Christopher watched me like a hawk every single day. He didn’t go on dates or hang out with his work buddies. He didn’t play video games either, choosing to watch whatever I was watching on TV. He didn’t ask me a lot of questions, but he stuck to my side like I might crumble.

Yes, losing Calloway was hard.

Knowing he’d lied to me was harder.

Seeing him every day at work was heartbreaking.

But I wasn’t going to shed a tear. I wasn’t going to give in to the pain. I wasn’t going to let my life slip away. Calloway hurt me in so many ways, I didn’t know where to begin. He was purposely deceitful, and I felt stupid for trusting that man. So, if I let him tear me down the way Hank did, I would let Calloway win.

I couldn’t let him win.

I made a sandwich then sat on the other couch, ignoring Christopher’s peering gaze. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be discreet or not, but his constant worry was as obvious as the sun.

He finally snapped and turned off the TV. “Look, we need to talk.”

“About?” I popped a chip into my mouth and ate it slowly.

“I know what you’re doing, and it’s not gonna work.”

“I’m just eating a sandwich. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Don’t be a smartass right now.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “Ever since you guys broke up, you’ve acted like everything is fine, like nothing has changed. But everything has changed, Rome. You can’t just ignore the pain and forget the relationship ever happened.”

“I appreciate your concern.” I kept my voice calm, trying to make him relax. “But really, I’m fine. Calloway lied to me and hurt me… I’m not gonna say he didn’t. But I’m also not gonna sit around and cry all day. That’s not me, and we both know it.”

“I think ignoring it altogether isn’t good either.”

“I’m fine.” I knew I was lying to myself, but if I lied enough times, maybe it would become true.

He sighed then leaned back into the couch. “He’s a complete mess.”

I was about to take a bite of my sandwich when I changed my mind. “You’ve seen him?”

He nodded. “A few nights ago.”

“Why? Where?”

“I went to his place and gave him a piece of my mind.”

Oh, great. “Christopher…he’s not worth it.”

“Too late. I already told him off.”

“How did you even know where he lived?”

“Because I’m not an idiot and can figure shit out.” He crossed his arms, his eyebrows furrowed and tense. “And after I finished giving him hell, I actually felt bad for him.”

“Don’t.” Calloway didn’t deserve any sympathy.

“I know my opinion doesn’t matter, but despite what he did, I think he really cares about you.”

I didn’t care how Calloway felt. He didn’t prove it to me when he lied for so long—and about something so big. He liked chains and whips and for women to submit like slaves. I couldn’t be more different, with a back so strong and rigid it would never bend—not even for him. “He had an odd way of showing it.”

Christopher gave me a sad look, falling silent.

I felt stupid for giving Calloway so much of myself. Not just my virginity, but my heart. I told him I loved him, and up until last week, I thought he felt the same way—even if he wouldn’t say it. I felt a special connection with him, a partnership that could last a lifetime. He was my best friend, and I felt like I’d lost more than just a boyfriend.

If I thought about it too long, the depression would start to grow and pull me under. So, I concentrated on my sandwich and changed the subject. “Are you going to keep going to Ruin?”

He shook his head. “Major conflict of interest.”

“I don’t care if you do, Christopher.”

“I know. But I’m still not interested. There’re lots of other kink clubs in the city. If I get bored, I can explore one of those.” He finally pulled his gaze away from my face, not staring at me so intently. “So…are you going to keep working with him?”

I told myself I could do it, that I could see him every day and still hold my head high, but when I spotted him in the hallway or the elevator, my heart fell into my stomach. “I really love my job, and I’m never going to find anything else like it.”

“I guess that’s a yes, then.”

“He asked me to stay because he thinks I’m the best person for the job. He hasn’t mentioned our relationship once while we’ve been at work. It seems to be working well enough. I guess I thought he might try to chase me…but he hasn’t.”

Christopher turned his gaze back to my face. “You sound disappointed.”

“I’m not.”

