Chapter Thirteen
Rider
I’d taken four at home pregnancy tests this morning, just to be sure. Excitement washed through me as I stared at the bright pink line of the test. There was no doubt now, I was definitely going to have a baby.
I tossed the test in the trash, and skipped down the steps two at a time. I assumed Jax would be in his office, he usually was this time of day. When I knocked on the heavy oak door, he called for me to come in. I pushed open the door, and found Emilia sitting in front of his desk, scribbling notes as he spoke. She glanced over and gave me a stiff smile. It had been a month since I’d married Jax and moved into this house. She still seemed to dislike me as much as the first day we’d met. I’d hoped she’d warm up to me eventually, but that didn’t seem likely at this point. I wasn’t sure what it was about me that annoyed her so much, but it was obvious she didn’t approve.
“I thought you’d be at work,” he said as I approached.
“We had parent teacher conferences, so it was a half day.”
“Nice.” He smiled pleasantly.
I stopped in front of his desk. “Do you have a minute?” I sounded breathless. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
He pulled off his reading glasses. “Of course.”
Emilia hadn’t moved or spoken. She sat as still as a statue, just staring. I gave her an uneasy glance, not sure if I should ask her to give us privacy or not. I’d pictured telling Jax I was pregnant in private, but it wasn’t like this was a normal relationship. There was no real reason I had to have Emilia leave so I could tell Jax my news in private, other than she made me uncomfortable.
I cleared my throat. “Um… I think I know why I’ve been so tired and feeling off lately.”
“Do you?” He raised his brows, looking interested.
I laughed gruffly. “I’m uh… I’m pregnant.”
He widened his eyes and he stood. “Really?”
Nodding, I glanced at Emilia. Her face was white as a sheet and her mouth a grim line. She seemed to catch herself when she noticed me looking at her. “Congratulations.” Her voice was wooden.
“Thanks.”
Jax came around the desk and surprised me by pulling me into his arms. He wasn’t usually demonstrative around the staff. He kissed me, tightening his grip, and I slipped my arms around his waist. It was awkward kissing him with Emilia staring at us, but anytime he wanted to touch me, I was willing. After a month of living with him, I could admit I was falling for him. It made me nervous to acknowledge the emotions he made me feel, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. He was everything I’d ever wanted in an alpha; sexy. Intelligent. Kind. It was impossible to pretend I didn’t care about him when I truly did.
He lifted his head, his eyes were warm. “This is great news.”
“Right?” I laughed, feeling happy at his response. When he looked at me that way, I could almost fool myself into believing we were a real couple.
He frowned. “We should make a doctor’s appointment immediately.”
“I will. I just wanted to tell you because I was so excited.” I grinned. “I used a whole box of pregnancy tests upstairs.”
He smoothed the hair off my forehead, his expression difficult to read. “We’re gonna have a baby.”
“Yep.” I grinned.
Emilia was still sitting in silence.
“We should celebrate,” Jax said. “I’ll take you out to dinner tonight.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I smiled.
“I want to.” He sighed, glancing at his desk. “I’ve been so busy lately. I feel like I’ve neglected you.”
His comment was interesting, especially since we spent every night together. “I’ve been fine.”
A line appeared between his brows. “Well, I still want to take you out tonight.”
“I’m always down for a little spoiling from my husband.” I smirked up at him.
Emilia cleared her throat. “If you don’t mind, we need to finish this up, Mr. Hamilton. I have an appointment this afternoon, so, I can’t stay late like usual.”
He gave her a curious glance, but then he let go of me reluctantly. “Work calls.”
“No problem.” I moved to the door. “What time did you want to eat?”
“Six sound good?” He put his glasses back on.
“Sure. See you then.” It wasn’t lost on me that Emilia didn’t say goodbye to me. I left the room, shaking my head. I usually got along with people easily. Mrs. Lane and the rest of the staff seemed to like me. It was really only Emilia who had seemed to dislike me on sight. I’d tried talking to her to see if maybe she was just shy, but she always made an excuse to leave the conversation. I needed to face the fact that for whatever reason, she simply didn’t like me.
Since I had a few hours to kill before I needed to get ready for dinner, I went to my studio to paint. It was such a pleasure now to merely go to my studio and create. The way I’d had things set up at my old apartment, I’d had to rearrange everything before I could start painting. It had been such a chore I’d often just not bothered. But I’d missed painting. I’d missed tapping into that artistic side of myself I often neglected. But now, thanks to Jax, all I had to do was come in this room, put on my smock, and start painting.
