Chapter Twelve

Bailey

“No, that’s not the way it’s supposed to be done. Look!”

Sitting back on the impossibly tiny chair, I smiled at the twins who were in ‘Santa’s Workshop,’ learning how to make different things for Christmas. Reggie had decided he wanted to color Christmas balls while Gina was more interested in making Christmas cards. She already had one done, but the second she was working on was proving to be a little bit of a challenge. I could have helped her to get it over with, but I really wanted her to figure it out on her own.

I was pleased that Reggie put down his ball to show her how to use the paper scissors to cut the paper they had been given by one of Santa’s ‘elves’. Reggie was a real gentleman like his father. An ache blossomed in my chest as I thought about David. He would have been so proud of his kids. They were both beautiful and smart. Being on this cruise had also helped them a lot. Being in a different environment and away from the memories had done them a world of good. I had lost track of how many times they had laughed and played since being on the cruise. They had practically spent all day yesterday on the slides in the kiddie’s pool area.

At one point, I had regretted taking the tickets and using them, but seeing how relaxed they were, I had to admit that even if Arthur’s intentions hadn’t been pure, it had been beneficial. The kids adored the cruise and were already chatting about returning home to let everyone who would listen know they had been on a cruise.

The more time I spent with the kids, the more I tried to come up with solutions for having them stay with me. My desire to have them live with me was more than just about my promise to my brother. I had always been fond of my niece and nephew, but taking care of them exclusively made a world of difference. It made me feel like I was really their dad. How could I give them up and allow my mother to raise them?

I shuffled my fingers through Reggie’s hair, and he glanced up and smiled at me. “Look what I made!”

I took the ball from him and froze when I saw ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ spelled out in glitter. I checked he was okay, expecting to see the usual tears and sadness, but he just seemed excited at what he’d made.

“Good work, buddy,” I commended him. “It looks amazing.”

“Do you think they’d like it?” he asked.

“I’m sure they’d love it. Why don’t I keep it for you? We’ll put it up carefully and bring it to show them when we get back home.”

“But they won’t know I’m there,” he replied on a frown.

I couldn’t resist hugging him then. “Of course they’ll know you’re there. In fact, the good thing about having a Mommy and Daddy in heaven is that you can talk to them anywhere. They’ll hear you.”

His face brightened. “You believe so?”

I nodded. “Yes, I do. You have something you want to say to them?”

“Yes, I do.”

I held his little hand, and Gina who had been listening to our conversation held his other hand.

“Go ahead,” I encouraged him. “Tell them what you have to say.”

He nodded and stared down at the art supplies. “I-” He paused and glanced at me.

I nodded and gave him an encouraging smile.

"Uncle Bailey's awesome. He makes us do fun things, and I love the cruise we're on." Reggie paused, inhaling deeply before continuing. "I think he misses you, Daddy. Sometimes he gets really sad, which makes me sad too. I wish you didn't have to go, but I'm glad we have Uncle Bailey." He peeked up at me before hanging his head again. "I'm scared he'll go away too. I don't want him to go away like you and Mommy."

I cracked at that last statement and blinked furiously at the tears that threatened to fall. My heart ached for him that he thought about me leaving them. But wasn’t that exactly what was going to happen if I lost the house and Mother got custody of them? They’d already lost so much. I needed to find a way to keep us all together like David would have wanted.

“Ah, Reggie, you don’t have to be scared,” I assured him. “I don’t want you thinking about me going away, okay?”

“But Grandma says we’re going to live with her,” Gina stated for the first time since Reggie started talking. “She says you’re too young to be bothered taking care of us.”

I had to work hard not to show the rage that overcame me. I always knew my mother was manipulative, but that she would go so far as to say things to the twins about our living arrangements just fortified my reserve that I would do my best not to let her get her hands on them. The hand I used to brush Gina’s bangs out of her eyes shook slightly from anger. “Gina, honey, you’re not a bother. I’ll gladly take care of you even when you’re all big and grown up like me.”

She giggled. “No, you won’t have to take care of me then. I’ll take care of you ‘cause you’ll be old.”

