Chapter 3
Shanda looked at her bag again, double-checking that she had everything she would need—a shawl to sit on, her contributory bottle of wine, and her cheap, but decent-looking plastic glasses. Shanda didn’t really want to go on a picnic, but the lure of being close to Ralph was too tempting. They spent most of their lunches together or dinners, but nothing else had happened again between them. Much to her disappointment.
She closed her door, journeyed down the hall and knocked on Flora’s door, hollering, “Are you ready yet? Come on. Get a move on. Let’s get going.”
“Not yet, cool your jets. Come on in,” Flora called out in reply.
Shanda pushed the door open. As expected, Flora was nowhere close to being ready. She was in her bra and matching white panties, frantically running around in the cramped space of her room.
“I don’t know what to wear,” Flora cried.
She flung tops and skirts in a frenzy. She grunted in rage each time she looked at a different piece of clothing. The type of grunt that said ‘no way am I ever wearing this again. Might as well throw it in the trash because it makes me look like some kind of mutant.’ Shanda knew that noise well, and the frustration her friend was experiencing. She was no stranger to that, either. But she was growing impatient. She wanted to yell at Flora to just pick something already.
“Why am I not surprised?” Shanda mumbled under her breath, and loud enough for Flora to hear, she said, “It’s just a picnic.”
“Just a picnic?” Flora looked horrified. Her eyes popped wide open as she shot a glare at Shanda. Her red hair fanned out as she turned to look at her. “Are you mad? Ralph’s friends will be there, and they are HOT.”
“Yeah and so will Michelle’s giggly friends. Anyway, we need to get moving, we’re running pretty late.”
“How do you manage to pick the perfect outfit for every occasion?” Flora moaned. “What will I wear?” she screamed, sounding like a two-year old on the verge of a tantrum.
Shanda laughed. “Relax, we’ll find you something.”
She did not mention that she had spent over an hour herself picking out her outfit. She wore faded jeans with a pink spaghetti top and a light sweater.
Flora continued to rummage through the massive pile of clothes on the floor (Shanda had no idea if these were clean clothes, dirty clothes, or a combination of each), and picked out a pair of fashionable jeans and a pretty, sea-green top.
“There, that always looks great on you. It’s definitely your color”
“That—that was impressive. Thank you. Why couldn’t I do that myself?” Flora complained.
They left five minutes later to meet up with the rest of the guys at the parking lot. There was Ralph, looking so handsome in a cashmere sweater that showed off his wide shoulders, and a pair of dark blue jeans. With him were his friends Josh, Mike and two others whose names Shanda couldn’t remember, but whose faces she recognized. They were all very decent-looking men. She now understood Flora’s earlier struggle.
“Yummy,” Flora whispered.
Shanda laughed, but inside her heart was doing somersaults. If only there was no Michelle. She knew that Ralph felt the same way she did. Like now, he was looking at her appreciatively; with a smile that said he’d rather be alone with her. His eyes always roved hungrily over the length of her body whenever they met. Whenever they spoke, there was a magnetic pull between them, between the words they shared with one another. It was like the tension of her bow against the strings of her cello—the tension—but there was no release. Her eyes moved to his lips and she felt a deep longing, almost like a physical pain to kiss them.
Introductions were made and Flora and herself stood away from the group.
“Oh my!” Flora purred, lasciviously eyeing the group of young men.
“What is it?”
“Oh God I think I’m going to fall down. Tony is hot! He must be a movie star that I haven’t heard of.” Flora smirked, being dramatic as usual.
Shanda erupted in a sea of giggles, but turned to look at Tony to re-examine him. Shanda hadn’t seen anything about him that screamed ‘Hollywood.’ He was too short for her liking but she supposed for Flora, who was on the shorter side herself, he was perfect. Despite the lack of height, he was very muscular, and he had a model-handsome face with a square jaw and large, dark eyes. Plus he had a very full head of hair so shiny the light bounced off it.
“Yes, I do see what you mean,” Shanda murmured.
“Hey, keep your hands off. He’s mine. I saw him first.”
Shanda stepped back a foot or two, shaking her head and waving her hands in front of her. “Not interested, he’s all yours,” Shanda said dismissively, settling her eyes on Ralph.
He was laughing with his head tossed back, his ultra-white teeth gleaming, and he looked so happy; so carefree. His attitude was what Shanda loved the most about him. Ralph looked at the bright side of life, he was an eternal optimist, and he turned most of the people who comprised his world into optimists, also. It was practically impossible to be in a bad mood around someone so lighthearted, understanding, and pleasant.
