August 12

“I’m thinking of doing it.” I’m multi-tasking on an absolutely gorgeous mid-August afternoon: catching up with Delaney on the phone while shopping at the farmer’s market in Ellsworth after a pre-closing walk-through in Trenton.

She sighs in exasperation. “Friends don’t let friends get bangs. We’ve been over this.”

“I know.”

“You know why they’re called bangs?”

“Um, no.”

“Because after you get them cut, you feel like banging your head against the wall.” She pauses for emphasis. “So don’t.”

“I just feel this urge.”

“Well, channel that urge into something else. Like banging your handyman.”

“Very funny.”

“He almost done the bathroom?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Ugh. Sorry.”

“Yes. Trying to make the most of it, though. I’m making dinner for us tonight.”

“Ooh, nice. I’m sure he’s impressed with your mad skills in the kitchen. As well as in the bedroom.”

“I do what I can.”

“You know, I was all for you having this tryst with him, as long as you didn’t get hurt. But I’m a little worried, because I think you’re going to be.” Her voice softens. “Any chance he’d reconsider this arrangement and actually date you?”

“I don’t think so. He’s been very clear about that from day one. I’ll just have to...” I swallow hard. “...deal with it.”

“Well, he’s crazy, then. I’m telling you, you’re the ultimate woman. Gorgeous, great cook, house on the ocean to boot and financially secure with her own business. If I was a lesbian, I’d be all over you like white on rice.”

Laughing, I stop in front of a stand with bunches of herbs and wildflowers in mason jars. “Thanks. That means a lot. Hey, speaking of business, things any better at Precision Machine?”

“Meh. Not really. I got a raise, though—I think Stu is worried I might quit. And believe me, if I could, I would. If it wasn’t for that pesky food and rent thing...”

“Ugh, I’m sorry. Still hoping to open a café someday?”

“Yeah. Hoping, dreaming, wishing.”

“You know I’ve told you I can loan you some money toward a downpayment.”

“I know. And I love you for that. But I can’t stand the thought of taking money from my BFF, or just accepting something without being able to give back in return.”

“That doesn’t bother me at all. I wish you’d consider it.”

“Thanks, Maddie—I’ll hopefully find a way.”

“Don’t give up, Lane. We can talk more about it later. Listen, I have to let you go—I need to get a few more things at the market.”

“Okay. Do you want to come to Harry Potter trivia tonight at Margarita’s? Amanda’s going, too.”

“Ohh, I would, but I think Jack is staying for dinner. At least I hope he is.”

“Understood. Hammer time trumps girlfriend time. Fuck his brains out.”

“Delaney.”

“I mean it. I want my BFF to be happy. Seriously, I do. We’ll catch up later. Love you lots.”

“Love you lots, too.” I slip my phone in my purse and check the purchases in my basket. Red and yellow peppers and sweet onions to grill, a loaf of French bread, half dozen ears of corn...I’ll get a couple lobsters from the seafood guy and pick up some flowers to dress up the table. Maybe a bag of mixed greens for a salad, with my homemade vinaigrette dressing. Jack says since he’s met me, he’s eaten more vegetables in the last few weeks than in all his life. I remember how his eyes looked when he said that—crinkling around the edges and glowing with warm affection, like he appreciated me looking out for his health.

It’s because I care about you, I had told him, and broke eye contact with him before anything got awkward. I don’t want to scare him, even though I know he won’t stay anyway. It’s funny; at the beginning, I was the one who was cautious. But now...I feel like I could keep on this same path, to see where it takes us.

If only Jack would want to walk with me.

Madeline. My inner voice berates me, and rightfully so. Shut up. Seriously. You are sounding pathetic. Enjoy the flirting, his company, and of course the sex, but be ready to let him go.

You don’t have a choice.

Maybe that’s what I’m having a tough time with—that it’s out of my hands.

Something tells me that it’s more than that.

“Miss? Did you want to buy those?” A college-age girl with two long braids and a nose ring is smiling at me expectantly. I realize that I’ve been standing in front of her holding a bunch of wildflowers in my hand, probably looking like I was in la-la land.

“Yes! Sorry.” I smile and hastily reach into my purse for cash. After paying, I walk down the row of stands, soaking up the fiery colors of peppers, the frilly bursts of flowers, the easy words of people with summer on their tongues, and I think, this. This is what I need to be focusing on. The here and now, with no glance in the rearview mirror or worry for what might lie ahead. The present, which right now includes Jack, who is probably almost done for the day.

But Jack, if I have my way...you’re not done for the night.