Chapter Nine
Rider
Once we’d decided on a tree, one of the guys from the tree lot helped tie it to the top of Jax’s car. When the bark scraped against the car’s paint, Jax winced a few times, but he didn’t say a word. Since Jax hadn’t had a tree in years, we stopped at a department store on the way home so I could run in and grab some decorations. Jax stayed at the car with the tree so no one stole it. Not that the big noble would have been easy to run off with, but Jax hadn’t seemed interested in picking out ornaments anyway, so it made sense he stayed in the car.
When we got home, with the help of the gardener, we managed to get the huge tree inside the house and in the stand. Jax looked a little lost at first and it became obvious to me he really wasn’t used to doing anything himself. His staff truly did take care of all the little details of his life. I had no doubt he was a commanding, and imposing figure in a business meeting, but I doubted he’d know how to vacuum or even make a cup of tea if he had to. Decorating a tree was definitely out of his comfort zone, but I didn’t let him off the hook. I had the gardener go get a big ladder, and then I insisted Jax helped me string the lights on the tree. If we were going to be a family, then he needed to get into the habit of taking part in holiday traditions. Our kids would be happier if he pitched in. I didn’t want an aloof alpha who sat on the couch while the rest of the family did everything.
I set up my phone to stream Christmas music, and then I had Jax climb up the ladder while I fed him the string of lights. At first he looked like he wished he was anywhere but where he was, but eventually he started humming along to the songs, and he seemed to relax. The tree was large enough that it took us hours to decorate. We did take a short break to eat dinner, but then we went back to finish the tree. Even I was tired by the time we had all the ornaments hung. Once all the decorations were on the tree, we plugged in the lights, and stood back to examine our work.
“It looks good, right?” I rested my hands on my hips, taking in the brightly lit tree. I’d grabbed silver tinsel while in the store, and the colorful lights reflected off the little iridescent strands, giving the tree an almost magical appearance.
“Gorgeous.” He nodded.
I frowned at the bottom of the tree. “Next year we’ll have presents.”
“Oh.” He grimaced. “God, I’m really out of practice at this whole Christmas thing.”
I laughed. “I know.”
He rubbed his jaw. “Do you want to go back out and shop?”
Surprised at his offer, I shook my head. “No. It’s too late in the day. The stores will be packed.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll do better next year.” He sounded sincere.
“Don’t feel bad. I didn’t shop either. There was way too much going on this year.” I shrugged. “We have a good excuse for failing miserably this year. But next year, we’ll both need to step up our game.”
He brightened. “Hey, at least Mrs. Lane said the house lights will be up by tomorrow. That’s something.”
“Just under the wire. Do you realize tomorrow is Christmas Eve?”
He gave a gruff laugh. “Usually Christmas Eve is just annoying because I can’t get any business done.” He shifted his gaze to me, and his expression was odd. “All I ever do is work.”
“You’ll have to change that.”
He just stared, not speaking.
“I mean, once we have kids, you’ll need to be around more.” I didn’t presume he’d slow down his work schedule for me, but once we had babies, he’d need to be involved.
“I guess we’ll worry about that once you get… pregnant.”
My stomach fluttered at that word, and I gave an awkward laugh. “Yep.”
We both startled when the door to the living room opened, and Mrs. Lane came in carrying a tray. “Hot chocolate and fresh baked sugar cookies.” She smiled and set the tray on the coffee table. Her cheeks were flushed as she straightened. “Oh, my.” She gasped when she saw the tree. “That’s lovely.”
Pride swelled in my chest, and I smiled at Jax. “It was fun decorating together.”
Jax nodded. “Yeah. It actually was.”
Mrs. Lane laughed. “It’s wonderful to have a tree again. It feels like Christmas now.”
Frowning, Jax said, “We don’t have any presents though.”
“Oh, that’s fine. Christmas isn’t about the presents.” She gave Jax an affectionate glance.
