“Hi,” I say softly with tears blurring my vision. He’s awake. He’s alive. A week of wonder and fear, somehow he fought through it all.
Jackson looks around confused as his heart rate starts to accelerate on the monitor. I wipe the happy tears and try to reassure him by placing my hand against his cheek.
My throat croaks as I try to get my emotions under control. “Shhh … don’t try to talk.” His brow furrows as I speak. “You’re okay, baby. You’re in Germany at the hospital.” I reach out and smooth his brow, the desire to touch him is too great. His eyes close as my fingers float across his skin.
When his blue-green eyes open again, they latch on to mine and the emotion shines through. Fear, love, and regret all mashed up. I’ve missed those eyes.
“Catherine …” Jackson tries to speak but it’s strained.
I lean close and press my lips against his rough cheek. The feel of his skin against mine causes my heart to race. He’s really awake and he said my name. “I’m here. Just relax,” I try to reassure him. “It’s going to be—”
Before I can finish, the doctor draws our attention to him. “Mr. Cole, I’m Dr. Allison. Welcome back. You gave us quite a scare. I’m going to look you over real quick, okay?”
Jackson nods but doesn’t try to speak again.
Dr. Allison starts assessing him. “Okay, Jackson. Your heart rate is steady and stable. Blood pressure is a little low, but it’s expected. How do you feel?” he asks.
Jackson’s strong hand wraps around mine and he gives me a small squeeze. He swallows and winces. “Water?”
“Sure, you can have a little water. I need you to tell me what you last remember,” Dr. Allison states in a no-nonsense way.
After he takes a sip, he finally speaks. “I d-don’t.” He looks around and lets out a huff. “How l-long?”
“You’ve been unconscious for eight days. Do you have any recollection of how you arrived here?”
Jackson closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I remember the HELO and the sniper.” His eyes open as he grips the blanket looking around. “Mark?”
I grasp his hand and he relaxes a little. “He’s fine. He’ll be here soon. I can call him now,” I say looking for my phone.
“No.” Jackson tightens his grip. “Am I o-okay?” He asks the doctor apprehensively.
“Your injuries were quite severe and you had a few complications during surgery. And extreme blood loss. Your body has endured an intense trauma and I want to keep a close eye on your heart.”
Jackson’s eyes close and his grip loosens a bit.
“Is he going to be okay?” I ask
“He’s young, strong, and he’s out of the coma now. He’s not out of the woods, but we’ll watch him closely,” Dr. Allison explains and looks over the monitors.
I glance at Jackson and his eyes open again. “What about my leg?” he asks with fear in his voice.
Dr. Allison turns and pats his shoulder before speaking. “The injury to your leg was a through and through, which should heal in a few weeks. The bullet that entered your abdomen caused some damage to your spleen. We were able to repair the injury and stop the bleeding. As for your shoulder, there’s some muscle damage, but we can address all that later.” He takes a break and allows Jackson a few seconds to gather his thoughts.
“Jackson, do you remember anything else?” I ask softly.
His eyes are pensive as he shakes his head. “Not much.” He clears his throat and grabs the cup to drink again.
“That’s normal,” Dr. Allison states.
Jackson’s eyes dart to me and he squints. It seems like he’s trying to remember. His fingers release mine as he rubs his face. “You shouldn’t be …” he trails off.
My heart sinks. Maybe I should’ve left a few days ago. We’re not together, things didn’t end well, and then I’m here when he wakes up. I look at the clock and realize my flight leaves in three hours. I can still make it if I leave now.
“My flight is in a few hours, I need to call the airlines.” I reach for my phone. “I’ll call everyone and give you a few minutes with the doctor.” He grabs my arm before I can turn completely.
“Don’t.” He coughs and winces. “Please,” he says, still holding my arm.
I nod while returning to his bedside. “Okay.” I’ll stay for now. It feels like it’s been so long since the fight happened. In reality it has been, but Jackson wasn’t really here and we have a lot to talk about. I don’t know where I stand, what he’s feeling, so many questions, and I’m not sure I want the answers.
Jackson returns his gaze to the doctor but doesn’t relinquish his hold on me.
