Chapter 9
“I’ve always loved the idea of a winter wedding,” Flora gushed.
Shanda made a face. “You have always been a little weird, Flora.”
The group laughed. Greg sat across from Shanda at the table, and he took one of her hands into his. Shanda wiggled uncomfortably. For a reason she could not explain, public displays of affection with Greg made her uncomfortable. She felt as if she was pretending to be someone she was not. An imposter. A memory fleetingly crossed her mind. Her and Ralph holding hands outside her room when he had come to pick her up for Paul’s birthday party.
It was short, but the memory of her hand intertwined with Ralph’s had been sweet and had felt right. She shook her head free of the memories and concentrated on the moment. She sipped her chilly orange, loving the cold feeling that coated her throat as it went down.
“Let me see your ring again,” Shanda said to Flora, taking her hand from Greg’s and grabbing for her friend’s.
Flora was glad to extend her arm for her ring to be admired. Shanda gripped her friend’s hand and studied at the ring again. It looked huge on Flora’s small fingers, but it was beautiful in the way that the period pieces were placed.
“It belonged to Tony’s grandmother,” Flora said. “I love it. Imagine the stories it would tell, if it could. Granny’s survival in Eastern Europe, and her eventual journey to America. It makes me feel strong too, like I can handle anything.”
“You always could, Flora,” Shanda said in a dry tone.
“Granny would have loved you, sweetheart,” Tony said, kissing Flora lightly on the lips. Flora beamed at his compliment. She’d always loved being compared to strong women.
Shanda could feel Greg’s eyes on her. She stopped herself from looking at him, knowing she would find the questions there, and knowing that she wouldn’t be able to give him the answers he needed from her. Greg was always asking her questions, wanting to know what their future held. How was she to know? They sat around chatting for another hour, enjoying a light lunch.
“We got to go,” Tony said. “Mom’s having us over for dinner tonight with a few other members of the family. We’ll be making the big announcement tonight.”
Shanda shuddered inwardly. She wasn’t one for big families, or the constant gatherings that came with having a big family, and if she were to get married, she would prefer a small, intimate ceremony or even eloping. Tony had a big family, but Flora looked happy enough with the idea of a traditional wedding. Shanda was truly happy for her friend. It had taken Tony a full year of repeatedly proposing, and repeatedly being turned down before his persistence paid off and Flora finally accepted.
They left in a flurry of hugs and waves. Left alone in the garden restaurant, she and Greg smiled at each other. He was handsome in a non-threatening way, with soft brown eyes, and a smile that was genuine. He was sweet, and the kindest man she had ever met. Any woman would be lucky to be in a relationship with him. They had been dating for seven months. After seeing how happy Tony and Flora were, Shanda analyzed her feelings for Greg, which was something she had avoided doing up to this point. She’d allowed those feelings to simmer in the corner of her mind, locked into an area she’d not given herself access to because doing so would open other doors to other memories, of other nights, with another man.
He did not make her heart do somersaults in her chest and when they made love, it was sweet and nice, but nothing out of this world. She hated to compare him to Ralph, but it was something she secretly did. He was comfortable, while Ralph was exciting. There had never been a dull moment with Ralph. But how many couples had that, really? And they’d only made love once, after all. Surely there would have been plenty of dull moments with Ralph had their relationship grown. There would have also been many comfortable moments. Shanda told herself that comfortable was good.
It meant that she would never get hurt because the one thing she knew for sure was that Greg would never hurt her.
“I can’t wait for the day you and I get married Shan,” he said.
Greg was the only person who shortened her name to Shan. She didn’t really like it, but she had never told him, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
“Yes, well, we do have plenty of time, though, to get to know each other better,” Shanda said with a smile.
“How much more time do we need to know each other baby?” Greg said, his tone solemn.
Shanda’s heart skipped a beat. He was serious this time. Usually when he brought up the subject of their future, it was in a casual tone; as if he was willing to wait until the day she was ready. With Flora’s wedding three months away, she had known that Greg would kick the questions up a notch, and he didn’t disappoint.
“Flora and Tony have been dating since University days,” Shanda said, keeping her tone light. She didn’t want to have to chastise him for comparing a year-long relationship to one that had only begun half a year ago. It was much too soon to be discussing marriage. But she did respect Greg’s feelings, and she wanted to hear him out.
“People are different Shan. I knew as soon as I saw you that I wanted to marry you. Don’t you feel the same?” he asked, his eyes alight with hope.
“I know what you mean,” Shanda began. “But you know what happened with my parents. I’m frightened of something like that happening to us.”
