’s Peak for the weekends to spend time with Mrs. T.”
A coldness swept through. Stupid, probably, but I didn’t like that someone had taken my place, even if it was just for the weekends. Did Kane treat her like he treated me? Did they spend time together too? The idea sent jealousy burning through me.
“You okay, Tea?”
I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to get into that now, so I lied, my first ever lie to him. “I’m great.”
Thanksgiving loomed. Midterms were kicking my ass. I had a D in my econ class; I needed the extra study sessions the professor was offering. I had become so consumed with studying that I had started missing Kane’s phone calls, either losing track of time or falling asleep waiting for him to call. I hated missing his calls, looked forward to them all day. Usually when I missed him, I called the next morning to apologize, but he never answered. I didn’t know if he was busy or if he was punishing me because I hadn’t answered.
I needed to tell Mrs. Marks I wouldn’t be coming home the following week for the holiday, so I made that call first; it was the easier of the two. She answered on the second ring. “Teagan, I was just thinking about you. When is your flight?”
My throat actually hurt from the tears that wanted to fall. “I’m not going to make it home. My professor is offering an extra study session on the Friday after Thanksgiving, and I really need to go.”
“Oh. Are you sure you can’t just come for the day?”
I could. I’d thought about it, but I knew if I went for just the day, I wouldn’t want to come back. I’d blow off the study session, and I couldn’t afford to do that. “I really want to be with you, but I know myself well enough that if I come home, I won’t come back for the session.”
“Have you told Kane?”
“He’s my next call.”
“We’ll miss you. What will you do about eating?”
“One of the dining halls is staying open for the students, mostly foreign, who aren’t going home. They’re even making turkey and all the trimmings.”
“Well, at least there’s that. How are you?”
“I’m good. I really love it here and, once I get my grade up, I’ll be even better.”
There was silence on the line for a beat before she said, “I know how much you want to come home, but you’re taking responsibility for your schooling, and, as much as I hate to say it, that is the right priority at this point in your life.”
“I hope Kane feels the same.”
“He’ll be upset, Teagan, but he’ll understand.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Mrs. Marks.”
“Happy Thanksgiving to you. Don’t work too hard and make sure you take a break and eat some turkey on Thursday.”
“I will.”
I dreaded making the next call. My hope was that Kane would come to Boston, and we could have a dining hall–style Thanksgiving together and then spend the rest of the weekend in my room. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. I settled back on my bed and called him.
“Hey, Tea. What time’s your flight?” My heart twisted in my chest; he sounded so excited. I didn’t immediately answer. “You’re not coming home.”
“I’m sorry. I want to come home, but I got a D on my midterm. I have to attend the study sessions over the break or I’m going to fail. Is there any chance you can come here?”
“Mrs. Marks has been preparing for your return for weeks. You know how she is about the holidays.”
“Please don’t make me feel worse than I already do.”
Frustration and a little contrition came across the line. “I’m sorry, it’s been seven weeks since I’ve seen you. I’m going crazy.”
“I am too, but Christmas is right around the corner, and I’ll be home for a month. I was thinking of inviting my friend Simon home for part of it. Do you think Mrs. Marks would be okay with that?”
Silence.
“Simon’s gay, so whatever you’re thinking, please don’t. He knows all about you.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine with him coming here.”
“Are you?”
“He’s your friend.”
“Kane, what are you thinking?”
“Nothing.”
“Please, I’ve known you since you were eleven, so stop bullshitting me.”
“I’m jealous. Is that what you want to hear? I’m jealous. The fact that your friend is gay is of no importance. He gets to see you when I don’t.”
“In under three months, that’s going to change.”
“I know, but I can’t help it. I’ve only ever been completely truthful with you, so why deny what I’m feeling,” he added.
“That’s fair.”
“I’ll let Mrs. Marks know it will only be five for Thanksgiving this year.”
“I already spoke to Mrs. Marks. Five, you mean four?”
“No. Doreen, Mrs. T’s grandniece, is joining us. I told you about her.”
Now I hated it even more that I wasn’t going home.
“Tea?”
“I’m jealous of Doreen.”
“Why?”
“For the same reason you’re jealous of Simon. Is she pretty?”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Tea, you’re being silly.”
