Chapter 28 (Jackson)
I'm running through the city streets like a madman and screaming Lilly's name...wishing everything was different.
I never once regretted killing him.
I never once regretted taking his life...never had a single ounce of remorse for being a murderer.
I never thought I would.
I never had a reason to.
My soul feels like it's split right down the middle.
Half of it belongs to Lilly- I know that even in the afterlife...we're tied together and our bond will never be broken.
The other half of my soul belongs to Alyssa.
The rest of me is stuck in turmoil because I don't know how to process this new feeling and I don't think I can handle what it must mean. Because if it means, what I think it means...I don't think I can live with myself.
I reach my apartment...at least, I think I do. I'm a complete mess. I don't know how I'm functioning or taking in air.
I must be worse off than I thought because when Lou-Lou finds me on the floor in the lobby. She freaks the fuck out, picks up her phone and dials Tyrone. “I don't know, Tyrone. He just keeps screaming for Lilly. Get your ass down here!” she yells into the phone.
Less than a minute later Tyrone's helping me up the steps. He tells me that it's going to be okay. He also mumbles something about him calling Momma and her taking the next flight out here.
I'm too far gone to be embarrassed by being such a wuss at this point.
He sits me down on the couch and pats my back. “Jackson, please talk to me. I know you hate talking. But right now you're really scaring the fucking shit out of me.”
I feel some wet shit on my face and I can't stop myself from screaming Lilly's name again.
I keep imagining what it would be like if she was still here now....living. She would be gearing up for graduation, probably valedictorian because she was so fucking smart...and I would be so proud of her. I would tell her how proud of her I was.
I'd sneak into her first courtroom case and cheer for her in the background. I'd probably be fighting the urge to punch the judge if he ever dared to rule against her. But, I'd make her hot chocolate with cinnamon and whipped cream if she lost the case.
I close my eyes…the wet stuff on my face is getting worse, and my thoughts are firing off like a cannon.
Maybe, she'd be an aunt now. I always wanted to have a family. My kids would adore her...I know they would. She would be the best aunt in the entire world.
Lilly would have liked Alyssa. She would have been concerned at first, like the good sister she was; but I know she ultimately would have ended up loving her, just like I do.
The reality slams into me like a blazing wildfire.
I'll never have any of that now. And neither will she.
There's no graduation, no first courtroom case, no hot chocolate, no family, and no Alyssa.
Because Lilly's tiny body is dead on the floor beside the couch. Her pink nails have blood caked under them...because she fought like hell. Just like her big brother would have wanted her to.
But she lost her fight. Because I didn't protect her like a big brother should.
But I got vengeance for her.
I murdered that son-of-a-bitch for killing my baby sister.
So, how could I have a moment of regret?
I wipe the tears off my face and look at Tyrone. “If I love Alyssa...it will mean that I love Lilly less. It will mean that I accept Lilly's death and that in the end, I'm okay with what happened to her because I had a moment of regret for murdering Mike when Alyssa told me she loved me.”
He looks confused but I continue, “So you see, I can't love Alyssa because I can't not love Lilly. If I love Alyssa, then I have to regret both loving Lilly in the first place because I have to be fine with her death and regret killing him.”
Tyrone shakes his head. “I'm not following you. Did you tell Alyssa the truth about everything?”
I lean forward and put my head in my hands. “No. But let's just say that I'm certain she'll want nothing to do with me if she ever finds out.”
He scowls. “You don't know that, Jackson. There are extenuating circumstances and you know it. Again, I think you're not giving her the benefit of the doubt here and just assuming—”
“Her father was murdered. I can't go into any more detail about it because it's not my place, but her father was murdered when she was a kid. Let's just say that she has a very set in stone outlook when it comes to murder in general. Trust me.”
He stands up and runs a hand along his jaw. “It's not always black and white or cut and dry.” I open my mouth to tell him that for her it is, but he cuts me off. “And I think that if you told her, not only would she see that...but you would as well.” He holds up a finger. “However, we have a few more things to work out before we come back to that. Starting with you and your feelings. First, I do think you need to accept Lilly's death. It doesn't mean that you loved her any less and it sure as heck doesn't make you a bad brother for accepting it. It simply means that you are aware that her death happened, that you processed it.” He sighs. “And you need to process it, Jackson...because she's not coming back. No matter how many people you beat up in that cage or how much you blame yourself—it will never bring her back. Her life is over...but yours doesn't have to be. She wouldn't want that...she would want you to go on living. You know I'm right, brother.”
I nod my head softly and he continues, “Which brings me to Alyssa. Now, you said before that you can't love her because you felt this moment of regret about killing him.”
