Emily’s the most beautiful girl in the world.

I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. She’s fallen asleep next to me and I’m looking at her now, just taking in the way the sheet clings to the curves of her body. I see one nipple peeking over the covers, rosy and soft, and I have to restrain myself from pulling the sheets back just so I can see the entirety of her body. I don’t even care if I sound like a pansy (or maybe a creep) right now: I could watch her sleep like this for the rest of my life.

I don’t even know how it got to this point. Sure, there was some chemistry between us right from the start, but this… This is simply too much. My heart beats faster whenever I look at her, my blood boils and my mind races. She’s like a toxin, one that’s as lovely as it is addicting.

Yeah, I can no longer act cool and pretend that I want to keep things casual. It’s time to face reality and admit what I really want; I can’t pussyfoot around it anymore. Let’s face it: I want her, and I want her bad. It hasn’t been a long time, sure, but I’m more than ready for it. I’m going to ask her to be exclusive with me, which I guess you can translate as the R word: relationship.

Smiling to myself, I let relief wash over me. I’ve been so afraid of commitment all of my life, but now… Now it just feels right. Maybe this is how love works. It falls on your lap and demands all of your attention, and it doesn’t give up until it has what it needs.

“Emily,” I whisper her name softly, and she stirs in her sleep. I really don’t want to wake her up, but I can’t wait till morning. I need to tell her how I feel, and I need to do it before I have the time to second guess myself. “I want to say something. I need you to —”

I’m cut short by the sound of my phone vibrating on the bedstand and, reacting on instinct alone, I roll to the side and grab it. I unlock it in a hurry, and that’s when I realize that I’m not holding my phone.

It’s Emily’s.

Realizing my mistake, I’m about to put the phone back on the bedstand when my eyes catch a glimpse of a text message. It’s from someone called Freeway. I look at the name for a couple of seconds, my heart pulsing like a jackhammer inside my chest. Freeway? Who the hell could it be? Fuck, I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t help myself.

I press my thumb on the text message icon and, looking to the side to make sure Emily’s still asleep, I open Freeway’s text.

Are we on for Monday?, the text reads. I want you to wear something sexy… Maybe something I can take off easily with my teeth.

No, fuck, it can’t be. It just can’t.

I read the message over and over again, until each and every word seems to be burning a hole through my brain. There’s no other way to put it; Emily’s seeing other men.

Oh man, I feel like such a fucking idiot right now.

Holding my breath, I put the phone back on the bed stand and lie down, careful not to wake Emily up. I stare at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity, Freeway’s text message stabbing my mind like a spear.

I was more than ready to forget all about that ‘let’s keep it casual’ bullshit, but I guess I ended up putting the cart ahead of the fucking horse. It might be a dumbass thing to think, but it feels like the universe is playing some kind of cruel joke on me. First, I get to meet the girl of my dreams, and she thinks exactly like me… And then that’s exactly what steamrolls my hopes for the future.

But what the hell did I expect? The world doesn’t play nice with you just because you decided to change your ways. I was the one that told her I wanted to keep things casual, and now I’m getting what I deserve. I wish I could say this means nothing to me, that Emily’s just another girl… But then I’d be lying.

It doesn’t matter, though; I need to be strong. Emily’s an indepdent woman, and she isn’t ready to settle down just yet. Maybe that’s the universe’s way of telling me (in a rather sick way) that maybe I shouldn’t be thinking of settling down. Maybe I’m not even meant for it. Maybe I’m supposed to keep on living my life just the way I have.

Man, that’s a depressing thought.

All my life I thought that being single was the way to go, but now that I’ve met Emily… Now that I’ve caught a glimpse of what my life could be like with the right woman by my side… How am I supposed to go back to my old ways?

“Mm…” Emily groans, rolling to the side and laying one hand on my chest. She opens her eyes lazily, and then looks up at me, offering me a smile. “You awake? I thought I heard you say my name…” she whispers, and I just look away from her. I stare at the long shadows covering the whole room, the thoughts inside my head like dead tree branches, gloomy and scary.

“No… Go back to sleep,” I whisper back at her, stroking her hair softly.

“You too…” she says, trailing off as she closes her eyes. A few seconds later and she’s back asleep, her chest rising and falling steadily. I lie there, in the dead of the night, the silence and the shadows as my sole company.

Is this how it feels when your heart starts to fucking crack?