“Mama, mama!” The shrieking cry that Cal let out as he threw himself into my arms brought tears to my eyes.

“Hi, baby.” I brushed kiss after kiss over his head as he clung tightly to my waist. My heart ached seeing how he’d grown in the few months he was gone. Jake threw himself at me as well, and I pried a hand free to catch him as he buried his face into my shoulder.

“Hi, Mom.” His words were a whisper as he clung to me.

“Hi, hun,” I murmured in reply, skating a kiss over his soft hair.

“You guys are going to strangle her.” Brooke’s voice aimed for exasperated and simply came out amused. I was glad to see the smile on her lips as she stepped forward to place a kiss on my cheek. “Hey, Mom. You look good.” I arched a brow at her in surprise, and she indicated my clothes. I had forgotten about Jenna’s makeover.

“Your aunt got ahold of me while you were away. You left me unprotected.” I tickled the boys as I said the last bit, and they giggled. Jake released his hold on me, glancing around to see if anyone had noticed his emotional display, and blew out a breath of air in relief when he realized there wasn’t anyone there who knew him. Cal had no such worries, clinging tightly to my waist with one arm as I attempted to walk them to the baggage claim, words falling so fast from his lips he was tumbling over them in his excitement to tell me everything about the trip at once.

“Let’s take a timeout for a minute, I said on a laugh, unable to resist kissing him again. “We’ll grab your bags, head home, and you can tell me absolutely everything.” I glanced at my other two children, enjoying their smiles. “I’ve missed all of you so much.”

I simply enjoyed their chattering and bickering as we gathered their suitcases and headed for home. I teased and distracted when they sniped at each other, trying my best not to laugh. I knew I was riding the high of not having them with me for so long, and that in the next few days their fighting would begin to drive me up a wall once again. For the moment, however, I planned to just immerse myself in them.

I pulled up to the house just as Cal finished a detailed dialogue about the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland which, according to him, had been the best thing ever. “I swear I saw Johnny Depp, mom. It was really him, I know it,” Cal insisted as he clamored from the car, tugging on my arm to ensure he had my complete focus.

“I’m sure it was him, Cal,” I reassured him. “He probably does it to be funny, thinking no one will be as clever as you and be able to spot it’s really him.” Cal grinned and stuck his tongue out at Jake who rolled his eyes. I could see the corner of his mouth twitch though, and knew he would have been just as awe-inspired as his brother if it had turned out to be Johnny Depp in person.

“How about you, Brooke? You’ve been pretty silent.” I had been glad her phone had stayed down more as she listened to her brothers' chatter. She shrugged a shoulder.

“It was okay. Joseph’s nice. I watched the boys a lot.” I winced at that. I had figured out that was what had happened as we spoke more and more. However, I knew I had no ability to regulate Ian’s parenting. “I did a lot of research though.” Now she was a little more animated, and I let myself relax. “I think I want to look into teaching. Oakview has a really good program.”

I shot her a smile as I pulled bags from the trunk, stacking them on the curb. “I’m sure you’d make an excellent teacher.” Her smile was nearly shy as she grabbed bags to carry in.

“Thanks, Mom.” She rolled her eyes as something caught her attention. “Cal, come help carry, half of these are yours!” I grinned at her exaggeration, turning to see what had already caught Cal’s attention, and freezing at the scene that greeted me. Cal had pulled open the gate to Alex’s house and headed right in. My friendly, never-met-a-stranger child was currently explaining something in great detail to the trio of kneeling men who were all giving him their undivided attention. “Aunt Jenna did well getting us a house next to such cute guys,” Brooke whispered, sending me a conspiratorial smile. I tried to give an answering one, but shock held me back. “Oh, don’t tell me you’re gay too,” she groussed under her breath, and I had to laugh.

“No, Brooke, I’m not gay. Just surprised Cal managed to get into our neighbor’s yard so quickly,” I offered by way of explanation. “You’re right, they’re all cute.”

“Good, one ‘out-of-the-box’ parent is all I can handle now.” She cupped her hands around her mouth. “Cal, come on! Your games are going to get crushed.” I shook my head at her, though Cal immediately came running. She had certainly figured out what buttons to press while she was away. Maybe the trip did her some good after all. “Dance team practice starts next week, right?” she called out as she headed to the door.

