On my train ride home, I think more about Taylor’s question. I don’t regret anything because it’s brought me to where I am, but it makes me sad to think I would’ve given up an opportunity like this for anyone. I don’t believe Jackson would’ve asked me to, but I probably would’ve wanted to stay with him. Which I probably would regret later on and possibly would’ve resented him instead.
When I get home, Ashton is sitting on the couch in her pajama pants.
“Aren’t we going to dinner?” I ask.
“Nope.”
What in the hell?
“Okay? I thought that was our plan.”
She shuts the television off and stands with her hands on her hips. “I’m mad at you, Biffle.”
“For what?”
This should be good.
“I don’t know. I just want to be mad at you!” Ashton cries out and falls on the couch.
I sit on the couch next to her and lay on her lap. “I’m going to miss you too. This is so hard, Ashypoo. These goodbyes suck.”
Ashton runs her fingers through my hair and her lips purse. “I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you.” She puts the mask I know so well up, making sure she protects herself.
After a few moments of silence, Ashton starts up again, only this time her tone is light and playful. “I’ve decided what I’m going to do with your room.”
“Oh, what did you decide? A pottery room or did you decide to make a home gym that you’ll never use?”
The first time we talked about what to do with my room I almost peed myself. She had the most insane ideas, but then again, it’s Ashton. Last we talked she was leaning toward a meditation room.
“Nope, neither. I’m going to make it into a library!”
“I feel as if you want me to react so I’m just going to say … okay then, to the girl who doesn’t read,” I say, shaking my head.
“Jealous much?”
I laugh and snuggle into her. “You’re nuts but I love you. Tell me why you look like a homeless person instead of dressed to go out?”
She lets out a long sigh and pats my head like a cat. “I want to spend our last night as roomies drinking wine and eating pizza. You know you won’t be able to get Jersey pizza in Cali.”
I smile and nod, “I know.”
“I still can’t believe you’re leaving. You’re lucky I haven’t tied you up so you can’t go.”
“I might like it.”
“You probably would, freak.”
“You know it.”
“What kind of kinky shit did you and Jackson do?” she asks laughing and sounding slightly scared.
“He didn’t need to tie me up.” I look up and wiggle my eyebrows.
Ashton smiles and swats my ass while laughing. “Yeah, I wouldn’t willingly leave that man’s bed either.”
I flush thinking of some of the things Jackson and I did together. The way his body was made for mine, the way he could drive me to the end with his words alone. He was my other half in every way. I miss him already. Every night since the memorial he’s starred in my dreams. My mind drifts to him during the day, and then he haunts me in my sleep. I close my eyes and hold my arms over my chest. One day. One day it won’t hurt so much.
“Hey,” Ashton nudges me. “I’m sorry. Let’s enjoy our night with fattening food and then tomorrow hopefully you’ll be so hung over you won’t be able to fly.”
A laugh escapes me at the logic in her plan and I decide I need to keep my thoughts of Jackson at bay. I made my choice, now I have to live with it.
“Okay, let’s eat so I can be bloated.”
“Deal.”
The pizza gets delivered and we spend our night curled up on the couch talking about all the things I have to do in California. She demands that if I meet any Hollywood A-listers she’s the first to know. Also if I start dating any of them she’s agreed to quit her job and become my personal assistant.
Reluctantly we clean up and return to the couch.
“Let’s have a slumber party like we did when we were kids,” Ashton suggests.
“Okay,” I reply and grab the blankets off the couch.
We turn the lights off and wrap ourselves up. I have to be up in a few hours and Ashton promised she’d take me to the airport.
“I’m going to miss you, Biffle.” Her voice is quiet but I hear her.
“I’ll miss you more,” I whisper, but she doesn’t respond.
A few minutes later, right as I’m about to fall asleep, I hear Ashton sniffle as a tear rolls down my cheek.
