Teagan
“Are you sure this is going to work?” Simon was dubious, which I totally didn’t get, since my idea would have worked on him.
“Yes.”
“He doesn’t really seem the type.”
“Trust me.” Stepping off the boat, we were greeted by Zeus, who came running down to the beach.
“Hey there, handsome. Your daddy around?”
Zeus started back up the beach, but my eyes were already looking toward the house where Kane stood on the front porch, leaning against the post.
Simon said, “You’re right; the house is the color of your eyes.”
“Teagan.”
How did he know it was me? I wanted to ask, but now wasn’t the time. “Kane, I wanted you to meet Simon officially. Simon, this is Kane.”
Simon moved to Kane, who stepped off the porch and offered his hand. “Nice to meet you, Simon.”
“Likewise. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Nothing good, I’m sure.”
“Quiet the contrary, Teagan’s your biggest fan.”
An emotion flitted across Kane’s expression, but it was gone too fast for me to discern. “Do you need something?” he asked.
Nerves turned my stomach inside out. He sounded so remote. Now I wasn’t so sure my plan was going to work. It would have worked on my Kane, but I no longer knew this Kane. Yet we were here, so . . . “There’s a new bakery in town. They’re giving out free samples all day today. We are planning to go stuff our faces with cake. Want to come?”
Hope sparked when I saw the flash in his eyes. My Kane was in there. “Ah, I don’t think—”
“You shouldn’t think, nothing good ever comes from that.”
Simon’s head snapped to me, but my focus was completely on Kane. Take the bait, Kane. He wanted to, I could see it, and my heart felt a lightness I hadn’t experienced in far too long.
“Fine, we’ll eat it all without you. Mrs. T asked that I invite you to dinner. She’s making your fave—potpie. I helped her make yours.”
A slight grin, just the barest of lifts, but it was there.
“Come on, Simon, whoever eats the least cake has to help Kane with dishes tonight. Bye, Kane. See you later.” I called, walking backward, watching him. He didn’t go back inside. He stood there like he was conflicted.
“So?” Simon asked from my side.
“Progress. He grinned.”
“Saw that. Are we still going to the bakery?” he asked.
“Oh my God, you are . . . there are no words. Yes, we’re going to the bakery. I want cake and lots of it.”
“Race you to the boat,” he said.
Simon was getting a cooking lesson from Mrs. T. I wanted to go to Kane, but knew I needed to tread lightly, so instead I decided to visit the Lawsons out of restlessness. I didn’t tell Kane about Mrs. Marks’s request, because I agreed with Mr. Clancy that it might be best to see what the news was first. The town looked just like it had when I was younger. I loved Boston, loved the life I had created there. I’d been born just outside of Boston, but it wasn’t home. Maine was now my home.
Passing the diner, I saw a face I would be happy never to see again. Camille. She wasn’t alone. She was engaged in a conversation with a pretty blond who looked rather upset. It was so tense, I was half tempted to walk over to defuse the situation, but in the next minute, Camille turned and walked away.
The blond shifted, so I could see that she was crying. I didn’t recognize her, but that didn’t stop me from crossing the street toward her. When I was within speaking distance, I asked, “Are you okay?”
Her blue eyes turned to me, startled. “Teagan?”
Then I was the startled one. “Yes. Do I know you?”
“Oh, no, sorry. I’m Kathy O’Malley.”
My legs went numb, and a coldness swept through me. Bitterness, which was completely unfair for me to feel, moved through me. Bitterness that she was whole and healthy while Kane wasn’t. Not her fault, I knew, but I felt it anyway. “Hi.” It was all I had.
“I always wondered how this would go.”
Tilting my head, I studied her for a minute. “What do you mean by that?”
“If we ever met, I mean. I cost you so much.” Simply stated and so profoundly true. And yet it wasn’t really her who had cost us so much. Kane had assumed the risk when he’d signed up to be a volunteer firefighter.
“He knew what he was getting into, Kathy. I didn’t like it when he joined, but he knew the risks.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that he got hurt because he was saving me. I never should have been in that building.”
“You could probably find all kinds of ways to beat yourself up over it, but it won’t change the outcome. I think Kane, despite his injuries, takes satisfaction from the fact that he got you out. And knowing how he used to be, that’s what’s important.”
“That’s very generous of you to say.”
I wanted so badly to know what had happened, the minutes up to and including when it all went to hell. She apparently was a mind reader.
“I was in the kitchen. There had been a few of us, but they ran as soon as the fire started. I tried to put it out but I couldn’t. It spread so quickly. I really thought I was going to die. He appeared like some kind of superhero. He was smiling. I thought I was going to die until I saw that smile. He was trying to distract me, and so he told me we were going to be fine because he had a surprise for you and nothing, not even the fire, was going to keep him from giving it to you. He said something about a dream. He sounded so happy. I heard the crack before I saw the beam. He glanced up and pushed me so hard out of the way. I’ll never forget his face right before . . . it was like he knew.”
Tears welled and spilled down my cheeks. “Knew what?” My words got stuck in my tight throat.
Her eyes shone as bright as my own. “That with the falling of that beam, he had lost the dream.”
