Teagan
Simon and I sat in the hospital waiting room, but we weren’t allowed into Mrs. Marks’s room. Apparently she was having a bad day, but she was still listed as stable, so that was something. I tried not to think about it, but what if she didn’t recover from this? I had missed so many years, and with the thought that she could die with things the way they were between us, I wanted to weep again. Trying to stay positive, I pushed my fears out of my head, but then thoughts of Kane settled in as well as the dread I felt at facing him again. I really didn’t want to know whatever it was he had to say, didn’t think there was anything he could say to heal the hurt he had caused. And yet I was going to see him and hear him out, because it wasn’t possible for me not to.
While sitting there, hoping the doctors would give us at least five minutes with Mrs. Marks, I saw Kane appear at the end of the hall. Everything just seemed to stand still as I got my first look at him in five years. My heart rate sped up at the sight of him. He looked beautiful. His hair was still long, so it brushed his shoulders but, unlike the last time I saw him, it wasn’t messy. It looked windswept and sexy as hell. He was taller, maybe even taller than Simon, and his shoulders, always so big, were even wider, his waist narrow, his thigh muscles showing in relief against the faded denim of his jeans. His face was turned away, so I couldn’t see his eyes—and I missed those eyes, even though they’d been haunting my dreams. And following that nearly perfect moment of silent appreciation came a stabbing pain that stole my breath. I should have realized that he would have been visiting Mrs. Marks too.
“Shit.” I sank lower in my chair.
“What? What’s happened?” Simon had been totally engrossed in the magazine he was reading—he could tune out better than anyone I knew.
“That’s him.” Why the hell did he have to look so freaking good?
Simon’s head snapped in the direction I was looking. “Kane? He’s hot. Too bad he didn’t go bald or get fat.”
My head snapped in his direction. “I was just thinking that same very thing,” I said. Talk about uncanny.
“Great minds and all. So is that the wife?”
Kane walked along the corridor with one of the nurses, her arm draped through his. Their heads were turned toward each other, and she was laughing at something he’d said. Sweet, almost intimate, and definitely not his wife.
“No, that’s not the wife.”
“You think he’s stepping out? Or maybe they didn’t work out. Maybe he’s a player—turned into a real Don Juan.”
My focus shifted back to Simon. “You’re getting a little excited.”
“I know, but I do love a good intrigue. So what do you think is going on over there?”
“I never thought he was a player, but he isn’t the boy he was, so I don’t know. Maybe he is a slut now.”
Simon was eyeing Kane, and I knew his thoughts as if he were speaking them out loud.
“He doesn’t go your way, and even if he did, would you seriously tap that after what he did to me?”
“No, but a man can dream.”
“You’re an idiot.” They drew closer, so I grabbed a magazine and held it to my face. The last thing I wanted was to have a chitchat with Kane. But he didn’t even glance over when they passed by us. Had he seen me and purposely avoided me like we were in grade school? Sure, I was doing that to him but, as the wounded party, I was entitled.
“I guess he doesn’t want to talk to you any more than you want to talk to him.”
“Fuck that.” I stood, dropping the magazine on the table, and started after Kane and his tart. When I was practically on top of him I snarled, “Hey, Kane. How the hell are you?” His whole body jerked like I’d hit him. I wished I had.
Slowly, he turned around, but those eyes were just as lifeless as they had been five years earlier.
“Teagan, you’re home.” So much for the lessons in giving people eye contact that Mr. Clancy drilled into us. Asshole.
“Not home. Visiting. Home’s Boston now. This place has too many bad memories. So who’s this? What happened to your wife, Kane? Did you not want that permanency either?”
For just a second I saw what looked like pain cross over his expression, but I just didn’t care anymore. “Careful, he won’t linger long, this one,” I said to the woman. “A rolling stone, always on the move. Best to not get your heart involved. It hurts like a mother when he rips it from your chest and stomps on it. Believe me, I know from personal experience.”