“Let’s go!” I yell to Ashton as she drags her feet. We woke up and had coffee and a lot of tears. But now you’d think she just got out of bed. She’s moving slower than normal. I swear she’s doing this on purpose.
“I’m coming, Jesus. Calm your tits.”
“Well, I’m going to miss my flight if you keep screwing around.”
“We have plenty of time.” Ashton rolls her eyes and walks away. “I’m gonna grab my keys.”
This is the last time I’ll be in my apartment. The memories besiege me of when we moved in and I smile remembering us fighting over the paint color. Ashton of course won, which is why we have a blue living room when I wanted brown. I smile thinking of the scuffmark on the floor that we covered up with a rug because we dropped a table. Ashton and I arguing over food, which couch to buy, and so many other things happened right here.
This is my home. It’ll always be my home.
I glance at the photos on the wall and my chest squeezes when I see the one of me, Ashton, and Gretchen from high school. I know I’ll never find friends like them again and even though there’s the phone and internet, it’ll never be the same. When I need a hug, or to be slapped around, they won’t be able to.
Ashton comes up behind me and tackles me to the ground hugging me. “Don’t leave me!” she says in an exaggerated panic and starts to tickle me.
“Ash!” I squirm and try to fight her off, but she holds me tight.
“You can’t leave if I hold you against your will,” she laughs and sits on my back.
“Get off me, you asshole! What are you doing?” I try to wriggle, laughing while she assaults me.
Ashton starts to bounce up and down, not letting up. “This is a struggle snuggle. Don’t fight it—it feels better if you let it happen.” She giggles and lies on top of me. “Let it happen,” she whispers and pets my hair.
She’s lost her mind. That’s the only explanation. Girl has completely cracked.
“I’m going to give you a struggle if you don’t get off me.” I laugh so hard there are tears running down my face. “I’m gonna pee my pants!” I burst out.
She laughs and falls off me, lying next to me on her back looking at me. “Ohhh,” she sighs and smiles. “I had to make us laugh or I’d cry again, and we all know that’s a bad idea if I have to drive.”
My heart warms and I return her smile. There’s so much history between us, so many times we’ve laughed or cried together. I’ll miss her more than I can fully express. She’s my partner in crime and my world will be boring without her.
“You know you’ll always be my better half?” I say as I sit up.
Ashton follows and smoothes her dark red hair into a ponytail. “Yup. I know, but one day Prince Charming is going to come along and sweep you off your feet,” she pauses and stands. “Hopefully he delivers your ass back to New Jersey. Come on, you’ve got a plane to catch.”
She grabs my hand and pulls me up. We head to the car and Ashton suddenly stops short.
“No more stop—” I start to say and freeze when I see Jackson leaning against a black stretch limo smiling.
Ashton turns blocking my view. “This is goodbye, Biffle,” her eyes fill with unshed tears. “I’m going to miss you so much. Promise me we’ll Facetime every day. Promise that no matter how amazing these people you meet are, they’ll suck in comparison to me.” A tear falls on her cheek and my chest tightens.
“I promise. They’re no Ashton Caputo.” I smile and she pulls me in to her.
“I love you. I’m so fucking proud of you, my friend. You’re going to kick ass, take names, and be sexy as hell doing it. Don’t doubt yourself, Cat.” She wipes the tears running freely down her face. “I never have.”
“I’m going to be so lost without you and your craziness.”
We hug a little tighter and I hear Jackson approach, “Catherine, we have to leave if you want to make your flight.”
I nod and pull her close once more. “Goodbye, Ashypoo.”
“Bye, my love pie.” We both sniffle and break apart.
Jackson grabs my bag and my hand as I look back once more. Ashton stands there holding her middle with tears streaming down her face. He hands my bag to the driver and helps me in the car. Looking out the window at her standing there, my tears fall faster. This is so hard. I want to stop the car and fix my best friend because she doesn’t cry. She uses her sarcasm and wit to avoid hurt, but she’s hurting.
