CHAPTER 30
BRADY
Nash Lee was sitting in the desk next to mine when I walked into class. He wasn’t grinning like normal. Which meant I was about to get drilled about not being at workout this morning. West was the only one who didn’t mention it, and I had Maggie to thank for that. Everyone else was worried I was sick. That damn game was all they could think about.
“You good?” Nash asked as I sat down beside him. Same exact question I’d heard from Gunner, Asa, and Ryker. No, I was not fucking good. I’d never be fucking good again.
“Yeah,” I lied, not saying anything else. I never missed a practice or a workout. They all had at some point. So why couldn’t I miss one without the damn inquisition?
“Coach was worried.”
Coach had been waiting on me the moment I walked in the door this morning. I was aware he was worried. He, too, thought I was sick. He was ready to send me home to rest. A place where I didn’t want to be. A place full of lies and deceit.
My father hadn’t been there when I’d come out of the bathroom this morning. I’d almost expected him to be, but he had left for work. My mom had looked beyond worried, but I couldn’t explain any of this to her. I wasn’t sure how I ever would.
“You just never miss.” Nash stated the obvious.
“I did today” was the only response he was getting. Jesus, couldn’t they all back off? I didn’t drill them when they missed. I respected their privacy.
Where was my respect, dammit?!
“Rifle said he saw your truck at Riley Young’s. He was whispering it to Hunter, and I shut it down. That shit ain’t true, but they’re spreading crap and I wanted you to know. I can handle it if you want.”
Rifle Hannon was a sophomore and didn’t even know the real details about two years ago. He’d been in middle school, for crying out loud. He might be a good tight end, but he needed to keep his mouth fucking shut about me if he wanted playing time.
“I was there. But it’s no one’s fucking business,” I said, looking straight ahead. Nash was my friend, but I was past caring what everyone thought of me. Of my choices. They sure acted as they pleased. Got drunk at the field party, fucked around with girls at school, took nothing seriously but football. I was tired of being the good one. I wasn’t trying to make my dad proud anymore. I did not give one fuck.
“Gunner won’t take that well,” Nash said, as if I needed reminding.
I turned to him then and made sure he saw the look on my face. The one telling him just how many fucks I did not give. “I don’t need Gunner’s permission for shit.”
Nash’s eyes went wide and he nodded. I was surprising them all. And I didn’t care. My team’s feelings were no longer important to me. Friday night wasn’t important to me. After the game wasn’t important to me. My family was a joke. My mom, who deserved a man to love her and be good to her, was the only real thing in my life. That and my friendship with Riley. The others could kiss my ass.
When the class started, Nash thankfully fell silent and I tried to focus on what was being said and not ways to handle my father’s sins. By the time it ended, I wasn’t sure what the assignment was or anything we learned. My head wasn’t there. It was at my dad’s office, where he’d ruined my life.
I attempted to make it through the next class, and when it was a replica of the first one I gave up and walked out the front door to my truck. I headed for the park. At some point Riley and Bryony would be there, and I’d be waiting. It was the only place I could go.
Gunner would hear about Riley before the day was over. I didn’t care. He could get angry all he wanted. Fact was, his brother was a douche bag and needed to be called out for what he’d done. I wasn’t protecting that asshole anymore. If Gunner wanted to, then fine. His brother had fucked him over too. And I understood that shit about family coming first, but if I could hate my father for his sins, then Gunner could hate his brother and recognize the fact that he’d lied.
My phone lit up and I glanced down to see West’s name on the screen. Picking it up, I read, You need me?
I’d say he wouldn’t understand. I could throw the phone down and say fuck it and ignore him. But he’d lost his dad recently and that hadn’t been easy. He understood pain. He’d lived through it before me. I got why he kept it to himself now. Not having to talk about it was easier.
No. But thanks, I replied, then drove out of the parking lot. I wasn’t hungry and doubted I would be again.
Here if you need me was his response.
I appreciated that. But I wouldn’t need him. I needed my dad to be the man he pretended to be. I needed my dad not to have fucked that blond woman. That’s what I fucking needed.
The park was only four miles from the school. I parked and waited in my truck. It was only noon, and I knew it was after lunch and Bryony’s nap that they came here. But I had nowhere else to go. I laid my head back and closed my eyes. Silence was good. Here I had no questions and I wasn’t expected to perform.
Friday night I wasn’t sure I could play. My heart wasn’t in it and I no longer cared. The idea of how angry my dad would be made me want to skip it. Just leave town and hide. Make him feel some pain. Some disappointment. It was nothing compared to what I was dealing with.
Problem with that was I would let others down. West, who never missed a game, even while his dad was dying. My mom, who was my biggest fan. My coach, who had worked with me since junior high and believed in me. This town. Although it wasn’t perfect, they weren’t all to blame. That was all on my father.
I’d play the game. But winning it was another matter altogether. I didn’t think I had it in me. My drive for success was gone. I feared it always would be. My dad had made my life about him. I wanted to let him down. I wanted to destroy him like he’d destroyed me. This was the only weapon I had.
But could I hurt others to use it?