“Pretty sure the rest of the staff wouldn’t agree. If I didn’t give out the Christmas bonuses, I’d hear about it.” He smirked.
She chuckled and moved to the door. “I don’t need a bonus. I’m just happy to see you smiling again.” She left the room, closing the door behind her.
He looked nonplussed at her response, but I just went over and helped myself to some hot chocolate and cookies. After a few moments, he joined me, sitting next to me on the couch. As the light faded, we sat in companionable silence, listening to numerous versions of Jingle Bells and other Christmas classics. The tree was even more magnificent against the backdrop of night, and I sighed and settled back on the sofa.
“This is nice,” Jax said softly.
“I agree.” I smiled.
“I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed listening to Christmas music.” The room was dim, and his expression was hard to read, but the tree gave off just enough light that I caught his wince. “Well, actually, I do remember the last time.”
“It was with Thomas?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry if this is bringing back painful memories.”
“No. This is good.” He glanced at me. “I’m enjoying being with you.”
Surprised at his admission, I smiled. “Back at you.”
He helped himself to another cookie, and I watched him. I wanted to ask him about Thomas. It was weird being in a relationship with him, but not knowing much about the person who prevented him from ever loving me. Not that Jax falling in love with me would have ever been a given, but the fact that he didn’t want to fall in love because of Thomas made it harder. Thomas had been gone twenty years. Why did he still have such a strong hold over Jax’s heart?
“How did he die?” I asked softly.
Jax stiffened and didn’t respond.
Feeling breathless, I said, “I don’t think it’s wrong of me to be curious.”
“It’s not wrong.” His voice was hushed.
“But you just don’t want to tell me?” Maybe it was illogical, but his unwillingness to talk kind of hurt my feelings. Thomas had been gone decades, but I was here now. I was his omega. It seemed like I had the right to know about something that had impacted him so greatly. “You said we’d be friends and companions. How do we do that if there’s this big part of you you don’t like to share?”
“What does it matter how he died?”
“It doesn’t, I guess.”
“Then why ask?”
I sighed. “Thomas is like this presence between us. It’s unspoken, but he’s always there.”
“He’ll always be there, Rider.” His voice had an edge.
I grimaced. “I know. I just mean, we should be able to talk about him.”
He set his mug down on the coffee table, and he faced me. “Is this going to be a thing?”
I frowned. “Is what going to be a thing?”
“Thomas.”
“He’s already a thing.” I laughed gruffly. “Mostly because you clam up if I ask questions.”
He leaned toward me, and growled, “This is a business relationship. I don’t owe you access to my innermost thoughts and feelings.”
The harshness of his voice caught me off guard, and was surprisingly hurtful. “Then don’t expect us to be close friends,” I snapped.
He didn't respond immediately, but when he did, I sensed he was trying to control his emotions. “I’m not trying to be secretive. Talking about him depresses me. Okay?”
“Fine,” I said frostily.
He exhaled roughly. “So now you’re mad?”
Was I mad? Not exactly. I was more hurt. His unwillingness to talk about Thomas did make me feel weird, but my feelings were more bruised by his reminding me this was just a business deal. Why? This was just a business deal. Why would it matter that he’d reminded me of that fact? This whole unorthodox situation was making me crazy. I wasn’t generally a needy guy, but this marriage of convenience thing was screwing with my head. The problem might lie in the fact that, while this was just supposed to be a business deal, there were moments that felt like a real relationship. I was hugely attracted to Jax, and almost felt like, if I let myself, I could fall for him. But he didn’t want me to fall for him. He absolutely rejected that very idea; because of Thomas. Because of a lover who’d been gone twenty years.
I knew this going in. Why is this bothering me?
I didn’t respond to him because I was afraid of what I’d say. I was a hair away from telling him I wanted out of the marriage. I’d thought I could keep my distance emotionally, but I was struggling with that. Obviously. But I also felt he’d been unrealistic too. To think we could be a ‘family’, but not be emotionally open with each other, was naive. The more I was around him, the more I’d grow attached. Maybe it would have been best if we lived apart. I didn’t think I could spend my days with him and not want a deeper connection. I wasn’t built like that. If he was boring and unattractive, maybe this arrangement wouldn’t be so hard. But he wasn’t either of those things. He was everything I’d want in a mate, but he just saw me as a business partner.