Closing my eyes, I just let the pain roll over me. It was the past, it was over, and yet in that moment I felt as if I was right there next to him, experiencing it with him. Wiping at my eyes, I tried to regain control, since dwelling on the past was painful and pointless. “He didn’t lose it, he just took a detour.”
She sounded hopeful. “Really?”
“I love him. I always have. He’s not there yet, but I’m nothing if not tenacious.”
“Oh, wait until I tell Dad.”
It was possible that Kane didn’t want anything to do with me, but if it helped her with her guilt, I had no problem with sharing my intentions. And they were my intentions. I lost him once, and I wasn’t about to lose him again. I’d give him time, but not a lot of it since he’d had nine years.
Changing the subject, I asked, “Are you okay?” She still had tears clinging to her lashes.
“I lost my job. I was managing a small clothing store, but the owners decided to retire. I’ve been with them since I graduated college.”
“Kind of like a family away from the family.”
“Yeah. They’re moving to Florida. I’m happy for them, but now I’m back to pounding the pavement.”
“I’m sure you’ll find something.” I didn’t want to ask, but I was dying to know: “Was that Camille I saw you talking with?”
“Yeah,” she said, disgust clearly lacing through her words. “I’ve known her my whole life. Our parents are close . . . She’s not had an easy time of it, failing out of school, the estrangement from her dad, but even still, she’s just so . . .”
So what? There was clearly more she wanted to say, but she didn’t. Instead she said, “I need to get home. I have to start looking for a new job. It was really nice to meet you. Could you tell Kane I said hi when you see him?”
Estranged from her dad, now that was interesting. I’d have to think on that later, but for now I said, “I will. It was nice to meet you too and don’t worry about the job, you’ll find something.”
Mr. Lawson’s house was a small saltbox cottage just off the beach. Painted a cheery yellow, with a white picket fence, it was charming. Two rocking chairs sat on the front porch; he and his wife probably rocked there in the evening. A stone path led to the front door. I knocked. A woman who looked to be in her late sixties answered. Mrs. Lawson, no doubt. Curious brown eyes stared out of a face with surprisingly few wrinkles, but I didn’t suspect surgery aided in that. Her white hair had been cut into a bob. She was petite, dressed in wool slacks and a pink cashmere sweater.
“Can I help you?”
“Is Mr. Lawson available?”
“Can I give him your name?”
“I’m Teagan Harper. I’m here about Mrs. Marks.”
Her face immediately softened. “Oh, please come in. How is she?”
“Better, getting stronger every day.”
“So relieved to hear that.” She led me out back to a flagstone patio surrounded by gorgeous garden beds filled with a riot of color.
“Are you the gardener?” I asked.
“No, that’s all Larry. There he is.”
He was coming from a shed, dressed in old jeans and a flannel shirt. It was hard to imagine this man being a lawyer, and then his eyes landed on me and I saw the intelligence. Interest rang from his words when he said, “Hello. Can I help you?”
“This is Teagan Harper, dear, she grew up at Raven’s Peak.”
“Oh yes, of course.” He gestured to the iron patio table with peridot cushions. “Please, let’s sit. My legs aren’t as steady as they used to be. Would you like something to drink?”
“No, thank you.”
“So how can I help you?”
“When I visited Mrs. Marks, she got very agitated about a secret that possibly had to do with Kane Doyle.”
His expression changed from friendly to pained. Leaning back in his chair, he ran a hand over his head. “I wondered.”
“Wondered what?”
“She hated keeping the secret about Kane from you. It ate her up, but she’s been keeping another secret for far longer. I wondered if she’d let that one go too.”
“Do you know what she’s talking about?”
“I do. The secret is about Kane’s mother.”
A coldness moved through me—anxiety, fear, and maybe a little anger. “Mrs. Marks has information on Kane’s mom?”
“Yeah.”
I stood, needing to pace. Kane did not need this. “Is it bad? He’s been through a lot already.”
“I’d rather I spoke to Kane about this. Does he know you’re here?”
“No, we weren’t sure what the news was, and he’s been through enough.”
“We?”
“Mr. Clancy and I.”
“Right. I understand, I do, but I think this is something he’s going to want to hear. Can you tell him when he’s ready to come see me?”
“Yes, but can you answer something for me?”
“If I can.”
“Does his mom have other children?”
“No.”
That was something. “Okay, I’ll tell him, but I can’t guarantee that he’ll come. He made peace with his mom’s desertion a long time ago.”
“I understand.”
“Since I’m here, I was wondering what you know about Mr. Falco?”
“What has he done?”
I didn’t expect that question. “You think him capable of doing something?”
“I’m not sure.”
Irritation moved through me. “So why is he working with you for Mrs. Marks?”
“He really isn’t. I’ve kept him on the periphery on purpose. My practice was merged with another, one where Mr. Falco was an associate. When I semiretired, the firm recommended him. They wanted someone shadowing me, so when I did fully retire they could take over with little effort.”
“And why don’t you trust him?”
“For one, he enjoys living outside of his means, and in so doing he’s made some not so very wise choices.”
“Meaning?”
“His business associates are not all respectable.”
“And his firm knows this?”
“I’m not sure how they wouldn’t. It’s not like he keeps it a secret.”
