Chapter 9
You awake?
Tyler checked the time before replying to Lauren’s text. Of course, I’m always wide awake at 4:05 a.m.
Are you being sarcastic?
Completely. What’s up?
Well, I am. :)
Tyler shook his head with a smirk. “No joke,” he said aloud before replying. And why are you up?
3 a.m. feeding. Unfortunately I didn’t fall asleep as quickly as he did. Now I’m awake with nothing to do.
Laundry? Tyler suggested. Vacuuming?
Ha ha. I have a maid for that.
“Of course,” Tyler mumbled. Read the Bible? Devotion?
Did that. For like forty minutes.
Tyler stared at the screen having no idea what to say when the next text arrived.
Sorry, guess I’m manicky. I shouldn’t have bothered you. I’ll talk to you later.
“You’re not bothering me,” Tyler said when she answered her phone. “I don’t think clearly enough to text fast at four a.m.”
“Well, you said you need to be in make-up at six, so I thought maybe you got up this early to shower and get ready.”
“I shower at night after work.” Tyler closed his burning eyes. “I wake up at 5:15 and leave by 5:30. Listen to the Bible or a sermon on the way in.”
“Why did you respond if you were asleep?” Lauren asked. “I figured your phone would be on silent.”
“It is, with you as the exception. I want to be available if you need me, even before the sun is up.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
The silence grew so long he wondered if she was crying.
“So, how can I help you?” Tyler asked, suddenly more awake. “Besides encouraging you to stay away from caffeine. I saw you drinking diet sodas this weekend.”
Lauren sniffed. “It’s just hard. I went from being surrounded by people to being alone. Bonnie had a doctor’s appointment and didn’t come in yesterday, so I didn’t speak to anyone, except David.”
“Not true. We talked.”
“We texted,” Lauren corrected him. “Which I appreciate, but it’s not the same. It’s been too quiet since Ruth’s family left Monday.”
Compassion grew in his heart for her. For years she had Adam beside her, every night and every morning. No wonder she feels alone.
“What did you do yesterday?” Tyler closed his eyes and yawned.
Lauren told him about David’s feeding and sleeping schedule, writing Bible studies for the Angel Houses, and sorting baby clothes. Then she asked about his day. He spoke of missed cues, camera angles, and lighting issues. As he described the technical aspects of lighting, he heard her yawn.
“Are you finally tired?”
“Getting there.” She yawned again. “How about you sing me to sleep?”
Tyler chuckled. “That was Mac’s job. I’m not a singer.”
“You’re fine. I like it when you sing to me.”
“When have I sung for you?”
“The morning I had David, ‘It is Well.’”
Tyler closed his eyes, recalling her uncertainty, his desire to fully surrender to the Lord, his prayer for her peace—
“Were you singing for me or God?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Mostly the Lord, but I wanted to calm your heart. I knew you were trying not to worry.”
“Will you sing to me?”
Her question was so sweet, he couldn’t refuse. A worship song from church on Sunday came to mind. Closing his eyes, he tried to sing to the Lord instead of her. As he sang of God’s mercy and grace, he felt a peace settling in his own heart. He thought she was asleep when he finished until she whispered, “Good night, Tyler.”
“Good night, Lauren.” He stretched, sitting up in bed. “God, thank You that she’s in my life.”
David’s shrieks woke her at 7:30 a.m. Running to his room, she found poop all over David, his sheets, and crib. The stench made her gag.
“It’s okay, little guy.” David’s screaming increased at the sound of her voice. “I know you’re hungry, but we need to wash you first.” She quickly stripped him, grabbed new clothes and a diaper. Scooping him up in one hand, she grabbed the soiled linens with the other. “Let’s get these downstairs so the entire house doesn’t reek.”
He began gnawing on her shirt. Though annoying, Lauren much preferred a wet pajama top to his screaming. After tossing the sticky sheets in the laundry room, she washed him in the guest bathroom, dressed him, and moved to the family room to feed him.
I have to sterilize his crib still and wash the sheets. Bonnie is out until Monday so I better wash them myself. Though she stared at the Bible on her phone, her mind raced with to-dos. Scratching her face, Lauren caught a whiff of herself. I definitely need a shower. The fridge is empty, so I better order groceries.