“Teagan! You’re being rude.” Kane had the nerve to call me rude? Oh no.
“I’m being rude? Yeah, I probably am. I’m a lot of things I never used to be. Simon, this is Kane, I told you about him. Kane, my boy, Simon.”
Simon put out his hand and Kane refused to shake it. “Now who’s being rude?” said Simon.
“We should probably get going,” the nurse said, speaking up for the first time after having watched the show like a tennis match, her expression horrified.
“By all means, I certainly wouldn’t want to hold you against your will. We know how you respond to that, don’t we?” I punched Kane in the arm playfully—and not really playfully. I nailed him pretty fucking hard and, damn, that felt good.
A chin lift was all I got from him, a chin lift before he said, “Teagan.” And then he turned and left me, again.
“Well, you really handled that well,” Simon said, pushing his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.
“I wasn’t at my best, but can you blame me?”
“Nope.”
“Let’s go eat. Being bitter and resentful has made me very hungry.”
He laughed, the sound so loud it echoed down the hall. My eyes were still on Kane, and I saw his body tense, even from our distance. Asshole.
Simon was schmoozing Mrs. T, working his wiles so he could get a sample of every dish she was making for dinner. Growing up, I thought Kane could pack food away, but Simon put him to shame. I honestly didn’t understand how the man could eat the way he did and still stay so fit. He worked out, but not as much as I would have to. Life wasn’t fair.
Standing on the balcony off my room, my thoughts roamed all over the place. We never did get in to see Mrs. Marks. It concerned me how sick she was. I felt guilty for not coming home, even though I knew she understood why I hadn’t visited. And seeing that reason the day before—Kane—for the first time in five years, I’d expected to feel anger and bitterness. But under that, there was a longing that had never gone away. I hated that he had that kind of power over me, especially since clearly I didn’t have that kind of power over him.
He had moved on, apparently was still moving on, if the scene at the hospital was any indication. I couldn’t lie, seeing him with that woman had been more painful than meeting his wife. It sounded crazy, but over the years I had rationalized to myself that he’d left me to be with the one he planned on spending the rest of his life with. She hadn’t been, though, and that only threw in my face how right I had been to fear that I had really been no more than a convenience.
He was still so altered from the boy he had been. Why? I still wanted so desperately to know what had happened to him that had changed him so completely. Mr. Clancy had said there was more to the story and, despite myself, I found I really wanted to hear it.
And still my heart ached for him, missed him, missed us. Hated that I would never be free of him, that my love for him had turned into a life sentence. Suddenly the years ahead seemed rather bleak.
Pushing it from my head for now, since thoughts of Kane only led to pain, I left my room. Moving through the house, I marveled over Mrs. Marks’s treasures. Having studied art history at school, I couldn’t believe I’d grown up in a museum, but had never realized what she had. And yet, it felt like a home: warm and cozy, despite the rare antiquities all around.
Reaching the library, déjà vu washed over me at the sound of voices within, voices I recognized immediately: Kane and Camille. Jealousy, waves of it, crashed over me, even though I had no claim on Kane anymore.
“I’m going to the party too, so I can pick you up, if you’d like.” Camille was still sniffing around. Get a life already. He wasn’t interested.
“Sure, thanks.” My jealousy darkened. He left me, broke my heart over the phone, removed himself completely from my life, and now he was going to parties with Camille, someone I knew he didn’t even like. What the fuck? Strolling into the room, I didn’t even bother hiding my contempt.
“Camille, how have you been?” She looked terrible. I found comfort in this observation. “You’re looking a bit tired. Are you okay?” Mean, petty, beneath me, and oh so satisfying.
Smug was the best word to describe the expression that passed over her face. What the hell did she have to be smug about? Well, besides the obvious that Kane was talking to her and not me.
“Teagan. So you’ve finally decided to grace everyone with your presence.”