“Why would a practice hire a man like that?”
“I would guess that Mr. Falco has information that one or more of the partners in that firm isn’t interested in having shared. Leverage to a man like Mr. Falco deludes him into believing he holds all the power.”
A disturbing and cryptic comment. “When you do fully retire, do you think you’ll be able to get Mrs. Marks another lawyer?”
“I’m working on it. I have a few things I’m looking into.”
“What firm is Mr. Falco with?”
“Connelly, Drake, and Bowen”
“Bowen as in Camille Bowen?”
“Her father.”
“Well hell.”
On my way back from the Lawsons, my mind whirled. Mr. Lawson knew something about Kane’s mom. I really hoped it was good news, though I couldn’t imagine how the news could be good, considering she’d left years ago and had never tried to contact her son. The old Kane felt his mother’s abandonment deeply, but I wasn’t sure how Kane felt now. Did he even care?
Sleazy worked for Camille’s father. I didn’t know much about Mr. Bowen, but the man had a reputation for being a good lawyer, so why would he hire someone so shady?
I tracked Kane down the following morning while he was walking Zeus on the beach. I hated that I had to have this discussion, especially when I was trying to draw him out of the hole he’d put himself in, but I couldn’t hold on to this knowledge. It wouldn’t be right or fair.
“Teagan, morning.”
“How did you . . . never mind. I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?”
“Sure.”
I fell into step next to him, déjà vu washing over me with how many times we had done this same thing in our youth. “When I went to visit Mrs. Marks the other day, she was conscious for a part of the visit. She became very agitated . . . needed you to know something.”
I felt his body tense, but he didn’t say a word.
“I went to see her lawyer—Lawson, not Falco. He knows the secret.” Stopping, I touched his arm. “It has to do with your mom. Mr. Lawson said when you’re ready he’ll tell you what he knows. I asked, because it would matter to me: it turns out she doesn’t have other children.”
Silence.
“I also ran into Kathy yesterday. She’s nice, but she has lots of guilt about you and the fire. I can’t say I blame her for feeling the way she does. Anyone in her shoes would. I tried to ease her pain a bit by telling her you knew what you were getting into, knew the risks, and in the end you saved her.
“She told me about the fire, about you coming for her, all of it. How happy you were, happy that you were going to be joining me, and when the beam fell, she saw your expression and could tell that you believed the dream was lost.” His arm turned rigid under my hands, every muscle tensed.
“You didn’t lose the dream. I’m here, Kane, and I love you. I never stopped. You said you didn’t want that, that what we had was over. If you really truly feel nothing for me, then fine, once Mrs. Marks is better, I’ll go back to Boston. But if you still feel for me what you once did, give us a chance. If all you can offer is your friendship, I want it. I miss you. I’ve missed my best friend all these years.”
“You have Simon.” Bitterness and hurt radiated off him.
“Simon is a close friend, yes. He was there to force me to pick up the pieces. I wouldn’t have survived without him; I was that lost, that broken. But he isn’t my best friend. I’ve only ever had one of those. You’re not the only one who suffered. Seems stupid to continue suffering if we both want the same thing. I want you back in my life any way you’ll have me. If you want that too, take the step. You need to make the first move, but know that if you do, I’m all in.”
Lifting up on tiptoe, I pressed a kiss on his cheek. “Love you, Kane.”
And then I left. I knew he needed time to think.
Kane
I heard the boat moving away, but I stood frozen in my spot. I never thought I’d hear those words from her again. She loved me. Maybe I didn’t deserve it, but damn if I wasn’t greedy to hear her say it again. Having her near stoked the flames that never died in me. I loved her, always had.
I wasn’t good for her, though. I couldn’t give her all the things she deserved and I couldn’t be the man she deserved. At some point it was going to cause resentment, probably on both sides. And beyond that, I was a mess, an emotionally fucked-up mess. My therapist called them panic attacks, but they felt more like I was dying—fear so intense that I couldn’t breathe. My heart raced, my body shook, and for however long it lasted, I was completely crippled with fear. There were signs to alert me I was about to have one, heart palpitations, sweating, and shaking just before the full out attack. Apparently it was common after what I’d been through, but I knew from Mrs. Marks and the others that witnessing one was terrifying. When I’d told Tea what we’d had was over, I’d meant it. That died in the fire when the boy I was died. I wasn’t sure she’d be really thrilled with the man I’d become.
And even knowing that, I felt hope, because she wanted me—damaged and scarred, she still wanted me, and I wanted her. I’d take her any way I could have her. She was right that I was hiding from her, from life. She’d called me a coward and selfish, and at the time her words had felt like a kick in the gut. A kick that I’d apparently needed, because she wasn’t wrong about that either. I hadn’t realized my insecurities had morphed into cowardice until I saw myself through her eyes. A nasty reality check, but one I’d definitely needed.