He gave me that knowing look, like he could see something written on my face. “Can you really not be with him? Or are you just mad at him?”

“What are you asking?” I didn’t have a clue what kind of point he was trying to make.

“I’m asking exactly what I asked. Do you really not want to be with Calloway, or do you just need a break? Two completely different things.”

“No. I can’t be with him.” It was as simple as that.

“Even though you love him?”

“He doesn’t love me, remember?”

“Maybe he doesn’t. But maybe he does.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “What are you saying, Christopher?”

“I don’t know… I know what he did was bad, but I still like him, you know? There’s something about him, something so endearing.”

Obviously. Why else would I have fallen in love with him so quickly? “Yes, he’s very charismatic.”

“I guess I sympathize with the guy because we really aren’t that different.”

“Yes, you are.” Night and day.

“Look, I’m a pig just like him. I like kinky shit and loose chicks. But I know if the right woman came along, I’d cut out all the bullshit and be the man she deserved. Maybe he was part of that lifestyle. That doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

Christopher didn’t know the whole story. “It’s more complicated than that.”

“How?”

“Look, you don’t want to know this stuff, Christopher. I appreciate your concern, but it’s misplaced.”

“Why would I ask if I didn’t want to know?” he asked.

“Because it’s personal stuff. I don’t want to know about your lady friends.”

“Yeah, because that’s all sex. What you had with Calloway was different. So, talk to me.” He snapped his fingers. “I’m all ears, no judgments. I’m not gonna throw up or tease you about anything.”

I knew he meant well, so I went for it. “Not only is it a problem that Calloway lied to me. But he doesn’t want to give up what he does.”

His eyebrows furrowed, unsure what I meant. “Which is?”

“He wants to be my Dom. That’s what he’s wanted from the beginning. He said he wanted to break me in before he pushed me that far. That’s why he didn’t tell me the truth for so long—afraid of scaring me off.”

“Oh…” Christopher nodded in understanding.

“And I want nothing to do with that lifestyle. It’s not who I am or what I stand for. I don’t want a man who needs to smack me around to get off.”

He nodded again. “And he’s unwilling to walk away?”

“He says it’s who he is—and he’s not gonna change.”

Christopher’s eyes moved to the floor, his melancholy increasing. “I would believe that, but some parts aren’t adding up… Why would he be with you for six months, giving up that lifestyle, if he couldn’t give it up forever?”

The idea had been sitting in the back of my mind for a long time. I didn’t want to think about it because it hurt too much. The truth was enough to finally break me down, to make me convulse with agony. “Because he never gave it up. All those nights when he was there and I was here… Who knows what he was really doing.”

“I asked him about that. He said he was always faithful to you.”

“But how can we really believe him?” I whispered. “I don’t think we can.”

Christopher fell silent, caressing his knuckles. “You knew him better than I did, but he seems like a pretty loyal man.”

“No, I didn’t know him better than you did.” I didn’t know him at all.

* * *

As the week passed, working with him every day got easier. I really didn’t see him that often. There were days when I didn’t even hear his name. I stayed inside my office and took care of my work, and a lot of the time, I was out in the city doing research. I was surveying different communities of the homeless, determining which group needed what kind of care. Those afternoons when I was outside were the best.

It was the only time I didn’t think about him.

Calloway had already approved my budget for the next six months, but I had to decide how it would be allocated. As time passed, different needs arose. I couldn’t predict everything so far in advance. Unfortunately, a terrible flu had swept through, and a lot of homeless people died because they weren’t given the care they needed.

Therefore, funds needed to be moved to vaccinations.

It wasn’t built into my budget report. So I needed to ask for an approval of a higher budget, or I’d have to take away different expenses, which I wanted to avoid. It wasn’t easy to take away food and warm clothing when those things were just as essential as medicine.

