Nate
Pulling my bike over onto the shoulder of the road, I sent a cloud of dust up into the sky. After dropping the kickstand, I climbed off and unbuckled my helmet. I’d been riding for hours. Stretching my arms up above my head, my joints creaked in protest. I was still about an hour from home, and as much as I was ready to be out of these clothes and standing under the scalding water, another part of me knew I was avoiding it. It was why I’d taken the long way. Even if I kept telling myself it was the winding roads that was the appeal.
It had been twelve months. Twelve short months since my world fell apart. Twelve months since my perfect world, my perfect family shattered. Now I was standing on the side of the road, completely alone, pretending I was okay, when the truth was I was falling apart.
For ten minutes I paced back and forth, trying to work the kinks out of my aching muscles. Looking out over the open fields, the cattle and sheep dotting the green paddocks, completely carefree and unaware of the scary, big wide world out there. The sun was setting, turning the sky into a picture. One I wished I could capture. The burnt oranges and soft pinks were making my head spin. It was a stunning sight.
Forcing myself to look away, I returned to my bike, yanked on my helmet, and fired it up. The growl of the engine silenced my loud thoughts, and the moment I threw my leg over the beast, everything faded away. It was for that reason alone I’d brought it. The escapism it provided. Directing the bike back out onto the asphalt, I gunned the engine and let the bike carry me away. Carry me home.
But it wasn’t my home, not really. It was a huge empty house that from the moment I stepped foot in it, fought me every step of the way. I don’t really know why I’d bought it. Looking back, I saw the purchase for what it was. A reflex. A rebound. It was me clinging to something I no longer had. Something that had been taken from me. Home. Now I was trying to build one. Trying to create something special. Somewhere I felt at peace again.
Turning over the rickety old bridge, I slowed up and passed through the town limits. A few more turns and I pulled into the driveway of my crumbling, frustrating construction zone previously known as my house. I couldn’t contain the heavy sigh. All I could see ahead of me was more backbreaking hard work. Suddenly I was just tired. Bone-weary exhausted. With too many thoughts bouncing around in my brain, I parked the bike, unstrapped my bag, and headed inside. After swiping a beer from my empty fridge, I headed straight for the bathroom.
The incessant beeping of my alarm woke me early the next morning. School holidays were awesome. Forced to take a couple of weeks off to refresh and rejuvenate every couple of months was one of my favourite perks. This time though, this time it was different. Bashing the alarm aggressively, it bounced to the floor but thankfully shut up. Today though, I just didn’t wanna. Teaching was my passion, what I was good at, what I loved, but for some reason my heart wasn’t in it this term.
Feeling like I was nursing the hangover from hell, I dragged my tired ass out of bed and into the bathroom. After a shower, shave, and brushing my teeth, I felt slightly better, but every step felt forced. Needing time, I ignored my bike, slipped my dark sunglasses over my eyes, and walked towards the school. The brisk walk in the cool morning air would hopefully drag me out of my funk before I stepped in front of a classroom full of kids. Kids who’d see through my bullshit. Kids who deserved only the very best that I could give them.
By the time I found my way into my classroom I’d made the decision that never again would I walk to work. I’d done it in hopes of clearing my head, if anything it had done the exact opposite. A bunch of kids riding their bikes spotted me and pedalled along beside me, desperately trying to engage me in their mundane conversation. Two mothers, including Elizabeth’s, had seen me and fallen in step as I neared the gate. It was like trying to pick cat hair from the suede lounge.
As the kids filed into the room, their crazy, uncensored laughter echoed off the brightly coloured walls, and my mood shifted instantly. I need to give them the very best of me. They deserved nothing less. I just didn’t know if that person still existed within me.
“Morning,” I forced out as we settled into our routine.
A routine that continued every day that week. The only thing that changed day to day was every step I took felt heavier. The white plastic bottle of medication sitting on my kitchen bench taunted me every time I passed it. I didn’t want to take them. I’d do anything to avoid it. And I was.
Each day, I’d force myself to go through the motions. I’d settle the mask over my exhausted eyes and pretend to be exactly what everyone thought I should be. I was trying to hide who I really was and what I was going through from everyone, and the weight of the deceit was almost crushing me. But I couldn’t share it. I didn’t have anyone who’d understand. No one I trusted enough to confess to. Fuck me, it was hard. After faking my way through the day, and waving a happy goodbye to the class full of eager kids, I’d come home, crack a beer, and throw myself into the renovations. It’s amazing how much hard work you can get done when you’re trying to avoid something. The manual labour stole every ounce of energy I possessed, and by the time I fell into my huge, empty bed, I was half drunk and every muscle in my body ached. The only thing I could be thankful for was how the house was coming along. In four days I’d ripped up carpet in two of the spare bedrooms, patched up the dings in the walls, repainted the ceilings, and here I was after Friday night getting ready to paint the walls when a loud banging made me wipe the sweat from my forehead.