Yet I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever conquer all of my insecurities. Even after nine years, I still found myself struggling to relearn everyday activities. The first time I went grocery shopping was a day-long event, locating what I needed in the store, buying the items, and getting them all home. The grocer had said I could call in my order and he’d get it ready for me, and sometimes I took him up on it. And sometimes I wanted the challenge, wanted to be able to buy my groceries like a sighted man. So I had learned to fold my money in different ways to distinguish the various denominations. I knew now I needed both Zeus and a person with me to help me locate the items that weren’t easily distinguishable by touch. I was adapting. It got a bit easier every day, but having lost my sight so abruptly, there really weren’t words to describe the fear and panic, the realization that my life was forever different, and the struggle to adapt to that life in the darkness. To make Tea struggle with me as I found my way again seemed wrong. Not to mention that if she ever witnessed me in a full-on panic attack, it would probably traumatize her and send her running back to Boston. And maybe that wasn’t being fair to Tea, but then again, she had no idea what life for me was like now. And even listing all the negatives, I wanted to try. I wanted her back, wanted to hear about her life, wanted to hear her laugh again. I wanted to sink myself deep inside of her and appease the hunger that never went away. I wanted to touch her, to feel her face, to see the woman she had become. To taste her on my tongue while hearing the sounds of loving she always made that drove me wild. I wanted my Tea, all of her, every inch of her, body and soul.
But to really have Tea, I needed to stop hiding and find my niche: somewhere I could still add value. I was limited in what I could do, but I knew myself well enough to know that, if I didn’t make something of myself, Tea and I were never going to work—my disability would always be there between us, at least for me.
Tea’s unexpected news about Mrs. Marks and her apparent secret about my mom was startling. My mom had left, for whatever reason, and stayed gone. Perhaps there was a perfectly logical explanation, but I wasn’t able to find one. No matter what the cause, she’d removed herself from my life. How does someone forgive that? I wasn’t sure I wanted to take Mr. Lawson up on his offer. I suspected that leaving that part of my past in the past might be the wiser choice.
The same couldn’t be said about Tea, though. She had visited the other day, offering the olive branch about the bakery. She’d even insulted my intelligence, and I knew she was trying to get me to engage. She said I needed to make the next move.
What should my next move be? I wanted to get to know who she was now . . . and there was the double-edged sword. If I learned all that she had accomplished in the time we’d been apart, I would understand exactly what she would be giving up to be with me. That seemed not only unfair but really fucking selfish on my part. I knew Tea loved me enough to give it all up, and that fact settled like lead in my gut. Tea was a college graduate, a business owner with a social life in Boston. How the hell could a blind guy with no job compete with that? And still, none of that was going to keep me from trying to win her back.
Teagan
Simon and I had just returned from another visit with Mrs. Marks. The doctors had planned on releasing her but decided to hold her for a few more days. Some of her numbers weren’t where they’d like them to be. I thought this wise—her speech was still disjointed, and she couldn’t focus for long. I wondered if maybe she’d had a stroke along with the heart attack, since her mind wasn’t quite there. I asked her doctors, but they didn’t readily answer.
Simon was in his room dealing with a problem from the shop. There was a chance he was going to need to leave for Boston. I hadn’t expected that he was going to stay with me the entire time, but I was going to miss his company. We’d never been that far from each other since becoming friends almost a decade earlier. It was going to be strange not seeing him every day.
It had been two days since I’d spoken to Kane regarding Mr. Lawson. He hadn’t made any attempt to talk to me. His absence was my answer, and, boy, did that hurt like hell. It seemed like the Kane I knew really was gone.
Walking down the lane around Raven’s Peak, I unsuccessfully tried to put Kane out of my head. I remembered Kane’s wish to turn the place into an inn. He was right, it would make a wonderful retreat for people, away from the beaten path but close enough to enjoy the offerings in town. And the town was different now—it had more trendy shops and sights worthy of seeing. We had always been a shore resort town, but in the years since I’d been gone, we’d turned into a resort, period. Any season held interest for visitors, whether it was the whale migration in the fall, the theater troupe that put on productions that were recognized as far down as Boston, or the holiday open houses where many of the older homes celebrated the season with a walking tour. An inn would do very well here, especially one with the view that Raven’s Peak had.
A warmth burned down my spine, drawing me from my thoughts, as I saw Kane walking down the lane. Zeus was with him, guiding him as Kane held on to the loop of the leather harness. My eyes burned at the sight—Kane was blind. I still hadn’t fully gotten my head around that, but there was a healthy dose of pride burning in me too, because, despite what had befallen him, here he was walking down the lane. Had it been me, I don’t know if I would have bounced back as well. Why was Kane walking down the lane? Was he looking for me? The thought was intoxicating.
Zeus barked as they approached, right before Kane said, “Tea?”
He was calling me Tea again; my heart swelled. “Yeah. How did you know where to find me?”
“Zeus found you.”
Smart dog. “Handsome and clever.”
The slightest of grins curved Kane’s lips. “Zeus or me?”
“Both.”
“Do you have a minute?”
“Yeah. I was just walking. I went to see Mrs. Marks earlier. They’re going to hold her for a few more days. She’s not quite herself; I think she may have had more than a heart attack.”
Concern clouded his expression. “Why do you say that?”
“She’s just out of it—not forming words, struggling with trying to communicate and not being able to. I don’t know, she’s just off.”
“Last time I was there, she was sleeping,” Kane said.
I wanted to know if he’d like to go with me to see her, but I didn’t let myself ask. He needed to make the next move, even knowing how much it would mean to Mrs. Marks to see the two of us together.
