Graham
“Avery?” He was standing by the rose garden, dressed only in a pair of sleep pants.
He turned and smiled at me. His hair was sticking up and he looked half asleep still. I wanted to devour him.
“I made coffee,” he said as he walked toward where I stood on the deck.
“I saw. And I brought you a cup.”
He glanced at the mugs I’d set on the bistro table. “Oh. Thank you.”
“Do you mind sitting out here?”
“No, that’s great.”
Things were back to feeling too polite, too distant between us. I had to find a way to fix that, so I resisted the urge to touch him as he walked past me to the table. Touching would lead to kissing and that would lead to one of us pulling the other back inside and neither of us getting coffee for a long time. I needed coffee, but more importantly, Avery and I needed to talk.
Avery took a sip from his mug and looked back toward the rose garden. “You planted those roses after Felicity’s wedding, didn’t you?”
I nodded.
“And you haven’t had time to take care of them, because you’ve been coming up to visit me most weekends.”
I frowned, not wanting to admit that. “It’s just been too hot for them.”
He raised his brows, obviously not buying it.
“You’re a lot more important than a few plants.”
“But you wanted to do more gardening, and I’m keeping you from it. I’m keeping you from all of this.” He gestured at the yard and the house.
“All you’re keeping me from is a giant house where I live by myself, surrounded by things I mostly didn’t even choose for myself.”
“The glassware? Did you pick that out?”
I nodded. “My grandmother collected depression glass. I inherited some of her pieces and can’t resist looking for more when I get a chance.”
“I think your house is beautiful, but why do you live here if it’s not what you want?”
I shrugged. “I like the yard and the lake. After Louise kicked me out and did her best to keep the kids away from me, I felt like I had something to prove. I needed to show that I could have anything, a huge house, a fancy car, an expanding business. I made sure whatever I bought was the best. But that was petty and stupid, and I’d rather spend my time in Asheville with you than here alone.”
“You could’ve asked me to come to Charlotte before now, unless you didn’t want me here.”
Those words stole my breath. How could he think— “I came to Asheville because I love being there, because I want to give you what you need, because you had to work on Saturdays so me spending the weekend there made sense. Never once did I mean to make you feel—”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m scared, Graham. This seems so much harder the more time we spend together. I just don’t know what we should do.”
“What if you just let Daddy make all the decisions? Would that be easier?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them.
Avery’s eyes went wide. His mouth opened and closed, but he didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry. That was out of line. I just wanted you to know that’s an option, because sometimes you’ve found that easier.”
“I don’t think that’s the right choice for us, but… it’s tempting, because no matter how worried I am about us finding our way, calling you Daddy still feels so right.”
“It feels right to me too, boy. And all the things you think I’ll miss here are things I could do in Asheville: gardening, glass collecting, discovering new restaurants to try.”
“Playing the piano?”
I nodded, wishing I’d been with him when he saw the music room. I would’ve played for him. Hopefully I would eventually. “Pianos can be moved. Before I met you, I’d forgotten how much I’d loved all those things. You helped me remember there’s so much more for me than work and quick hookups. I hadn’t played the piano in years. I don’t even know what possessed me to buy one for this house, but since I met you, I’ve started playing again.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Avery.” I squeezed his hand.
“But what about your friends? I could tell last night how close you are. I don’t want to take you away from them.”
I sighed. “Leo will be spending lots of time in Asheville, and I’m sure Max and Foster will visit too once he’s running Thrust. I care about all of them, but with all our work schedules, we don’t see each other often. I can drive to Charlotte to spend a few days with them if I want to, and I’d like to bring you back and let you get to know them better.”
“It was hard last night; you all have this history, and…” He looked away, seeming unsure how to finish.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to feel left out.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did they. I just feel like you have this whole life here, and it’s so different from what you have with me.”
“Different, yes, but you’re what I want, what I’ve been longing for. I can hold on to my friendships from a distance, but I can’t fully share my life with you like I want to if we’re apart. To do that, we need to live in the same town, or even together.”
