Selena

 

The paramedics barge past me, pulling a stretcher. I catch a glimpse of the guy: tall at around six foot two; hair as red as fire; clean-shaved, with a wicked mouth that I can imagine smiling if he wasn’t passed out; strong-looking, with muscles pressing through his hoodie. I find myself thinking it’s a shame someone so good-looking has been shot, and then feel guilty for the thought.

 

My thoughts have been scattered like leaves lately. Maybe it’s Clint, haunting me now as he haunted me for years. Maybe it’s the idea that Clint will emerge like a jack-in-the-box and spring right into my face, cackling madly. “I asked you to clean the draining board. I’m sure I asked you to do that. Well, didn’t I? Didn’t I?” And there I stood, timid, mouse-like, less than a shadow because at least a shadow has some hazy substance.

 

I walk through the hospital feeling like a zombie. Life isn’t fair, I reflect. If life was fair I wouldn’t be walking up these stairs. I tell myself to stop being so self-pitying. It’s strange, but I was less self-pitying when the horror was happening. It seems hindsight has let me see how screwed up things really were.

 

I pause outside Mom’s room and take a deep breath. I’ve visited her every day since she was moved here and I still feel dread fall over me each time I’m about to open the door. I think of all the times Mom carried me as a kid, lifting me over her head and holding me to the sky until I truly believed I was going to fly away. Jasmin Selwyn was a strong woman, the type of woman who seemed like a sturdy tree to me as a child. Nothing could harm her, I believed. Nothing could penetrate that thick oak.

 

I open the door and walk to her bed, where she lies like a fallen bird. She’s skinnier than I’ve ever seen her, bordering on anorexic. Her gorgeous blonde hair has fallen out, replaced with a yellow bandana instead. Her cheeks are sunken, her eyes heavy with dark bags. She turns her head slowly at my entrance. A tiny smile touches her gray lips. “It’s …” She wheezes and closes her eyes. Her lungs are failing her; her body has deserted her.

 

“Mom.” I sit down and hold her hand. I can feel the bones poking through her skin like twigs through wet paper. “How are you doing today?”

 

“Fine.” She gives my hand a pitifully weak squeeze. “The doctor is petitioning the health insurance company on my behalf. She is a good person.”

 

Doctor Ames has been trying to get Mom approved for surgery which might save her life, but of course, the health insurance company has found a loophole which lets them dodge the bill.

 

“I’ll pay for it,” I say for perhaps the hundredth time.

 

“Ha!” She coughs out the laugh. “And be in debt for the rest of your life?”

 

“I’m already in debt.”

 

“Yes, but that’s civilized debt.”

 

My student loan bought me an English literature degree which in turn earned me a manager’s job behind the desk at a warehouse sorting center. And yet, the boring job doesn’t bore me. After Clint a little mundanity is welcome.

 

“Is this civilized?” I gesture to her wasting body. “It makes me sick.” I soften. “Sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean that you make me sick. I meant—”

 

“I know what you meant. I’m tired, Selena. My bones are tired. My brain is tired. My tongue is tired and my knees are tired. Every part of me is tired. All the little things in your body you never think about are tired. My toes are tired. I wriggle them and I feel as if I’ve just run a marathon. Surgery or darkness—give me either. I can’t wait anymore.”

 

“Mom.” The tears spring unbidden. “Don’t say that.”

 

“And I suppose your father has not yet made the trip?”

 

“No,” I mutter. “He’s still in New York.”

 

“The big man in the big city burying his face in big titties. You know I wrote his first poem, don’t you, dear? The big fancy poet and I wrote his first poem! The one who made that professor over at NYU write him! Did you know that?”

 

“Yes.” I lean down and kiss her hand. Her voice is weak but her words are fierce. “I know. You’ve told me before.”

 

“‘A Kiss of Summer Rain,’” she says. “And there I was, stuck working behind the cash register because he made me stay at home to raise—not that I ever regretted it.”

 

“I know, Mom. I hate him.” During my time with Clint—my time in hell—I’d often thought about Dad in New York at his expensive dinners while his daughter was in Texas being terrorized. “He should’ve been here for us.”

 

“It seems the Selwyns are destined to choose bad men.”