“Is she gay?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
Definitely wished I were going home.
“You sure you can’t come here?” I asked. It may have sounded more like a plea.
“I already promised I’d show Doreen around—the happening spots. I thought we’d be doing that together.”
So not only was Doreen going to be there, she was going to be spending quality alone time with my fiancé. I felt ill, but I couldn’t change my mind; I had to get my grade up, and if I went home now, it would be obvious to Kane that I was only going home because I was jealous. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
“Miss you, Tea.”
And even drowning in jealousy, I couldn’t deny that I missed him too. “Miss you.”
Thanksgiving came and went. I had called home and spoken to everyone on the actual day, Kane detailing the scents coming from the kitchen to rub it in. He sounded happy, which I thought was surprising with how upset he’d seemed about me not coming home. I tried not to think about why he’d be happy, namely by spending time with Doreen, but I did anyway. A pain had started in my stomach, an ulcer most likely, and I called it Doreen.
After my study session on Friday, Kane and I talked, but I hadn’t heard from him since. Each day that went by without word, the more worried I got. He’d had a long weekend with Doreen, and now he wasn’t calling me. It seemed like a reasonable jump to believe he wasn’t calling because he was spending time with her. There weren’t words to describe the sensation that moved through me when I thought about Kane moving on with someone else.
As the days turned into weeks, I began to get scared that it was something more, that something bad had happened. I couldn’t get through to him or anyone at the house, which never happened. Focusing on anything at school was impossible, so I made arrangements with my professors and headed home using the open-ended tickets Mrs. Marks had purchased for me to use at Thanksgiving.
As soon as I landed, I called for a cab, which was going to cost a fortune, but I wanted to get home as fast as possible. Until the moment Raven’s Peak came into view, I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed being there. After paying the cabbie, I grabbed my bags and ran up the front steps. Mr. Clancy wasn’t there to open the door, but then, he wasn’t expecting me.
As I placed my bags just inside the door, I was met by silence. I ran up the stairs right to Kane’s room, but when I entered, my feet just stopped. His room wasn’t just unoccupied, it looked nearly cleared out. Most of his personal stuff, things he didn’t use but didn’t want to part with, was boxed in the corner, but all his clothes and those things he used daily like his iPod and speakers were gone. I didn’t know how long I stood in his room that was no longer his room. Where the hell was he? Had he moved to Boston already and was waiting to surprise me? But it seemed like a cruel joke to not contact me. We never went so long between calls.
I searched the house for the others, but the place was empty, and, from the look of the pile of mail on the kitchen counter, it had been for a while. Reaching for my phone, I called Mrs. Marks, but as was the case lately, her phone went to voice mail. An uneasy feeling moved through me. Something was definitely not right.
Someone was bringing in the mail; they’d know what was going on. I started from the house to head to town to find that person. Halfway down the drive, a car I didn’t recognize pulled in. I recognized the driver—Camille. Pulling over, she climbed out. Surprise filled me, because Camille had gone off to school only just the year before. The timing of her decision, not long after Kane had told her no way would they ever be together, made it clear to both of us that she was off licking her wounds. Considering her motivation, I guess it wasn’t a surprise to discover she hadn’t stuck with it.
“Teagan? What are you doing here?”
I was tempted to ask the same of her, but I honestly didn’t care. “Came home for a visit. Do you know where everyone is?”
“Oh.” I didn’t sense understanding or even sympathy in that one word, but I did see a giddiness that turned my stomach. “You don’t know?”
“Know what?” What the hell did she know about my family that I didn’t?
“They’ve been gone for a while, getting Kane settled in his new apartment.”
I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly, but excitement mingled with my confusion, because it sounded like he was in Boston. I was going to kill him for the way he did this, but I was thrilled with the end result. “New apartment?”
“Yeah, to be closer to his girlfriend.”
“You mean me?”
“No, his new girlfriend.”
All the air left my lungs. New girlfriend, what the hell was she talking about? Kane had a new girlfriend? “Doreen?” The name passed my lips before I even really knew I’d meant to say it.
“Yes. You should see them together. Every weekend they’re inseparable. A lot like how you and he used to be before you got all consumed with school. It’s not surprising that their feelings grew into something more, especially since you seem to have moved on.”
