Josie
I watched as Nate shuffled out the door and away from me. I felt like crap. Like death warmed up. The desire to crawl into bed and bury my head under the covers until the whole world fell silent was almost too good to resist. Turning my attention back to Matilda, I wanted to throttle my daughter. Sure she was cute, and most of the time she was a bouncing ball of fun, but right now I wanted to walk away and pretend she wasn’t mine. She’d been out of the bath for less than an hour and already she needed another.
“You have yoghurt everywhere, Matilda.” I tried to keep the annoyance and frustration out of my voice, but judging by the look Mia shot me, I hadn’t been very successful.
“Jo-Jo…”
Bloody Mia was bringing out the heavy artillery. I hated when she used nicknames. It was worse than when your parents used your full name, which was something I hadn’t heard in a long time. Not since the day I’d disappointed my mother so severely they’d cut me out of their lives.
“What?”
“Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll look after the Munchkin?”
I yawned deeply. “I can’t expect you to do that.”
“Josie! You’re sick. And the last thing either of us need is a sick little girl, which is all that’s going to happen if you keep trying to do everything and be everything for everyone. Please, Josie, just for once, let me take care of Matilda and you take care of you.”
“I…can’t. She’s my daughter…”
“If the next words that come out of your mouth are ‘she’s my responsibility,’ I swear to god, Josie, I will slap you where you stand. You’re sick. You need to rest so you can get better. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum. No one will hold it against you. Fuck, no one else even needs to know. And let’s face it, if I’m going to hold something against you, it’s going to be one of the embarrassing stories I have of you from the past twenty-odd years.”
“Bitch!”
Rising to my feet, I wobbled. The wave of dizziness consumed me. Lucky for me, Mia was right there beside me before I had a chance to topple over and land on my ass, but I caved pretty quickly after that. After dosing me up on meds and promising to wake me if she needed me, Mia tucked me in and kissed my burning forehead good night.
It took a week before I was back to normal.
A week of Mia and Derek being my saviour. They did everything they could to make it easier. Mia looked after Matilda like she was her own. Bathing her. Feeding her. Reading her bedtime stories. All the things that I, her mother, should have been doing. Things I just didn’t have the energy to do. Even getting out of bed seemed like an effort.
Another week passed before I returned to work. I never thought I’d be as thankful to be a bar maid as I was that first night back. Just being back in the land of the living. Having other adults to talk to. Being dressed in real clothes. If I never pulled on my yoga pants again it would be too soon. At one point I considered setting them alight.
It was Tuesday night and I felt alive again. I’d washed and straightened my hair before pulling it back in a high ponytail. I’d even taken the time to apply my makeup. Even though I’d been out of it for more than a week, the best part was I’d managed to lose that last five kilos that I’d had no amount of trouble trying to shake. The upside was, I was able to squeeze my ass into my favourite skinny jeans. That fact alone had my confidence soaring. Now all I needed was for Nate to come in.
The minutes ticked by, and as much as I didn’t want to admit I was watching the door, every time it creaked I couldn’t help but to look up, hoping. Throughout my two week hibernation I’d dreamt about the man who made me feel more alive than ever, more than I’d care to admit. Mia had taunted me incessantly, but I kept blowing her off. It was like if I said it out loud, it was real. And that was something I really wasn’t ready to deal with.
He never showed.
The disappointment must have shown on my face because Jenna was on to me in a minute. “Don’t tell me he’s not here yet?”
“What? Who?”
“Nice try, sweetheart. But you know exactly who I’m talking about. Mister tall, dark and broody.”
“Nate?”
“Of course Nate. Where is he? That boy hasn’t missed the steak special since he arrived in town.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
I don’t know if he was avoiding me, but part of me suspected. It was ridiculous. I’m ridiculous. I had absolutely nothing to base my assumptions on other than the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
For the next hour I shuffled around the restaurant, going through the motions but not really paying attention. He never showed. Not tonight. Nor the next night. Not even the one after that. In fact, he didn’t show for the next month. Even on the days when I wasn’t rostered on, not once did Nate come in.