“You don’t have eyes for anyone else, even after all this time, do you, Shanda?” Flora mused in a soft voice.
Startled, Shanda turned to her. “What do you mean?” Her heart had picked up speed, and she felt her entire body heat. The last thing she wanted to do was admit feelings for a man who was unavailable. Not even to a friend of hers.
Flora held her stare.
“Oh. Come on. You can’t play coy with me. You know exactly what I mean. Ever since you came to St. Augustine, you’ve only ever had eyes for Ralph. He’ll hurt you, Shanda. He has Michelle. If he loved you the way you love him, he would have dumped her for you, but he hasn’t; has he? What does that tell you? I’m sorry to sound harsh, but it upsets me to think that you’d put your life on hold for a man who wouldn’t do the same for you.”
The truth of what Flora was saying hit her. Hard. And Shanda felt her insides twist with pain. She had never quite looked at it like that. If indeed, as she kept telling herself, Ralph did have feelings for her, he would have broken things off with Michelle. Sure, they fought a lot, but they always made up and got back together. Shanda sighed. It was painful, but she had to admit to herself that she was wasting her time.
At that moment, Michelle and a group of four girls came bouncing towards where everyone was standing. The months hadn’t improved Shanda’s relationship with Michelle, who greeted Shanda coolly before flouncing over to where Ralph and his friends were.
“Okay. We are all here, let’s go guys,” Ralph yelled, his hands cupped around his mouth for maximum projection.
They trooped towards the gate, taking a left turn at the road. The picnic site was a walking distance away, at the back side of St. Augustine. It was more of a forest, with a small, cleared-out patch of grass amidst the copse of pine trees. The patch of grass was perfect for picnics and other, small-group gatherings. And at the bottom of the hilly patch, a river flowed. It was a popular spot for students, but not for the townsfolk who had been driven away by the escapades of those students.
Ralph and Michelle walked in front of Shanda and Flora. Watching them walk together, so in sync with each other, laughing easily as only couples who were comfortable with each other did, Shanda felt a bitter taste in her mouth. She hated herself for being envious of Michelle. What Ralph saw in her, Shanda had no idea. Sure, she was a pretty girl, and she did have great body, but other than that, there wasn’t much to her. She could hardly hold a decent, even half-way intelligent conversation. Shanda understood that beauty went a long way with a lot of men, but she didn’t want to believe that Ralph may be such a man. A man even remotely like her father was a man she would have nothing to do with.
Shanda had tried being friendly with Michelle, simply because Shanda was a friendly person, and she hated the idea that someone out there couldn’t stand her. But Michelle could put off even the most eager of people. She liked to talk about clothes and the best clubs, and who had gone where. It was a trivia which exhausted Shanda to no end. Shanda couldn’t muster the pretend enthusiasm she’d need for a conversation about the things that were important to Michelle—things that mostly only went so deep as the skin. Shanda cared about things that were much deeper than that. So, she kept clear of her for the sake of both her mental health and Michelle’s, and accepted the fact that they would never be friends. But how could they even have been? Shanda now knew that she loved Ralph. It would be terrible to be friends with his girlfriend, knowing she was in love with him.
The whole situation was patently unfair. It was unfair to Shanda. It was unfair to Ralph. And it was unfair to Michelle. Even knowing all of this, admitting everything to herself, she still could not fully embrace the truth. She wanted to believe that there was a possibility. Maybe someday… she had an image in her head of the two of them. Old, gray, sitting on large porch in the summer, enjoying the breeze. Her, playing her cello while he reads the paper and taps a toe to the beat… it was all so childish. So silly. So impossible.
Shanda watched him as he prepared the area. He had the nicest features she had ever seen. Even now, stretching a picnic blanket, she admired his long, slender, and he did everything with such grace, forethought, and precision. Ralph never looked foolish, yet he had no problems with doing foolish things in front of people in order to uplift or amuse them. He was not self-conscious; he was confident without being cocky. Perhaps that’s one of the many things that made him so attractive, not only to her, but to anyone who had the fortunate chance to be in his presence.
They all removed their blankets and shawls and spread them as a patchwork; one huge blanket that spanned across the vast ground. They were eleven people in total, six girls and five boys. Shanda plopped herself down and removed the plastic cups and the glass of wine she’d brought with her.
“Anyone have a wine opener?” Shanda stood and called over the crowd, addressing the question to anyone, but of course, the person she hoped would answer her—actually did.