“If you want to put it that way, sure. Still got your sights set on this house?”
That got her. Surprise flashed over her face. Take that, bitch.
“Just visiting an old friend. While you were off doing whatever you were doing, Kane and I have become rather close.”
“Camille.” That one word from Kane held meaning, I was sure, and yet I had no idea what that meaning was.
“Well, it’s true. You never looked back, did you, Teagan? As close as the two of you were, you sure as hell severed all ties, and quickly. You should have looked back.”
“Enough,” Kane barked.
Looked back—what the hell was she talking about? It had come from her mouth first, and in great detail, the developing affection between Kane and Doreen. Camille had relished in telling me that news, knew the impact it would have on me—Kane moving on. And it had been him who had moved on, going so far as to get married. Why the fuck would I want to look back on that? “Seems my lack of looking back, as you call it, worked in your favor.”
“Indeed, but we’re just friends.”
“Don’t sell yourself short. Kane dumped me, and it seems like the little wife couldn’t hold on to him either. His affection is fickle, so you may get your hands on him, after all.”
She was like a rabid dog, drooling over the possibility.
“You deserve each other,” were my parting words before I swept out of the room.
I fumed as I stomped down the hall, because, of all the people to be sitting in that room with him, it was fucking Camille. As if I hadn’t been through enough because of him, and now he was entertaining her? And she just loved throwing that in my face. Stopping dead, I struggled with the need to walk right back into that room and punch him, punch them both, but that wasn’t the proper way to handle a conflict, apparently.
Footsteps down the hall turned my attention to Dimitri Falco. Now what the hell was he doing? He moved around the house like he was looking for something as I followed him. His fingers, long, thin, and creepy looking ran along several of Mrs. Marks more valuable pieces.
“Can I help you?”
Snapping around, his startled expression would almost have been comical if not for the underlying hostility that pulsed off him. He’d been so consumed with his thoughts, which I just bet were sinister, that he hadn’t noticed he had company.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in the study, documenting or whatever?”
His nose went up, honest to God. He tilted his head so he could look down at me. Asshole. “I’ve recently been asked to perform another service.”
“Which is?”
“That’s between Mrs. Marks and me.”
She’d been in the hospital not taking visitors, so when the hell did he talk to her? Moving past that I asked, “And that requires you to be in this room touching everything like a child in a toy shop?”
His dark eyes turned darker, and a chill worked through me, since he looked evil in that moment. “As a matter of fact, it does.”
Crossing my arms, I leaned up against the doorjamb. “So have at it then.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, if you’re supposed to be here, then you won’t mind if I stand here and watch. I’ve always been fascinated with the law.”
His lips turned up in a snarl. “I don’t need to be babysat. I’ll return to this at another time.”
“I bet you will. See you around, Mr. Falco.”
Leaving the room, he glanced at me from over his shoulder and I was scared for a second, because he was not a good man. Why the hell would Mrs. Marks have him as her attorney? When I had a moment with her, I intended to ask that very question.
Sitting on the beach, I noticed a wire that ran from Kane’s island to the cliff just a few hundred feet from where I was sitting. I never saw that as a kid and, as many times as Kane and I played there, I would have. I wondered what it was? Could that possibly be the electricity? I always thought they ran that underwater.
I wasn’t behaving like myself; every time I saw Kane I turned into a shrew. Rude—I was acting unbelievably rude and I wasn’t generally a rude person, despite what I told Kane.
He hurt me; I was bitter. I understood my behavior, but I didn’t understand his. He owed me an explanation. After everything we had been through, he owed me that, and yet he didn’t seem to have any intention of giving me that despite the fact that Mr. Clancy said I needed to hear it. Was I going to have to pry an explanation from him? The thought was not a bad one. I’d love to inflict pain on him. He had it coming.