“You said I needed to make the first move. I want to make that move, Tea. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be the guy you deserve.”
“You already are.”
“I’m not, though. You loved the boy I was. He’s gone. The man in his place is bitter and angry. He can’t support himself the way he would like to and is constantly depending on others. He’s not much of a man.”
“Seems harsh. You can’t see; it’s a challenge, yes, that you need to rely on people more than you would like, but I don’t see how that makes you less of a man.”
“I lost the keys for the boat once. It took me two hours to find them.”
“You have people around you who, had you asked, would have helped you.”
“I shouldn’t need help finding fucking keys.”
“Again, you’re blind. Asking for help doesn’t make you helpless.”
“The fuck it doesn’t.”
“And that is where we disagree. You need to get past that, Kane, for your own sake, because you are always going to need help with something. Most people do. Why you see that as a weakness, I don’t know. You lost those keys, and yet you can drive that boat by yourself from the island to here. You sought me out and found me despite being blind.”
“Zeus found you.”
“But you walked from the beach here, yes? Nothing remarkable for a sighted person, but you are not a sighted person anymore. I didn’t even realize you were blind, even though I had seen you several times. You get around incredibly well for someone who can’t see.”
“How did you put it together?”
“I overheard your conversation with Mrs. T and watched as you got yourself a glass of milk.”
Another grin. “You and the eavesdropping.”
He was referring to our youth when I’d listened in on his conversation with Camille. “I only seem to do it when it relates to you.”
“I lied when I said I didn’t want to try.”
Hope stirred.
“I just don’t know where to go from here,” he added.
“Well, that makes two of us.”
“And I’m . . .” His head dropped, his shoulders slumped, and I knew what he was thinking. He was afraid, afraid to let me in, afraid to share the darkness with someone, because in doing so he would grow to need me. Which meant that losing me would destroy him.
“I’m not going to leave you.”
“I’m not the boy I was.” His words were barely audible.
“I’m not the girl I was.” I didn’t want to ask. I almost couldn’t get the words out, but I had to know: “Do you still love me?”
He looked up, his eyes aflame. “Never stopped, Tea. Mine forever, remember?”
Relief washed over me, so profound my legs nearly buckled under me. “Then give us a chance.”
We had just reached the house.
“Will you come upstairs with me?” I asked.
He hesitated, but I saw the answer before he nodded. Taking his hand, we started up the stairs. Zeus, realizing he wasn’t needed, went in search of food. I heard Mrs. T greeting him. We reached my room; he stepped into it a few paces farther than me.
“We can sit on the balcony,” I suggested, and he moved to it like he knew exactly where he was going.
“How did you do that?”
“I stayed here after the fire and memorized the room.”
Settling next to him on the little sofa, I asked. “How long did it take for you to heal?”
“Four years, closer to five.”
“Do you still feel pain?”
“No, the nerves are dead. It looks awful, but I feel nothing.”
“I don’t think it looks awful.”
He obviously didn’t agree, but he said nothing. I wanted to ask him about the fire and his recovery, but I just didn’t think he would tell me. Avoiding it completely seemed rude, so I said, “If you ever want to talk about that time in your life, I would really like to hear it.”
Nodding his head, so I knew he’d heard me, he still remained silent.
“Mr. Clancy mentioned you had been working with an architect back in the day, and that was the reason you didn’t join me right away when I left for Boston.”
“Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.”
“I love the house. It’s exactly as I saw it every time we discussed it.”
“I never saw it built, but the plans were perfect.”
“I love the window boxes.”
“Are they like the ones your dad hung for your mom?”
They were far nicer, because Kane had hung them for me. “Better.”
“I don’t think there’s anything in them, so if you want to add flowers, that would be nice,” he said.
“I’d like that.”
He turned toward the view, his shoulders sagging a little. “I missed you, Tea. No, that’s not a fair statement. That day when I called and told you I had found someone else, my spirit died right along with yours. There’s never been anyone else for me but you.”
I wiped at my damp cheeks. “It’s only ever been you for me. I tried to move on, tried to put you in the past like I thought you had done with me, but I never could. No one ever measured up. I didn’t want second best.”
“We lost a lot of time. Do you think we still have a chance?”
“I love you. You love me. Yeah, I think we have a better chance than most. You just can’t be afraid to reach for it, though I understand your hesitation,” I said softly. “You’ve been through a lot and, even though we’ve lost so much time, you’re still finding your way back. Maybe now I can be at your side while you figure it out.”
“I’d like that. We always were better together than apart,” he said.
“True.”
He stood and put some distance between us, his hands coming to rest on the balcony railing. I moved to join him, and, sensing me, he turned in my direction as I approached. I needed to see his scars, needed him to know they didn’t disturb me. Because he knew me so well, he knew what I wanted when I simply asked, “Kane. Could you remove your shirt?”
After a slight hesitation, he lifted his shirt over his head. When I saw his beautiful scarred skin, tears stung the back of my eyes, but I didn’t see anything ugly. Just the opposite.