“Maybe we should invite Tyler for dinner,” she said aloud to David. “I could make salmon—”
You’re such an emotional mess. Why would he want to spend time with you? The thought came, He’s probably mad at you for waking him up so early.
David pushed Lauren away, signaling it was time to burp. After three pats, he spit up. She cringed at the feeling of it oozing down her neck and over her hair. “Thanks, son, that’s exactly what I needed.”
All morning Tyler’s mind was in a fog. Granted, he woke up an hour earlier than normal, but he consumed plenty of coffee to compensate. He didn’t feel tired but went to speak lines and they weren’t there. When he finally nailed the scene, the sound guy discovered the audio wasn’t working and it had to be redone.
“Hey bro, what’s going on?” Danny came up as Tyler grabbed a soda while Lucas figured out the audio issues.
“That obvious, huh?” Tyler opened his drink.
“Painfully so.” Danny took a soda for himself.
“I don’t know.” Tyler shook his head. “Something’s not right. I feel this heaviness. I can’t concentrate. Something’s going on, like a spiritual battle. Not here, but somewhere—”
“With Lauren?”
Tyler sighed. The minute Danny said her name, he knew that was it. It was her battle he sensed. He dropped to his knees. “Will you pray for her with me? It’s bad.”
“Absolutely, bro.” Danny knelt beside him.
After another spit up and thirty minutes of sanitizing his crib, Lauren massaged the knots from her neck as she walked to the laundry room. She cringed at the crusty milk on her skin and in her hair. “God, I just want a shower. Is that too much to ask?”
There were more buttons on the washing machine than the TV remote.
“I can do this.” She began with the settings. “It hasn’t been that long.”
Seven years, the thought came. You’re a spoiled rich girl who hasn’t a clue how to do anything domestic, let alone be a mother.
Pushing several buttons lit up the panel and water began to fill the drum. Dumping soap in, she held her breath as she tossed in David’s soiled sheets and clothes. There was sputtering and suddenly water was squirting from behind the machine into the air. Lauren screamed as she combatted the spray to reach the shut-off valve.
Water dripped from her hair, face, and clothes as she surveyed the damage.
Look at how pathetic you are, the thought mocked her.
You can’t be domestic.
You don’t even know how to operate a simple washing machine. Laughter seemed to follow the jeering. How do you think you can be a mom to David when you can’t even wash his clothes?
“I need to call Beth.” Lauren grabbed a towel from the guest room bath to dry herself. “She’ll know what to do—”
Listen to yourself. You need to call someone to call a repairman? Do you know how ridiculous that is? Normal people make calls for themselves. You can’t do anything.
“Fine. I can do this myself.” Searching appliance repair on her phone, she scrolled until finding one with “quality” in their name. Their first opening was the following Monday.
She continued to the second and third company.
“If it’s an emergency, I can fit you in today for an extra five hundred,” one man said after finding out her address.
She gave up after twenty minutes, completely frustrated and without making a decision.
You’re hopeless. Completely helpless. You can’t even book a simple appointment for a repair.
“God, give me wisdom,” she prayed out loud. Beth immediately came to mind.
“What’s up, girlfriend?” Beth answered.
“My washing machine is squirting water everywhere.” Lauren sighed. “Sorry to bother you, but I called a few repairmen and none can get to me before next week unless I drop a huge chunk of change. I don’t mind doing that, but it seems wrong. David had a disgusting blow out. If I wait too long we’ll need to call hazmat.”
Beth chuckled. “We bought that thing less than two years ago. I bet it’s under warranty. I’ll look it up and call you back.”
Lauren smiled when she hung up. “I did the right thing calling Beth. I didn’t know we had a warranty.”
Of course, because you don’t know anything about your life. Give it a year and you’ll be completely out of touch with your son. Who will you hire to be his nanny? Which one of your friends will end up raising him? Or maybe it’s time to hire a stranger.
She rubbed her temples. “I love David. Of course I’ll raise him—”
Until you travel to help at the centers. Or step back into children’s ministry. You know if they called you tomorrow, you’d go. All you need is an excuse to get out of this house. You’ll never be content staying at home, not with Adam gone.