Instead of talking to him face-to-face, I emailed Calloway. Just seeing his name in the address field sent my heart into my stomach. I was so disappointed in him for how much he’d hurt me and because he wasn’t willing to fight to get me back. Perhaps if he gave up Ruin and the dirty shit he was into, we could work it out. But he’d made it clear he wouldn’t change his mind. Good sex took precedence over sensual lovemaking.

That probably hurt most of all.

His assistant called my office phone. “Mr. Owens would like to see you in his office.”

My blood ran cold. I knew it was about the email I’d just sent out. It wasn’t thorough enough, and he wanted to question me. So far, he hadn’t mentioned our relationship while we were at work together, so I assumed I was probably safe. But being alone in his office would still be tense. “I’ll be right there.”

I walked down the hallway and past his assistant’s desk as I headed to the enormous black doors. When I touched the knob, the metal felt ice-cold, just like his crystal blue eyes. I took a deep breath before I walked inside, finding him sitting behind his desk with his eyes on his screen. Normally, he was at the front of the room, close enough to touch me.

I walked inside and took a seat in one of the armchairs, trying to forget the way he’d held me in here just a few weeks earlier. He’d asked me to join him on a Saturday afternoon for a surprise, to meet his mother in an assisted-living facility. Our relationship seemed so tender, built on trust and so much more. And now we were strangers. “Did you want to talk about my request?”

“Yes.” He closed out of whatever window he was looking at on his computer screen. He finally looked at me, showing no emotion other than indifference. He hadn’t shaved in days, and his stubble had grown into a short beard. His blue eyes didn’t seem as bright, like a cloud obscured their natural brilliance. When he looked at me, there was nothing there—just painful acceptance. “I’ve done some digging, and I haven’t found any reports about the epidemic you’re referring to.”

“The news stations aren’t reporting it. It’s not something the general public cares about.” Homeless people were at the bottom of the barrel, even if a lot of them were war veterans.

“Then how did you come across it?” He tilted his head slightly, one hand resting on the desk. His knuckles were chiseled, and his veins were corded. He had the most masculine hands I’d ever seen. I missed the way they used to touch me.

“I know my city, Mr. Owens. I know my people.”

He sighed in frustration, like I’d said something that upset him. “Don’t call me that unless we’re in public.”

I didn’t understand why his name was so offensive, but I didn’t ask.

“If your information is true, then this is our priority. But I’m going to need to see some evidence.”

“How?”

“Show me.”

He wanted me to take him to the different gatherings of the homeless, the ones under the bridges, the ones at the east side of the park, and all the smaller communities scattered across the city. Just him and me. “Sure. Let me know when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready now.” He rose from his chair, coming to his full height. With an expensive watch on his wrist and the black ring on his right hand, he looked like my deepest fantasy. With long legs and powerful arms, he was scorching in his suit. He always made me feel safe even when I didn’t need protection.

I got lost in my thoughts and quickly shook it off, not wanting to make it obvious I was remembering all the nights we’d gotten naked together in his bed. I could feel the way his teeth nicked against my neck when he kissed me, if I closed my eyes and pictured it hard enough. “Do you want me to bring along anyone else?” So we won’t be alone together?

“Your call.” He straightened his suit and headed for the door, staying at least five feet away from me. “But make it quick. I have a lot of work to do.”

* * *

I hadn’t spent this much time with Calloway since we went our separate ways. We took cabs to different parts of the city, and once we approached the homeless communities, Calloway knew my information was accurate.

Without taking swabs or running labs, it was obvious the flu had spread to nearly everyone. They were already outside in the cold all day long, so their chances of fighting off the illness were minimal.

When we approached a group, Calloway took the lead and spoke to the men and women as equals, looking them in the eye and even shaking their hands. He pulled out all the cash he had and handed it off to a war veteran who had lost his leg. Like possessions meant nothing to him, he gave everything away.

That was the man I’d fallen in love with.

He kept one eye on me the entire time, coming back to my side when the men stared at me a moment longer than they should. I wasn’t afraid in the least, but Calloway’s protectiveness would never die.