Dr. Allison checks his shoulder wound and then his leg. “You need to take things easy. Rest as much as you can. You still have a long road ahead of you. I’ll be back in a little while to check on you again. Do you have any questions?”
“How long … here?” Jackson says while grimacing.
“You’ll be here at least another week. I’ll give you something for the pain. For now, we need to make sure there aren’t any further complications. If you need anything just buzz me,” Dr. Allison explains and leaves the room.
Jackson closes his eyes as the nurse inserts medicine into his IV. I try to extract my hand, but he tightens his fingers and looks at me.
Our eyes lock. “It’s going to be okay,” I say softly, trying to absorb the fact that he’s alive and okay. We gaze at each other, neither of us saying a word, yet it’s as if we’re having an entire conversation. I give him everything through this moment. Opening myself wide open so he can see all the feelings I’ve held the last two weeks. The tears stream like raging rivers down my face, but I don’t care enough to stop them. It’s grief, anger, elation, and so much more. My emotions stack up like bricks around me one by one until I feel buried. I want to breathe again. I want him to be my air.
Jackson lifts his hand and presses it against my cheek. “S-sorry,” he stutters and I lean into him. Needing to have the closeness of skin on skin. His eight-day-old beard scratches against my face, but I want to feel—remember how eight days ago his life hung in the balance and today we almost lost him.
How is it possible to love someone this much but hurt so much more? He’s taken my heart and I don’t know that I’ll ever get it back. “Do you want me to call everyone?” I ask, trying to break the silence.
“No,” he says with an air of finality. “Just you.” His eyes close and he fights to open them again.
My throat goes dry as I try to breathe. “Okay, but—”
“Don’t leave me,” he says as his lids fall.
I need to be close to him—this could be my last chance. I climb and sit on the bed facing him. My hands brush his hair back as my heart races. He steals my breath, and all the strength I have is gone. I allow the tears to fall as I’m overcome with emotion. I continue to touch his face, his hair, and he settles as his hand rests on my leg.
“Sleep. I’m not going anywhere,” I say as he tries to relax, but I can sense his unease.
“Promise?” he asks hesitantly.
“Yes, I’ll be here when you wake up.” I smile and press my lips against his cheek.
His eyes close as he drifts off to sleep.
Watching him stirs all of my fears. What if he doesn’t wake up again? What if he wakes up different than this time? The trepidation gnaws at me and embeds deep inside. I grab my phone and call Mark and his mother to let them know they should head here. Neither one answers, so I send them both messages.
“Hey,” I hear Mark come in the room behind me.
“Hi, I sent you a text message.” I place Jackson’s hand down and he stirs.
“He moved!” Mark’s loud voice booms through the room.
“Yes, shhh … he just woke up for about five minutes,” I say and push him out the door so we can talk in the hall. “It was really brief but he woke up. I tried to call you earlier. God, Mark. He crashed. I almost died. He almost died. Then they came back and brought me in there and I thought he was dead.” I take a deep breath and shake while Mark wraps his arms around me.
“But he’s okay, right?” Mark asks, trying to sound strong, but I hear the undercurrent of fear.
“I think so. I mean, he fucking died! I was there and they pushed me out of the room. Where were you? I called. I-I was so scared!” I start to sob as Mark rubs my back.
“I’m sorry. It’s okay though. He’ll be fine?” he asks again.
“The doctors checked him over. He said a few things and then fell back asleep.”
“He’ll wake back up, right?” Mark asks both excited and a little nervous.
“Yes, the doctors said he’ll be tired and needs to rest,” I reassure him.
I start to pace a little, trying to work through my thoughts. My heart is so full it could beat right out of my chest, but at the same time I’m terrified. There’s a long road ahead for Jackson. He will most likely need physical therapy, his company is going through a lot of changes, and he’s yet to deal with Aaron’s death. The status of our relationship isn’t my first priority, but I can’t pretend that it doesn’t lie heavily on my mind.
Mark grabs my shoulders, stopping me from walking past him again. “Hey, Kitty, calm down and stand still. What happened when he woke up?”
We stand in the hallway as I replay the few minutes he was awake. Mark looks a hundred years younger just from knowing he was able to talk and move. I bite my lip when I think about how intense his eyes were asking me to stay. I’m so damn confused.
