Meri

I got back to work and tried my best to ignore what Sam and I had done at lunch. It was over the top and I still couldn’t believe that he had done such a thing in front of all of those people, but there was no denying that I liked it. It had felt so damn good, making me remember in such gory detail how much I missed how he made my body sing. I wanted that again, but knew that I shouldn’t. I already loved him and each word passed between us, each touch, just made me want him more, saddening me when the realization that I am never going to have him for my own set in. Sam is not the type of man to be held down and I am not the type of woman to be so free about it all, no matter how much I wanted to be for him.

Grant was getting flirty again and in spite of the great lunch with Sam, I knew that I needed to get my mind off of him. It was that reason only that I told Grant that I would go out with him. He wasn’t my type, if I had one and he was a safe choice. I could be with him and not really worry about feelings. We could just be friends and I could really use the diversion to get my mind off of the boss.

We were about to go to dinner when I heard Sam calling my name. It was the second time that he had sought me out in the accounting department in the same day, my first day and I really could have strung him up at this point. It was just making it far too obvious and I couldn’t believe that he couldn’t see it. Or maybe he didn’t care. Either way, I could already see by the look on Grant’s face that he at least noticed what was going on.

“Do you want me to give you a minute Meri or have our plans changed?”

The look on Sam’s face, so smug pissed me off. After what he had done to me at the restaurant, I wanted more, but not like this. I wasn’t going to let him think that I had no choice. I had already made plans with Grant and I wasn’t going to change them now. I told Sam that I didn’t want people gossiping about me, but he was doing nothing to stop that from happening.

“Our plans haven’t changed Grant. What can I do for you Sir?”

Sam was eying Grant and I had a feeling that no matter what I said, Grant was going to give us a moment alone. He didn’t want to get in trouble with the boss and I didn’t blame him. The work and pay here at the firm were really good and it was far more laid back then it would be at another place.

“I am going to go grab those last reports for the day Meri. I will be back in a few minutes.”

He was abandoning me and I looked after him, a little perturbed that he had such small gonads to do that. He could have stuck it out with me. I didn’t want to tell Sam no. I had never been good at that.

Sam waited until Grant left before he turned towards me. “You have plans tonight?”

He was not happy and that very fact made me smile. It was genuine smile and I liked the idea that I had put such a damper on his smug mood. The idea of him with other women made me feel about like how he looked at the moment and I liked to think that was for a reason.

“Yes we are going to go out to dinner. He was nice enough to ask and I think it will be fun.”

Sam scoffed at me. “Fun, huh?”

“Yes, what is wrong with having a little fun after work?”

“Nothing, as long as it is with me and not Grant.”

I waved him off and told him that he was being childish. It wasn’t what Sam wanted to hear, but I didn’t care what he wanted to hear. He didn’t own me and he didn’t have the right to act like he did. I don’t know why I was so angry, but I knew that it was partially because I wanted what he offered. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted more than to just be together for a short time. I wanted more than just a few dalliances after work. I wanted him for keeps, even though he wasn’t that type of guy. Nothing else was going to do.

Sam grabbed my shoulders and pulled me in for a kiss. “You are mine Meri. Don’t act like you are interested in Grant.”

The more he pushed, the angrier I became. It wasn’t his business what I did in my free time and I could go out with anyone that I wanted. I didn’t belong to anyone.

“I am interested in Grant as a friend. I am leaving now Sam. If there is nothing else.”

“Don’t leave like this Meri.”

It was a warning and I never did well with those or ultimatums.

“I must go Sam, Grant is waiting for me. I will see you tomorrow.”

I left the room and I almost expected him to try and stop me. I don’t know how I felt about the fact that he let me go. Again I wanted him to stop me and take all of what he said back, but that just wasn’t going to happen, I knew this now.

I heard my name and the tone in Sam’s voice made me look back. “What happened to us, Meri?”

“First you wanted me and then you told me that it was over. Then you hire me and finger me under a table. You are coming onto me now like I have no choice. Do I really have to tell you how confusing this is Sam?”