“Rider, talk to me.” His tone was guarded.
“I’m thinking.”
“So… tell me what you’re thinking.”
I rolled my eyes. “No thanks.”
“Oh, really? Why not?”
“Because you don’t get access to my innermost thoughts and feelings either.”
He exhaled impatiently. “So now you’re going to sulk?”
“I guess so.”
“That’s immature.”
“Then I guess I’m immature.” I stood and grabbed my phone, shutting off the Christmas music. “I’m going to my room.”
“Damn it,” he stood and followed me. “We were having a nice evening.”
I chuffed. “You mean you and Thomas?”
“Nice. Mock me why don’t you?”
“Hey, you’re the one who said he’ll always be there between us.”
“You’re over reacting.”
Sighing, I muttered, “Maybe I am, Jax. But mostly I’m just trying to find my way through whatever the hell this is we’ve agreed to. I don’t know how to be half in a relationship. Obviously it’s not a problem for you, but it is for me.”
“I’m not half in.”
“It feels like you are.”
“I’m not,” he said, sounding frustrated.
Grimacing, I said, “It doesn’t matter. I’m not actually going to my room to sulk. I’m going there because this whole thing will be easier to do if we aren’t around each other too much.”
He scowled. “What does that mean?”
“It means I need space from you. We don’t need to be around each other all the time. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go to a movie. I used to do that with Dale on Christmas Eve, I’ll just keep that tradition by myself from now on.”
He pulled his brows together, looking confused. “You don’t want to be here for Christmas Eve? What about the tree? Why did we get a damn tree?”
“We shouldn’t have.”
“Oh, awesome. Now you say that?” He looked pissed.
“What does it matter? This is a business arrangement, remember? Maybe you can write the tree off on your taxes.” I opened the door and headed for the stairs.
I was surprised when he followed me up the steps. “I told you I’m not trying to be secretive. It’s painful to talk about Thomas.”
“Then don’t.”
“But you’re still mad?”
“I’m not mad.”
He gave a harsh laugh. “Bullshit.”
“I’m frustrated. Not mad.” We reached the landing, and moved down the hall toward my room. When I reached my door, he grabbed my arm. I met his angry stare. “Let go.”
He loosened his grip, but he didn’t release my arm. “What’s your plan? To never see or talk to me?”
“No. I didn’t say that. I still have my obligations to fulfill.”
He raked a hand through his hair. “I don’t understand you.”
“Ditto.”
“Tell me what you expect from me. You run hot and cold, Rider. I don’t know what the fuck you want from me.”
I swallowed hard. “I’m trying to find a way to make this work.”
“By never being around me?”
“You’re not listening. We made a business contract to have kids with each other. But that’s it. We don’t have to be around each other all the time, pretending we’re a couple. That’s what’s got me twisted up inside.”
“But why?”
“Because I’m confused. Downstairs, I was trying to connect with you like I would my alpha, but you shut me down. You reminded me what this is between us, and maybe that was a good thing. I think I needed that.”
He let go of me, but the warm imprint of his hand remained. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
Shocked at his apology, I frowned. “But you were right. I needed to be reminded of what this really is.”
He blew out an impatient breath. “I enjoyed today. I… I don't want you to go see a movie tomorrow.” He hesitated. “Without me.”
My heart squeezed at his plaintive tone. “Why?”
He rubbed his hand over the nape of his neck. “I don’t know.”
I laughed stiffly. “You don’t know?”
“All I know is I was enjoying sitting with you and listening to Christmas music.” His mouth hardened. “And the next thing I knew; you were pissed off at me again.”
“Jax,” I said in frustration. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m acting nuts because I don’t know how to be around you and not want more.”