“You’re beautiful, Kane. I hate what you went through, hate that I wasn’t there, but you are still as beautiful as you were when we were kids. You are not a burned freak, you’re mine. My Kane, remember?” My fingers ran over his scars, causing his body to tense. His eyes closed, and I realized that he hadn’t known the touch of a woman since me. And in that moment, all the men I had been with, the men I had used to bury my pain, every one of them felt like a betrayal to him. The tears just kept coming, but it didn’t stop me from pressing my lips to him, over the skin that was lasting proof of all he had given up to help another. His hands fisted at his sides.
“Touch me, Kane.”
Always so sure when they were on me, his hands were now reluctant, hesitant. Taking them into mine, I lifted them to my face. “It’s still me.”
His fingers gently traced me, learning me again: a delicate brush over my cheeks, lips, jaw. Feeling his touch again, my eyes closed. The emptiness that nothing ever seemed to fill no longer felt so vast.
“So fucking beautiful,” he whispered.
Lifting up on my toes, my mouth found his—a brushing of lips until his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close as he took the kiss deeper. His tongue ran over mine, tasting me, remembering, reclaiming. He pulled away from me to lift my shirt over my head, and my bra followed. His hands moved over me, touching me in that way that always made my body ache. His thumbs brushed over my nipples, his mouth moving to my neck and shoulder before meeting his fingers. His tongue flicked me, then he closed his mouth over one of those aching peaks and pulled it deep into his mouth.
Mindless with need, my fingers worked the snap of his jeans. I couldn’t believe I was feeling him under my fingers, couldn’t believe I was tasting him again. When he lifted me into his arms, neither of us saw my shirt; his toes must have gotten caught on it, and he fell on top of me so hard all the air was forced from my lungs. I couldn’t draw a breath. When his hands reached for me, they were shaking.
“Tea, are you okay?”
I couldn’t answer because I couldn’t breathe. I reached for his hands, but he knew something was wrong.
“What’s wrong? Jesus fucking Christ, Tea. Talk to me.”
I had never heard him so scared; he was shaking and yet he was furious. Air was slowly pushing into my lungs, and after a few minutes, I was finally able to speak, but he was practically mindless with worry and anger.
“I’m okay. Just had the wind knocked out of me.”
“Fuck! What are you doing? I can’t even carry you to the bed without causing you harm.”
He stood then and moved away from me.
“It’s going to take some time for both of us to adjust, but we can do this.”
“What happens if we’re swimming and you start to drown? How the fuck do I save you if I can’t even see you? What would happen if we ever had a child who got hurt, and I couldn’t find them? You’re not getting a man, you’re getting an invalid.”
“Stop hiding.”
“I’m not hiding, I’m being practical. My life has limits now. Yours doesn’t have to.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t want me with you. You built our home. I’m not giving up, Kane. I’m not ever going to give up on us.” Reaching for my bra and shirt, I dressed, my body aching but my heart aching more.
He turned from me, his beautiful scarred back and neck the vicious reminder of how everything was different now, how he was different, and how I was too. Different enough that I might not ever get my Kane back, but I didn’t care. I wanted him in any way I could have him. Grabbing his shirt from the floor, I pressed it into his hands. “I’ll send Zeus up.”
I started for the door but glanced at him from over my shoulder. “Love you, Kane.” His shoulders tensed, the only reason I knew he had heard me before I walked away.
Kane
I listened to Tea’s soft footsteps fade. Jesus, I could have really fucking hurt her. I hated being blind, hated the impotence more than the damn scars. Jerking my tee back over my head, I heard Zeus’s nails clipping on the wood.
I should be in her bed right now, buried in her, feeling her around me, hearing her come. Instead I’d knocked the fucking air from her lungs. She was right, we both needed to adapt, but the thought of unintentionally hurting her—fuck. I hadn’t, not this time. And if she were willing to take the chance, knowing she was the one likely to get hurt, I’d be the fucking coward she’d called me if I pulled away, knowing I wanted her more than anything.
And as much as I would like to claim that my knee-jerk reaction of pulling away from her was all in the name of wanting the best for her, it would have been a lie. I was a bit selfish and vain, because I wanted her to see me as a man, not as a blind man. And as unfair as it was for me to feel it, I hated that Tea was more careful around me now. It was subtle but undeniable. Like coming to me to ask me to dinner instead of just calling. I knew she was trying to be helpful, that she was offering to assist me because I was blind. But I was trying to prove to her that I was still capable, which was negated every time she put my blindness between us.
I couldn’t help but smile, though. She really had accepted without question the man I was now, and she still wanted to be with me. Suddenly my conviction of not wanting to force my life on her fell flat. She was right, the choice had been hers, and denying her that choice had been the height of selfishness on my part. And yet, even knowing I had put both of us through hell, separating us when we could have weathered the tragedy so much better together, a part of me still believed I had done the right thing. Knowing how strongly it had affected Mrs. Marks and the others being forced to watch my recovery, I think it would have been even harder on Tea. In fact, I think it would have been so hard on her it would have scarred her permanently, which would have forever altered our relationship. How would she be able to look at me and not see where I had been and just how far I had sunk? In the end, I think reconnecting with her as the man I was now, damaged and altered but not broken, gave us a better chance at rekindling what we’d had.