“I think we’re done here.” Calloway came to my side, and his arm immediately wrapped around my waist.

I stilled at the touch.

“Let’s get a cab,” he said into my ear. “Come on.”

I moved with him but still felt uneasy with his hand on me. It was warm and soothing, carrying memories of beautiful nights. But it was also painful, full of affection that I could never receive freely.

He waved down a cab and got me inside before he scooted into the seat beside me. He gave the address to the office, and the cab drove off. The sun had nearly set, and night descended on New York City. Calloway stared out the window the entire drive back, not explaining our sudden departure.

“What’s wrong?”

“One of the men wouldn’t stop looking at you. Made me uncomfortable.”

“They wouldn’t hurt me.”

He turned his gaze on me, his look cold and unforgiving. “You don’t know that, Rome. Never make that assumption. Just because they’re poor and hungry doesn’t mean they’re saints. Don’t make that mistake again.” He looked out the window, dismissing the conversation.

“I can take care of myself, Calloway.” I’d been doing it for a long time before he came along. I would do just fine without him. I’d lived on the streets, begged for food, and had a life just as hard as his. I saw the good in people because I knew it was there—along with all the bad.

He didn’t look at me again. “I never said you couldn’t.”

“You implied it.”

“I’m just giving you a lesson.” He finally turned back to me, his jaw clenched. “By now, I would assume you’ve figured out that not all men are as they appear.” His meaning was just as clear as crystal.

“I guess I’m a slow learner.”

* * *

When we returned to the office, everyone had already left for the day. The lights were off, and the monitors were black. I went to my office and grabbed my things, pissed that Calloway had the nerve to say that to me—like he was the one who’d been wronged.

I hated him.

But I still loved him.

And that made me hate him more.

I darted to the elevator as quickly as I could, determined to get out of there so I wouldn’t have to see his obnoxiously handsome face.

But he was already there—waiting for me. He hit the button, and the doors opened.

I hoped this wouldn’t become a habit.

We got inside, and the elevator began its descent all the way down to the bottom floor.

I gripped the strap of my purse so tightly the skin of my palm turned red. I pretended this breakup didn’t wound me as much as it did, but my anger just proved how devastated I was inside. I wanted more than an apology from him. I wanted more than he could possibly give.

“I’m sorry I let my anger get to me back there.” His words broke the tension, slicing through it like a knife. “I haven’t been myself lately. I haven’t slept since…you left me.”

His apology just made me angrier. “Poor thing, I made you lose sleep? It’s not like I lost anything…” Bitterness escaped in my voice, thinking about all the things he took from me. Not only my virginity, but he made me believe in love and trust. Then he shattered them like some cruel joke.

He turned his head my way, the elevator still descending. “Everything I felt for you was real. It still is, Rome. You have no idea how much I miss you. You have no idea how much I hate that bed now that you aren’t in it. Before you, I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping with anyone, and now, I can’t sleep without you.”

His confession tugged at my heartstrings, but I still didn’t cave. “I’m sure you slept with all those subs at Ruin just fine…”

He slammed the STOP button with his face, bringing the elevator to an immediate halt.

“What the hell are you—”

He cornered me against the back wall, his arms pressed against the metal on either side of me so I couldn’t hit the elevator buttons. “You are the only woman in my life, Rome. When I was at Ruin, I was in the office doing payroll, inventory, schedules, and other shit just as boring. Not once did I lay a hand on anyone else. I can accept you walking away, but I can’t accept you believing that bullshit. Do you understand me?”

I kept my hands to my sides, seeing those smooth lips that I used to kiss over and over.

“Vanilla, do you understand me?” His hand moved around my neck, and he squeezed me gently, his fingertips pulsing against my skin.

“Don’t call me that.”

“I’ll call you whatever the hell I want. Now, answer me.”

“I don’t know what to think, Calloway.”