Shanda was ashamed of herself for lying. She knew marriage worked; after all, Flora’s parents had been happily married for God knows how many decades. Shanda thought of her mother. The crazy I’m-young-again phrase had thankfully ended, and along with it, so had Edward. Shanda had met the man once and cringed throughout the entire meeting. He was one of those men who hang on to their youthful days, wearing large gold chains, too-small jeans, and leather jackets.
Shanda and her mom were slowly but surely repairing their relationship. She had confided in Shanda that her father had dumped the secretary and was applying for other teaching positions at other Universities. From her wistful tone, Shanda had worked out that her mother was not averse to going back to her dad. And if that happened, that would be fine with her. It didn’t bother Shanda either way. It was up to them. She was an adult now and she had her own life to live.
“Shan, you can’t let something like that discolor your view of marriage. My parents are happy, so are Flora’s and Tony’s. Your parents were the exception. I’m sorry sweetheart, I wish I could change that.”
Shanda swallowed hard. “Why don’t we wait a couple of months, you know, give me time to get used to the idea, and then maybe we can revisit it.” She wanted to yell at him that they’d been together for seven months. Less than the gestation period of a whole human being. But she didn’t. For some reason, she could not fault the man for believing in love at first sight. After all, Shanda had once believed in it herself.
Greg contemplated her. “Alright, I can wait a couple of months. That’s a reasonable request.”
She let out a sigh of relief. At least she had bought herself a few weeks. Greg was a man who kept his word, and she knew that he would not pester her in those two months. She would deal with it when the determined waiting period had ended. Who knew what could happen over the course of a few months, anyway? She could very well have an overhaul of her entire thought process regarding the matter and decide that Greg really was the man for her.
The weeks flew by, and Shanda was kept occupied, being Flora’s maid of honor and helping her with all the wedding arrangements. Shanda totally lost track of time and only knew that the two-month vow of silence when it came to her own potential wedding vows had passed when Greg brought it up. They were lying in his bed after they’d made love. Shanda slept facing the wall, while Greg lay on his back, his eyes on the ceiling. He didn’t like cuddling after making love, which was just fine with Shanda. His body was incredibly warm, and she felt like she’d been shoved into a frying pan She needed space from him after they’d finished.
The wall was covered in a patterned wall paper, which she often teased Greg about.
“I love wall paper,” he replied. “I’ll have my whole home covered in it. Outside and in.”
Shanda hated wall paper. And while she knew that Greg was teasing about papering the outside of his home, he absolutely liked wallpaper. Too much. She liked paint; earth colors on her walls. Such differences seemed petty on the surface, but to Shanda, they were symptoms of a larger incompatibility. To be reminded of any difference in taste or opinion only reminded Shanda of the wider gulfs that existed between them.
She and Greg were so different, she told herself. They would fight everyday of their lives about non-issues, like interior decorations of their home. But they had never fought in the time they had been going out, a voice in her head pointed out. That’s because they did not live together, Shanda stubbornly thought. This was stupid, she thought suddenly. She was having an argument with herself, while in bed with her lover.
“Shanda?” he said. “Are you asleep?”
She wanted to feign sleep, but it was still early. Greg would know she was a faker. He wouldn’t be able to prove it, but she still couldn’t lie to him outright.
Outside the snow was falling softly, and darkness had set in though it was only eight o’clock. She wondered as her eyes traced the horrid pattern of that wallpaper, and the chill of winter swept just over her skin: what Ralph was doing in California?
“No,” she replied.
“Face me sweetheart.”
Shanda turned over and lay on her side facing Greg. His hair was tussled up and he looked like a young boy, with his brown eyes searching her face.
“I want to marry you.”
The announcement, so sudden, caught her by surprise.
“Marry me?” she echoed foolishly, as if she hadn’t known this was coming. As if she hadn’t been fending off this very moment since the day they’d met and she saw the look in Greg’s eyes that reflected the look that had once been in hers. Not when she’d met Greg, but when she’d fallen in love at first sight.
“Yes, Shanda. I’m tired of waiting. I want a family to go home to. We love each other, don’t we?”
She nodded. She did love Greg. She wasn’t in love with him. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t Ralph. But no one was at fault for this, and she would never be with Ralph. This man was a good man. She’d be unlikely to even find someone as good as Greg if she were to be single again.
“You look so beautiful, lying there. I wish I knew what you were thinking,” Greg said, pushing back strands of her hair gently.
Shanda gave a nervous laugh. In the pit of her stomach, she knew this was it and she wanted to throw herself on his chest and sob. Greg was so good, why couldn’t she fall in love with him? Why didn’t he make her heart beat wildly when their bodies touched, or their eyes met? Why did she feel lonely while she slept in bed next to him?