His face fell and he shook his head that I didn’t have to explain any further. Now I didn’t want to leave like this, but I wasn’t going to back down now. I had made him think, wasn’t that enough?

I left the building and wished that it had ended differently. Grant was going on about something in the office, but I wasn’t really paying attention. My mind was wrapped up in Sam, even though I didn’t want it to be. I really couldn’t find a way to get him off of my mind.

The restaurant that Grant took me to was much different than the one I had been to earlier in the day with Sam. It was more my style of a place and I felt more comfortable there with him. It felt like I belonged there, though when I was with Sam it felt like I was out of place and some kind of fraud.

“So what was that all about with Sam earlier?”

We were looking at the menu and I put it down before I answered. I wanted to gauge what he was thinking and I had a feeling that I knew. It was the same accusation in his eyes as before. He wanted to know what was going on with me and Sam. Hell, I didn’t even have the answer to that question.

“Just some work stuff, nothing too important.”

Grant didn’t seem like he believed me and I wanted him to think that work was all that me and Sam had between us.

“I don’t believe you Meri. That man doesn’t care about work and the accounting of his money that much. I don’t think I have seen him down where we work that much the whole time I have worked there. Sam is coming down to see you.”

I was a little shocked that Grant spoke so plainly about it and I didn’t know what to say. This was supposed to be a nice diversion to stop thinking about Sam. This wasn’t going to be that at all if all he wanted to talk about was Sam.

“Well I don’t really care what his intentions are. I never have worried too much about all of that. I need the job, so that is what I focus on.”

Grant still wasn’t convinced, but I hope I made it clear that I had no desire to continue talking about it. I pulled the conversation from Sam and me, asking him about himself. I hadn’t met a guy yet that didn’t like to talk about himself and Grant wasn’t the rare few that didn’t. I was glad to know that Grant wasn’t that much different than all of the rest. I learned a lot about him and even though there was no kind of chemistry between us, I knew that we could be friends. He was funny and less pretentious then most of the people I had met in this world.

By the end of the evening, I was feeling better about work and I hoped that I had convinced Grant that me and Sam had nothing going on. He tried to kiss me as we were leaving the restaurant, but I dodged it and his kiss landed on my cheek. I smiled at him, but I could see the yearning in his eyes. He didn’t get what he wanted and when he leaned in for another kiss, I sidestepped it all together and told him I would see him at work tomorrow.

I drove home and thought about what kind of a mess I had put myself in. I cared about a man that I couldn’t have and was already getting additional admirers that I didn’t want. I swear that there was some way for guys to know that something in me had changed. It was like they knew that I was a full woman now and my loss of innocence made them more aware of that. It was silly to think about, but that’s how it felt. Or maybe now I was more attuned to a man’s desires and how he showed it. Either way, it was harder to deal with men now.

Pulling into the driveway of my apartment, I saw a blacked out car that looked familiar from before. I knew before I saw him that Sam was in there. “What is he doing here?”

I parked and got out, waiting for the car door to open as well. When it did, I didn’t look back, just fished out the key for the front security door and waited a few moments for Sam.

“How did you know it was me?”

“I had a feeling that it was you when I saw the car. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“So you aren’t here to see if I was going home alone tonight or not, right?”

Sam had a look on his face and I could tell that it was definitely one of the reasons that he was here. He didn’t like that I knew and I just waved it all off.

“How did you know that I wouldn’t stay the night with him?” I had no intentions on doing such a thing, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I had bothered him just a little bit. Served him right. He had me all twisted up inside.

We got to the door and I stopped. He thought he was coming in with me, but I wasn’t going to let that happen.

“Sorry Sam. I am really tired. It was a long day and I am ready for some sleep. I would invite you in, but I don’t think that I would be very good company.”

Sam didn’t like my answer and for a second I thought he was going to insist. I don’t know what I would have done if he had. I would have most likely let him in and let it play out like it was supposed to, but that didn’t happen. Instead he told me to have a good night and he moved back down the stairs, only looking back once before he left out of the front door. Why did I feel like I had just made a mistake in letting him go?