Josie
Regret. Total and complete regret flooded my body. Last night had been almost fun. Even though it was work, I’d had the opportunity to talk to people other than Mia and Derek. As much as I loved my sister and her fiancé, there were only so many nights I could sit on the couch beside them while they sucked face through episode after episode of Big Bang Theory. It hadn’t been hard work, but right now my feet were protesting. Angrily.
Matilda screamed, so I put my mug on the counter and headed towards her room. Mia was a saint. She’d taken the early shift and got up with Matilda around five, fed and changed her, then played with her until I’d surfaced. It was after nine when I shuffled out to the lounge room and found them rolling around on the floor. Matilda was stacking blocks, then knocking them over, only to dissolve into a fit of giggles. The smile on Mia’s face was so alive I hated to break up their party. For a moment, barely a breath in time, I leaned against the wall and remained silent, watching them.
The moment Matilda spotted me, the spell was broken. Instantly on hands and knees, she crawled towards me as fast as her tiny body could move her. Her smile lit up my heart. She made my tired, aching body suddenly not feel so bad.
“Hey Munchkin.” I bent down and scooped her into my arms, which earned me a squeal of delight. “Thanks for looking after her last night.”
“Any time,” Mia assured me, as she tossed the abandoned blocks back in the purple bucket in the corner. “So, how’d it go? Think you’ll go back?”
I shifted Matilda in my arms; she was the most wiggly child I’d ever met. She never sat still. Even when she was sleeping she was squirming. It was common for me to put her down for a nap and when I went to get her barely half an hour later, she was completely turned upside down with the blankets tangled and her foot caught between the rails. More than once I’d worried about her getting so tangled she couldn’t breathe or move, but so far I’d been lucky.
“It was good. I mean, it wasn’t anything life changing, but it was good to just get out. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love this little snot ball, but…”
“I get it, Josie. You don’t have to justify yourself to me. I’m glad. You need to get out of the house. Be something other than Matilda’s mum occasionally.”
“W-what are you saying?” I felt my spine straighten. I didn’t know what Mia was getting at, but whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it.
Mia stood up, obviously sensing a fight. Running her hands over her face, she backed down quickly. “Josie, you’re an amazing mother. And that little girl is extremely lucky to have you. But there’s more to you than just being her mum. She needs you to be the best version of yourself. She deserves that. You deserve that.”
“Oh.”
“Thanks.” I felt like a bitch. I hadn’t been expecting that. “How was she?”
“She was Matilda.”
I laughed and it felt good. Everything felt a little lighter, like the dark cloud that had been circling overhead had lifted.
It was late January and it was hot. Too hot. Even with the air conditioning running at full blast, the air still felt heavy, and I was sweating like a pig. There wasn’t a breath of wind. It was still and stifling. Matilda was whinging and wouldn’t go down for her nap. Not that I could blame her. The moment my back touched the lounge, my sticky skin clung to the leather.
“Let’s fill up the tubs with water and stick our feet in,” Mia suggested eagerly as she dragged two huge plastic containers through the living room and out the back door.
Scooping Matilda up from the tiles where she was playing with a tea towel on her head, I carried her outside, where Mia was already filling the tubs under the shade of the overgrown gum tree in the corner of the yard. Finally catching on to her idea, I set Matilda down and watched for a second as she crawled happily across the burnt brown grass towards Mia. Grabbing two green plastic chairs, I carried them across the yard and put them beside the tubs before turning on my heel and heading back inside to get the pièce de résistance.
Grabbing a hat and some sunscreen for Matilda, as well as a couple of towels, I was just about to head back out when a squeal penetrated the silence and shot straight to my heart. Dropping everything, I sprinted through the house and out the door, managing to bash the point of my elbow into the solid wooden frame. Barely pausing, I let the list of expletives fall from my mouth as I crossed the yard as quickly as I could.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” I huffed when I stepped beside Mia, my hands propped on my hips, my heart still racing at a million miles an hour.
Glancing down, I spied my daughter with the cheekiest smirk plastered across her adorable face and her eyes alight with mischief. Mia had filled one of the tubs a third of the way, stripped off Matilda, and set her down in the cool, clear water. There she sat, naked as a jay bird, splashing happily in the shade of the tree.
Mia just looked over at me and shrugged. “What?”
“Seriously?”
