July 25

I usually enjoy girls’ nights, but I’m really looking forward to this one tonight. I have this fluttery, almost anxious feeling inside that’s stayed with me since being with Jack—which has been exacerbated because I haven’t seen him or heard from him. Even though I know I shouldn’t expect a thing, I still did—thought he’d send me a text just to kind of touch base, especially since he was seriously touching me. But I need to keep in mind that it’s not like we’re dating.

Maybe if I explain it to my friends, it’ll be clearer to me. I hope. Bottom line, I need to connect with some people who get me so I can hopefully gain some insight as to how I’m going to handle these next few weeks: keep things in perspective, let go and just enjoy myself.

And then let go of the relationship.

Correction: alliance. Not relationship. But whatever you call it, this is the first experience with a man since my divorce. So it’s kind of a big deal. Throw that in a bowl with the fact that I’m not the type of person who takes risks...mix it all up, and you’ve got the recipe for one hot mess.

Speaking of recipes, I’ve made a few summery apps: cucumber and avocado roll-ups, wonton wrappers filled with chili, shrimp and lime sour cream, black bean and corn salad, crab stuffed mushrooms. Kept it simple with the drinks: wine smoothies and strawberry-lemonade beer. For dessert, cake pops. They love my cake pops. Which I may or may not have sampled this afternoon. I did have to see if they came out all right. I’m just that kind of a friend.

The food prep kept me busy a good part of the day, so I was able to relax a little with that and my Spotify jazz playlist. I dressed up the table with a pretty floral runner and picked a few poppies, cosmos and daisies for a centerpiece. I’m at the sink filling the vase with water when the cars pull in, and my house is soon filled with one of my favorite sounds: my girlfriends’ voices.

Delaney walks in the kitchen with the Bananagrams game, followed by Amanda, owner of a fabulous Italian restaurant in Ellsworth. I hug them both, and they ooh and aah over the food on the island.

“My freaking word,” Amanda booms, her brown eyes round with amazement. “Look at this spread. Just how fucking stressed are you?”

She knows how I get. “Pretty stressed. But it’s kind of a good stressed.” I’m blushing already. Laney winks at me since she has some idea.

“Ooh, I want to hear!”

Jordan shows up a few minutes later. She’s an associate broker at the office that everyone loves because she’s so bright and bubbly, followed by Kelly, my neighbor two houses down and a stay-at-home mom with twin toddlers.

“God, Maddie—you don’t know how much I needed this tonight.” Kelly clasps her hands dramatically, casting her eyes to the ceiling. “I love my babies more than chocolate, but today was a tornado of poopy Pull-ups, peeing in the potted plant, pulling each other’s hair, me pulling out my own hair…and that was all before breakfast.”

“You make motherhood sound so magical. I’m glad I’m a lesbian,” Amanda smirks.

Kelly narrows her eyes and points at her. “Lesbians can have babies. Don’t think you’re getting off the hook that easily.”

“Oh, pfffft.” Amanda waves her hand dismissively. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before my uterus sees any action other than menstrual cramps.”

Everyone’s hungry, so we eat, and the consensus is that the crab-stuffed mushrooms are borderline orgasmic. The decibel level rises in direct proportion to the number of alcoholic beverages, and I love how my kitchen sounds and feels with some of my favorite human beings here—filled up with their buoyant energy. We talk about Kelly’s dry spell in the bedroom, Amanda’s cranky but fabulous chef, Jordan’s new lawyer boyfriend, how Delaney is totally soured on men because of the pigs she works with. I tell them about the text from Paul, and they react just as I knew they would: shocked, repulsed, pissed. They immediately ask if I responded, and I tell them of course not, and a debate ensues as to whether I should have replied fuck off, or that I’ve moved on and he should, too, or if I should have just sent back a middle finger emoji. We finally all concur I did a good thing by ignoring, but Kelly warns that I may hear from him again.

I don’t share my other stuff, about Jack. Yet.

Laney reaches for her third? fourth? appetizer and sighs. “I love these little rolled-up pieces of heaven. They’re spicy and sweet at the same time.”

“Mustard and soy sauce,” I inform her.

“Mmm. Delish. You kind of outdid yourself this time, Maddie. But we’re all okay with that. Aren’t we, girls?”

They all nod vehemently. I swish my hand at them and get up from the table to refill the wine smoothie pitcher. Murphy jumps up on the counter and I quickly lift him off.

Amanda snorts. “Don’t pretend he doesn’t do that about seventeen times a day, because we all know he does.” They erupt in laughter.

“Bitches. All of you,” I say, but I can’t help but smile. We take a break from eating and move into the living room with our drinks.

“So. To recap.” Kelly settles back against the couch cushions and tucks her bare feet under her. “Jordan’s getting lots on a regular basis with a title attorney. I’m not getting any because my husband and I decided that Z’s are more important than O’s. Amanda has the hots for the chick who delivers linens to the restaurant. Laney might as well enter a convent. Which leaves...” She swings her gaze over to me, her hazel eyes lightening with curiosity. “...our hostess with the mostest.”

I take a sip of my lemonade beer and flash my friends an alcohol-laced grin. I’m feeling good...a bit silly, naughty, ready to share. “You all know about my bathroom renovation, right?”