I didn’t realise how much his absence affected me. Every time I walked into the club, my eyes found their way to the empty table against the window. Obviously big mouth Jenna didn’t keep her observations to herself.
“Where’s your boyfriend been hiding?” Derek asked while we sat in front of the television watching some old James Bond movie.
“What boyfriend?”
“Nate.”
“He’s…Nate’s not my boyfriend,” I clarified quickly.
Mia mumbled. She was curled against Derek’s side, a blanket laid out over their legs, Derek’s arm draped around her shoulders, holding her close. The pangs of jealousy that stabbed at me hurt like a bitch. With Matilda snoring softly in Derek’s lap, they looked like a perfect family.
I was getting worse and worse at hiding my true feelings. I wanted what they had. Desperately. But it wasn’t that easy to find. At least it wasn’t for me.
“What was that, Mia? Didn’t quite catch that.”
“You didn’t need to.”
“Bitch.”
“You know it.”
“Where is he, anyway?”
“How the hell should I know?”
“You’re the one dating him.”
“No! I’m not.”
I’d been out with the guy once, and it may or may not have been an actual date, I still wasn’t convinced. More than that though, I hadn’t seen nor heard from him since he’d been over for the bonfire, and even that was to see Derek, not me. I vaguely remember seeing him, but with the fever I was running and the concoction of medications Mia was feeding me, there was a very good chance I’d hallucinated him.
“Well, no one else is.”
“What?”
“Haven’t you heard?”
“Heard what?”
Mia was enjoying this entirely too much. There was mischief on her face that was undeniable. I felt myself squirm. I caught the strange look exchanged between Derek and Mia. It was pissing me off. I needed to know. Desperately. I just couldn’t bring myself to come out and ask. I knew if I did, it would be just another thing for Mia to hold over my head.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Mia…” There was warning in Derek’s tone. He knew Mia well enough to know she was being a bitch. Part of me couldn’t help but think Derek was relieved that I was the target of Mia’s torment, giving him a much needed day off.
“Fine…spoilsport.” Mia huffed as she moved out of Derek’s reach, careful not to wake sleeping Matilda, and for that I was eternally grateful. That child had been a tornado lately. From the moment she learnt the word ‘no’ she’d become the devil incarnate. “Everyone’s talking about your man.”
“He’s not my man!” I protested. Loudly.
“Well, if you want him to be, you better get your shit together, little sister, and stake your claim. Because if you don’t, someone else will.”
That got my attention. I wished it didn’t, but it really did.
“I don’t—”
“Stop!” Mia silenced me with a dismissive wave of her hand. “I know whatever comes out of your mouth next is going to be bullshit, so let’s just not. You want him. I’m not sure what the hell he wants, but you two need to get over yourselves and figure it out.”
“God, Mia! It’s not that simple.”
Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Derek found his feet, my daughter in his arms. “I’m just going to put Munchkin into bed.”
“I can do that.”
“Let me, Josie. You two need to have this conversation.”
Stumbling to my feet, I pressed a kiss against Matilda’s forehead, pausing to breathe in her innocent scent. This girl drove me to the very edge of madness, and some days she pushed me over, but she was my heart. “I don’t wanna.”
“I know, sweetheart, but it’s time.”
Shit!
I wanted to argue. I wanted to run screaming from the house. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to stamp my feet. Damn, I was exactly like my daughter. Now I knew where she got that stubborn streak.
My eyes darted back and forth between Derek’s retreating back and Mia. They exchanged a silent conversation, one I wasn’t privy to. Jealousy coursed through my veins. I wanted that. More than ever.
“Right.”
“Mia. I don’t want to do this.”
“I know. And I don’t care. It’s been forever Josie. It’s time to let it go.”
“I…I…can’t.”
“You have to, Jo-Jo. It’s destroying you. You don’t deserve this. I know what you think you do. And I know all of the things that Mum and Dad said to you. Josie, they were wrong. You never set out to get pregnant. But if you didn’t hook up with that scum bag, we wouldn’t have that precious little girl in there. You’re not a slut, or a whore, or any of those other things they called you. You made one mistake. One. It doesn’t mean you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. You don’t have to punish yourself forever. You don’t deserve this, Josie. No one does. It’s time for you to focus on you again. You need to do whatever it is that’s going to make you happy.”