“Shan?”
“I can’t, Greg,” she blurted out.
His face went still.
“Can’t what?”
Shanda closed her eyes. Her mouth was dry. How would she tell him? She didn’t want to marry him, or any other man who wasn’t Ralph. She knew how stupid that was. Ralph was probably married now, maybe even with a child on the way. Oh Ralph! The two years had done nothing to curb her love for him. If anything, the time and the distance had made her longing even more intense.
“I can’t marry you,” she said softly.
“Why not Shan? We’re so good together,” Greg said, his voice laced with the anguish he felt.
Shanda suddenly felt smothered and wanted to get as far away from him as possible. But she couldn’t. She knew the pain she was causing this man now was no different than the pain she’d lived through two years ago, so Shanda gritted her teeth, and she continued to lay in bed with him. She continued to look him in the eye and tell him she did not love him.
“Is there someone else? Is it still too soon?” he continued.
“No, there’s no one. And it’s not because things are moving too quickly,” Shanda replied, honestly.
There wasn’t someone else, not in the sense that Greg meant anyway. She wasn’t with anyone else. She didn’t sleep next to anyone else, or share dinner with anyone else. It was her heart. She’d given it to someone who had never wanted it in the first place and now she would never be able to get it back.
“Then what? Please tell me, I deserve to know that at the very least.”
“I’m just not ready for marriage, and I’m so sorry, but I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Maybe I’m rushing you. I’ll wait for you, Baby, and I promise, I won’t ask you again until you give me a sign.”
She looked into his earnest eyes and she knew that she couldn’t continue to do that to him. It just wasn’t fair. She cupped his cheeks.
“No Greg, you’re not rushing me,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “It’s me. I can’t hold on to you, knowing I might just be wasting your time.”
“Please, don’t.”
His eyes were filled with unshed tears. Unable to bear it any more, Shanda jumped from the bed and frantically began to put her clothes back on. Greg sat up, and his eyes followed her as she collected her clothing.
“What are you doing?”
“I have to go Greg, I’m sorry,” Shanda said without looking up.
“Is this it Shan? Is this the end of us?”
“I’m sorry Greg,” Shanda said, tears misting her eyes, and her throat closing around her words. “Look for a girl who deserves your love.”
“I already found her,” he said bitterly.
She glanced at him once more, took in his tormented expression and then she fled. Outside, she felt as though she had come out of prison after being jailed for years. She wanted to scream and jump; instead, she dipped her hands into the pockets of her winter coat and walked briskly towards home.
Shanda learnt on the day of Flora’s wedding rehearsal that Greg had left town for good. They were in the bathroom, touching their make up before the rehearsal began.
“He called me Shan,” Shanda said in a dull voice. Flora had a tough time understanding why Shanda had let such a man go. No matter how many times Shanda told her that she just didn’t love him, Flora didn’t understand why. So, Shanda started telling her the little things about Greg that bothered her.
Flora turned away from the mirror and looked at her.
“So? You could have told him you hated it. It’s not that, is it? It’s still bloody Ralph, isn’t it? I’m telling you, that man does not deserve your love Shanda.”
Shanda had nothing to say. She could not deny the truth of what Flora was saying. She returned to the mirror, but Shanda could feel Flora’s eyes on her.
“He did write to me once, about a year ago,” Flora murmured.
All blood drained from Shanda’s face. She grabbed Flora’s arm. “Ralph wrote to you? About what?”
Flora nodded. “He wanted to know how you were doing.”
“What did you say?” Shanda breathed out.
“The truth. I told him the truth—that you were happy, and in a relationship with a wonderful man named Greg.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” Shanda screamed.
“No, I didn’t and it was for your own good,” Flora said in a self-righteous tone that drove Shanda over the edge.
“You’re not my bloody mother!”
“Someone has to be, seeing that you’re not very good at taking care of yourself,” Flora retorted.
“Damn you, Flora!”
“No, Damn you Shanda! You have just lost a wonderful man, pinning over a man you should have been over a long time ago.”
“That’s my bloody business!”
Shanda had never been as angry as she was at that moment. Flora flounced out in a huff and when the door closed, Shanda took two deep breaths. She went into one of the cubicles and sat down. Oh God! Now she had upset Flora on the day of her wedding rehearsal. Oh Ralph, if only she had known! She let herself have a good cry before she was able to leave the cubicle and rinse her face.
She would apologize to Flora. It had been stupid of her to be angry. After all, Flora had just been looking out for her as she always did, and how did she thank her? Shanda resolved to treat her friend better, to apologize and possibly buy her the most expensive wedding gift on Flora’s registry.