For a few moments I watched while Mia squatted down and played in the water like she was a kid. She looked so happy. In her element. The grin on Mia’s face made her look years younger than her birth certificate revealed. This was exactly where she was supposed to be. The life she deserved. The life she’d never have. The errant thought tore through me like a runaway freight train. Sometimes I forgot about Mia’s troubles, I was so absorbed in my own life. Then others, moments like right now, it was so glaringly obvious that it physically hurt. I don’t know how she did it. Got out of bed each day. Kept going. Kept believing that somehow it would be okay. That it would turn out all right in the end. That she could be happy. She was a fucking inspiration and she broke my heart. Wiping the stray tear from my cheek, I turned and headed back to the house. I needed a few minutes. And I knew there were no better hands in the world to leave my daughter in.
Forty minutes later, Mia and I had settled back in our chairs, Matilda was dressed in just a nappy as she crawled around the grass, grabbing at everything that wasn’t nailed down. We had our feet buried in a tub of water, sunglasses on, and a cool beer in our hand.
“Well, well, well. Obviously this is where the party is,” Derek taunted as he strode arrogantly across the lawn.
He had swagger. It was undeniable. He was dressed head to toe in his blue uniform, aviators settled over his eyes and holster at his hip. I felt the shiver pass through my body when my eyes settled on it. I didn’t know why it unsettled me. It pissed me off that it did. I saw him pretty much dressed like this every day, but every damn day there it was. Irrefutable and completely annoying.
“Come to join us?” Mia smiled up at him, hope brimming from her wide smile.
She was just as in love with Derek today as she was the first moment she’d seen him. Sure, her instant infatuation had deepened, but the lust was still there. If anything, it was more intense than ever. Trust me, I heard it. Every. Single. Night.
“I wish,” he replied solemnly as his smile fell.
“You’re going out and don’t know when you’ll be back.”
I watched their interaction from the sidelines. Like some creepy stalker, I tracked their every move. They were so in sync that Mia knew what he would say even before he said it. Squatting down to meet her disappointed face dead on, he slipped his glasses up over his forehead before settling them on the top of his head. She silently leant towards him, leaning into his hand on her cheek. I should have looked away. Given them their privacy. But I couldn’t tear my eyes from them. They were so disgustingly happy. Part of me wanted to punch them both in the face for being so sickeningly sweet. The other part, well, she was just a jealous bitch.
I didn’t catch Derek’s response, but I caught the tiny kiss he left on her forehead as he rose to his feet.
“Be safe,” Mia mumbled.
“Always,” he said. The one word, one simple, single word was so full of promise and even though I hadn’t known Derek that long I knew it was a promise he wouldn’t willingly break in a hurry.
A moment later he was gone and we were left to our own devices. Stealing a glance at Mia, I watched as she tugged at the label on her now empty beer bottle, obviously distracted. “I don’t know how you do it, Mia.”
“Do what?” She looked up, confusion written on her face.
“Let him go like that.”
“Why?”
“His job. I mean, you never know where or when or what…”
“He’s happy. That’s all that matters.”
“But are you?” My words hung in the air like a bad smell.
The question may have seemed like it’d come from nowhere. Just some backhanded remark I spewed out in the moment. Nothing could be further from the truth. From the moment I’d moved in with them, I often wondered how Mia got through each and every one of his shifts. I’d heard the phone ring in the middle of the night, followed by the heavy footsteps through the house, barely a breath before the engine of his cruiser fired to life. There was no stability there. No guarantees. I wasn’t sure I could do it. Actually, I was pretty positive I couldn’t. Then again, Mia was a hell of a lot stronger than me. She always has been. A lot stronger than I’d ever given her credit for. If anyone could endure and thrive in the uncertainty, then it was definitely my sister.
Just as Mia’s mouth opened, an ear-splitting screech stole our attention. We were both out of the chair before we knew it, heading towards the middle of the yard, where Matilda sat screaming bloody murder. Reaching her side, I picked her up.
“Hey there. What’s all that noise about?” I asked in my calmest voice. I heard it waver, but thankfully Matilda was still too young to sense my concern. Checking her over, I quickly found the problem. Digging into the centre of her palm was a thistle. “Is this what hurts?” I inquired as I opened her hand up.