“Coming!” I called out, grabbing the discarded dirty grey shirt from the floor and tugging it over my sweaty, smelly chest.
Collecting my beer, I stomped through the house to answer the door with a scowl. I didn’t want to see anyone. I’d done my best to make that perfectly clear. I’d ignored my phone for the last week, eventually letting the battery die just to shut it up. But at nine o’clock on a Friday night, it seemed I was about to be dragged back into the land of the living.
Yanking the door open forcefully, it shook on its hinges. There was Derek, a pizza balanced in one hand and a six pack in his other. If it wasn’t for the smell of barbeque sauce and melted cheese wafting from the box, I’d have told him to piss off. Instead, my stomach rumbled and I found myself inviting him in.
“Where have you been?” Derek asked as he settled into the chair and propped his feet up on the coffee table.
“Around.”
“Hmph.”
For a few tense moments we sat in silence as I inhaled three slices of pizza without taking a breath. It wasn’t until it settled in my stomach, I realised I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a proper meal. It felt like weeks. It may well have been.
After taking a long pull from my beer, I settled back and belched loudly.
“Right! You’ve been fed now, so start talking,” Derek declared, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest. No wonder criminals caved under his scrutiny. Even knowing I’d done nothing wrong wasn’t enough to calm the butterflies taking flight in my chest.
“What?”
“Don’t even try it, Nate! Where the hell have you been?”
Gulping, I knew there was no point lying. Maybe it would do me good to talk. Maybe not. But I got the distinct feeling I didn’t really have a choice. “I had to go out of town for a couple of days. That’s all.”
“Yeah, over a week ago.”
“Then I had some stuff to catch up on.”
“Like?”
“God, Derek! Interrogation much?” I chuckled, trying to lighten the situation.
“Nah. Just worried about a mate who looks like he’s working himself to death. I’m just kinda wondering why.”
Well, fuck me sideways. Now I was really screwed.
“I just had to deal with some shit back home.”
“Home?”
“Sydney.”
“Oh. Okay. All sorted now?”
“As much as it’ll ever be.”
I knew it would never be sorted. That I’d never be okay. There was no way I ever could be. All I could hope for was each day it would get a little easier. A little lighter. And I’d never again have to set foot back in that god forsaken town.
“Another?” Derek offered, rising from the chair and heading towards the kitchen. I nodded my agreement.
When he returned, I found myself staring at the brown bottle, mindlessly picking at the label. “So…what’s new with you, anyway?”
He groaned loudly before rocking back on his chair and dragging his hands through his hair. For the first time, I looked beyond my own issues and saw Derek clearly. He looked as crappy as I felt. And if anything, that made me feel even worse. I’d been so immersed in my own pity party, I hadn’t even bothered to check in on any of my friends. Even when he’d shown up, I’d been annoyed because he intruded on my solitude. It never once occurred to me perhaps Derek needed a friend just as much as I did.
“Not a lot. Mia’s gone crazy with wedding plans.”
“Oh yeah. It’s coming around quickly, isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“Still keen on it.”
“Absolutely.”
“Sounds like the scripted response. Cold feet?”
I watched and waited while Derek took a long swig of his beer, before setting the bottle back on the table. A sly smirk tugged at his lips. “I could use a pair of socks.”
That did it.
It was all we needed to break the ice. The booming laughter echoed off the blank walls.
“Mia gone all bridezilla yet?”
“Hell no!”
“What’s wrong, then? I mean, I’ve met Mia, and you definitely got the right girl, so you can’t be having second thoughts about her. ’Cause if you are, I’ll take her off your hands…” That earnt me a punch to the arm. Hard.
“Don’t even think about it!”
“She is kinda hot…”
“And wearing my ring,” Derek growled. I knew I’d hit a sore spot.
The truth was I’d never go there with Mia. Don’t get me wrong, she was an awesome chick. And hot as hell, if you’re into that sexy pixie thing, but I’d seen the way she lit up whenever Derek entered the room. I’d never seen a couple more perfectly suited to each other. Watching Derek go all caveman at the mere mention of me playing house with his sexy as sin fiancée was the most amusement I’d had in a long time.
“Damn! I hate it when I’m too late. So if it’s not her…”
“It’s Zoe. That damn woman is driving me insane.”
