“Kill ‘em and let’s go!” Mark’s loud voice bellows over the zinging of bullets raining around us. “Up on the ridge there’s another one!”
I return fire trying to shoot my way to safety. Screams and gunfire are all I register through the chaos. The dust flies with each bullet hitting the dirt.
“Muff!” Mark calls out as my vision starts to fade.
The metallic taste of blood floods my mouth.
“Motherfucker! Move!” he yells, trying to get me out of harm’s way. Opening my eyes, I see Mark’s face contort as he continues to shoot.
Using my arms, I try to crawl closer. It fucking hurts. The pain is everywhere as a bullet rips through my abdomen, stopping me from moving. I lie here out in the open ready for my fate.
I look over at Mark as he returns fire and rushes towards me.
“Mark,” I croak out, my vision hazy as he approaches me.
I close my eyes and succumb to the black. I don’t want to wake up. The pain is too much. Besides, Catherine is here in the dark. Hearing her voice makes me want to try, but I’m losing my will.
“Jackson, you have to fight!” Her voice is thick with emotion.
“I’m too tired, baby. I want to stay with you. It doesn’t hurt so much here. You make me feel better,” I tell her, content to see her face and hear her voice. I know she’s not real—but I want to stay here.
Her eyes close as a tear falls down her beautiful face. “You’ll hurt me more if you stay. You have to go back. Please. For me,” she begs.
I’ll do anything not to hurt her again. I’d give her everything just to stop the look of suffering on her face. I open my eyes and the piercing torture jolts me back to life while the bullets slice through the air around me.
Mark hoists me over his shoulder as I hold back a scream from the impact against my injured shoulder. The pain radiates from my head to my toes, reminding me I’m still alive. If I can still feel, I can fight.
“We have to go. Now!” The tone of command conveys the urgency of the situation.
I’m thrown in the back of the Humvee and the jolt causes me to cry out. “Holy shit! It fucking hurts!” I can’t hold back. My vision fades again and I’m not sure if it’s from the pain or if I’m coming to the end.
“Muff, can you hear me?” The doors slam closed as we take cover in the Humvee and start to move.
Mark hovers over me. We continue to take fire but the protection of the vehicle allows us to get the hell out of here. Each bump in the road is pure agony. They drive frantically trying to get back to the base as one soldier radios in my injuries.
“He’s been shot three times. Get the HELO on standby!” Mark yells out to him as we take a sharp turn, causing me to shift.
“My fucking leg,” I cry out.
“Put your hand over your shoulder.” He presses my hand over the bullet wound, trying to force me to put pressure on it. “I have to deal with your leg, so you have to hold it.”
I try to hold on but I can’t feel my arms, every limb is heavy. My hand starts to slip. “I can’t—” I start to say.
“You don’t have a choice, you son of a bitch!” Mark yells in my face. “Shut the fuck up and hold on to your shoulder!”
Mark grabs a needle from the medic bag and injects something in my arm. Everything becomes foggy and numb. I’m so tired. The smell of sweat, blood, and fear filters through the Humvee.
Something slaps my face forcing me to open my eyes. “Eyes open, you fuckbag! Don’t close them!” Mark’s eyes are wide and focused. I feel my pants rip. “Muff, this is going to hurt,” he says calmly before he clamps his hand around the bullet hole in my leg, pushing down.
“Fuuuuuuuuck!” I scream out as a hot fire spreads through my veins burning everything in its path.
The pain is taking over and I can’t fight the black.
He pushes again as my eyes fly open. “I told you. Keep. Your. Eyes. Open!” He turns to the driver. “Faster!” Mark ties something around my leg creating a tourniquet. His voice is harsh but I hear the undertone of fear. We both know this isn’t good. The blood loss, the multiple bullet wounds, and the fact that we’re not close enough to the base is the reality we face.
Mark rips open my shirt and sees the blood around my abdomen as his hands tremor in terror. My hand falls again and he positions himself to put pressure on my stomach and my shoulder.
“Be there in three,” the driver calls back to us.
“You have three minutes to tell me all the reasons I should keep you from bleeding out. You close your eyes, I’ll fucking push harder. Try me, motherfucker.” He grips my face making me focus on him.
“Tell her—”
“Not a chance. Tell me.”
“I love …” I pass out from the agony.
I awake to the constant stream of beeping behind me. Where am I? I feel something warm in my hand but I can’t open my eyes. The weights holding my eyelids closed are too heavy to lift. I hear mumbling and I swear it’s Catherine and Mark, but that wouldn’t make sense.
Attempting to get my limbs to cooperate, I try to lift my arms but they won’t move.
“Jackson …” I hear her call to me. “Please wake up. I don’t know if you can hear me, but God, I hope you can.”
Catherine.
She’s here.
She takes a deep breath and lets it out, clearly upset. “Mark called and I … I just … come back to me.” I hear her sob and the need to comfort her overwhelms me. I want to wake up and tell her it’s okay, but everything is locked. Every part of me is heavy and unwilling to cooperate.
“God, there’s so much to say. You have to be okay, because I c-can’t. I can’t live with knowing this w-was all we h-had.” Catherine’s voice tears through me. “I’d give anything to go back and never let you leave my house that night. I’d barricade you in my damn room. I-I’m so s-sorry, baby. Please be okay.”
She has nothing to be sorry for. I did this to her. I was a chickenshit. I created this doubt of how I feel about her because I chose to walk away. I didn’t want to destroy her, yet that’s all I’ve done.
“I wish I would’ve called you. Or come to you that night. Shit. But as soon as Mark called I came. I ran … to you, Jackson.” She lets out a shaky breath. “I love you and I’m here now. I just want to see you open your eyes, baby. It’s been too long since I’ve seen your eyes. I miss your smile, and your voice. I miss you being an ass, and being charming. I miss it all. Please, Jackson. Wake up, dammit!” she begs and sobs.