He gave me a disbelieving look. “I just told you I’m not sure how we can make this work, and you’re asking me to move in with you?”
I took a slow breath, knowing I had to tread carefully. “I’m telling you I’m open to that. I’d love for us to live together, because I want to share everything with you, all the things I want to do, the places I want to go. I want to take you to Tuscany and Scotland, and all the places you’ve dreamed of, but you have to let me. You have to be comfortable with me giving you all that I want to give.”
“I want to do all those things, but it feels wrong to take from you.”
“Does it feel wrong to take from me when it’s pleasure?”
He shook his head. “That’s different from things that cost money.”
“It’s just as valuable, more so really, because the feeling you give me when you open yourself for me isn’t something I can work for, or study for, it’s a gift.”
Tears shone in his eyes. “Oh, Daddy. I… I’m sorry, maybe I should call you Graham right now.”
I laid a hand on his arm. “Let’s not worry about those boundaries. Just use whatever name feels natural.”
“Surrendering to you feels natural.”
“I know, boy. No matter how you feel about anything else, I know that, and I know that being comfortable with me spending money on you isn’t the same as giving me control in other ways.”
“Neither is agreeing for you to move. I know you don’t need my permission, but—”
I took both his hands in mine. “I want everything we do to be consensual, including me moving.”
He looked at our joined hands and sighed. “I need some time to think.”
“Then take it.”
“But—”
“If you want to, you can still stay the weekend, or you can go on back to Asheville and take the time you need.” I wasn’t sure how I got those words past the lump in my throat.
“Daddy, I don’t want to leave you.” His voice sounded as choked as mine.
“I’m not breaking up with you or even telling you to leave. You can stay here as long as you want. I’m just promising to give you as much time as you need to figure things out. That’s the best way for me to care for you right now. No matter how much I want to hold you tight and not let go, that’s not the kind of daddy you need now. You need your freedom.”
He slid out of his chair and knelt by me, laying his head on my thigh. “You’re too good to me.”
“No, I’m not. I’m just trying to give you what you need.”
“I know you must think I’m crazy. You’re offering me everything and—”
I used a finger under his chin to make him look at me. “No, Avery. I’m asking a lot and probably pushing way too hard.”
“You know what you want and I… I thought I did. Maybe I do, but…”
“It’s okay. Take time to think about what you can handle, and please know this isn’t an ultimatum. I’m not saying that if you aren’t ready for me to move to Asheville, we have to end this.”
He looked even paler than he had a few moments before. “I don’t want to end it.”
“I know, baby. It’s going to be okay.”
Tears rolled down his cheeks and wet the leg of my jeans. I carded my fingers through his hair as he cried.
A few moments later, he sat up and wiped his eyes. “Thank you for understanding, Daddy.”
“You don’t need to thank me for giving you room to breathe. Any decent person would do that.”
“You’re so much more than decent.”
I stroked his cheek. “You’re a good boy. Whatever you decide won’t change that.”
I rose and pulled Avery up and into my arms. “Let me make you breakfast. Then, if you’re ready, you can go home and call Felicity or Sean or someone you trust and talk this out.”
“You don’t mind me talking about all this with Felicity?”
“She’s your best friend. I won’t take that from you just because I might blush when I see her again.”
He smiled for the first time since our conversation had begun. “I’m not going to give her any details. I’m not that perverted.”
“Are you sure?”
His eyes widened, but then he grinned. “Daddy! I’m shocked.”
“I’d need to do more than that to shock you.”
“Why don’t you see if you can come up with something?” His smile faded. “Um… I mean… Whenever… If we…”
What if he went back to Asheville and decided he wanted to end things? I wouldn’t be with him like this again. I looked away for a moment and cleared my throat, wishing I didn’t have to face this reality. “Do you want pancakes with your bacon, or eggs and toast? The bacon is not negotiable.”
“Oh, really.” He pressed his lips together, like he was trying to hold in a laugh.
“Yes, really.” At least I could still entertain him.
“Pancakes, please.”
“Coming right up.” I prayed I could get through breakfast without breaking down and begging him to stay.