“I’ve found contentment in all situations,” Lauren quoted.
You act like it, but inside you still hurt. You can’t think about him because you know the grief will crush you—
She closed her eyes. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
Her phone began to ring. Opening her eyes, she saw Tyler’s name and face on the screen.
Even he knows you can’t handle it. Go ahead, answer the phone, the thought taunted. Tell him how you’re falling apart.
Lauren paused. Am I falling apart? Maybe I am weak.
Her phone stopped ringing and a text from him arrived.
Hey, Lauren, how are you doing?
What will you say? You’re fine? the thoughts sneered. Or will you tell him the truth—that you’re unraveling...
Pretty busy. Talk later? Lauren texted back.
Sure. Call me if you need anything, he replied.
Lauren sighed. I don’t know, Lord. Am I only fooling myself?
At the sound of David’s fussing, she ran upstairs.
It’s only a matter of time before you break. The house, David, the ministry—it’s all too much for you. Lauren felt inundated by negative thoughts. You can’t do it yourself. You’ve never been able to stand.
“It’s okay, buddy.” Lauren scooped him up. She draped a blanket over her so she could lean him on her shoulder without getting him wet. “You’re okay.”
But you’re not. You never have been. One more problem and you’ll snap.
Tears welled in her eyes. God, is that true? Is it too much?
No sooner had she asked the question than the truth came. She didn’t know the verses word for word, but she knew the truth and spoke it loud and clear. “I am a new creation in Christ. The old has passed away. He’s doing a new work. I can do all things through Christ. God is for me, so who can stand against me?”
David’s crying subsided as he nuzzled into her neck.
“We’re okay, little guy.” She smiled as tears came. “We’re okay.”
“Do you think she’s all right?” Danny asked after Tyler texted her.
“I don’t know.” Tyler placed his phone in Danny’s hand. “Will you hold on to this? If she calls, answer it. I need to get my head back in the scene.”
“Absolutely.” Danny slipped Tyler’s phone into his pocket. “God’s got her, bro. She’ll be okay.”
At six o’clock when Lucas called it for the night, Danny handed Tyler his phone with a smile. “One text an hour ago. Thought I’d let you answer it.”
Tyler smiled as soon as he read it.
Dinner tonight, my place? Making salmon. :)
Sure, on my way. What can I bring?
“Looks like all is well.” Danny slapped Tyler on the back. “Study your lines tonight. Then Satan won’t have a foothold.”
“I will.” Tyler nodded, reading the next text.
Nothing. I ordered groceries today. See you soon.
Tyler slipped his phone in his pocket as he walked off the set. Thank You, God, for taking care of her today.
“Hello,” Tyler called letting himself in.
“In the kitchen,” Lauren answered.
He shifted the bouquet of flowers from his left hand to his right. The minute he caught a glimpse of her, his heart rate increased. Jeans, maroon button-down shirt, brown boots. Adios maternity clothes.
“Hey,” Tyler managed to say.
She swiveled from the chopping board, the sight of her face exhilarating him. “Hi. Glad you could come.”
“Didn’t want to miss your salmon.” He extended the flowers. “And I couldn’t come empty-handed.”
“Thank you.” Lauren accepted the mixed bouquet, immediately pausing to smell them. “How was your day?”
“Kind of a wreck.” Tyler reached for a vase from the top shelf above the stove. “Had a lot of issues with my lines, then the audio wasn’t working right.” Placing the vase in the sink, he began filling it with water. “How about you?”
“Pretty awful as well.” After chopping the ends off the flowers she arranged them in the vase. “Started with David having a major diaper blowout this morning, all over him, his crib, me…”
Tyler chuckled. “You can spare me the details, thanks.”
“Yeah, it was disgusting. Then when I got us all cleaned up, he did a major spit up all over my back, my hair, the couch.”
“Wow.” Tyler set the vase on the kitchen table.
“Totally disguising.” Lauren returned to chopping veggies. “I finally got his crib clean and laid him down for a nap. Before showering I decided to start a load of laundry. The washing machine went berserk, shooting water all over me.”