I grabbed my brushes and sat on the stool in front of my work in progress. It was hard to concentrate because I was excited about my pregnancy. I’d wanted this for so long, it felt like a miracle that it was finally happening. I was curious to see what kind of a father Jax would make. I had a feeling he’d be amazing, once he had a little guidance. When I thought about how he’d been when I’d first met him, he seemed like another person. He was much warmer than I’d have suspected.
The look he got on his face when he was inside me. I sucked in a breath, and shivered. God, his dark eyes got so intense as he watched me during sex. Just thinking about him now turned me on. I glanced at the big desk in the corner and smiled. How many times had he fucked me on that thing now? It was impossible to keep count because he fucked me a lot. In the morning. At night. During the night. In here, in the afternoon. I licked my lips and set my brush down. I really hoped one day he’d grow to love me. Then I’d truly have it all; my alpha and a family.
There was a soft knock on the door, and my pulse spiked with hope that it was Jax. “Come in.”
Unfortunately, when the door pushed open slowly, it was Emilia who stood there, looking dour. “Sorry to bother you.”
“It’s fine.” I swiveled my stool to face her, trying to hide my disappointment.
She came in and closed the door behind her. Her jaw was tense and her expression frigid. “Mr. Hamilton mentioned you wanted to redecorate some rooms in the house.” She sounded disapproving.
“Yes.”
“He said you wanted to redo the living room and his bedroom?”
“Our bedroom.”
She grimaced. “Yes. Of course.” She frowned. “May I ask why you feel the need to do that?”
“Well, you must admit the place could use some updating. The decor is very dated.”
“I think it’s lovely.”
I hesitated. “Well, I guess we have different tastes.”
“Apparently.” She sniffed. “Are you sure this isn’t just your attempt to erase Thomas?”
I widened my eyes. “Excuse me?”
Her jaw tightened. “You can’t, you know. Thomas will never be forgotten.”
Frowning, I said, “Emilia, I have no desire to erase Thomas.”
She looked unconvinced.
“I’m not saying the whole house needs redecorating.” I hoped my tone was conciliatory because I really didn’t want to fight with her. “But I thought the living room and our bedroom could be updated because those are the two rooms Jax and I spend the most time in.”
“Hmmm.” She pulled her dark brows together.
“Was there anything else?”
She nodded slowly. “Oh, yes.”
I smiled patiently. “What else did you want to say?” Maybe this was good. Maybe we could move forward if we cleared the air between us.
She shifted uneasily. “I worry that you’ve forgotten why you’re here.”
I frowned. “I don’t understand.”
She moved closer, her eyes dark. “No one will ever mean as much to Jax as Thomas did. No one will ever replace Thomas. Certainly not someone like you.”
Shocked at her aggression, I stood. “I’m… I’m not trying to replace Thomas.” Of course, that wasn’t completely true. I did hope that Jax could learn to love me and stop grieving for Thomas. But I was realistic enough to realize he’d always still love Thomas. “And, what do you mean ‘someone like me’?”
“Thomas was exceptional. Thomas was special.”
And by default, I’m not. Got it.
“Look… I’m not sure why you don’t seem to like me. I’d actually hoped we could be friends.”
She scowled. “Friends?”
“Yes. Why not?”
“Because Thomas was my dear friend, and the love of Mr. Hamilton’s life, and you’re trying to replace him.”
“No. I’m not.”
“Jax will never get over Thomas. Never.”
“I… I know he loved Thomas, but—”
Her eyes bugged. “He didn’t just love Thomas.” She gave a shrill laugh. “He worshiped him.”
I hated that her words fed my insecurities. I already knew that Jax had loved Thomas, but I wanted to believe he could love again. Maybe even love me. But she seemed so certain that was impossible. Was she just delusional, or was I fooling myself that Jax might ever truly love me? I swallowed hard and gathered my pride. “I don’t know that any of this is your business, Emilia.”
“Oh, it’s my business all right. I adored Thomas, and his memory will not be forgotten. I won’t allow that.” She clenched her fists. “They dreamed of living here together one day.” Her dark eyes gleamed with frustration. “If he hadn’t died… he’d be here, instead of you. He’d be the master of this house.”
I winced inwardly because that was the truth. Jax had wanted all of this with Thomas, and I was only here now because Thomas was dead. “Emilia… Jax is alive and he has a right to live his life.”