Pain sliced through me; as much as I wanted to dismiss every word from her mouth as a lie, I couldn’t. Deep down I’d feared this very thing. Yet despite the ache in my chest, I was certain that Kane would have told me if he’d moved on. He’d never leave me adrift.
“Mrs. Marks and the others went to help get him settled. I’m sorry. I thought you knew, being his best friend and all.”
Somehow I knew she’d said that on purpose to dig the knife in. It should have hurt, it should have eviscerated me, and there was a part of me shattered at the possibility, but I refused to believe that my Kane would act so selfishly.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Collecting their mail.” She tilted her head, surveying me like she would a lost puppy. But it wasn’t pity in her gaze—she was enjoying every second. Turning from her, I started back to the house. “I’ve already brought in the mail, so you can leave.”
Kane had found someone else. I couldn’t bear to think it, but then, where was everyone? I thought to continue on into town as planned, if for no other reason than to disprove Camille’s hateful lies, but Mrs. Marks and the others rarely socialized in town so the likelihood that someone there knew the details about their impromptu trip was unlikely. I did try calling the boatyard a few times because Mr. Miller, as Kane’s employer, would know Kane’s whereabouts, but as was my luck lately, I wasn’t able to get through to him.
I returned to Boston and stewed over the conversation with Camille for days. Kane and Doreen had been spending weekends together since September, almost three months. He was an easy guy to like, an even easier guy to love. Entertaining the possibility that Kane had moved on caused a pain so severe it was staggering, but he would have never handled the situation so callously; he was too thoughtful. The realization that something could have befallen Mrs. Marks, Mr. Clancy, or Mrs. T, because they were elderly, made me call the hospital, but none of them had been admitted.
I honestly didn’t know what to make of the situation. The state of his room bugged me. It had looked like he’d been in the middle of packing, so where the hell was he? I couldn’t deny that Kane was intrigued by Doreen. I knew him well enough to be able to tell by his tone. Remembering Camille’s comment about me having moved on, I wondered if it were possible that Kane felt that way too? Was that why he hadn’t called to tell me that he’d found someone else? Was he pissed and bitter at my believed defection? Was it a coincidence that, after spending many weekends with an adoring Doreen, they had a long weekend together, and then he suddenly stopped calling his fiancée, who rarely took his calls and couldn’t be bothered to come home for Thanksgiving? Or was he feeling guilty?
He’d told me he was jealous of Simon, that he was going crazy not seeing me. Was that true? Or was he so quick to anger during that phone call because he knew he had been too quick to propose. Had he finally realized that I’d been a convenience because he had now found the real thing with Doreen? A sob burned up my throat. As much as I wanted to deny it, when I looked at the situation logically, the facts supported Camille’s story.
I tried for that whole week following my trip home to get in touch with anyone, to no avail. And that hurt too, the freeze-out from people I thought of as my family. If Kane had moved on, shouldn’t the family be rallying behind me, knowing how devastated I’d be? Or were they pissed at me, believing that I had also moved on? I had always known they were more Kane’s family than they were ever mine.
It was a week and a half after I returned to Boston when I finally heard from Kane, making it nearly a month since his last call.
“Kane?” My voice shook, and my stomach twisted in knots.
“Teagan.”
He sounded funny, distant maybe. And what was up with the Teagan? He never called me that.
“Kane, where have you been? I’ve been calling you for a month.”
“Sorry,” he said, his words clipped like he was angry, like this was a conversation he didn’t want to have but had to.
“Is everything all right?”
“Teagan, I’m sorry to tell you this over the phone, but I’m not moving to Boston.”
It took a minute for those words to sink in and another for me to react. Devastation hit me first, and then I felt dead inside. I’m not moving to Boston. Who would have thought that so short a phrase could have such a catastrophic impact? And, even though I didn’t want to hear it, I needed to: “Why?” My voice cracked.
An uncomfortable silence fell. Never had silence been uncomfortable between us. Dread filled my belly. I knew what was coming and, even knowing that, hearing the confirmation from him shattered me. “I met someone. I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean for it to happen.”