“I do, here; I’ll open it for you,” Ralph offered.
His hand brushed against hers as he took the wine opener and everything seemed to pause. It was so much like their first encounter, and the feeling transported Shanda to that day, back to the magic of the first time they’d met. He seemed to feel it too, because he left his hand to linger over hers just a little longer, and he looked into her eyes. Shanda felt short of breath, felt rather than saw, the quick bursts in which her chest rose and fell. The moment was shattered as soon as he took the bottle and shifted his concentration from her eyes, to opening the wine for her.
Shanda swallowed hard and looked around. Everybody was busy unpacking their own drinks, only Flora was looking at her questioningly. Shanda shrugged. As much as Ralph never acknowledged his feelings, Shanda knew he loved her too. They had so many moments like those ones, where their hands brushed against each other, or some other body part; time seemed to stand still, and they seemed to share the same short, quick bursts of excited breaths.
Ralph returned the opened bottle, doing his best to avoid meeting her gaze. He held the bottle out to her while staring in the opposite direction, laughing at something one of his friends said.
“Glass of wine anyone?” Shanda called out cheerfully.
As long as there was a chance that Ralph loved her, she felt happy. She knew loving another girl’s boyfriend was wrong, but Michelle did not inspire feelings of loyalty. And Shanda was not responsible for Michelle’s feelings, regardless. Sure, had Michelle been a good person, she would feel terrible. She would avoid Ralph. She would… still love him. But none of that mattered because Michelle was not a good person. She wasn’t kind to anyone. She seemed to view the world through her own, narcissistic lens.
Shanda poured a glass of chilled white wine for Flora, and Tony, who had moved to sit closer to them. Flora was quiet, tongue-tied by the presence of Tony, and Shanda decided to help her out by striking up a conversation with him, hoping Flora would gain the courage to jump in.
“I haven’t seen you around campus, which is your major?” Shanda asked him. She took a sip of wine, and shot a look at Flora that she hoped Flora interpreted as: don’t make me do all the talking to your love interest. You’re gonna have to at least try here.
“I’m in my last year of computer science,” Tony responded mechanically, as if he repeated the words twenty times a day. He didn’t look at Shanda as he spoke, and when he was done, he took a sip of his own drink while still keeping his eyes on Flora.
Shanda looked at both of them and decided to save her energy. They only had eyes for each other. So what if Flora couldn’t make conversation on her own? They seemed perfectly content to dumbly stare at one another, wordlessly. If that was good enough for them, it was good enough for Shanda, too. Shanda turned her attention to observing the interactions of the rest of the group. Ralph was talking with his friend Josh, but when there was even the slightest lag in their conversation, he turned his head and smiled at Shanda. More evidence that there was a connection between them, Shanda thought happily. She was aware that this could also just be confirmation bias. She was looking for signs, so of course she was seeing them. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling. And she couldn’t reason herself out of it.
Michelle was not with her giggly friends; instead, she was talking to one of the newcomers. Shanda couldn’t recall his name, but he had very deep blue eyes, so deep they seemed like an extension of the clear blue sky. By the arch of her body, and the squeals of her laughter, Shanda could tell that Michelle liked him. He had very blond hair, blonder than Michelle’s and he resembled those handsome surfing men she had seen on TV.
After a while, Shanda looked away, disinterested, but she wasn’t bored. She loved people-watching, and now she watched as Michelle’s three friends dared each other to swim in the river. They stripped down to their bras and panties and went shrieking into the cold water. Michelle and the handsome guy she was talking to followed suit.
Shanda whistled when the guy pulled out his t-shirt over his neck to reveal a smooth, muscular torso, with only a few hairs dotted around his chest. She turned to whisper to Flora who just mumbled some gibberish back in a lazy attempt to appear as though she was listening. She wasn’t. She and Tony were in their own world. Shanda was on her own.
Ralph watched, his eyes thunderous with rage, as Michelle and the guy ran down and jumped into the river. Shanda watched him watching her, and felt a moment of pity for him. She felt angry with Michelle, too. That was a pretty rude thing to do in front of her boyfriend. She didn’t even have the decency to flirt behind his back, which would still be terrible, but somehow less so.
Ralph looked as though he would murder somebody, but he went back to chatting with Josh. The wine was going to her head, and Shanda felt a little tipsy. Michelle, Ralph and the others had been drinking whisky, and she wondered how drunk they must be feeling.
“Do you want to go for a walk, ladies?” Tony asked, jumping to his feet.
