Chapter 32 (Alyssa)
“Ex-wife,” she informs me. “Well, thanks to you.”
“I'm sorry.”
She frowns and begins setting up the supplies to start my IV. “Save it. You can't apologize for ruining someone's marriage, it's unforgivable.”
Jackson points a finger at her. “Look, if you think I'm letting you stick a needle in her arm after you've just verbally attacked her, think again. I want another nurse.”
“Jackson, give us a minute.”
When he begins to protest, I add, “Please.”
He kisses my forehead. “I'll be right outside that door.” He looks at Penelope. “And so will my Momma.”
I sit up in bed and look at Penelope. “You're right. I can't ever apologize for something like that. It is unforgivable. But I will tell you that I'm not proud of myself. And I will tell you that woman to woman, I'm the lowest of the low and I'm ashamed of myself for that.”
Her cold demeanor shifts a little and she takes a deep breath. “It wasn't all your fault.” She closes her eyes. “In fact, I'd say that a lot of it wasn't your fault. Especially when it started.”
She wipes a tear from her eye and looks down. “I don't think you were really old enough to make the adult decision to be involved with a married man back then...were you?”
“I- um,” I stall, because being an actual adult now, I'm not entirely sure.
“I mean, what were you, like 16?”
I fidget with my hands. “It was within hours of 17th birthday. I begged him to see me for my birthday, though. Let's just say that I was with him when the clock struck 12. I felt like Cinderella at that moment. But looking back now, it was never a fairytale. It was a nightmare.”
I look her in the eyes and hold out my arm. “But that's still no excuse for my part in hurting you, because I didn't stay 17 forever, Penelope. And although I only had actual sex with him once and hated myself right after. I still wanted it beforehand...and I was 21 years old when it happened.”
Another tear falls down her cheek as she puts the tourniquet on and inserts the needle.
“And if I'm really being honest, Ford and I always had an inappropriate relationship. I should have kicked him out of my life a lot sooner than I did. I was too codependent on him...and it was toxic. He was toxic.”
She sniffles and I wish I could hug her. I hate that he took down another woman. And I hate that I played a part in it.
She reaches for a tissue and wipes her face. “He is. I realize that now. I think I finally got it when our divorce was finalized a little over three months ago. After I discovered everything about the two of you. But he has this way about him, you know? And it's more than just his good looks...it's this way he has of just sucking you in. He tells you what you want to hear. Then he fucks up, you call him on it, and he apologizes and treats you like you're the most important thing in the world again. Until you're not anymore. It's a never ending cycle. Sometimes all in the same night.”
She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “And this whole time...you know he's just working his magic. You know he's altering your psyche in some way that you can't explain. But every time you reach to turn that light on...and you get that much closer to realizing it. Bam...he's onto you...and he's ready to strike again and lure you into his trap. The worst part is, you don't even realize how much damage he's caused until it's too late.”
I nod my head, knowing all too well what she means. “He's a master manipulator. He's the human version of snake oil. Pretty package, and he'll sell you anything you want...but in the end...you realize that the real snake was him.”
“Yeah, that sums it up perfectly. Look, I'm sorry for calling you a whore. I'm a 34-year-old woman. No matter how upset I am, it doesn't give me a right to slut-shame another female. And I should have left him a long time ago. Hell, I should have figured it out right when you called that night. I was so excited to get married to him, though. I thought we would have the picture perfect life. The nurse and FBI agent and our 2.5 beautiful children.”
I reach for her hand and she lets me. “Hey. It's not too late to have that. You're nice, sweet, accomplished, and 34 is still young. I would call you beautiful but I'm afraid you would think I'm conceited.”
She laughs and I feel a weight lift off my chest. “It is a little strange, huh? I mean, even with the dark hair you have now, we still look a lot alike. Obviously, you're younger and your tits don't sag quite like mine yet...but being in the same room with you is like being in the twilight zone.”
I think back to all those times when I wished that I was the one Ford chose instead of her.
Oddly enough, I feel relieved because this is like a glimpse into the future of what it would have been like. There's no doubt in my mind now that he would have done the same thing to me and I would have ended up heartbroken like Penelope.
I give her a small smile. “Well, Ford might be the world's biggest asshole, but at least he has good taste.” I look down. “And your tits don't sag. You're still rocking it. I can only hope to look as good as you do when I'm 34.”
Then she does something that I definitely wasn't expecting. She pulls me in for a hug. “I didn't like you when I first walked in here. But now, I'm really glad we had this conversation.”
I hug her tighter and I feel the tears start falling. “Me too. And for the record, I really am sorry. I wish I could take it all back and I wish you never got hurt in any of this.”
She pulls away and pats my cheek. “Me too...but I also see now that I wasn't the only one who got hurt. Take care of yourself, Alyssa. Despite what I thought earlier, you're a good person. A good woman.”
“Uh. Everything okay here?” Jackson questions, his eyes darting back and forth between us cautiously.
Penelope squeezes my hand. “Yeah, everything's okay. You got a good girl, here. Take care of her.” She looks at me. “Maybe one day I'll find my own handsome knight in shining armor like you have.”
“I hope so. Because you deserve that, Penelope.”
She wipes her eyes and heads for the door. “I'll be back to check on you in a little while.”
Jackson stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say right now.”
“That makes two of us. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I met her. I'm happy I got a chance to have that conversation with her.”
“It's fucking weird how much you look alike, though, huh?”
“Can you blame the man for having good taste?”
He walks over to me and puts his arms around me. He looks like he's about to say something, but Tyrone, Ricardo, and Momma walk into the room.
Ricardo whistles. “Did you guys see that smokin' hot nurse walking down the hall.”