The first time I’d ever seen him flashed into my head—the boy who offered comfort to the broken girl who had just lost her parents—and that image was followed with the one of him standing at the airport security check after having just asked me to marry him. And now his smiles and kisses, his laughter and hugs, would all be for someone else. Camille had been telling the truth.
“Doreen.”
“Yes. I’m sorry, Teagan, I can’t marry you.”
I looked down at his ring, which I hadn’t taken off since he’d put it there. The symbol of our life together, a symbol I drew strength and comfort from. The words barely passed the lump in my throat. “You don’t want to marry me?”
“I’m sorry.”
I had never understood the expression “going numb,” but now I did. At that moment, I felt absolutely nothing, not sorrow, not anger, not pain. I felt nothing except broken. My next words came out automatically, because my brain was struggling to make sense of a situation that made no sense. “Do you want your ring back?”
“No.”
“Are you happy?” That question was directed at my best friend, not my lover, because despite everything, I wanted him to be happy.
“I am. And you’ll be again too.”
“No, Kane, I won’t, not now. Be happy. I really do hope you’ll be happy.” I wasn’t going to say it, but I felt it, even if he didn’t anymore, and this would be the last time I could. “I love you, Kane.”
My thumb pressed the “End” button, the action so final. Not just the end of the call but the end of us. I sat there, staring down at my phone, the tears welling up and over my lower lids, because I didn’t know where to go from there. He had been my life; all of my happiest moments were with him, my whole world’s happiness was him. And he had found someone else.
Simon found me looking out at the Charles River, watching the sunrise. It had been two days since Kane’s call, two days since learning that the future I’d wanted so much to have with him wasn’t to be. It hadn’t really hit me yet, because there was a part of me that just didn’t believe it. Every time I thought of him moving on, the image of him on one knee on the side of the road flashed in my head. I truly believed his actions had all been genuine: his love for me, the sincerity of his proposal, and the absolute certainty in his expression that what he was asking, what we were committing to, was what he wanted.
“Teagan?”
Simon stepped up next to me, touching my chin with his fingers and forcing my gaze to his. He always had a smile on his face, but not now. Something dark moved over his expression. “What happened?”
“Kane’s found someone else.”
“What?” That one word was snarled and filled with contempt.
“I’d convinced myself that Camille had lied to break us up. You know I don’t trust her. She’s always wanted Kane.”
“I’m sensing a ‘but.’”
“Kane called me two days ago and confirmed it.” Tears streamed down my face, but I just didn’t have the energy to wipe them away. “He stopped calling, and he isn’t at home, because he moved to be closer to her.”
“Son of a bitch.”
“Part of me, a big part of me, doesn’t believe him either, and yet why would he lie? I thought I had it all figured out, you know. We got engaged early, but it felt right in every fiber of my being. And it hurts so fucking much to know I wasn’t enough. It took him years to fall for me, and he fell for her in only months. I feared that I had just been a convenience, and then he asked me to marry him and those fears dissolved. But I really must have only been a convenience, and a rather boring one at that, if he could move on so quickly.”
“He’s an asshole.”
“That’s just it, Simon, he isn’t. I want to hunt him down, even though I haven’t a clue where he’s living now, and demand that he tell me how he could so easily move on. And yet I can’t bear the thought of seeing him again. With five words, he took away every happy memory I’ve had since my parents died.”
“Have you spoken to Mrs. Marks?”
“I haven’t been able to get through to anyone at the house. And I can’t lie, if they really are helping to get him settled, why didn’t anyone help me? Kane is Mrs. Marks’s adopted child, but I thought we were a family. You’re not suppose to show favoritism, right?”
His arm came around me, tucking me close to his side. “I’m sorry, Teagan. Lame-ass words, I know, but I am sorry.”
Resting my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes, thankful that I had him, that I wasn’t completely alone.
A week after talking to Kane, I finally got through to Mrs. Marks. She sounded tired, her voice raw as if she’d been crying.
“Are you okay? You don’t sound so good.”
“Oh, Teagan, I’m sorry I haven’t called. It’s just that . . .” Whatever she was going to say, she seemed to have second thoughts. “Damn it, I hate this. I’m okay. How are you? How’s school?”
She never cursed. “Did Kane move away to be closer to Doreen?”