Flora glared at her pointedly, and Shanda resisted the temptation to burst out laughing. She shook her head, her hand covering her mouth to hide her smile.
“No thanks, but I bet Flora here would love to.”
“Yes I would,” Flora had squeaked almost before Shanda could finish her sentence, and Tony pulled her to her feet.
They disappeared down a path that led to the thicket. Shanda scanned the river again. Everyone was still there, apart from Michelle and the cute guy. Ralph, too, had disappeared. Shanda fished out a magazine from her bag, and settled back to read it, using her bag as a pillow. She was so engrossed in her magazine, she hadn’t heard the sound of footsteps sinking into the soft grass, and she only saw Ralph’s face as he peered at her the top of the magazine.
She jumped, startled.
“Sorry,” Ralph apologized with a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
His face looked hard, as though he was really angry about something. Shanda didn’t need to play twenty questions to guess what it was, either.
“What is it, are you OK?” she asked, knowing all too well that he wasn’t. She didn’t know if she wanted to discuss Michelle with him, but if he was upset, she did hope he would feel comfortable speaking with her about whatever it was that made him unhappy. She only wanted him to no longer be unhappy.
“I’m fine; I think I had too much whisky,” Ralph confessed. He lunged toward her suddenly, and reached under her armpits to tickle her.
Shanda screeched and dropped her magazine, after deciding against rolling it up and smacking him with it.
“Stop,” she laughed.
“OK I will. I promise I will stop but only if you do me a favor.”
“I will, I will,” Shanda yelled. Anything for the tickling to stop. She was torn between hating the sensation and loving that he was touching her.
“Come with me back to campus. Let’s get out of here,” Ralph said. “I’m not feeling too good.”
Shanda was immediately filled with concern.
“OK, no problem, let’s go. I’ll just leave a message for Flora so she doesn’t worry about me.”
She spoke to Tony’s friend and he agreed to tell Flora that she had gone back to campus. Then she gathered her things into her bag, including her shawl, and they left. On the way, Ralph was strangely quiet, and she matched his mood, not making an effort to speak. If he needed time to think, she was happy to grant it to him. She went up with him to his room, telling herself she wanted to make sure that he was OK, and once she had that taken care of, she would leave. Immediately. At least, that was her plan.
When the door closed behind them, Ralph took her bag and dropped it on the floor, all the while keeping his black, intense eyes on her. Even without a word being said, or a touch being exchanged, Shanda was getting aroused. What did this man do to her? He put his hands on her shoulders, running them down up to her waist. She shivered with anticipation, and the sensitive muscles in her sides quivered at his touch.
Then he grasped her waist, almost roughly, and pulled her tightly up against him, and she instantly could feel how aroused he was, too.
Shanda knew she should ask what had brought this on, and ask if he was sure they should be doing this, but all she wanted was for Ralph to kiss her. Which he did, thrusting his tongue deep inside her mouth. They exchanged heated kisses. She breathed his air and he breathed hers. He reached for her zip, opened it, and tugged down her trousers. Shanda did the same, pulling down his trousers.
Ralph pulled her into his arms again, and Shanda moaned at the way he grinded his pelvis against hers. He pulled off her spaghetti top, unhooked her bra, and nibbled on her nipples. Then he stepped back to pull down her panties. By now, Shanda had no coherent thoughts in her brain. Her body was on fire, and she just wanted Ralph to keep doing what he was doing. Everyone, and everything else be damned.
He removed all his clothes and Shanda’s eyes flew open to look at his beautiful body. She ran her hands over his chest, down his taut stomach, to the hardness below. She lingered there, grazing his soft flesh, relishing the way he felt. He groaned as her fingers lightly touched him. She planted kisses on his chest, getting down on her knees to trail kisses along every part of him. He slid down too, and they knelt facing each other.
“You’re so beautiful,” Ralph slurred.
He laid her down on the carpet, and reached out for a packet of what Shanda assumed were condoms. She watched as he took one out from the packet, and fumblingly tried to apply it. She helped him to roll it into place and then fell back. Instead of entering her as she had expected, Shanda felt wetness as his tongue darted in and out. She cried out at the sharp pleasure that followed, knocking out any protests she was about to make.
“Please Ralph,” Shanda cried out, her body begging to be sated. She wasn’t going to wait any longer for him to enter her. He knew exactly what she needed. He smiled and nodded.