Before I can say any more, Kelly squeals with delight. “Oh my gawd, you’re fucking your carpenter?!”

All of them lean forward eagerly, their eyes sparkling with wine and anticipation.

I shake my head, my face burning. “No.” My lips curve up. “Not...yet.

“But that’s coming,” winks Laney. “So to speak.”

“Carpenters are sooo hot,” Jordan gushes. “So what’s the scoop? You haven’t said anything at work!”

“I know. It’s all really new.”

They want to know what he looks like, and what we’ve “done,” and it feels like high school lunch gossip in the cafeteria. When I get to the part about the alliance and how it will end, there are raised eyebrows and wrinkled noses and puzzled faces. I try to reassure them, and it strikes me that I’m also reassuring myself.

“I’m okay with it. I mean, I have to be, right? I’m probably not even ready for a relationship. Sex without one, though...” I trail off and drain my glass. “Does this make me a slut?”

They all nod vigorously.

“Of course it does,” Kelly says. “But everyone is. Congratulations.”

I bring them upstairs to see the bathroom renovation in progress. I show them the printout of the design that’s taped to the wall, and they all approve. But of course, they’re most interested in the man behind the plan.

“I keep picturing him in his tool belt and nothing else,” sighs Jordan.

“Sorry, he’s got the wrong parts, so the images aren’t doing anything for me.” Amanda shrugs. “But I’m happy for you, girl. And proud, too—because you’re taking a risk. You’ve needed to just say fuck it and just do something for yourself.”

“What’s this guy’s name, anyway?” Kelly asks.

“Jackson Decker.”

A split-second pause, and then her eyes grow large. “Oh my God. Small world.” She reaches out to grab my arm. “That’s the guy my sister had.”

Had, as in did some work on her house, or had, as in did some work on her? I don’t even want to ask.

And I don’t need to, because the answer is all over her face—like she’s sympathetic and concerned and anxious that this news has upset me. “Kasey was pretty crazy about him. I think she got in deeper than she intended and had a tough time when he ended it. She said he was fantastic, though,” she adds hastily. “Really amazing.”

“With his tools? Or with his tool?” smirks Amanda.

“Um...both.”

“That’s good to know, right, Maddie?” Laney flashes me an encouraging smile.

“Yes. Very good. I’ve been happy with what he’s done so far. He’s been very...accommodating.”

I decide to shift the attention to the actual work renovation—you know, what I hired him for. Much safer, because as needy as it sounds, I don’t want to think about Jack being with other women. “I’m planning on a rain shower-head coming down from the ceiling.”

“Nope.” Kelly shakes her head. “I’m sorry, sweetie...I know what you’re trying to do here, but all I’m hearing is ‘head’ and ‘coming.’ Plus, I’ve got all the deets from what my big sis told me. So it’s not working. But if he’s anything for you like he was with her, you’ll be coming up with all sorts of honey-do lists.”

Delaney, who can read me like I’m transparent, jumps in to change the subject. “It looks like things are progressing just fine up here, but can we please check out the kitchen again? Because...cake pops.”

I’ve made too many which is just fine with everyone, because they’re all in the mood to eat too much. We’re stuffed, so we unbutton our shorts and sprawl out on the couches for a game of Bananagrams, deciding it would be way more fun if we tried to make dirty words. Even with this, even though we’re howling with laughter over Jordan’s creation of twat and Laney trying to defend her spelling of fallic, I’m obsessing over Kelly’s sister and her supposed alliance with Jack.

I think she got in deeper than she intended and had a tough time when he ended it.

What if the same thing happens to me? Or what if this experience cheapens me—changes my opinion of myself?

Uneasiness pools into the pockets of doubt inside of me.

Amanda takes the stick from her cake pop out of her mouth and points it at me. “Hey, pumpkin. What’s up? You’re awful quiet.”

“Just wondering if I should go through with this.”

“With the renovation guy? I think you should have some fun with it, Madeline,” Jordan says. “He’s gorgeous, he’s available, and you like him, right?”

“Right. I’m just a little stressed that...” My voice fades.

Kelly reaches across Delaney on the sofa to squeeze my knee. “Aw, honey, I hope what I said about my sister didn’t scare you off. It was really her issue, because he was totally up front with her about how their relationship would go. She just...got attached, I guess.”

Laney chimes in. “As long as you know going in that this is just a short-term sexcapade between two consenting adults, you should be fine. Keep the focus on the sex—just enjoying the sex, because I hear that’s what people do—and you won’t have a thing to worry about.”

I’m feeling a little bit better. I weave through the tangle of memories in my brain to retrieve what Jack had said to me: I’m exclusively theirs for the duration of the project...I’m not in the business of messing anyone up.

This will be a few weeks of monogamous sex. And no one will get messed up.

Smiling at Delaney, I tell her I think I can do it.

“Atta girl,” Amanda booms. She raises her beer mug. “To mindless sex.”

Jordan lifts her glass, giggling. “To making wholesome family games R-rated.”

I hold up my wine glass, sparks of excitement bursting inside me. “To guys who know how to use their tools.”

They all raise their glasses, cheering loudly, and I am so very ready to see Jackson Decker again.