Jackson’s arms encase me and I take the comfort he’s offering. Once again, in the back of a car, this man holds me together. Only this time it feels like it’s me who died. There’s no doubt that this is what I want, this job is everything I’ve ever wanted for my career—yet the things I feel like I’m losing are ripping me apart. I want it all. The love of my life, my best friend, and this job—but I can’t ask them to come with me and I can’t stay here.
“I know this is hard, believe me I know, but it’ll be okay,” Jackson says as his fingers graze the skin on my arm.
I pull myself upright and brush the tears off my face. “I’m so sorry,” I say shaking my head trying to dispel the sadness. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’m here,” he says tenderly, drawing me back against him. “You weren’t leaving without me seeing you.”
My heart sputters and I take a breath inhaling the masculine scent that is Jackson. God, I’ve missed his smell. It’s comforting and arousing at the same time.
“You okay?” Jackson asks, holding me tight.
“I’ll be okay until I have to say goodbye to you,” I admit. This is only going to keep getting worse. “I’m surprised Ash let me go with you.” I look up and he smirks.
“She’s known about this for a while, baby. I called her and let her know I’d be driving you.”
With a shaky voice, I say the only word I can, “Oh.”
“Don’t be so surprised. I told you I wasn’t going to let you go.”
Jackson leans in and places a kiss against my temple and I close my eyes. Sometimes his gentleness breaks me more than anything. Right now, I want to beg him, plead with him to come with me. Get on the plane and we’ll figure out all the shit later, but I can’t. Especially knowing how his wife made him give it all up and how much he resented her. I never want to be the reason he gives something up. I want to give to him. This is the conundrum we face. My heart wants Jackson and my head wants to follow my dreams with this job.
Two good things and two broken hearts.
“I knew this was going to be impossible.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
My face pales as I look at him. “How doesn’t it? My job is sending me to California. You’re in New York. Sure, we could try, but when would we see each other?” I ask, attempting to keep an even tone.
“I don’t know. I want to fucking turn this car around and take you home. Do you know how hard it is to drive you right now? Knowing this is the end. I feel like …” Jackson trails off and grips his neck. “I’m not going to do this to you. I won’t be selfish.” He looks at me and I see the agony in his eyes.
“I’m no better. I want to beg you to get on that plane and come with me. But you can’t and I won’t ask you to do that.”
“I fucked this all up.”
“If we’d never broken up, I might not be going because I wouldn’t want to leave you. So then what? Would I feel like you did about Madelyn?” I wince saying her name.
“I wouldn’t have asked you to give it up.” Jackson closes his eyes as we have our come-to-Jesus moment.
This is where the truth lies. Nothing would be different, but everything would be. I would either be getting on the plane and feeling the exact way I do now, or I wouldn’t and be wondering if I gave up my career for nothing. Jackson’s made me strong enough to do this. He’s given me the power to get on this plane and while it will practically kill me, I’ll survive. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to do this six months ago. If it were Neil, I wouldn’t go—and then what? Where would I be? Alone, broken, and jobless.
“How can we want this so much, but not be able to have it?” I ask him, hoping for some brilliant insight, because I don’t get it.
“No one said we can’t. We just can’t right now. But I’m not giving up on you and someday, Catherine, we’ll find our way back together.”
“I wish today was someday.”
“Me too, baby.”
“Kiss me,” I say breathlessly.
“Any time,” he says as his hands encompass my cheeks and he places his lips to mine for a moment. He pulls back and his gaze is locked on mine, and I see my future, my past, and all that could be. Only none of it matters.
We spend the next few minutes of the drive to the airport touching, kissing, and drawing comfort from each other. When the car stops, my entire body locks in place. I can’t do this. I can’t walk away from him. Jackson grips my hands and I begin to tremble. I knew this would be too hard.
The driver opens the door and a sob breaks through.
Fuck.
I can’t do this.
“Come on,” Jackson says, brushing my hair off my face with his other hand.