“All of this is good—hell, it’s fucking great! Did you cancel your flight?” Mark asks as he pulls me into a hug. His deep voice sounds lighter and more carefree.
I push back and start creating a plan. He’s awake now but I need to handle the things I’ve neglected. “I need to reschedule it. I’m not sure what I should do now.” I run my hands through my hair and try to think.
His arms cross his chest as he puffs his chest out making himself seem scary. “Well, you better not fucking leave now. You know he’ll flip his shit. All the business crap can wait. He needs you. Whether you two can get your heads out of your asses long enough to see it or not … you both need each other,” Mark says with one brow raised, clearly not budging.
“Let me make some calls to the office and see if we can release a statement on his condition tomorrow. It should help both Raven and Cole Security. In regards to the rest of our shit, we’ll work it out. But today is definitely not the day, so give me a chance to think.”
“I’m letting you know now … I won’t watch you two fuck this up,” Mark states standing there as the anger rolls off of him.
Great.
Now I have a big brother—or the male version of Ashton. This should make things fun.
“You can’t fix this,” I reply with my arms crossed.
“I didn’t say I could. I’m just saying you two are going to fix this before I leave. I don’t know what the hell happened, but when he got on that plane, his head wasn’t right. Then you’ve been spouting off shit about how you shouldn’t be here since day one. So, here’s my thinking, which I’m usually right—you two got in a fight before he got on the plane. Now, my first inclination would say Jackson was his normal jackass self. But then again I know what a jackass you were a few days before that.” He states and pauses.
“He left me,” I say as I ball my fists. He’s got me so angry. I don’t want to talk about any of this. I was stupid when I pushed him away and then Jackson did the same thing.
“I’m not going to lecture you on the reasonings of Jackson Cole. He acts like he was the only one in Iraq. You’ll never meet someone more loyal than him. At the same time, you’ll never meet someone who thinks he’s more at fault for the bad shit in the world. Like I said: fucking jackass.” Mark smiles trying to lighten the mood a little and pulls me into his side. “I’ve seen him up and I’ve seen him in the lowest place you can ever imagine. But when he was with you, he was different. Happy.”
I look at him with my mouth gaping open at his statement. He squeezes my shoulders and lets that sink in around me.
“Enough of this shit. Tell me, have you talked to Ashton?”
I laugh and slap his chest. “She’d chew you up and spit you out.”
His booming laugh reverberates through the halls and we get a few looks from the nurses. “You tell her any time she wants to chew me up, she’s more than welcome.” He smirks and walks away.
I stand there thinking about all he said and decide to call Ashton to fill her in.
“Hey, Biffle,” her cute voice comes through.
“Hi.” I let out a sigh wishing she was here.
“You at the airport?” she asks probably thinking that’s what has me sounding forlorn.
“No. I missed my flight. Jackson woke up.” The smile spreads across my face as I think about how many days we waited on bated breath for this to happen.
“Cat!” Ashton screams into the phone. “That’s fantastic! I’m so happy. Is he okay?” she asks excitedly.
“He died, Ash. Literally. They brought him back and he’s okay now, but he died. I thought I lost him.”
“Wow, are you okay? Is he okay?” she asks with concern prevalent in her voice.
“I’m okay. I think. Yes, he seems okay,” I sigh and shake my head. “It was a short amount of time he was up, but he has a long road ahead of him. The doctor told him to rest as much as he can. But I can’t leave now.”
She snorts at the last statement. “Like I thought you would. Gimme a break, you weren’t going to make the flight regardless. You’ve stood by his bedside waiting, and I get it. He’s your guy, babe.”
“He is, but am I his girl?” The words slip out like poison in my blood. I don’t know the answer to that question and it eats at me.
Ash let’s me stew before she finally speaks again. “He’ll let you know that in one way or another. You both push against each other, for whatever reason. I’ve said my peace to you more times than I care to think about. Don’t fuck this up, Catherine. Do you hear me?” She’s stern bordering on hostile.
“Yes, Mom.”