The other thought that constantly nagged at me was, what had I done to him to make him turn from me so completely? I had thought he had turned his back on the whole family, but it was just me he avoided like the plague. Yes, I’d been wrapped up in my schoolwork, but that couldn’t be what had caused his change, what had made his love turn into hate. I knew there was a fine line between love and hate, but I didn’t think it was so literal. And Camille. What the hell had that been all about? She was no different than she had been in school, so why was he now friends with her? Going to parties together certainly suggested they were friendly. It was like Kane was now the anti-Kane. I wish I knew what had happened to my Kane. Maybe he was being held in a cryo capsule in a spaceship orbiting our planet.
Mrs. Marks was doing better, but the docs asked if we could give her a few more days before we came for a visit. I was fine with that. She needed to recover, and that was more important than me getting in to see her, when she would more than likely not even know I was there.
Simon was on the phone in the study, working his magic on a few pieces in an estate sale he was tracking online. Feeling restless, I decided to head into town. The walk was both familiar and comforting.
Before long I was sitting on the pier that Kane and I used to visit all the time. Like when we were kids, my legs dangled over the edge as I looked out to sea. The water was so blue, and the way the sun reflected off it made it appear like diamonds on the surface. Seagulls flew overhead, their distinct cry echoing across the water. Kane wasn’t wrong about it being beautiful. I felt that bitterness again, because I really had wanted to call this place home too, but it wasn’t big enough for the both of us. Constantly running into him, especially with how dismissive he was to me now, would make living in Blue Hill hell.
A boat was pulling up, docking at the end of the pier. In the next minute, Kane appeared with Mr. Miller, the owner of the boatyard that Kane had worked at as a kid. My heart hitched to see Kane helping the older man from the boat, getting a flash of the boy he had been, the memory of him helping this very same man all those years ago when he was struggling with carrying too much. Why did he get to see the old Kane? Even that nurse—he had been smiling and laughing with her. Why did they get that and I didn’t?
I was up and walking down the pier before I could stop myself. Mr. Miller saw me and said something to Kane before he smiled and spoke to me. “Hi, Teagan. Welcome home.”
“Mr. Miller, you’re looking well.” For generations the Millers had run the boatyard, from the days when they built exquisite clipper ships to now where they did mostly refurbishing and maintenance. For a man who spent his days in the sun, his skin didn’t have that ruddy fisherman’s hue. Though he was balding, he looked at least ten years younger than I knew him to be.
“I’m getting old, but I do appreciate you saying that.” He flashed me a smile and placed a hand on Kane’s arm. “I’ll head up. You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll join you in a minute.” Kane’s head turned in my general direction. “Teagan.”
“You don’t call me Tea anymore, why?”
He shrugged. That was the only answer I got.
“Why, Kane? I really need to understand why you’ve changed so much. What happened to you?”
“Nothing happened.”
“You’re not the same person you were. You’re cold and dismissive. Even though you don’t love me anymore, we were the closest of friends. And yet you can chat up other people, including that hag Camille. But with me you’ve not even attempted to explain why you left the way you did.”
His voice sounded hard, but he looked devastated. The contradiction unnerved me. “Let it go, Teagan. Just let it go. We’re not who we were. That’s over, so just let it be over.”
My temper stirred. “How the hell can you dismiss me like this? I’d like to get over you as easily as you did me, but I can’t until I understand what I did to turn you from me so completely. Why do you hate me so much?”
“Hate you?” Horror filled his expression. “I don’t hate you.”
“I disagree. You clearly don’t like me. I’ve been in town for four days, and you have not made one attempt to see me. I wish I could turn it off as easily as you have, I wish the sight of you didn’t bring back all the memories I’ve tried so hard to lock away, and yet somehow they still seep out to torment me. You and me forever, remember? Your idea and mine of forever are very different.”
He just stood there like I was invisible. I didn’t think my heart could break any more, but it did, the familiar ache burning in my chest.
“Please, just tell me what happened to you. What happened to my Kane? I miss him every day.”
“Let it go, Teagan, please just let it go.”