Big, fat, wet tears dripped from her eyes and every single one broke my heart. Silently, Mia moved to my side and checked it out. “Okay, Munchkin, let’s get that nasty thing out!” Mia explained as she reached down and pulled it out while I held Matilda’s wrist still. As soon as it was gone, Mia bent down and kissed the sore spot. “All better!”
Matilda giggled, all pain and tears forgotten as she once again began to wiggle in my arms. “Well, I guess she’s over that,” I huffed as I set her back on the grass. Before I’d taken a step she’d wrapped her arm around my leg and pulled herself to her feet.
“Guess so,” Mia agreed quickly, but I knew her well. Maybe too well. There was more behind her words than just Matilda’s drama. “I’m starving. I’m going to head in and find some food. You want something?”
“Sure.”
I watched Mia go, before turning and cleaning up the mess. The light hearted afternoon was over and it was all my fault. If only I’d learn to keep my big mouth shut.
After dinner, I got Matilda bathed and off to bed before braving the icy reception waiting for me in the lounge room. Ever since I’d opened my big mouth, the conversation between us had been stilted. I knew I should apologise, I should take it back, but I just couldn’t. Seeing Mia like this was painful and it was all my fault. Now things were settled, now Matilda and I were doing fine, maybe it was time we found somewhere else to live. Give Mia and Derek some space to just be. Have some time to just enjoy being together. Happy. Engaged. The more I considered the idea, the more I knew it was the right decision. Tomorrow, I’d start to figure out a plan.
Bringing my toes up on the coffee table, I focused on removing the remnants of chipped purple polish so I could apply a new colour. These days it was the only thing I did to make myself feel pretty. My hair mostly looked like I’d stuck a finger in a light socket thanks mostly to the little girl who constantly tugged at my curls, and makeup was pretty much a thing of the past. It took time and patience to apply, time I didn’t have. And clothes. Don’t even mention fashion to me. When I was in Melbourne, fashion was my world. I loved my sky high heels and silky tops. I loved anything that showed off my amazing boobs. But my absolute favourite item was a pair of black leather pants. They fit like a second skin and made my ass look fabulous. In fact, if I was a betting woman, I’d put money on it that Matilda was a result of a night out in those pants. They made me feel sexy and confident. I loved shaking my ass on the dance floor, watching the guys who circled drool as I dropped it to the floor before bouncing back up. Now, thanks to the after effects of childbirth and too many months of binge eating Tim Tams, I doubt they’d even pull up over my thunder thighs, let alone cover my fat ass. It was shit. So the only thing I had to make me feel hot these days was a coat of polish to my toes. This week, I desperately needed a boost. Hooker red it was.
Halfway through my first coat, Mia dropped into the lounge beside me and sighed heavily. There was something on her mind. She had this look about her that was a dead giveaway. She had something she wanted to say, but by the way she was chewing on her lip it was obvious she was struggling to find the words. The way her eyebrows knitted together as she twisted her hands in her lap made me cringe. She was my sister. She shouldn’t have to hold back what she was thinking or try to find the politically correct version. She should just blurt out whatever she was thinking so we could deal with it. Together. Like we had everything else life had thrown at us.
I lasted four and a half minutes. Four and a half minutes of watching her fight her thoughts. Four and a half minutes of flicking through every single television channel we had, barely pausing for a second to see what was on. Four and a half minutes before I snapped more harshly than I’d intended. “Seriously, Mia! What is it? Just spit it out already!”
“What?”
“Whatever it is that’s got your panties in a twist. Just say it already.”
“It’s not…I don’t…”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I forced myself to remain silent. Finishing the first coat, I put the lid on the polish and sunk back against the lounge. For a long moment I watched her struggle. Running her hand through her short blonde hair, Mia huffed and squeezed her eyes shut before pinching the bridge of her nose.
It was seriously pissing me off. Now was not the time though, to lose my shit and strangle her. But she was seriously testing my waning patience.
“You…you’re right.” It came out as barely a whisper.
“Of course I was,” I replied with a chuckle. I usually was, but this time I had no idea what I was actually right about. “About what, specifically?”
“Me.”
Fuck! Getting sense out of her was like pulling teeth. I didn’t even have to work this hard to get Matilda to eat her dinner, and that was one fussy eater. “Any chance there’s more to this story?”
“Me being happy.”
Well, shit.