“Tuesday!” I responded, my focus on the three men currently moving from the ground to standing positions. Max shot me a sly wink and Alex waved. Troy arched a brow at me in a dare, and I fisted my hand to prevent myself flicking him off as I turned back to shut my trunk. Even from here I could hear his husky chuckle wash over me before he closed the gate. “Jake, you come help too. Dinner will wait for us to get bags in.” I turned my focus back on my children and getting them settled in, letting the rest fall away for later.

“Goodnight, baby,” I murmured as I kissed Cal’s forehead.

“I get to stay here now, right?” Cal’s voice soft and plaintive.

I knelt next to his bed so my eyes were on the level with his in the darkened room, the Paw Patrol night light at the foot of the bed the only source of light. Even with only that, I could see the worry digging lines into his face, see the way his hands were tightly gripping his stuffed animal. “Of course, baby. Daddy had his turn, it’s my turn now. Besides, you all have summer lessons starting, and before you know it, school will start again.” He wrinkled his nose and I laughed, running my fingers through his hair as I hummed softly to him, waiting until I saw him start to relax before I stood and headed for the door.

“I love you, Mom.” His words were a whisper in the nearly silent room.

“I love you too, Cal. Get some sleep.” His agreement was a murmur as I shut the door behind me. Jake was still downstairs finishing his movie as his bedtime was later than Cal’s, and I hesitated outside of Brooke’s door for a moment. I wasn’t sure if she would appreciate me checking in on her, but I had missed her and I wanted to say goodnight.

I knocked and was surprised by the warm greeting and invitation to enter. Further surprising me, Brooke was up and at her desk, a book open in front of her, rather than on her bed with her phone in hand. “You’re doing schoolwork?” I asked, confused for a moment.

She shrugged, turning to face me. “I figured I’d work on my reading list. There are only a few more weeks until school starts, and I’m going to be busy with the dance team.” I smiled, rubbing at the back of my neck, unsure of my footing here. I was glad that she was being responsible but unsure what had changed. A small part of me was resentful that she had apparently made these changes with her dad, rather than with me since she and I had been at each other’s throats for the last year. “Mom.” She stopped for a moment, as though considering her words. I stepped in and shut the door, sitting on the edge of her bed.

“You can tell me anything, Brooke,” I offered, keeping my voice soft.

She squirmed for a minute, apparently uncomfortable with whatever was going through her head. “You were right,” she blurted out. I froze for a minute, unsure that I had heard what she had said. “Dad hasn’t been happy in such a long time. Even though things aren’t the easiest for him in San Francisco, and I know he misses us, I can tell he’s happier. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to hear his laugh.” She hesitated again, twirling her hair the way she did when she was thinking. “I heard it there when we visited. He was gone a lot, which meant I watched Cal and Jake, but when he was there, he was actively there. He laughed all the time with Joseph and with us. I hadn’t realized before that even when he was home, he really wasn’t there with us.” I closed my eyes, praying for strength as I sorted my words.

“I’m glad you were able to see that side of him again. He loves you and your brothers.”

“It got me thinking, though.” She continued to play with her hair, rather than looking at me. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard you laugh like that too. You laugh with us, sure, and you don’t tune us out the way he did. It just seems like you’re not always happy when you’re smiling.” Her eyes met mine, and I realized the changes that had occurred in her over the past two months were far deeper than the changes that her brothers had experienced.

I slid my hands under my thighs, resisting the urge to play with my own hair or tap my fingers as I tried to sort this through with her. It was always a fine line to walk, being honest with my children while not giving in to the amount of anxiety, stress, horror, or other emotion that was filling me at the time. “It’s not that I’m unhappy.” I chose my words carefully, trying not to directly lie to her. “I have a very good life. I’ve got you and your brothers, work I enjoy, your Aunt Jenna.”

Brooke rolled her eyes, looking remarkably like me at that moment. “Yeah, yeah. You always spout the gratefulness routine. It doesn’t mean you’re happy.”