“Are you kidding?”
“No, it was crazy!” Lauren tossed the cucumbers, tomatoes, and broccoli in the salad. “Then the voices started—”
“Voices?” Tyler sat down.
“Yeah.” Moving to the table, she sat across from him. “I realize those negative thoughts, well, it’s like Satan, or his demons, trying to pull me into depression. I mean, I don’t hear audible voices, they’re like thoughts, but they aren’t my thoughts. They all start with ‘you.’ Like ‘you can’t handle it’ or ‘you’re falling apart.’ They kept at it, over and over, every time something frustrating happened.”
Chills came over Tyler at the thought of Satan, or demons, taunting her. “So, what’d you do?”
A smile slowly spread on her lips. “That’s the great part. I knew scripture. Not word for word, but I spoke it. I believed it. I stood on it.” She leaned back in her chair. “Beth found out the washing machine is under warranty. A guy is coming tomorrow. I showered and David and I took lunch to Shelly’s office. I ordered groceries and took a nap while David slept this afternoon.” She motioned to the stove where the platter of fish sat. “I made dinner.”
Tyler eyed her. “And you look great.”
“I feel great.” Lauren stood. “It’s fall and I’m okay.”
“Maybe a little manicky?” Tyler got up. “You are talking a bit fast.”
“I did have caffeine today.” Lauren grabbed the salad bowl and a dish of rice. “I’ll slow down so you can follow what I say.”
“Ha, ha. I’m only trying to help.” Carrying the bread in one hand and the fish platter in the other, he followed her to the dining room. “Is it okay for you to drink caffeine while you’re breastfeeding?”
“Up to sixteen ounces the doctor said. My peppermint mocha is only twelve. But I do sleep and think better without it. I’ll start weaning myself off tomorrow.”
“Unfortunately I can’t stay up all night with you. I have to spend serious time studying my script.”
“I could help.” Lauren sat at the seat to the left of the head where she always did. “I mean, I’m not an actress, but I can read.”
Tyler smiled. “That would be helpful.” He paused at the head of the table where she had put the second place setting. “I could sit across from you. It might be easier to talk.”
“No.” She patted the chair. “It’s fine.”
His eyes darted between Lauren and the chair. Adam’s chair. How could he sit in his best friend’s seat? Was it right? He wasn’t the man of the house, was he?
“I put it there out of habit.” Lauren bit her bottom lip. “I knew you were coming for dinner, but I was busy cooking and putting David down so I set the plate there. If you want to move, you can.”
“It’s fine.” Tyler sat. “I didn’t want you to think I’m trying to take his place.”
“I don’t. You’re my best friend.” Lauren chuckled. “Even in my manic state, I know that.”
He took a deep breath and offered her his hand. “Let’s pray.”
Every smile warmed his heart. Her laughter was music to his ears. Their conversation even felt different. Lighter. Joy filled her eyes, peace seemed to reside in her spirit. She was free.
“You really feel different?” Tyler asked after dinner.
“I do.” Lauren nodded. “All those years, it didn’t start within me. It was Satan trying to pull me down. When I listened to his lies long enough, I ended up depressed. No doubt he’ll try and trip me up like he did today, but I know the truth. It resides in my heart. If I speak it, he will flee.” A grin spread across her lips. “Guess I have little guy to thank for that. I listened to scripture so much while I was in the hospital, it settled deep. I still fall asleep listening to it most nights. Peace washes over me as soon as it starts to play.”
“The peace of God which transcends all understanding—”
“Will guard your heart and mind,” Lauren finished.
“Amen.”
When they finished eating, they moved to the couch in the family room.
“I’ll set the scene for you,” Tyler said as Lauren looked over the script. “It’s suspected that Danny stole prescription drugs from a teacher at school. His parents have just returned home from the principal’s office. Money has been missing around the house, but we’ve been in denial.”
Lauren raised an eyebrow. “I’ll read the lines, but I’m not acting.”
“That’s fine.” Tyler smiled. “I need to work on saying mine.”
“Do I yell ‘cut’ if you get it wrong?” She smirked.
“If I’m close, go with it or we’ll be here all night.”