“I don’t know how.” A tear trickled over my cheeks. It was the first time I’d allowed myself to admit it. I didn’t even have a clue where to begin.
Without a word, Mia crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around me. If I wasn’t such an emotional freak right now, I’d be complaining about her bony ass digging into my thigh. She smoothed my hair down and held me tight. It was exactly the same thing I did to Matilda when she was upset. Just hold her tight against the steady rhythm of my heart and wait for the hurt to pass.
I don’t know how long we sat there like that. I cried until I didn’t think I had any more tears left in me and Mia’s shoulder was damp. “I’m going to help you. Derek and I both are. You’re going to be happy again, Josie.”
“You’ve already done so much for me, Mia. I can’t ask for more.”
“You’re not asking.”
“You’ve put up with me living with you and not once have you bitched about me being in your way. You stood there in the delivery room when I gave birth to Matilda and you didn’t bat an eye, even though I knew it was killing you inside. But I was a selfish bitch and I couldn’t do it without you. I was scared, and if you weren’t’ there, then I would have been all alone. And I couldn’t do it. Me being here has to have hurt you.”
“It has.”
Her honesty stunned me.
It shouldn’t have. I know I was the one who put the words in her mouth, but to have them confirmed, it fucking stung.
“Then why?”
I was on a roll now. As much as it hurt, I had to keep going. If I said it all now, all in one go, hopefully we’d never have to revisit this conversation again. At least I prayed we wouldn’t.
“Simple. You needed me. And I’m your sister.”
“Mia…”
“I’m going to tell you something, Josie, and you’re going to listen very fucking carefully ’cause I’m only going to say this once, okay? So shut up and listen. I’m not going to lie. It fucking hurt like hell to watch you become a mother. And honestly, it’s hurt every day since. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve let me be in Matilda’s life in a way I don’t think I could ever have imagined. When they told me I’d never be a mother, I thought I’d never get that chance. But you gave me that. You shared your most treasured possession in the world, your beautiful Matilda, with me, and no matter what else happens I can’t thank you enough for that. But now, now isn’t the time to worry about that. Right now, we need to do whatever it takes to make you happy.”
“I am happy.”
“No, sweetheart, you’re not. You’re so far from happy you’re not even on the same planet. You’re pretending to be happy and it’s not the same thing. What’s going to make you really, truly happy?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“What used to make you smile then?”
“Loaded question.”
“One that needs an answer.” Mia shifted in my lap and her bony ass dug into me, making me moan in pain. “What was the one thing that made all your worries fade away?”
“Freedom. I used to just be free to just be.” The moment the words were out of my mouth I wished I could take them back. I was a horrible, horrible person. What sort of mother wanted freedom? “I didn’t mean…”
I jumped up, sending Mia tumbling to the floor at my feet. I tugged at my hair, feeling the sting. I hated myself for saying it.
“No one will ever know. It’s just me, Josie. It doesn’t make you a bad mum or even a bad person. It makes you human. When was the last time you felt it?”
“Felt what?”
“Felt like the Josie who used to steal my makeup and drag me out in the middle of the night to go dancing. The Josie who woke me up and forced me to boot camp because she thought it would make me feel better. The Josie who rolled my first joint. The Josie who convinced me skinny dipping in the bay was a good idea.”
“Hey! It was a great idea…”
“It wasn’t even nine degrees!”
“It was fun though.”
“Off topic here…”
“Sorry.”
“You’re not. But yes, it was. But when was the last time you felt like that?”
“Like doing something crazy?”
“Mmph.” My mind went into overdrive. When was the last time I felt that happy? That free?
Then it hit me. Like a fucking runaway train, heading downhill without brakes. Since Matilda was born I’d only felt like that a handful of times. And they all had something in common. Nate-fucking-Mitchell.