 

“Maybe,” I say quietly.

 

“And what about you? Have you thought more about children? Twenty-six, Selena. My grandmother had seven children at your age.”

 

“Poor woman.”

 

“I’m just saying there was a time when women wanted to raise a family.”

 

“There was also a time when women couldn’t vote or own property, Mom. Let’s be glad we’ve moved on a little, yeah?”

 

“Her with these big college ideas!” She rolls her eyes. “I’m not saying women should become broodmares, but what’s wrong with letting your body feel what it feels? If it wants a child …”

 

“I never said my body wanted a child.” I smooth my fingers over her knuckles.

 

“But surely you do?” She stares at me, wide-eyed. She has the same green eyes as me, though hers are a little dimmer now.

 

“One day,” I say.

 

In truth, I’ve thought a lot about children since Clint and I broke up. My main source of anxiety with Clint was that he might get me pregnant. I’d hide the contraceptive pill in my locker at work and make sure to take it every day. I couldn’t stand the idea of being inextricably tied to him in that way. But since I was freed from that prison, I’ve given it a lot more thought. It was never the idea of having a child that terrified me; it was just having one with Clint. In fact, now every time I see tiny baby’s clothes or a mother cradling her child I feel a sudden urge deep inside of me, as if I can do something truly worthwhile, as if I can give love and be loved. In truth, the urge has been getting stronger as Mom has been getting weaker.

 

“You’re in the clouds,” Mom says after a long pause.

 

“I’m just thinking.”

 

“About babies?”

 

I shrug. “Maybe.”

 

“Don’t maybe me, missy. I see the look in your eye. It’s okay. I know you’re this cool modern chick—”

 

“I really wish you’d stop talking like that,” I say, giggling. “I work nine to five and spend my evenings watching TV or reading like a hermit—and coming here to visit you. That’s hardly being a cool modern chick, is it?”

 

“Please don’t interrupt me.” She smiles, but then her face grows dead serious. With an effort she leans up, coughing and spluttering, and grips my hand with both of hers. I sit up, watching her closely, shocked by this sudden change. She grips my hand with surprising strength. “I want to talk to you seriously now, Selena.”

 

“Okay …”

 

She coughs again, bloody mucus spattering her hospital gown. I’ve seen her cough like that countless times but it never gets easier. I feel myself weakening. This is my mother, my oak-strong mother, the woman who carried me into the world and who’s too young to go like this. She’s only forty-seven, but the illness has aged her by a decade.

 

“I need you to promise me that you’ll have a child,” she says, wheezing heavily. “I can’t …The insurance company isn’t going to listen to Doctor Ames. Health insurance companies never listen to anybody but the dollar. They don’t care about people like me. I’m going, Selena. I’m going down the long tunnel, and I hope and pray that God is there to meet me.”

 

“Don’t say that.” Tears slide down my cheeks freely. They taste salty in my mouth. “You don’t know. Don’t say that!”

 

“I know.” She nods shortly. “I know what’s waiting for me. And I’ll face it as bravely as I’m able. But I can’t go into the darkness thinking about you never having a child because of that sick, evil man. Clint.” She says the name like a curse. “He can’t rob you of the greatest joy a person can know.” She leans forward, lips trembling. She’s crying even harder than me now. “Promise me, Selena.”

 

Before I can answer she flies backward into the bed, seized by a coughing fit. I get her a glass of water and wait patiently, watching as she hocks up bits of her insides. Watching a loved one slowly die, fading away like the paling of the moon in daylight, is the hardest thing there is. Selfish thoughts go through my head as she lies there coughing. A car accident, instant death, mourning and moving on …falling down a ladder …tripping over a wire …anything but this slow fading.

 

Finally, the coughing fit passes. I dab her mouth with a folded-up napkin and bring the cup of water to her lips. She sips, splutters, sips some more. Then she turns to me with a desperate expression, fear etched into each of her features. She’s struggling to stay awake, I can tell.

 

“You need to look me in the eye and promise me,” she says. “I don’t want to put pressure on you, dear, but I need to know. If I should die tonight, or tomorrow, or in a week or two—I need to know that when I’m gone …Please, Selena, please, promise me!”