The hotel in midtown Manhattan is arranged perfectly while everything else in my life is a mess. I look around and want to leave already. This is the worst possible place for me, being in this room, all dressed up but feeling naked and exposed. I was on camera when I found it all out, everyone saw. But more than that, he ripped me wide open when we spoke.
I hear people moving around me but I don’t see faces. “Cat, there’s a small problem in the bar area.” Taylor’s hand touches my shoulder and I jump.
“Sorry, Tay. What did you say?” I close my eyes and dispel all my issues for the moment, willing myself to focus.
When I finally look up, Taylor smiles and repeats her previous statement. “The rooftop bar is claiming we didn’t reserve it exclusively. I handled it, but I figured you’d want to know,” she says and looks at me, waiting.
Everything is in slow motion.
“Catherine? Can you handle this?” she questions me.
“I don’t know,” I say, looking up into her eyes, begging her to help me in some way. I feel lost. “I’m going to need you to stay by my side.”
“Is he coming?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I assume he is, but please,” I grip her wrists and plead, “Keep him away from me. I can’t.”
She twists to hold my hands in hers. “I think one day you’ll see the strength you actually have. You’re going to get through this, but I’ll be by your side the entire night.”
I attempt to smile but fail. “Thank you.”
“You look beautiful, by the way.” She releases my hands and grabs her phone and answers. “Yes, I’m aware but the contract states differently.” She pauses letting the other person speak. “Oh, that’s fine, but then I want a full refund.” Another pause. “You seem to have me confused with someone who cares what your problem is. I’ll either be getting a full refund or you’ll secure the roof. Figure it out.” Taylor disconnects the phone and I’m impressed.
“Well, looks like my sweet, timid assistant has found her New York attitude.”
“After spending enough time around you, it was bound to happen. Besides, when you get this new job, I’m hoping I’ll be moved up as well.” She smiles and I make a mental note to make sure that happens.
“If I get the promotion.”
“You’ll get it. I believe in you.”
A few guests start to filter in and when I glance around the room, making sure everything is running smoothly—I see him. He’s sitting at a table watching me. I want to look anywhere else, but my eyes don’t move. We assess each other unsmiling and unwilling to break the only connection we have right now. His eyes don’t waver even as someone approaches him. The hurt radiates through me remembering why we’re like this. This morning, the sight of him made my heart race, but right now it makes me sick. Refusing to give him any more of my attention, I turn my head and walk to the bar.
“What can I get you?” the bartender asks, wiping the granite counter.
“A lemon drop.”
“Martini or drink?”
“Shot.”
He looks at me with a brow raised. Yes, I said shot. If I’m going to spend the next however many hours in the same room as my client, I need a little liquid courage.
“One lemon drop shot coming right up.”
“You know what, fuck it. Just give me a shot of vodka.” No need to pretty it up.
The bartender turns and places the shot in front of me, and before he can say anything, I throw the shot back and savor the burn. At least I can feel it. The alcohol flows through me and warms me.
“Another,” I demand, and instead of any commentary, he refills my shot glass. “Thanks.”
Without wasting any time I take that shot and place the glass down.
This is going to be a long night.
“So you’re going to get drunk?” I turn and see Taylor looking at me with wide eyes.
“That was so I’d be able to be in the same room as him. Is it hot in here?”
Taylor shakes her head, “I think that’s the shots. You need to introduce everyone in five.”
I nod and head back into the staging area behind the curtain. The party is meant to be a fun way for everyone to see everything and get to meet the members of the company. We wanted to show that as much as Raven is a corporation, they’re more of a family. Ironic. It seems that statement is true in more than one way.
The room quiets and I take my place back on stage. I wonder what fun information I’ll learn this time.
“Good evening and welcome,” I smile somehow and hope it’s sincere enough. This is your job, Catherine. Keep it together. “On behalf of Raven Cosmetics, we want to thank you for all being here to celebrate the launch of the new line. I’d like to introduce the CEO, so please put your hands together for Jackson Cole.” I clap and wait for him to stand as Taylor hands him a microphone.
I close my eyes and try to block out the sound of his voice. “Thank you, thank you.” He pauses and waits for the applause to end. “I wanted to personally thank you all for being here, and I’m grateful to be able to spend this evening with you as well. This product line has been something that we’ve worked on for a few years and are extremely pleased it’s ready to be launched. Sometimes the timing isn’t right,” Jackson pauses and looks directly at me. “I wanted to be sure everything was in order before going forward and ensuring success.” His eyes don’t move from mine. This is not the speech I wrote for him.