He pressed his face closer to mine. “If I’d fucked someone else, I would tell you. I have nothing to hide. You know I own Ruin, and I feel no shame in that partnership. You were my whole world when we were together. Why would I look at the moon, when I have all the fucking stars right in front of me?” He finally released my neck but didn’t step back. He kept me boxed in, away from the elevator buttons.

I believed him. He gave me no evidence of his claims, but I didn’t need any more convincing. When he was this passionate, this angry, I knew he was being honest. “Okay.”

“Okay, what?” he snarled.

“I believe you.”

He finally stepped back, but he looked just as angry as when the conversation started. He slammed his hand onto the green button so the elevator would start back up. He leaned against the wall, not looking at me. He crossed his powerful arms over his chest as the hum of the elevator came back to life.

I remained in my spot, hardly breathing because so much electricity ran through my veins. The chemistry was exactly the same, unbelievably scorching. I felt my fingertips and toes burn from the heat.

He sighed then looked up at the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. “Sweetheart, it would be different with me… I would never hurt you.”

I didn’t expect him to fight for me. It was the first time he’d mentioned anything since we went our separate ways. A part of me was glad to see his unkempt beard and the exhaustion in his eyes. It made me feel important, that our relationship really did mean something to him. I could have sworn he loved me, with all those kisses and heated looks, but then I found out the terrible truth. I feared I didn’t matter to him, that while I was madly in love with him, I was just some woman he would forget about. “You know I can’t do it, Calloway.”

“You trust me.”

“I did trust you. Not anymore.”

He kept his eyes on me. “I’m the same man you fell for. Nothing has changed. Just give me a chance.”

“I don’t want to be your sub, Calloway. I want to be your girlfriend—nothing else.”

His eyes darkened, his thoughts unreadable.

“That’s nonnegotiable.”

“Are you saying you would take me back on those terms?”

I avoided his gaze, surprised by the question. “I don’t know…”

“Rome, is that what you’re saying?” he repeated. “You would be with me again if I made this sacrifice?”

“I never said that. I’m just saying—”

“Then what the fuck are you saying, Rome? Because I need to know this goddamn information.” He came back to me, standing in front of me with his arms by his sides. The elevator finally came to a stop, and the doors opened, revealing an empty lobby.

My body responded to his like it usually did, making my stomach ache and my heart weep with longing. “It doesn’t matter what I said. You aren’t going to change. You made that perfectly clear. And I’m not gonna change either. I want marriage, kids, a goddamn white picket fence and to be so madly in love that people want to vomit when they look at us.” I didn’t care if he judged me for being a hopeless romantic. I didn’t care if he thought I was like every other woman in the world who wanted a Prince Charming.

His hand moved to my cheek, this thumb brushing over my bottom lip. His eyes were glued to mine, his gentleness coming out of nowhere. “Would you want all of that with me?”

The air left my lungs at the question. “I told you I loved you, didn’t I?”

His thumb paused at the corner of my mouth. “Then your answer is yes. You would give me another chance?”

“Would you really give up your…preferences?” I knew what his answer would be before he gave it.

He lowered his hand and stepped back, not answering the question at all. The elevator doors began to close, so he held them open with his arm. He gave me a nod, telling me to walk out first.

I hid my disappointment when he didn’t reconsider. I wanted to burst into tears because I felt rejected all over again. He wanted me, but not enough. He’d rather have a new woman in his life, one who would take a whip and like it. It was better than trying to make it work with me, to having vanilla sex every night with a woman who actually cared about him. I headed straight for the doors with my head held high. He’d just wounded me all over again, but like last time, I wouldn’t let it show.

I refused to let it show.

“Rome.” Calloway caught up to me on the sidewalk, his hand moving to my upper arm.

I twisted out of the hold. “Don’t touch me.”

He pulled his hand away, the hurt in his eyes.

“Good night, Calloway.” I veered to the left even though it was in the opposite direction of my apartment. If I had to loop around on a different block, that was still better than moving around him. Without turning around, I could feel his gaze pierce into my back. He watched me walk out of his life once again.