“Yeah. I've never had that feeling before. I don't know how to explain it. But, I know I don't regret getting vengeance for Lilly. So I don't understand how I had this moment of regret because—” I pause because my heads going around in circles right now and I don't know how to sort out my thoughts.
Tyrone looks at me. “It's because Alyssa loves you...but you don't think that she can because, in your eyes, she doesn't know who you really are. And because you love her and you hate the thought of losing her you wish that you were different. You wish that you were who she thinks you are...correct?”
I think about this for a moment before replying, “Yeah, sounds about right.”
He smiles. “Well, you're wrong.”
Now I'm completely confused. “But you just said—”
He cuts me off. “I said that in your eyes she doesn't know who you really are.”
“I don't know where you're going with this, Tyrone.”
“You don't have regret about killing Mike and getting vengeance. You regret who you think you are. Your own self-identity is tied to being a murderer and all that it entails.”
He looks me in the eyes. “You're a good person, Jackson. You're the most loyal person I've ever met. You will fight to the end of this earth and back again for those you love. There's not a thing you won't do for us. Momma's right when she says that you have an incredible heart that's incomparable to others because you lead with it. Your heart is who you are and it's one hell of a good heart. And you know what that means? It means that Alyssa already knows who you are on the inside. You shouldn't wish to be anyone else because it's your heart and you who she loves.”
“But I'm a murderer.”
“And that brings me to the next point we need to sort out in that head of yours. Remember what I said about it not always being so black and white or cut and dry?”
I nod my head again.
He takes a deep breath. “Would you call a soldier a bad person? Would you think of them as a murderer or a killer?”
“Absolutely not. They're heroes who are defending and protecting others.”
He nods. “You're right. They are and they do.”
“You've lost me again, Tyrone. Because if you're insinuating that I'm some sort of hero...you're wrong. Heroes save people. So, what is it that you're saying?”
“What I'm saying is that it's not always mutually exclusive. There are exceptions to every good thing and every bad thing. Think about it...if a person donates a shit-load of money to a charity, we automatically assume that it makes them a good person.” He pauses. “But, if you find out that they only donated to the charity to claim it on their taxes and not from the goodness of their heart. That changes your perception about them a little, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Now, what if a person murders someone? We automatically assume that it makes them a bad person. But, what if you found out that this killer had walked in to find their little sister whom he loved more than life itself brutally murdered?” He draws in a breath. “And in the very same moment, his best friend whom he trusted, walked out and admitted to killing his baby sister. Which in turn, caused him to black out in a rage that ended in murder. Wouldn't that change your perception about this killer?”
“Yeah.”
He gives me a hug. “Let Alyssa decide for herself what her perception of you is. Let her show you that she knows exactly who it is she's giving her heart to. Have some faith and trust in the girl.”
I hug him back. “Thanks, Tyrone. I really don't know how I would have figured that all out by myself. I owe you.”
“So, you're going to tell her?”
“No. I'm gonna do more than that.”
He raises an eyebrow. “How?”
“You still have that camcorder?”
His stares at me wide-eyed. “You sure about this, man? I mean, there's putting your trust in someone and then there's putting your trust in someone. She could do anything with that confession, Jackson. In the wrong hands, you could end up right back in jail. And if that happens, dropping the soap will be the least of your worries, brother. DeLuca will have you killed in jail for outing him about staging the cover up.”
“You said to have some faith and trust in her, right?”
***
An hour later I find myself making my way to Alyssa's apartment.
I'm choosing to tell her about what happened on video because, in some way, I'm trying to show her just how much I love her.
I know that the sex tape ruined her life. It left her vulnerable, naked, exposed and judged for the whole entire world to see.
Although this is a different circumstance entirely, this video very much leaves me vulnerable, naked, exposed and open to her judgment.
There's no way to match her love and give her every part of me if she doesn't know my past and what I've done.
Alyssa's video never changed my opinion about her. It only made me fall for her more.
I guess in some way, I'm hoping that she feels the same about me after she watches mine.
I knock on her door with an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach. On one hand, I'm more nervous than I've ever been in my life. On the other hand, it feels like a giant weight is being lifted off my shoulders.
She opens the door after the second knock and looks up at me.
I shove the disk in her hand. “I need you to watch this. It's everything important you need to know about me.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but I guess the look I give her stops her. Instead, she gives me a small nod before closing the door.
I hear her rummaging around briefly on the other side of the door.
Then I hear the words that will change everything.
“My name is Jackson Reid. There are two things you need to know about me. The first—is that I'm in love with Alyssa Tanner. The second—is that I'm a murderer.”
With my heart completely in her hands, I walk away.