He came up again, and Shanda felt herself rise to another crescendo as Ralph entered her, filling her completely. She matched his movements, slowly at first, and then quickly, building up in momentum. It wasn’t too long before she cried out and fell back, feeling empty, yet full. The only noise that could be heard in the darkness of the room was their breathing.
Shanda woke up and removed herself from Ralph’s hand, which at some point he had thrown across her chest. He was sound asleep. She watched him breathe deeply, the moonlight throwing a dim light inside the room. He looked so handsome and peaceful in his sleep. She fought the urge to kiss him. Instead, she got up quietly and put her clothes back on, careful not to make enough noise to wake him. She took a cover from the bed and arranged it around his naked body. Then she slung her bag over her shoulder and left.
Once in the hallway, she looked at the time. Thirty minutes past eleven. Shanda would have loved nothing more than to spend the whole night in Ralph’s room and wake up with him in the morning. But there were strict rules about sharing rooms, and she didn’t want to risk getting thrown out of campus. She felt on top of the world as she entered her block and ran up the stairs. Something had happened tonight, they had broken through a barrier. There was a small voice somewhere in a corner of her mind that Shanda wished she could close off that whispered to her that this was wrong, and that she was only waiting for her heart to be broken, just as it had been before. She shook her head. She could handle heartbreak. She’d lived through it many times in her life, and she would happily do it again. At that moment, she felt so good, any possible negative outcome was worth how he had just made her feel.
Shanda felt that now she and Ralph would finally be together. He couldn’t possibly carry on a relationship after what had transpired between them. He would tell Michelle that their relationship was over, and that he was in love with another girl. She imagined walking around campus hand in hand with Ralph. Maybe she could even risk spending the night in his room once in a while so they could make love all night long.
Perhaps over the break, she would take him to meet her mom. And maybe, even her dad. Maybe. When she was ready to see him again. Shanda was so engrossed in her own thoughts and fantasies, that she only saw Flora when she nearly ran into her. Flora stood in front of the door to Shanda’s room, blocking her from entering it.
“Well, well, well, look who’s here,” Flora said, her eyebrows raised, and her hands on her hips like a disappointed parent.
Shanda cursed under her breath. She didn’t want to talk about what had happened just yet, not until Ralph sorted things out with Michelle. She also didn’t want to look like a slut to her friend, or to anyone.
“Hi,” Shanda said, simply. She stood in front of Flora and looked dead at her, wondering whether she would be able to enter her own room, or if she would have to get physical with Flora in order to do so.
“What happened to you? I was told you came back here, to your room but when I came to find you, you were not here,” Flora said, looking concerned. “Are you OK?”
Shanda sighed. “Yes, I’m OK. Just went for a walk with Ralph.”
“Oh, how is he by the way?”
“What do you mean?”
“Tony and I saw what happened. We were walking when we stumbled upon Michelle and one of the guys making out. Unfortunately, your pal happened to be coming that way too, and he saw them. You should have seen his face!” Flora said.
“He’s OK, he’ll live,” Shanda said in a cold tone. “Look I’m tired, and I need to get some rest. I’ve had a long night. I’ll see you tomorrow OK? Shanda asked, but realized it would be polite to ask her friend how her own night had been. “How did it go with Tony, by the way?”
“Good, he’s wonderful.” Flora closed her eyes. “He’s just perfect; we have a date all set for tomorrow. We are going for lunch and then to a movie afterwards.”
Shanda looked at her friend. Normally she would be delighted but she just felt terrible, and she couldn’t wait to get into her room.
“I’m really happy for you Flora, you deserve a good guy.”
“Thanks. Are you OK? You look kind of down.” Flora moved out of Shanda’s way, and Shanda had never been so happy to see a door in her life.
“I’m fine thanks, just tired. I’ll see you when you get back. Have fun,” Shanda called over her back. She slipped into her room and hurriedly closed the door behind her, leaning against it after she’d locked it.
She waited to hear Flora’s footsteps fade away, and then threw herself on her bed and cried as if her heart would break. Ralph had used her. He had pretended to be interested in her only because his girlfriend had hurt him. He used her as a means to get revenge upon Michelle. She was a fool. And the worst part was that she had known she was being a fool, but she allowed herself to indulge in her fantasy anyway. Even Flora had told her to give up, but did she listen? No! The ache in her chest felt as if it would consume all of her. Shanda buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sounds of her sobs. Oh Ralph, how could you?
One good thing was that they no longer shared a class. She would avoid him as much as possible, and just hope that the year flew by. She never wanted to see Ralph again.