Almost a year of helping Kay with her wedding planning is killing me. There's no way I could have gone on for 8 more months without exploding.

They got engaged in less than 3 months, why they're taking a year and a half to plan the wedding is beyond me!

OK. That's not true.

"Calm, down, Kim," I tell my reflection in a warning tone while I shake my hands to calm my nerves. "You're just deflecting because you're nervous," my reflection replies-- like it's any calmer than I am.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for a date. My first date. With my fiance...sorta. Instead, I'm standing in front of my bathroom mirror, getting a pep talk from my own reflection while I try to avoid a melt down. Like a literal melt down. If I don't get myself under control, I am absolutely convinced that there's not going to be anything left of Kimberly but a puddle on the floor after my brain short circuits.

It didn't take Kay long to figure me out after she and Brent got engaged.

It's true, I was pretty jealous.

I've been planning my wedding since I was 9. I have a hope chest in my closet filled with color swatches and magazine articles that I started collecting in the 6th grade. I know what dress I want, I know what h'orderves I'm going to serve, I even know what music I'll play.

Helping Kay plan her own big day finally got to me, I guess.

I just want my own turn.

Oh crap!

That just reminded me.

It might be my turn soon.

I start pulling dresses off the hangers that I have hung over the back of the door and trying them on. One after another they go one, come off, and hit the bathroom floor.

Where is my bestie when I need her?!

Sigh. Kay is busy doing wedding shit. Like she has been for almost a year now. She wasn't even able to be part of my team for this crazy process I've been going through for the last few months.

But she is the reason I found Raven Swann. And Raven Swann is the reason I'm about to meet the man I will probably marry. And meeting the man I will probably marry is the reason I can't decide what to fucking wear!

Breathe, Kim, breathe!

I drop another dress on the floor in a blur of burgundy and grab the puddle of teal back up in a daze.

The phone rings and I look down at it sitting on the edge of the sink. It's Mom. Oh shit, it's Mom. Mom is who's coming to get me to take me to meet him...what's his name?

"Mom?!" I can't pick the phone up because my hands are busy behind me trying to zip up this dress and my brain somehow has decided that my hands must keep doing what they're doing...I hear an internal voice counting down to imminent melt down...I use my elbow to tap the screen and immediately start screaming at my mother, "What's his name? I can't remember his name!"

"Ryan." Mom's voice is clear and calm and business as usual in a way that totally fails to calm me down.

"His name is Ryan, Honey," Mom says like it's any other blind date, or like she's known him forever.

I manage to knock my phone into the bathroom sink with my elbow shenanigans, but I got the zipper of the dress all the way up so I consider it a win. Besides, the sink is dry, no harm, no foul.

Of course, Mom has known Ryan for awhile now. About 6 months, in fact. Mom knows Ryan, she know his brother, she knows his parents, and she knows his high school baseball coach-- because those are the people he chose to pick a wife for him and they are the people who've been interviewing me for almost 6 months now.

"Are you almost ready?" Mom's calmness is doing nothing for my nerves, "I'm just getting ready to leave for your place, your sister is going to meet us there."

"Um," I look around my bathroom frantically, trying to assess the situation, "yeah, almost, Mom. I'll see you in a few."

Lies! I tell my mother lies! I'm nowhere near ready. I'm not even sure I like this dress.

"OK, Hun," Mom says, "I'll be there in a little bit."

The line goes dead and I realize I have about half an hour before she's knocking on my door. Shit! I don't have time to find anything better to wear, this dress will have to do.

I manage to turn my naturally wild curls into soft ringlets without burning myself, apply mascara without stabbing myself in the eye, and then drown my cell phone when I turn on the water without looking before remembering that the thing is still in the sink.

Wrapping it in a towel, I run for the kitchen and throw it into the rice, hoping for the best while I start the hunt for shoes.

About a month after Kay got engaged, she finally got in my face and gave me hell till I admitted I was jealous of her and Brent.

I'm sure it wasn't a big surprise, she got all her bride magazines from me, after all.

While Kay was spending her early 20s going out clubbing and dating and enjoying being single until she got sick of the scene and got serious about finding the right guy, I've been planning my wedding since I was a kid.

I've had a subscription to Modern Bride since my first boyfriend my freshman year of high school.

By the time I was 20, I'd already figured out that love is just like team sports-- girls like me don't get picked first.

Meeting Kay in college was a painful reminder of just how unfair life can be. Then I watched her go through a ton of losers who never saw past her body. I helped her eat a lot of ice cream and drink a lot of wine while we nursed each other through a string of broken hearts.

OK-- most of mine were over guys who didn't even know I existed, but unrequited love is still love, and those heart breaks when which ever crush changed his relationship status were just as rough.

So Kay is how I found out about Raven Swann. All this time, I thought Kay and Brent had met through a pretty ordinary dating website. I guess I wasn't paying that much attention to the details.

Turns out, they were matched by a professional marriage broker.

Kay gave me her number when I finally poured my heart out to her about how over dating I am. How bad I wish I could just find a good man-- the right man-- skip the drama and the bullshit, settle down and start a family.

I can't believe I didn't pay more attention when Kay was going through the process, but we were living in different cities at the time while I worked on my masters degree.

That's why she says she didn't have me on her "team," the group of people from your personal life that Raven uses to help find your perfect mate.

Just like Kay didn't get to be on my team because of her wedding planning.

There's a knock on my front door and I hear my mom calling my name.

I hop-run to the door with one shoe on and unlock it for her.

"Is that what you're wearing?" My mother says with that unmistakable mom-voice that makes it abundantly clear that what I'm wearing is not what she thinks I should be wearing.

I stand up and look at her, my hips uneven, with one knee bent so I can even out my stance between the bare right foot and the left foot that has the 3 inch heel on, and start bawling.