His refusal to answer me and the calm, almost callous way in which he addressed me caused my temper to spike and, with it, the words I longed to say just poured out. “You’re an asshole.” He jerked as if I had slapped him, and I saw pain cross his face, but I just didn’t care. “I never would have believed it of the boy I loved, but the man you’ve become is a big fucking asshole. You broke me, you son of a bitch. You left me shattered and alone and yet you can stand here and tell me to let it go. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still struggling to let it go. I hope whatever it was you needed to do, however you needed to find yourself, was worth the wreckage you left in your wake.”
I walked away that time, and yet somehow I was still the one hurt.
That night, I headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water before I went to bed. I had just reached the doorway when I heard Kane’s voice. Peering into the room, I watched as he came in through the back door, Zeus at his side. My gaze fell on the harness that Zeus was wearing, one I had yet to see him in, leather with a loop. It wasn’t much of a leash, but then I supposed Kane wouldn’t want Zeus having too much lead near the cliffs.
“Hey, Mrs. T.”
“Evening, Kane.”
“Did you bake me a cake?” he asked, which I thought was odd since there was a cake sitting on the one counter.
“I did. Triple chocolate, your favorite.”
“You’re the best.” And though he was trying to act happy, he was failing. Could he possibly be hurt from what I had said to him earlier?
“You want something to drink with it?”
“I’ll get it.”
Bitterness swelled in me. Despite the sadness that rolled off him, here was my Kane, acting completely normal with Mrs. T, but with me he turned into a cyborg. His hand reached for the cabinet, brushing over the door, before pulling it open. Walking to the fridge, he held his hand suspended for a minute before he pulled out the milk and poured himself a glass, his free hand wrapping around the rim. Moving to the table, his hand bumping along the top of each chair, he took a seat. Mrs. T placed a plate in front of him, the fork to the left of the plate. Zeus settled at his side eating his kibble.
“Delicious as usual.”
An alarming feeling of dread moved through me watching him, and then Mrs. T said, “Have you told her?” With those words, my focus shifted.
The smile he had just been sporting died on his lips. “No.”
“You going to?”
“No.”
“We’ve all kept quiet because you asked that of us, but she’s hurting, Kane. It’s not right, you keeping her in the dark like you are.”
“Pun intended?” he asked, but there was no humor in his tone, only anger, regret, and bitterness.
“Mrs. Marks intended to tell her. She called her and asked her to come. Mr. Clancy and I encouraged her to do it, but it should come from you.”
“Her life isn’t here anymore, she’s moved on just like I wanted her to do.”
“I think you’re a fool, and I think you’re being very unfair to that girl. She still loves you. It’s written all over her face. What if the shoe was on the other foot, Kane?”
He said nothing, only stood and started for the door. “She’s better off without me, Mrs. T.” And then he was gone, his dog following him out.
It was late. Anger burned, simmering under the surface, and with it, another emotion that was all consuming: disbelief. Everyone was asleep but me. I hadn’t noticed it when I came home from school all those years ago, too heartbroken to focus on anything but the pain he was causing me, but since I’d been home, the times I’d seen him, I could tell that something wasn’t right. And where my thoughts were taking me as to the cause was what brought on the disbelief.
Heading to the kitchen, I went to the cabinet to the spot Kane had brushed his fingers over earlier. Doing the same, I felt odd bumps on the wood, and looking closer revealed the transparent sticker. I didn’t know how long I stood there running my finger over it. Working my way around the space, I saw everything in the kitchen had one.
Pulling the refrigerator open revealed meticulous organization: milk in one section, yogurts in another, veggies and fruits, and each drawer had a sticker. And in that moment I knew my suspicion was correct. My knees buckled and I slid bonelessly down the cabinets to the floor.