And I wanted us back; it was time to move forward, no more hiding. She’d said asking for help and being helpless weren’t the same. I wanted to believe that, and once upon a time I had, but I sort of lost that lesson in the years since the fire.
I knew the direction I wanted to go, had known for a long time where I saw my niche. Mrs. Marks was getting too old, as were the others. Running Raven’s Peak was becoming more than they could handle. She and I had discussed the idea of turning the place into Raven’s Peak Inn. She liked the idea, more if I was in charge of it, since I knew the place and would respect it. I wanted it too, and I knew she suggested it because she knew I needed to get back up on the horse. I had kept myself busy with things, but nothing that tested what I could and couldn’t do. I needed to understand my limitations. I feared they were far more than I wanted to admit, but I would never know until I tried.
Having a plan was one thing, but I didn’t know where to start. There was someone who could help me, however. “We’re going to the O’Malleys’, Zeus.”
I had walked the same way to town ever since I was a kid. I was sure I could do it without Zeus, not that I would ever attempt it. The O’Malleys lived just off Main Street. It was early, well, early for the O’Malleys who liked to sleep in whenever possible, but I needed to talk to Mr. O’Malley. He could help me hash out the ideas for the inn, since he had run his own business for years before the economy had crashed. Stepping up to the front door, it took me a minute to find the bell.
A few moments later, I heard the sound of feet, the unlocking of the door, then felt the swish of air as the door opened and heard the startled intake of breath.
“Kane? You okay?” Kathy asked. “Come inside. Hi, Zeus.”
Walking into the foyer, I stopped and waited for Kathy to close the door. She was always tense around me. I could feel the stress coming off her. I’d always had the sense that I made her uncomfortable, which made sense given how all this had happened. But there always seemed to be more to her discomfort than that.
“Is your dad home?”
“Yeah, I’ll go get him. Would you like to wait in the kitchen? I just made some coffee.”
“That’d be great.”
Following after her, I leaned up against the counter and listened to her moving through the kitchen as she prepared my coffee. “Black, right?”
“Yes.”
I felt her hand on mine, then the warmth of the mug as she pressed it into my palm. “Thanks.”
“I’ll go get my dad.”
Sipping the coffee, I listened to the stillness. The house wasn’t up yet. I felt bad about that. Cinnamon wafted toward me; Mrs. O’Malley had probably made one of her cinnamon Bundt cakes for dessert the night before. It was a damn fine cake, almost as good as Mrs. T’s creations.
Heavy footsteps down the stairs signaled the arrival of Mr. O’Malley. As was his way, he walked right up to me, taking my hand in a firm shake. “Kane. Everything okay?”
Lowering my head, I found my words caught in my throat for a moment. “Not entirely. I want a life with Tea and to do that I need to move forward—I never had a dad, but I kind of think of you as one. I’ve been stagnating.” My head lifted. “I need to stop hiding. I need to enter the world again as a blind man, need to find how I fit, but I’m not sure where to begin.”
He was crying. I could hear the tears in his voice. “You are a strong man, son. I can’t tell you how long I’ve, hell, how long we’ve all waited to hear you speak those words. Make no mistake, Kane, you’ve been through hell and you’ve come out on the other side. Maybe you disengaged, but I wouldn’t say you were stagnating. I realize much of the work you’ve occupied your time with since the accident were more hobbies than jobs, but you never stopped trying. And in the trying, you learned that your blindness isn’t as debilitating as you feared. Now that you’re ready, a good way to find where you fit is to figure out what you want to do with your life. Do you have any ideas?”
“I want to turn Raven’s Peak into an inn. I want to learn the ins and outs of a venture like that.”
“Sounds like a plan to me. So now you just need to learn the business.”
“How?”
“I can help. There are also online classes, but a lot of it is intuitive. Knowing you, you’ll pick it up really easily.”
“Will you help me?”
“Yes, I’ll help you.” I felt his hands on my shoulders. “I think of you as a son, Kane. I’m here for you. We all are.”
“Thank you.”
Teagan
I had no idea how much dirt a window box required. Simon and I had purchased four large bags, and each box took two. He was off buying us more so I could fill the four boxes that graced the front of the house. I hadn’t seen Kane since he’d suggested this—that was a few days ago. Hopefully he wasn’t having second thoughts; with how things were left, I wasn’t really sure.
The bright flowers looked so pretty against the creamy white of the box. I finished the two boxes and, while I waited for Simon, dug a little garden near the front stoop. Unlike the dirt, I had purchased too many flowers and thought a colorful garden by the door would be welcoming. Digging through the dirt, I uncovered so many worms. I grinned at the memory of Kane and his worm potpie when we were kids. I had never seen him look so grossed out. I lifted one of the little guys in my hand and felt its wet little body squirming. A heaviness settled in my chest remembering Kane when we were kids—he’d had so many dreams, like his wish to build a boat, and the fire had cost him all of them. Zeus appeared at my side. I was so startled I nearly tossed the worm.
“Tea?”
Hearing Kane’s voice pulled me from my forlorn thoughts. “By your front door. I was adding a garden just off the steps.”
“Sounds nice.”
A few seconds later, he was on the ground next to me. Reaching for his hand, I dropped the worm into his palm.
“Don’t eat him,” I teased.