Lauren laughed, pulling her feet onto the couch. “You start.”
Bowing his head, Tyler took a deep breath. “Margaret, come sit. We need to talk.”
“I need to start dinner if we’re going to eat tonight...”
“Please, Margaret, sit.” Tyler paused before lifting his head. “We both know something’s not right with Danny.”
“He’s been stressed,” Lauren read. “I think math is too hard this year. You know math has always been hard for him and he hates science. And he’s feeling pressure to do well at baseball after what happened in the semi-finals last year.”
“It’s not about science or math, or even baseball. He’s doing drugs. He stole the teacher’s prescription drugs from her desk.”
“I don’t think it was Danny. I mean, it could have been any kid—”
“And the cash that’s gone missing in this house? The phones he claimed someone stole?”
“It’s a tough school. I don’t doubt those kids—”
“Not three phones in four months.” Tyler sighed, running his hands through his hair. “We need to face the facts. Our son is a drug addict.”
Lauren’s heart began to race. “But he can’t be. We raised him going to church. Sundays and Wednesdays. Vacation Bible School. He used to volunteer—”
“Used to.”
“He got busy. School is hard this year. He’s under a lot of pressure—”
“Margaret, STOP!” Tyler screamed, causing Lauren to jump. “He’s a drug addict. Our boy hasn’t been right with the Lord for a long time. It doesn’t matter what we did—”
“It needs to matter.” Tears blurred Lauren’s vision. “We raised him in the Lord. We did what was right.”
“God gives us free choice. He’s making bad choices.”
“He’s a good boy.” Lauren’s voice shook. “I’ve raised him to be a good boy and love the Lord. I prayed with him to accept Christ when he was five. He was baptized at ten—”
“I know.” Tyler’s voice softened. “I was there.”
“But you weren’t. You were too busy, working, planning his future in baseball.” The volume of Lauren’s voice increased. “All you care about is baseball. I read the Bible to him, I prayed with him and for him. I monitored the movies he watched and the games he played. I drove him to baseball, Bible study, birthday parties. I did everything I could. He has to be okay. If he’s not, I failed.” A tear rolled down her cheek.
“You’re an amazing mom.” Tyler brushed the tear away. “You didn’t fail. He’s choosing poorly. Satan has a grip on him.”
“What do we do?” Lauren swallowed the lump rising in her throat.
“We pray. We take him to rehab. We stop pretending it’s not happening, because it is.” Tyler embraced her. “We trust the Lord to take care of our boy and carry him through this. Carry all of us through this somehow.”
Lauren closed her eyes, relaxing in his arms. “That’s my greatest fear. That David will be manic like me and fall away from God. Do awful things he’ll regret for the rest of his life—”
“Don’t go there, Lauren.” Tyler ran his hand down her hair. “You need to continue living your life in the light and raise him in the Word. Teach him the consequences of sin and the blessings that come from following God. Even if he strays, God will take care of him. The Lord has used every hard situation in your life for good. He’ll do the same for David.” He backed away so he could look into her face. “There’s a verse in Deuteronomy that says God will keep His covenant and pour out His love on a thousand generations who love Him and keep His commandments. I believe He will bless David for your obedience in dealing with your depression.”
“I can’t even imagine how Danny’s mom got through it.”
“God used it to refine her faith, his entire family’s faith. Made it pure as gold.”
His reference to 1 Peter made her smile.
“You need to meet Margaret. Truly an amazing woman of God. Probably a lot like your mom.”
“How can you say that? You never met her.”
“But I know her daughter. I believe she had enough faith to bless a thousand generations.” Tyler pushed Lauren’s hair behind her ear. “And I know her husband. He tells great stories about her.”
“Yes, he does.”
“No fear.” Tyler locked eyes with her. “Perfect love casts out all fear.”
Lauren nodded. “No fear, only faith.”
She cuddled with David longer than usual after feeding him at midnight. Gazing into his face, Lauren prayed for him physically and emotionally. She prayed against depression and mania. She prayed for a sound mind. Most of all, she prayed for his salvation, that he would walk with the Lord every day of his life.
“He’s Yours, Lord. I know You love him more than I do. Make him completely Yours.”