The sounds of her cries echo in the room. Each hiccup guts me. I can’t speak. Hell, I don’t know how long I’ve been out for. I’m obviously alive, but am I really? If this is death—I’m being robbed. There’s no white light or anyone calling me to another side. I’m lying here. Trapped in my own body, listening to people around me.
“Cat, come on. You need to sleep. It’s been two days and you haven’t moved.” I hear Mark’s voice. “He’ll wake up. He’s too much of a dickhead to die.” He laughs and her half laugh makes my heartbeat accelerate. The monitor beeps louder and they both stop talking.
This is complete bullshit.
“It’s been a while, Mark. Plus, I don’t know if I …” She trails off sounding hurt. Fucking eyes—open! “The doctors said his leg is in bad shape. What if he has to have another surgery? He barely made it out of the last one.”
“He’ll be fine. Remember who we’re talking about. Trust me, he’s been through worse than this. He’s just going to make us all suffer for a while,” Mark says, trying to reassure her.
“What if he doesn’t want me here?”
I shouldn’t have left, but I couldn’t stop. Rage consumed every part of me. My failure was all I could see. Catherine would be next and I will not allow it. I’ll break myself apart before I let anything happen to anyone else.
“Listen, Kitty, he wants you here. I know you guys haven’t been together that long, but he cares. I wouldn’t have called you and gone through the red tape if I wasn’t sure what you mean to him.”
“You weren’t there that night.” Her voice cracks and so does my heart.
“You have to understand him—he’s an idiot. A big, giant, fucking moron.”
Catherine’s soft laugh stops her sniffles.
“I’d bet on him, Cat. He’ll wake up.” Mark is comforting her and I’m here helpless. I hear her muffled sobs and each part of me tears open—I hate hurting her.
I feel something against my bedside. It’s torture to hear and know what’s going on but not be able to talk or move.
Mark begins to speak in the distance. “I think you should get some rest at the hotel. Ashton leaves today, you could go with her—”
“No! Not even an option.” I feel her hands touch my hair and guide it to the side. “I’ll go to the airport to drop her off, but I’m not leaving until he wakes. And if he wants me to leave … I’ll … well, I don’t know, but I’m not leaving until he throws me out.” She sounds strong and sure.
I try again to open my eyes, give her a sign that I’m alive. But they won’t budge. Fuck this. I’m going back to sleep. Then I can stop feeling so weak.
I listen to the beeping, counting each one as my mind replays the shooting. Remembering the feeling of metal shredding my skin, the smell of death in the HELO, the blood staining my clothes and skin. I have no idea how bad my injuries are.
“Of course he wants you here. Why do you keep saying shit like this?” he asks.
He doesn’t know I walked away from her like I did. He doesn’t know the pussy I was and the dick move I made when I got the call. I went there and things happened so fast. I was ready to tell her everything. We were going to talk and figure our shit out. Then I got the call from Mark and I lost it. The failure of not being able to save someone else weighs on me.
“You don’t understand. When he left—”
“Knock, knock,” an unfamiliar voice says.
“Is everything okay? The last nurse was just here.” Catherine’s voice is strained.
“We’re going to give him a little more meds to keep him comfortable,” an older woman’s voice comes through. “He’s been having some irregularity in his heart rate.”
“Is he okay?” Catherine asks, sounding scared.
I’m fine. Just pissed off.
“Yes, we’re going to make sure he’s not in any pain,” the nurse explains.
“Jackson.” Catherine’s small hands caress my face. “I’ll be right back. I have to take Ashton to the airport.” Her lips press against my cheek and she leans in close to my ear whispering so only I can hear her. “I love you. You’re it for me, so don’t go anywhere.” I feel her lips press against my face again as the meds drag me into the black.
“He’s crashing!” The helicopter noise drowns out most sounds but I hear them frantically screaming. “Stay with us, Cole. Only two more minutes.”
Two minutes. I can hold on for two minutes.
My eyes fly open as they work on my chest and inject something into my IV. Jesus Christ, I can’t take much more. The fighting and trying to hang on is exhausting. I want to be done. I want the fucking black and numbness because there’s no pain there.
“Give him another round of epi,” the medic calls out while he stabs something into my chest.
The sound of my gasps and gurgling is horrifying. I’m going to die. I feel it in every bone in my body. The blood loss from the three gunshot wounds I sustained is too much. Even in this state I feel pain. It runs from head to toe and amplifies with each second that passes.
“Hang on, buddy, we’re almost there,” he yells in my face trying to make me focus.
The helicopter touches down and I’m moving before we stop. The colors of light flash quickly as I’m being pulled out and thrown on a gurney. The sun is blinding and each part of me feels heavy as they run toward the hospital. I want to scream out—yell at the top of my lungs to let me die. I don’t want to feel any more. I close my eyes and I see her again. I see her dark brown eyes glaring at me. I hear her quiet cries and it tears at my soul. Her face is contorted in pain. The tears are filling in her eyes as she refuses to break contact.
“Don’t leave me,” I hear Catherine call out but her voice is fading.
“Prep him for surgery. Now. Trauma one.” There are voices all around yelling different orders. Trying to get control. People barking numbers but I can’t focus. I open my eyes and only see the bright light above. Either God is calling or it’s one of those bright ass lights they use in the hospital.
I moan and try to move my arm but someone clamps it.
A man in a blue mask comes into view trying to get me to focus. “Stay still, Cole. We’re going to take you into surgery. You need to calm down. Knock him out. Now!”
Calm? He’s fucking joking, right? I can’t calm down.
“Catherine!” I scream out.