Her shock lined with anger could not have been faked. “Who told you that?”
“Camille said he moved away to be closer to her at school.”
“That girl should mind her own damn business.”
Another curse, but I couldn’t focus on anything but the answer to the question that hadn’t stopped pounding in my brain. “Mrs. Marks, did Kane follow Doreen?”
She sounded resigned in a way I’d never heard in her before when she replied, “Yes.”
And that was when I finally admitted to myself that Kane and I were over.
Lying very still in bed, eyes closed and taking only shallow breaths, I wondered if it were possible to just fade out of existence. When you felt dead inside, shouldn’t you just die? I felt nothing. Never in my life had I felt such an absolute sense of nothing, not even when my parents had died.
Every time I closed my eyes I saw him, his smile, those eyes sparkling with love, and I felt him like he was really next to me, holding me, touching me. Like a living torment, his proposal was always right there, the sight of him dropping to one knee. I love you, Tea. I want my life with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning and go to sleep next to you every night. Marry me. But he didn’t want to marry me. He’d dropped everything and moved to be closer to her, when he had told me he needed time before he could join me. My future, once so full of possibilities, now felt like it would only contain days alone, a constant reminder that I hadn’t been enough.
I didn’t know what I had done, what had turned him from me and so completely. The idea that it was because of me trying to adjust to college life and being overwhelmed and overworked seemed unfair. I had to have done something, though, because he wasn’t even my friend anymore. He didn’t love me, and that hurt like hell, but I could probably have survived that. But cutting me from his life completely, the most vital part of my life for nearly ten years, left a hole that was too big to be filled. And he had cut himself out of my life. His number had been disconnected. I knew this, because I had broken down and called him during one particularly bad night. I never got through—talk about a kick in the gut.
Simon pulled the covers from my head with a quick flick of his wrist, the sunlight streaming in through the windows. I now understood how vampires felt when hit with sunlight.
“Stop.” I grabbed for the blanket. He was faster and pulled it clear off the bed.
“You’re getting up today.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Damn it, you are not spending another minute mourning for that asshole.”
“I wish it were that easy.”
Settling on the bed, he brushed my hair from my face. “I know you’re hurting, but you’ve got to get past it and him.”
“I don’t know how. He was family, Simon. After my parents died, he became my family. Whatever happened in my world, I knew it would be okay as long as I had Kane. He saved me when I was younger; he pulled me from my despair. I never saw this coming. There were never any warning signs, no indication at all that he was feeling restless. He asked me to marry him four months ago, got down on one knee and pledged himself to me. How do you find someone else after that? I don’t understand. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know why I wasn’t good enough.”
“Fucking asshole. He’s the one not good enough. He’s the one who did something wrong, not you. The way I see it, it’s better to learn now the kind of man he is and not after you have kids and a house.”
“I wanted kids and a house with him. I really, really wanted that.”
The anger arrived days later. Pulling out every stitch of clothing I owned, I tossed all the pieces he had given me. The few T-shirts I had of his—the ones I’d taken so I could feel him with me—I burned. I deleted his messages on my phone. I tore up the pictures I brought with me. All but one. My plan was to use it as a dartboard.
And even as my rage burned through me, I mourned. What if I never got past this? What if I couldn’t find my way without him? How quickly life could turn. I’d loved Kane, and now I hated him. And yet, it didn’t make me feel any better.
Maybe if I hadn’t worked so hard, or if I hadn’t gone away, or if I had stayed close, he wouldn’t have lost interest. Had I brought this on myself?
As I sat in class, the teacher was talking about something, but I just couldn’t pay attention. A couple sitting a few rows in front of me had their heads together talking. Kane and I used to do that, especially at dinner or when we were forced to go to church. We’d always found a way to make a situation fun. It was easy, because we just genuinely liked each other. Even before there was romance, we had been the best of friends. He knew me better than anyone, including my parents. He was the one I always ran to.
Had I known my friendship with him would be put on the line by falling in love, I may not have allowed myself to feel that way for him. Boyfriends came and went, but a best friend, someone who knew all of your secrets, was rare. I had been lucky because Kane had been both to me, but that had proved to be remarkably unlucky, because in losing one, I had lost the other.