Shifting uneasily, he said, “But we agreed to this.”
“And I’m trying to keep my agreement with you. But in order to do that, I can’t be around you too much.”
He inched closer. “Well, I don’t like it.”
The heat from his body, and the clean scent of him had my pulse speeding. “I think it’s for the best.”
“You’re still my omega.” His nostrils flared. He was obviously confused too, and feeling territorial.
“It’s just a movie.”
His jaw tensed. “I’m going with you.”
I sighed. “Why?”
“Because I want to.”
“You’re making it harder on me,” I said quietly.
“I don’t care.” There was a stubborn tilt to his mouth.
It was difficult to think with him so close to me, did he know that? Was he trying to confuse me more? “Why do you never play fair?”
He lowered his head, and his lips were just inches from mine. “Come on, Rider. Let me come with you,” he whispered.
I shivered. “You’re a bastard.” He wasn’t even touching me, but I felt weak in the knees.
A gloating smile hovered on his lips. “I like that you want me. I like that you get breathless when I’m close to you.”
“Do you? I find it annoying.”
He licked his lower lip. “Tomorrow afternoon, we’ll go see your movie, but then we’ll come back here, and sit by the tree together.”
“Oh, really?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I enjoyed doing that with you.”
“Making all my decisions for me again?” I muttered.
“You want it too.”
I’d have loved to tell him he was wrong, but he’d have known I was lying. I wanted to be around him, and it excited me that he wanted that too. But hanging out with him wasn’t going to help my confused state any. “What are my plans for Christmas day?” I asked sarcastically.
His lips twitched. “Mrs. Lane is making us a big turkey dinner, just like you wanted.”
“I didn’t ask her to do that.”
“No. I did.” He pressed closer. “I want you to be happy.”
The heat of his body against mine made me wish he’d kiss me. I was annoyed with how my body responded to him, but unable to control my need. “Sure. You want me happy, just so long as I don’t dare ask personal questions.”
He lifted his head, his eyes dark. “I told you I was sorry.”
I lifted my brows skeptically.
“You don’t believe me?”
I shrugged.
Pulling in a shaky breath, he said, “You… you can ask me things.”
I frowned. “Even about… Thomas?”
A muscle jerked in his cheek. “Yes.”
I studied him dubiously.
He cleared his throat. “Thomas died in a car accident. He’d gone skiing with friends, and the car went off the side of the mountain.”
“Oh, my God.” Shock radiated through me.
He held my gaze steadily, but his voice shook as he continued, “I didn’t go on the trip because I had a huge final to study for.”
I stared at him, horrified.
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “So for the last twenty years I’ve struggled with guilt.”
“Guilt?”
“I should have been there. I should have protected him. Maybe if I’d been there, I could have somehow saved him.”
I shook my head. “Or you’d have just died too.” The thought of that had me feeling sick to my stomach.
His eyes glittered with pain. “I’ll never know.”
Without thinking, I put my arms around him and pulled him close. He stiffened at first, but then he relaxed into me, sliding his arms around my waist. His breath was hot against my neck, and he exhaled a long, weary breath. “I’m glad you didn’t go skiing that day,” I whispered, stroking his back. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
His voice was husky as he said, “I’m not even close to okay.”
He sounded so forlorn, my heart ached for him. “You will be.”
He tightened his arms. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
I gave a short laugh. “Good, cuz I don’t want to be hurt.”
His laugh was muffled against my shoulder.
“Thank you for telling me,” I said softly.
“Yeah.” He straightened, and his eyes were red rimmed. “Shit. Why am I so damn emotional?”
“You? I’ve been flying off the handle left and right.”
“What a pair we are.” He stepped back, wiping at his eyes.
“Hey, we survived our first real fight.” I smiled.
“And they said it wouldn’t last.”
I studied his handsome face, my heart tugging at the sad tilt of his mouth. “I hope they’re wrong.”
“About us lasting?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, I hope so too.”