“Zoe?”
“My best friend from Melbourne. She’s my best man and driving me batty.”
“Zoe’s your best man?”
“Yeah.” He quirked his eyebrow in my direction. I’d never heard of a female best man before. I mean, if that’s what Derek wanted, then more power to him, it was just something I hadn’t seen. “She’s as close as I’m going to get. But the issue is, she wants to plan my bucks’ party.”
“And the issue is?”
“You’ve met Zoe. Her idea of a wild night is two fruity cocktails with umbrellas, then watching Magic Mike in her pyjamas while scarfing down a block of chocolate before falling asleep on the couch.”
“Right.”
I could see his dilemma. Even though I didn’t know the full story when it came to Zoe, it was obvious that he loved that girl. They shared an unmistakable bond that was obvious to anyone who saw them. Now he had to choose. Let the girl who had some hold on his heart plan his bachelor party and let her smile light up the world or, tell her no and watch as disappointment filled her eyes.
“Why don’t you ask Mia to talk to her?”
“Mia?”
“Yeah. Girls are good at dealing with each other’s emotional bullshit.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I am. And if Zoe really is the woman you think she is, all she’ll really want is to see you happy.”
“You’re probably right.”
“No probably about it. I know I am. Anyway, she’s going to be the one standing next to you on the big day, isn’t she?” Derek nodded. “Then there’s no way you’re forgetting her. She’s got the most important role on the day, well, after you and Mia, obviously.”
“What?”
“Make sure you get there without throwing up all over your tux.”
Derek clapped me on the shoulder. Hard. With the warmth from his hand seeping through my shirt, for the first time since I’d moved here, since I’d run away from everything I knew and was, I allowed myself to believe that maybe I’d found someone I could call a friend.
Shaking my head, I attempted to clear the heavy thoughts I needed to move on. Guys didn’t talk about emotional crap, yet for some reason here we were having a deep and meaningful on a Friday night. What’s worse was, neither of us were drunk. That was the only excuse for having this conversation. A conversation that needed to end…now!
Derek must have had the same thought. Grabbing us each another beer, I popped the cap just as Derek said, “So, wanna show me what you’ve been up to?”
“Sure.”
A moment later we were standing in the bare bedroom while I pointed out the changes I’d made and my future plans. Although I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what I was doing, Derek had some good ideas.
“What are you going to do when you finish it?”
“If I finish it,” I corrected.
“When. You will.”
“I don’t really know.”
“Will you head back to the city?”
“What makes you think I’d go back there?” I couldn’t keep the shock from my voice. Even the thought of going back there sent a cold shiver through me.
“Isn’t it your home?”
If, for a moment nothing could hurt me more than the shit I’d already been through, then Derek’s simple question gutted me. It hurt in ways I couldn’t imagine possible and never believed could happen.
“I don’t have a home,” I snapped as a stomped past him, flicking off the light and leaving him standing alone in a dark, empty, lifeless bedroom.
As soon as I found myself in the kitchen, I grabbed the bottle of bourbon from the cupboard and poured a healthy swig into the closest thing I could find. I was holding my shit together. Barely. It took everything I had to pour it into the nearest coffee mug rather than drink straight from the bottle. Tossing my head back, I swallowed it down, feeling the burn all the way down my throat. It was exactly what I needed. What I craved. The burn pulled my focus away from the stabbing feeling that was piercing my broken heart.
“Tomorrow night. Dinner at our place. Be there at seven.”
“But…”
“No, Nate. No buts about it. Be there or else I’ll send Mia over to kick your sorry ass.”
“She wouldn’t. She couldn’t…”
“Don’t underestimate my girl. She’s a firecracker and she’d have no issues at all pulling your head out of your ass.”
I unscrewed the cap on the bourbon and refilled my cup. I needed sleep. Tomorrow was going to be hard as hell, harder than any day I’d ever endured. I knew the only way I was getting any rest at all would be to pass out. Again.
“We’ll see.”
I couldn’t bring myself to promise him I’d be there. I knew there was a better than certain chance I wouldn’t show. The stubborn look on Derek’s face though, told me everything I needed to know. He wasn’t going to listen. Not now.
He took a final swig from his beer before pouring the rest down the sink. He tossed the bottle in the bin with a clatter before he headed for the door. As he pulled it open, a gust of frigid air blasted through the doors. A shiver caressed my skin.
“Tomorrow.” He nodded as he heaved the door shut behind him.
Tossing my bourbon back, I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion flood my body. One shot, then another, and I switched the light off before stumbling down the hallway towards my bedroom. My bed was calling.