We both start laughing at my acquiescence. I miss her so much. Being around her and having her to lean on makes things easier. Mark’s been great, but he’s no Ashton. Although my friendship with him has grown stronger, she’s the rock in my life. I fill her in on the entire few minutes I had with him along with the worries I have.
“They’re all normal feelings,” Ashton reassures me.
“I’m ready for some damn happy times.”
“I think you both need a come-to-Jesus moment and it’ll all work out. Until then, be patient and remember guys like it when you push them around a little bit. So be the bitch for once.”
I wish I could. It’s never been that way for me other than in business. When I’m dealing with a client or the press, I don’t back down.
I exhale loudly. “I need to get back in there. I should make sure Mark isn’t poking him in the face,” I explain.
“How is that dipshit?” Ashton asks at the mention of Mark.
During the few days Ash stayed in Germany, they flirted a bit. I don’t think anything actually happened, but they seemed to get along well. Mark needed her strength when I wasn’t able to keep it together. After his surgery, Jackson was touch and go for a while. There was no holding each other up because we were both crumbling. I’ve never seen someone so desolate. But Ashton was there, propping us both up, holding his hand and making sure he remained strong, while also keeping me from falling apart. She’s really a remarkable woman.
“He’s fine. Have you two spoken at all since you left?” I wonder.
She lets out a deep breath and I picture her sinking in a chair. “No, it wasn’t like that for me. He lives in Virginia, number one, and number two, I think we’d kill each other. It’s like who can be the biggest smart ass.”
I laugh because it’s completely true. They would either fuck constantly or beat the shit out of each other. Between her strength and his sarcasm, it’s like setting a match to a piece of wood soaked in gasoline.
“It would be so much fun to watch though. I don’t know when I’ll be back. Is everything going okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, everything is fine. Look, you need to be there. He’s going to need you, Cat. In so many ways, that man needs you,” Ashton says as her strength resonates through the phone.
“I need him too. I just need him to not dick me around. I want him to want me, not push me away again,” I explain with my heart breaking all over again.
“If I remember correctly, you did quite a bit of pushing as well.”
I huff at her not-so-gentle reminder. “Yes, I know. I got this lecture from Mark already.”
“Good. Maybe you’ll realize that you have to fight for what you want. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. So fight for him! Fight with every ounce of your being.”
“I plan to. He’s worth it. I can’t make him love me though,” I say effectively shutting her up.
“No, you can’t. Nor do you want to. But I don’t think that’s a fight you’ll have.”
I peek my head in to see him still sleeping. “Okay, I need coffee, so I’m going to run. I love you and I’ll try to call you in a few days. Miss you, Biffle.”
“Miss you more. Kiss Jackson for me and maybe Mark too.”
“I will,” I reply with a smile.
I put my phone in my pocket and walk to the family waiting area and grab a cup of coffee. I should’ve been getting on a plane in a few minutes, instead I’m here, because he asked me to stay. So many questions float in my head. Sinking into the chair, I rest my head back and try to get a grip. I’ve never had a moment as scary as watching him flat line. My heart starts to race when I replay them pushing me away as he was dying. Needing a few minutes of peace, I close my eyes.
This trip I’ve only slept in bits and pieces, never more than two hours at a time. And never in a bed, most of it was in a chair at his bedside. I think over the conversations with Jackson’s mother, Ashton, and Mark through the past week. Some of their words really strike a chord in me. I’m not the same girl I was a few months ago and I’m definitely not the same one who pined over Neil. The girl who thought she wasn’t good enough for any man and deserved to be treated like shit. I won’t be neglected or cheated on again because I deserve more. I won’t stand for someone who will sleep with my friend, or walk away and not look back. Jackson gave me more. He allowed me to open my heart again, but at the same time I’m not sure if he’s ready to give me the same …
I sit there and let it all sink in. I look at the clock and realize two hours have passed. I must’ve fallen asleep. Scrambling up, I grab my now-cold coffee and head back.
Entering the room, my breath hitches as I look up and I catch a glimpse of his smile as he sees me. He’s awake again. Looking at him, I know what I have to do. I’ll stay for as long as he wants me to be here, but at some point we’re going to talk about everything, because I can’t go through him walking out like that again. Neither of us deserves to go through any more pain, and I won’t be the one to inflict it upon him.