She ignored me and hissed, “The very idea that you would come into this home and try to change things—” Her face was red and her eyes angry. “You can’t replace him. It’s useless to even try. Jax will always love Thomas. Changing the paint and curtains won’t get rid of his memory.”
“I’m not trying to get rid of his memory.”
“Of course you are.” She sneered. “If I were you, I’d focus on the nursery. Have you forgotten that’s the only reason you’re here? Focus on having babies, and don’t tamper with things.”
Insecure or not, my anger finally came to the rescue. “You should go. I don’t think Jax would appreciate you talking to me this way.”
“Someone had to remind you of why you’re really here,” she snapped.
My face warmed. “It’s not your place to comment on my relationship with Jax.”
She laughed dismissively. “Are you actually foolish enough to think Jax will ever love you?”
Heat crept up my neck to my cheeks. “None of this is any of your business.”
“I disagree. I couldn’t stay silent another minute. It’s bad enough having an outsider here, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let you come in and erase Thomas from Jax’s heart.”
Exhaling with frustration, I said, “Emilia, for the last time, no one wants to erase Thomas.”
“Liar. I can see you trying to insinuate yourself into Jax’s affections. It won’t work. You’re little more than an incubator for Jax’s heir. He picked you because he didn’t want a real relationship. He was very clear about that. Now you’re going around trying to pretend you belong here. It’s ludicrous.”
As angry as her word made me, my stomach ached because she was right. He hadn’t sugar coated what he’d wanted from me. He’d purposely picked me because he knew I’d be desperate enough to accept a loveless union. And I’d gone for his crazy proposal too. Now suddenly I was thinking this relationship could be more? Simply because he liked fucking me? As much as her words got to me, I tried to hide it. I hardened my jaw and said, “Whether he’s in love with me or not, I highly doubt Jax would appreciate you talking to me this way.”
She narrowed her eyes. “If you tell Mr. Hamilton any of this, I’ll simply deny it.”
“Is that right?”
She laughed harshly. “Yes. I’ve been with him for decades. Who do you think he’ll believe?”
Was she right? I hadn’t known Jax nearly as long as she had. She was a trusted and valued employee, and yet, when Jax looked at me lately, I’d swear there was real affection there for me. Maybe he wasn’t in love with me, but he did seem to care about me. “I guess we’ll see.”
Her face flushed. “What does that mean?”
“It means maybe I’ll call your bluff, and let Jax know what you’ve said here today. Then we can see who he believes.”
She narrowed her eyes. “That won’t go well for you. I’d rethink that if I were you, Rider.”
I leaned toward her, feeling confused, but angry. “I think we’re done here.”
She huffed and turned to leave, she hesitated with her hand on the doorknob. “I feel sorry for you. It must be horrible to love someone who can never love you back.” She left the room, banging the door shut behind her.
A cloud of depression settled on me after she’d gone. What had I gotten myself into? I was falling in love with a man who’d made a point of telling me he didn’t want that. Emilia was right about one thing; I had forgotten the rules of my agreement with Jax. I’d allowed myself to pretend Jax could love me one day. Jax hadn’t made any promises of love. He’d promised to take care of me financially, and he was doing that. He’d said we’d have babies together, and he’d gotten me pregnant. But he’d never said he’d love me. In fact, he’d said the opposite. So what kind of an idiot allowed themselves to hope for love in circumstances like these?
I groaned and tossed my paint brush down. I wasn’t going to say anything to Jax about my talk with Emilia. To do that meant I’d have to admit why Emilia had felt the need to talk to me in the first place. She’d seen me falling for him, and she’d simply reminded me of what I’d already agreed to. Yes, she’d been rude as fuck when she did it, but she hadn’t been wrong. A part of me did want the memory of Thomas erased. I wanted to take his place in Jax’s affections. I wanted Jax to love me, and put the past behind him. That was way too humiliating to admit. God, no, I’d definitely keep the details of this conversation with Emilia a secret.
I touched my stomach, and my heart ached. I was carrying Jax’s child. We were going to have a baby, and for the sake of this unborn child, I needed to control my foolish emotions. Jax wouldn’t want me around if I made him uncomfortable. He’d probably be horrified to learn I’d allowed my emotions to run wild, dreaming of the day when he’d love me.
I winced. God. What had I been thinking? He’d said he wanted to be more than just business partners, but he’d never once said anything about falling in love. This baby was coming into this world because I’d signed a contract with Jax. This child hadn’t been conceived in love. Far from it. I needed to remember that. It was imperative that I remembered that.