Today is the memorial. The day I’ll say farewell to two men. One man who meant the world to many. A father, a hero, a husband, and a friend who died leaving a gaping hole in so many people’s hearts.
The other is a man who left a hole in my heart.
I hate this dress.
I hate this day.
I hate the makeup I’m not able to wear because I can’t stop crying.
I woke up this morning a mess. The idea of having to see him has been too much. I received a package last night of more lilies, and this time I allowed myself to open the card and read it.
I’ve never cried so hard in my entire life, but there’s no going back in time.
After my heart was already completely ripped from my chest, I grabbed the other notes he sent with the gifts to my office. I figure I’ll get it all done in one fell swoop and allow the pain to take over so I can get it out.
Dear Catherine,
Today, I hate myself. I don’t deserve you. It’s been less than twenty-four hours since I last held you. One day, and I feel worse than I ever have. I saw this lighthouse and thought of you. It reminded me of the magic we shared up there. How you made me want to live again. You give me that. I’ll tell you everything, just give me a chance.
All of my heart and soul,
Jackson
The tears stream and I sob, but Ashton ignores the sounds of my breakdown if she hears me. I open the next card that came with the Battleship game.
Dear Catherine,
I’ve lost track of the times I’ve picked up the phone. I can’t sleep in our bed. Everything in this fucking house reminds me of us. Be my anchor, Catherine. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to us. Call me and we can work through it. My heart is yours. It’s up to you if it sinks.
All of me,
Jackson
There’s no changing the fact that I’m leaving for California in four days. I want to forgive him, to run back to his arms, but it doesn’t erase the doubt and the three thousand miles that are about to be between us. I know I should stop myself from reading the rest of the notes, but I owe him.
My Catherine,
Love notes are dumb but I should’ve written them to you. Then you’d have known what was inside of me the entire time. You wouldn’t have questioned anything because it would be there in black and white. My proof to you when you felt doubt and you’d know how much you mean to me. I don’t even know if you read these but if you do … I miss you. I went to work today and everyone asked about you. I broke two things because I was fucking mad. I’m mad now too. If you love me, how can you walk away so easily? Don’t answer that. I’m pretty sure I’m talking to myself. I talked to Mark and my mother today, told them about what happened. I’m sure you can imagine the things I heard. But one thing my mom said that stuck:
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” – Peter 4:18
I love you deeply. I love you with every breath I take. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve fucked up. I know this, but love me.
Don’t give up on us.
Jackson
My eyes are puffy, my heart is heavy, and the idea of seeing him has made me sick. I allow myself to read the final letter one more time.
Dear Catherine,
I know now it’s over. I know you don’t want to talk to me, or hear my side and I respect your decision. I hate it, but I can’t push you anymore. I know I hurt you. I don’t know how to live without trying to win you back. I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I hurt so fucking much, Catherine. Every day I look at this godforsaken apartment and I want to sell it and move—but then I’ll have lost the only thing I have of you. You were the only woman to ever sleep in this bed. You were the only woman to touch this house. Nothing here matters because you’re gone. I’d go back in time and tell you everything. But I can’t do that. I can’t fix this and it’s killing me. I call and you don’t answer. I text and you won’t respond. I can’t fix this without you. I meant every word I ever said to you. I love you and I’ll love you until my last breath.
You’re it for me.
Jackson
How can someone hurt so much? The depths of my heart are hollow, my eyes are burning from the onslaught of tears. I feel like I’ve been torn apart and when I was put back together, they forgot some pieces. But I won’t quit my job. I can’t walk away from this opportunity, and we can’t work. So it’s my turn to save him. Allow him to move on with a clean break.
I know when I see him today, I’ll have to put on the show of my life. If I thought the launch party was difficult, this will be a thousand times worse.
I should’ve left the damn cards unopened. But I couldn’t.
So today I’ll somehow handle looking at the man who’s no longer mine. The one who forced me to love again, to give my heart to him—then forced me to be alone. He’s gone from my life and I can’t get him back. I have to let him go—for good.
I’ll need a miracle to get through this.
He took everything from me with that damn letter.