I returned her smile. “Good. Now let’s finish up.”

Crisis averted, we returned to coloring and painting while I desperately tried to keep Arthur out of my mind. Since I had decided Emily needed a break from all the babysitting, I’d told her she could spend the day enjoying the amenities the ship had to offer without us undertow. That gave me the time to spend with the kids alone. Though fun, they both took a lot of energy. By eight, they were all spent, and I tucked them into bed. I fell right in with them, having forgotten how much energy was consumed to raise children alone. I couldn't help wondering where Emily had gone off to.

***

I woke up at the sound of our cabin door opening. I blinked at the darkness and stilled while trying to shake the sleep. I heard a stumble, so I turned on the bedside lamp and frowned at the sight of Emily trying to make her way to her bed. Her hair was a tousled mess, her clothes askew and shoes in hand. My mouth fell open as her face turned red. I had only seen her briefly this afternoon when she dropped by our cabin to shower and change before going out. I had thought nothing of it when she mentioned she was having dinner with a friend she met on the cruise.

“Don’t you dare judge me, Bailey,” she rasped at me, pushing her hair from her face.

I sat up in bed, making sure not to wake Reggie who was snoring. “I-I’m not judging you,” I replied softly. And I wasn’t, but she took me by surprise. I never thought she would have cheated on her husband.

“But I can see the questions in your eyes,” she remarked as she sat on a chair. “I know it was stupid of me, but I’ve been so lonely, and he was there. He made me feel like I mattered. I feel so horrible because I should be happy my husband is doing something as honorable as fighting for our country, but all I can think about is that I hadn’t had sex in fourteen months, Bailey! Fourteen months!”

She started to sob, and I hated seeing her this way. I always thought how brave she was to wait patiently for her husband to return to her. People rarely thought of the spouses of military men and women and how they were affected by having their loved ones gone most of the time. I hadn’t even thought of how it was affecting Emily, although I knew she had taken on helping to care for the kids to keep her occupied. I thought it would have worked for her, but apparently, she needed more. I could relate. Even now, knowing that Arthur had used me then kicked me out of his suite, I still craved him. Damn, our bodies would make us slaves of our own damn selves.

I went over to her, not knowing what to say. I patted her shoulder awkwardly. “Do you still love Steve?”

She sniffled. “I- I don’t know. How can I know? He’s been gone for so long. I’m not even sure anymore if I ever loved him. We were so young when we married, and most of our marriage he’s been gone.”

“Have you told him how you feel?”

She shook her head. “I can’t. He’s in one of the most dangerous places on Earth. I can’t tell him something like that over a phone call. I-I was hoping to tell him when he gets home, but then he said he wouldn’t get to come home this Christmas anymore.”

“Then you’ve already decided what you’re going to do,” I stated. “Think about it some more, and be sure, Emily. Go, get some sleep.”

I helped her into the bed, and she fell asleep just as soon as her head hit the pillow, still mumbling about how good it had felt being noticed tonight. I sighed, watching her and the two kids long after she had fallen asleep. I felt a little guilty that I had brought her on this trip which had caused her to cheat on her husband, but then I reminded myself that she had already planned to end her marriage. I felt bad for the guy. Steve was a nice man, if somewhat imposing and serious. To be honest, I didn’t think they suited at all, but I had never commented on their marriage.

I couldn’t get back to sleep no matter how I tried, so I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt before leaving the cabin. Everything was much more quiet, giving the cruise ship a different atmosphere than during the day. It felt almost romantic. No wonder Emily had fallen beneath its hypnosis and slept with someone she had just met. But, what excuse did I have? I had slept with Arthur before the cruise ship and had slept with him again. And, based on the direction of my thoughts tonight, I had learned nothing from the aftermath of both times we had sex. Why did I still want him when he had all but kicked me out of his suite the last time?

I found the quietest deck which was the uppermost one. I walked over to one railing where no one else was. In the semi-darkness, I could see a couple to the far left making out. I didn’t blame them. If I had someone special, I would be taking advantage of the perfect night as well.