The stickers were Braille, if I wasn’t wrong. Braille marking the cabinets, which were so organized, every item in precise position. The floor was free of any objects so as to avoid tripping. The wire that led from Kane’s island to the beach must be a guide of some kind. They added a fence and the railings on the path. And every time I’d seen Kane since I had been home, he had been with someone, and the harness Zeus had been wearing wasn’t for him but Kane. His lack of making eye contact and not shaking Simon’s hand. His house, when I’d come home after college, had been tossed. He had done that, done it out of frustration and anger.
Kane was blind.
I was having trouble getting my head around that. What had happened to him? How had he lost his sight? Why would he have kept that from me? Jumping up from the floor and grabbing a flashlight—which caused a wicked case of déjà vu—I ran all the way to the beach. The water swirled from the churning of the little boat’s engine as I made my way to the island.
Climbing from the boat, I ran to the house. Zeus heard me before I even knocked, his warning growl alerting Kane. A minute later, the door pulled open.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were blind?”
Surprise flashed over his face. “Teagan.”
“Why?”
“Come in.” He held the door for me. I stepped in, was greeted by Zeus, but I didn’t move into the room, staying close to the door.
My pulse was pounding in my throat, the back of my eyes were burning, and I had a thousand questions on the tip of my tongue, but the only one I kept asking was, “Why?” Disbelief had morphed into devastation, but my anger was growing to rival it.
“What gave it away?” A touch of humor laced through his deep voice.
“You were very convincing, but I lived in that house too, I saw the changes. What happened to you?”
He pulled a hand through his hair, his sightless eyes staring right into mine as if he could see me. Somehow he managed to navigate himself to stand on the other side of the room. I didn’t understand why he needed to put the room between us, but I moved on from that slight. His face was completely blank, almost as if he didn’t hear me. I really thought he wasn’t going to say anything and then I saw it, the slip in the armor, the crack that offered a glimpse into the tormented man it hid. His mouth opened, the words tumbling over each other as if he were relieved to finally get it all off his chest. “There was a fire in town, the volunteers were called in. The O’Malleys’ old ice cream parlor at the end of Main Street—by the time we got there, the place was completely engulfed. We were going to let it burn, since the risk to the other shops was minimal, and then I saw the kid. My guess, there probably had been a few kids inside smoking, since kids have been doing that since the place closed down. They were most likely the ones who’d set the fire. One of them got trapped when she tried to put the fire out.”
Dread rippled over me, like icy fingers down my spine. “A fire?” Kane wouldn’t have yanked himself from my life, left me broken and alone, because he had gone blind. No, whatever had happened to him had been significantly worse.
“What happened in the fire? How did you lose your sight?”
“Teagan, there’s no point.”
“How did you lose your fucking sight?”
“A beam fell, trapped me under it. Retina detachment caused my blindness.”
A beam fell, a burning beam. Oh my God. “Lift your shirt.”
“What?”
“Lift your fucking shirt.”
His face went hard as he pulled his shirt off. I couldn’t help but gasp, nor could I stop the tears that spilled down my cheeks. His skin, his beautiful skin, was scarred, twisted and red up and over his shoulder from his left pectoral. My feet forced me around his back, and my tears fell harder, because half of his back and up to his neck were also scarred.
“Oh my God,” I said through a strangled cry. And then the reality of what had really happened to him nearly shattered me. Burned, blind, and alone. I had never felt heartache so severely. “Oh my God.”
“Tea?”
My teary eyes looked up into his, into those beautiful blue eyes that I had thought were dead. I ran, fled down the beach and back to the boat. Somehow I managed to get to my room before I stumbled, falling to my hands and knees. Curling into myself, I tried forcing air into my lungs, and, when I exhaled, the sound that ripped from my throat was inhuman. All these years I had cursed him, hated him for living the dream without me, but he hadn’t been. He had almost died, but then he’d lived: burned, scarred, in excruciating pain, and having to deal with all that horror in the dark. The force of my sobs made my ribs ache. Rocking back and forth, I completely broke down.