Son of a bitch.
“There are many things I planned to say tonight, but I’m having trouble remembering them all.” He chuckles and the crowd joins him. “This was never a company I thought I’d have a hand in. As life happens, things change. We have to make choices and they aren’t always the right ones, but we have to live with that.” He pauses and looks around the room. “Today was a great day for Raven and I appreciate you all being here. Please enjoy yourselves and we look forward to many more celebrations together.” He raises his glass and everyone claps.
I stand there dumbfounded at his words spoken directly to me. He’s mingling with the guests but manages to look over and cement me to the ground.
Hate.
Love.
Anger.
Pain.
Lies.
Swirling around like a funnel cloud in my heart. Each twist tears another piece of me to shreds. He continues to hold my gaze until I hear someone behind me.
“Come on, Cat.” She grasps my elbow and pulls me over to the side.
I draw a deep breath and when I let it out, a sob breaks free. Standing where no one can see me, I lose it. I fall apart. The tears stream down my face and Taylor pulls me against her.
“Oh my God.” My breathing is short and I begin to hyperventilate. “I can’t be here,” I say aloud while I struggle to catch my breath.
“Go. I can handle anything that might come up here. Everything’s basically done.”
“I’m so sorry, Taylor.” I hold my torso hoping to keep myself together long enough to get out of here without falling apart again. “Just being in the same room as him right now …” I trail off when I see him standing in front of me.
“You’re leaving?” he asks calmly but the hurt is lingering under his question.
I look at him up close for the first time since the apartment. His eyes are bloodshot and he’s barely holding it together. “Why do you care?” I ask acerbically.
“Really?” Jackson scoffs.
“I apologize, Mr. Cole, that was unprofessional. I’ve done my job. My staff is more than capable of handling any issues.”
Jackson pushes forward and I step back. Seeing me retreat, he stops and looks down. “Taylor, can you give me a moment with my publicist please?” Jackson says softly and I look at her, pleading with my eyes not to leave me. Instead she places a hand on my shoulder and exits the room.
He turns to me, “I know you want space, but I’m asking you to give me five minutes. I don’t deserve it. I know that. But please, I need to explain.”
A tear falls and I straighten myself to stand tall. “If you would’ve trusted me, none of this would be happening. I’d be sitting at that table, holding your hand, whispering about what we could do when we leave. Instead, I have mascara down my face, a dress I want to burn, and a broken heart. I don’t have five minutes to give you tonight.”
I grab my clutch from the chair and start to leave, but he clasps my arm, stopping me. “Don’t you get it?” I ask.
“I deserve a chance to explain.”
“You’re right. You did. A month ago. Instead, you kept something from me. You did what every other man in my life has done. In one second, you managed to prove you’re no different. My father, Neil, hell, throw in my mother if you want … none of them hurt me as much as you managed to. But instead I was humiliated. I was thrown in front of cameras and left to find out something like that—publicly. So while I’d love to let you explain, Mr. Cole,” I sneer while wriggling my arm from his grip, “You had your chance.” I turn on my heel without another word.
Each step I take I feel pain—physical pain. How does it hurt so bad?
“I never lied about how I feel,” he calls out and I pause. “I love you, Catherine. I would walk through fire for you,” Jackson says and my heart stops.
I turn and look at him. “You wouldn’t have had to. I would’ve put out the flames before they reached you. Instead you managed to burn me yourself.”
Seeing the agony spread across his face at my words nearly kills me. I wanted to love him, protect him, not destroy him—too bad he didn’t want the same things.
“Okay, I know it’s only six a.m., but I need you to wake up,” Ashton says, rubbing my back.
“Are you for real?” I ask groggily as I look over at my clock, hoping she was lying about the time. “Ashton! It’s six in the morning.” I roll back over trying to hide my face.
“Yeah, well. I saw the press conference and I need you to talk to me.”
I open one eye exasperated at my best friend. “I don’t need to talk. I’m done.”
“Is he married?”
“I don’t know,” I say and start to sit up.
“What do you mean you don’t know? How the hell don’t you know? What did he say?” She fires off questions so fast I can’t answer. She stands and puts her hands on her hips. “Answer me!”