I resisted the urge to grin at her. “You’re right. Just because I have so many things to be grateful for doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m happy. It’s been a lot of changes, Brooke, and change, even good change, can be incredibly hard. I may not laugh as easily as I did when I was younger, but it doesn’t mean I’m very unhappy.” I hesitated a moment unsure of how to admit I wasn’t like her father, and that I was happier now than in the life we had built for so many years. “Happiness can come in waves, and in ways that aren’t always easy to understand. I do get lonely sometimes, but being up here with Jenna, interacting with my friends, it helps to ease that loneliness.”

Her eyes were shrewd as she studied me. “Do you plan to start dating again soon?”

I desperately wanted to braid my hair between my fingers, to let my eyes roam her room, but I kept my focus on her. “I have dated some since the divorce.” I waited to see her reaction to my admission. She froze for a moment in surprise.

“You have?” The skepticism in her voice was enough to make me wince. I knew that to her I was ancient, and the idea that I would find anyone at my age who wasn’t a serial killer must seem as likely as her coming face to face with a unicorn. “Women?” She tried to be off-hand with the question, though I could hear the tightness in her tone.

I groaned. “No, Brooke, I’m interested in men. You keep asking me that question, but my answer isn’t changing. I’m straight.”

“You dated while we were gone this summer?” she theorized, leaning forward now, dozens of mini-braids dangling across her shoulders. “A guy from here?”

I shrugged, trying to appear as casual as I could. “Yes, from here. I went on a few dates while you were gone. I had to do something with my free time since I wasn’t ferrying you around everywhere.” I dangled the last part of the sentence, hoping she would take the bait and stop interrogating me about my love life.

Her eyes lit up, and I bit my tongue to prevent the smug smile from pulling across my lips as she dove in, hook, line, and sinker. “You know, if I had my own car, you wouldn’t have to ferry me around everywhere.”

I stood, leaning forward to brush a kiss across her forehead. “It’s lucky you live in a college town, then, isn’t it? An easy to use bus system is right at your fingertips.” She groaned, flopping back onto her bed.

“The bus, Mom, really? Plus, it doesn’t go everywhere.” She pointed this out to me, hopeful that it would sway my decision.

“Focus on school for now. Use the bus, I’ll give you rides, or you can get rides with your friends. We’ll talk more about a car when your college admission responses come back in.” I glanced pointedly at the stack of applications littering her desk. “I’m sure you have more of those to fill out, more research to do.”

“I’m still set on Oakview, and that application is already done.”

“Set on it you may be, but it doesn’t mean they’ll offer you the financial aid you’re looking for, or that another university may not be a better fit. Don’t hem yourself in quite yet. We can go visit some still this summer, or you can take the virtual tours.”

“I get it, I get it.” She made a shooing motion with her hand, spinning her chair back towards her desk. I shook my head realizing that she had picked that up from me, and grateful that she didn’t pick up anything worse.

“Goodnight, Brooke. I love you.” I pulled the door behind me, resisting the urge to lean back against it. It was incredible how adult and yet how childlike she could be in a single conversation. I had worried before about how she would handle college, if she would be able to handle the stress of being on her own. I know that at her age I struggled greatly with the stresses of being a young mother, and I definitely wasn’t discounting the amount of stress that occurred in graduating, moving out of the house, attending a massive amount of college classes, and making an all-new set of friends took.

My future had been decided for me in a large way the moment that strip had turned pink. I knew there were options besides having that baby, but as a teenager who was desperately in love and wanted a family, the only option in my mind had been having that baby. While I had been stressed beyond belief, exhausted and scared beyond the point of tears at the time, or even so angry all I could do was scream, I had never regretted my decision to have and raise her.

Brooke’s future was so much more open than mine was, and that made it scary in its own right. She wasn’t limited to a few set options. She had the world open to her, and it was up to her to sort through thousands of available choices and pick what she thought the right one was. I didn’t envy her that, making a decision that would affect her entire future in just a few short months. I strode forward, heading down to see if Jake’s movie was done yet. At least he and Cal still only had the simple decisions in front of them. I could use that simplicity at the moment.