“Dammit,” I curse and a tear breaks free. “Dammit, Jackson.”
He closes the door and grips my arms. “Look at me.”
My eyes slowly lift to his and I see how much this is hurting him, but he’s fighting for me.
“I’ve had to leave more times than I can count. I know what you’re feeling. The fear, the excitement, the guilt, and everything in between. But this … this is worth it. You worked your ass off for this and now you need to go grab it and run. Are you going to miss things? Yes. But, baby, it’s all worth it. You’re not going to lose the people who love you because you’re worth it. There are no goodbyes between us. Okay?” he asks and my stomach coils.
Jackson opens the door and we exit the car. I’m splotchy and a mess. His arm wraps around my waist and he tells the driver he’ll call him later. I look up in surprise.
“What are you doing?”
“I bought a ticket so I can get through security. I’m staying with you until the last second,” he says matter-of-factly.
There’s no way he can be any more perfect and completely impossible to resist. I really wish I was still upset with him because then I would get on this plane and not think twice. I’d hold on to the lies and hurt, but it’s not there anymore.
We grab our boarding passes and head to the gate. Jackson holds on to me the entire time. He keeps me together while I feel like I’m falling apart. This shouldn’t be this hard. I should be excited, but instead I’m totally distraught.
“Why is this so hard?” I ask mostly to myself, but I know he hears me.
Jackson pulls me in his lap, and when I look at him confused, he smiles. “You’ve been away from me long enough, I need you close.”
And my heart melts.
“I don’t want to lose you. I’ve been thinking and maybe we can try this long distance?”
“I don’t want this to be it either, but how would that work? You’re a busy man, and I’m starting up this office. I’ll be inundated with meetings and late nights. You have two companies to run.” I shake my head and try to force myself to not get caught up in this idea. “If we weren’t on opposites sides of the country …”
“I have a plane.”
“And you have two companies.”
“I know,” Jackson’s head falls against my side.
I open my mouth to speak, but they call to begin boarding.
Here is our end. Where there will be our goodbye contrary to what he says.
My eyes close and I tuck my head into the crook of his neck. I feel his pulse, hear his heart beating, and I don’t want to move.
“I have to go, don’t I?”
“You could stay forever, but I don’t think that’s in your plan,” Jackson whispers from behind me and he helps me stand.
We’re eye to eye and I fight hard to form a wall around my heart to protect me—but it’s futile. “Forever is a long time.”
“It wouldn’t be long enough for us.”
His eyes well with tears and mine spill over. They call for the next section to board but I don’t move. I’m going to stay every second I can and burn this into my memory.
Jackson leans into me and kisses me worshipfully. His lips move against mine in perfect harmony. I lose myself to his touch. My hands grip his shirt and pull him closer. I want to take him inside of my heart and hold him there. They call for final boarding and Jackson breaks the kiss.
“It’s time. No goodbyes.”
“This wasn’t supposed to be us. We were supposed to be together. This was our time,” I say angrily.
“Shhh,” Jackson puts his fingers to my lips. He clutches my face and breathes the words into me. “I’ll find you again.”
I close my eyes and hold on to his wrists, “I don’t want to lose you.”
The black chill of silence surrounds us. I have to let him go.
Our lips meet again and I taste the salt of our sadness. Unsure of whose pain blurs between us. His tongue glides against my lips and I open to him. With each swipe of his tongue against mine, I break apart from the inside out.
They call once more for final boarding and he draws back and places a kiss against my forehead.
I look up at his turquoise eyes and choke out, “I don’t want to let you go.”
He’s my everything.
“If you love something, you have to let it go. I love you enough to let you go. Go live your dream, baby.”
We kiss once more and I hold on to his hand until the absolute last second. When the tips of our fingers disconnect, my chest tightens so much it physically hurts.
The last image I see when I glance back is the door closing as Jackson’s head falls into his hands.
Now I know what it feels like to lose your heart.