The smile came in a flash. “I never did get you back for that.”
“You teased me enough growing up.”
“Maybe, but that trick was really disgusting.”
“Yeah, lucky for you that you didn’t just dig in to your dinner.”
“And that’s what made it so disgusting. The what-if.”
“The look on your face was classic. I should have gotten a picture.”
“You would have had it turned into wallpaper and papered your room with that instead of the blue silk.”
“Nope, the blue silk matches your eyes perfectly.”
“Could have had my whole grossed-out face.”
“Nope, your eyes were the very first thing I noticed about you when we met. Did you know that? Just those eyes, so blue.”
His smile faded. Touching his chin, I turned his head to me. “Just because they don’t see doesn’t mean they aren’t still the windows to your soul. I still see you, Kane. I can still see inside you.”
A light brushing of his fingers over my face told me he was reading my expression and could see that I wasn’t kidding. I meant every word. Cupping my chin, he brushed his thumb over my cheek. “Sorry about the other day. I could have really hurt you.”
“You are bigger than me Kane, but I’m not a doll. I’ve taken your weight before.”
“Not like that.”
“I’m still here. I still want to be here. I’m still going to eat all the cake Mrs. T has made for dinner.”
“Not if I get there first.”
“Is that a challenge, Kane Doyle?”
“Maybe not if it’s just cake, but for a kiss, absolutely.”
“Let me get this right. If you beat me back to the house, you get to kiss me?”
“Yep.”
“If I conceded you the victory, would you kiss me now?”
His voice grew hoarse. “Yeah.”
“You win. Kiss me, Kane.”
Cradling my face again, he kissed me like it was his job. His tongue pushed past my lips, stroking and warring with my own. I had never forgotten his taste; I loved it, was addicted to it. His fingers tightened on my scalp as he kissed me deeper. Pressing myself against him, I gave back as good as I was getting. We were both out of breath by the time we ended the kiss.
“Missed that,” he whispered.
“You and me both.”
Zeus growled. “Simon’s back. He went to get more soil for the boxes. Help me finish, and then we’ll get dinner and cake, and, later, maybe you’ll kiss me again,” I said.
“I like this plan.”
“I like you.”
The previous day had been a really good day. After we’d finished the window boxes, the three of us had gone to dinner at the house and after, while cuddling in the library, Kane had kissed me again. Simon had gone to bed early, but I suspected he hadn’t even been tired; he just wanted Kane and me to have time alone. For almost an hour, we’d made out like school kids on the sofa. On the surface, we were healing and finding each other again, but we weren’t scratching below the surface. I had a life in Boston, a life I wanted to share with Kane, but one I suspected he didn’t want any part of, since he barely engaged in his hometown. The idea that he’d travel all the way to Boston was laughable. And more than I perceived his need to separate himself from life, I knew he was holding a part of himself back from me—a part of him I no longer could touch. I’d had all of Kane. I wasn’t going to settle for just part of him. I knew that at some point, we would have to address where we saw ourselves going.
That morning I was helping Mrs. T make breakfast. She was preparing a coffee cake, one of Kane’s favorites, and teaching me as she went. The door opened and Kane appeared, Zeus at his side. He was carry something; it looked heavy and, from the flush on his face, I suspected he’d brought it all the way from his house.
“Let me get that for you,” I said as I approached him. He had done the hard part and could probably use the breather.
“I’ve got it, Tea.”
“I know, but you looked wiped. Let me help you.”
“Tea, I’ve come this far. I can finish.” I relented at the bite in his words.
“Okay.”
“Smells good, Mrs. T. Is that my coffee cake?”
“It is. I’m teaching Teagan, so she can make it for you herself.”
He grinned. “Nice.”
“Would you like some coffee?” I asked.
“I’ll get it.”
“Kane, I’m standing right here next to the coffee maker.”
“Tea, I’ve been making my own coffee since I was eleven, I can do it.”
Why was he being so stubborn?
“Fine.” I sounded like a child, but he was being difficult. He stiffened at my tone, but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“I’m going to the boatyard later. Do you need anything from the market, Mrs. T?”
“Apples. There aren’t as many as I thought, and I plan on whipping up an apple galette for dessert.”
A walk into town sounded nice, especially since the doctors were still running tests on Mrs. Marks. “I’ll come into town with you, and I’ll get the apples while you’re at the boatyard.”
“I’m going to be in town already. I can just as easily get the apples,” Kane replied, and there was definitely hostility coming off him now.
Throwing up my hands, a pointless gesture, since he wouldn’t see it, I said, “I’m just trying to help.”
“When I need your help, I’ll ask for it,” he snapped.
“But you don’t ask for help, because you think asking for help makes you look weak.”
There was no question what emotion fueled the thunderous expression on his face. “I’ll be in town if anyone needs me. Come on, Zeus.”
I wanted to stomp my foot, because I honestly didn’t know what I’d done wrong. Simon walked in at that moment. “Is Kane all right? He looked pretty angry just now.”
“He’s stubborn. I’ll be in my room.”
I heard Mrs. T as I left the kitchen say, “I guess there’s more coffee cake for you.”
“That is not a bad thing.” But I heard the worry in Simon’s voice.