“Don’t yell at me!” I say as I get out of bed and head into the bathroom. What is with all the people in my life and their damn demands?
When I come out of my bathroom, she’s sitting on the bed with an apologetic look. “I didn’t mean to yell, Biffle. I’m worried about you.”
I sigh and sit on the bed next to her. Funny how I feel the need to comfort her. “I’ll be fine—at some point. He lied to me, Ash. I don’t know if he’s married because honestly I was afraid of the answer. We were together for months, I was basically living with him, and he never told me. To find out like that—in a press conference—was horrific. I felt like an idiot.”
“He’s the idiot, Catherine.” Ashton places her hand on mine.
“I’m done. Those are the only words I can say. There’s no fixing us, because there is no us. I can’t go through another relationship where lies and cheating are even an option. If he is married, then I was his mistress. If he’s not married and is divorced, how could he keep that from me—or why did he think it wouldn’t matter?”
She sighs and gives me a few moments. “I’m in no way defending him, because honestly I hate him right now and I never thought that would happen. I’ve always been on your side. But I really thought Jackson was the one for you. Knowing all your issues with abandonment and trust, maybe he was afraid if he told you, you’d run. Instead he pretty much guaranteed that you’d be pushed to run.”
“Right, and by keeping his marriage a secret he obliterated any trust I had in him.” I clutch my pillow to my chest. It hurts so much talking about this. I can’t believe we’re back here again. “Unless there’s something more behind all of this like he’s still in love with her. It makes no sense.”
Ashton shrugs. “I can tell you he was frantic. He was hysterical on the phone trying to find you. Mark called me too. He said Jackson is a fucking moron and fucked it up.”
The half laugh escapes me at Mark’s assessment. “Yeah, I’d agree with him on both. But, Ash, he didn’t tell me either. You know that’s the other part I feel sick over. I was in that hospital for how long with his mom and Mark and no one ever mentioned it. Which leads me to believe they knew he didn’t want me to know.”
She sighs and squeezes my hand. “I don’t know. I really don’t. He had to know at some point you’d find out. You going to work?”
“I’m up. I might as well. I gave Taylor the day off, but I’m going to have to figure out how the hell to handle this fucking account. We have less than a month left in this contract, but I’m not sure I can work side-by-side with him.” I stand up and pull the dress from last night up off the floor.
“Don’t you dare let him win. You go into work and you handle him. Are you going to be okay?”
I wish it were that simple. I wish I had the courage to go in there and pretend seeing him doesn’t hurt. That hearing his voice doesn’t make me ache … but it does. He’s a part of me—far more than Neil ever was. Jackson was everything to me. I wanted to stand beside him, love him, give myself to him, and in a way I did.
“I’ll do what I always do—survive.”
A small smile paints Ashton’s face and she scoots closer. “I’m really sorry. I think we should buy an island and stick these fuckers on it and pick them off one by one.”
“Survivor for men,” I chuckle. “There are so many things I’m upset over, but the biggest is he knew. He knew, Ash. I told him what I could handle.” I run my hands through my hair. “I was crystal fucking clear and we spent countless nights together.”
“He never even brought anything up?”
“All I can think is there were these tiny moments I felt like he was keeping something. Small things that didn’t really add up, but I have a tendency to overthink things, so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.”
She sighs and wraps her arm around my shoulder. “Are you going to hear him out?”
“He owes me answers, that’s for sure, but right now I don’t want to see his face.”
“I get that. I think you’re justified in a few punches to the junk.”
We both snicker. “I have to get ready.” I kiss her cheek and head into the bathroom.
“You’ll always have me!” she calls out.
“Oh, how lucky I am.”
“Damn right you are,” I hear her say as the door closes to my bedroom.
I take my time getting ready and put on a pink shift dress and white sandals. When I head out to the living room, Ashton’s keys are gone and there’s a note letting me know she wasn’t planning to come home, but if I need her, to call and she’ll be here. I love that girl.
Once in my office, I sit in my chair and look out the window, thinking about the mess my life has become once again. It’s a constant battle. And it’s exhausting and I’m tired of treading water—I want to float for a while. I ponder if this is what I need. Time alone—again. I look out and my mind drifts to Jackson. My heart clenches as my mind allows me to see him again right before I left him. I see the way his eyes held sorrow and he was desperate for me to listen to him. The pain we both were suffering in that moment. I replay it all as a tear drifts down my cheek.