Jackson grunts but I put a hand on his arm. “You should get her number, Ricardo. I happen to know for a fact that she's single.” He looks excited, until I add. “However, she's not a 'hit it and quit it'. So if you pursue her you better be serious. She's been through enough.”
“Nah. I already learned my lesson when it comes to broken and damaged girls.”
Jackson and Tyrone look at him but he averts his gaze and rubs his neck. “I'll meet you guys in the car.”
“I knew he had it bad for Lou-Lou but damn,” Tyrone declares after Ricardo walks out.
“There's definitely a story there,” Momma says. “Poor guy is all kinds of hurtin'.”
Jackson nods but turns to look at me. “I'm gonna ask Shane to bring some of your clothes to my apartment, okay?”
“Are you sure? I really don't want to impose.”
He lifts my chin. “Alyssa, I take care of what's mine and what I love. Don't you ever forget that.”
***
Almost a week later I'm feeling much better, but since I'm just getting my appetite back, Momma says I'm still not allowed to live at my bar. Those were her words, not mine.
Jackson has been nothing but attentive and caring. He's held me through the night, brought me tissues and magazines, rubbed my feet, and brought me a hot bowl of Momma's soup every hour on the hour, even when I could only stomach a few small bites.
He never once made me feel like I was imposing on him and his life. In fact, every time I tried to go back home, he'd sic Momma on me. I learned very quickly that Momma's not a person you want to argue with because I'd be sure to lose every time.
I turn over in the bed and watch Jackson as he sleeps. The mid-morning sun is peeking in through the corner of the curtain giving me just enough light to be able to enjoy the visual of his beautifully sculpted body.
Nothing puts a damper on a couple's sex life like being sick. Needless to say, Jackson and I haven't been able to enjoy one another in that capacity.
But seeing as I'm feeling almost good as new now. I'm thinking it might be time to indulge a little.
I brush my lips against the sexy stubble grazing his jaw before making my way down his neck.
When I look up I notice that Jackson's eyes are still closed, but the boyish lopsided grin on his face tells me that he's very much awake.
I kiss his chest and continue down lower. I run my tongue along both sides of the V of his lower abs and I hear him let out a low groan.
That deep groan of his only fuels me on. When I slip my head beneath the sheet, I see just how much he's awake. I lick the small drop of precome that I see on the fabric of his boxers. Deciding to tease him a little, I place my mouth over the material covering his erection and suck. I find the opening of his boxers and flick my tongue against it, needing to taste him.
Jackson lets out a curse and raises his hips. I eagerly repeat the movement and he reaches down and twirls my hair around his hand before looking down at me. “Are you sure, baby? I mean, are you feeling good enough for this?”
I nod and pull his boxers down all the way. I open my mouth, but Jackson hauls me back up and lays me across his chest.
I frown, until he cups my face in his hands and searches my eyes. “You're so beautiful it hurts sometimes, did you know that?”
My heart soars...until I think about how I must look right now. My hair is in the messiest of messy buns, my eyes are puffy, and my nose is raw from all the tissues I went through in the past week.
This is not just some smudged mascara and chapped lips. Oh, no. This is me looking like a cross between a zombie and a corpse.
I bury my head into his chest and cover my face with my hands.
“Wow, you really know how to take a compliment,” Jackson says, his voice light with humor.
“I look like I could audition for The Walking Dead right now, Jackson.”
He laughs. “Some of those zombie chicks are pretty hot.”
I take the pillow from my side of the bed and hit him with it.
He wraps me in his arms and I can feel his heart pounding rapidly against my back causing me to lean into him.
He gives my shoulder a kiss. “Remind me never to tell you how beautiful you are right when you're about to wake me up with a blowjob again.”
I turn slightly and raise a brow. “Please, you were definitely awake.”
His gaze turns sultry as his fingers begin grazing my upper thigh underneath my shorts. “Maybe,” he whispers.
I moan as the pad of his thumb skims the edges of my panties. “I can still give you one, Jackson.”
He moves my panties to the side and his pointer finger trails along my outer lips. It takes everything in me not to fall apart and start writhing like a cat in heat. “Rain check,” he whispers. “Because right now, I'm too busy loving how wet you get for me when I'm barely even touching you.”
He traces my slit with his middle finger. “I love that you're soaking my finger and I'm not even inside you yet.” He repeats the teasing motion. “Tell me, baby, how wet are you gonna be for me when I stick my finger in this pretty pussy of yours?”
I'm so worked up I don't care anymore, I grind my ass against his cock and let out a small gasp when he presses his thumb against my clit. “Answer me, Alyssa.”
“Why don't you find out?” I tell him. He doesn't waste another second, he pulls my shorts down and two of his fingers dip inside me. “Fuck, baby. You're drenched.”
I suck in a breath and swerve my backside against his erection again. He nibbles my earlobe. “You trying to tell me that you want something?”
I nod eagerly and he thrusts into me. “Well, if you want me,” he rasps. “Put me inside you.”
Desire strong enough to make me dizzy infuses me as I reach behind me, take him in my hand and slowly proceed to slide him inside me.
He lifts one of my legs and rests it on the outside of his before he begins thrusting inside me. This is the sexiest spooning I've ever been apart of—this position is so intimate.
He reaches around and swirls my clit with his fingers. “Oh fuck, don't stop,” I scream. His pace picks up and a minute later I'm a cursing, twitching mess around him as my orgasm takes hold of me.
“Fuck, I love the way you come all over my dick, baby,” he says. His body tightens, his own breathing is labored and he thrusts into me one last time before I feel the spurt of his release.
He rolls me over until I'm underneath him and kisses my nose. “You're still so beautiful it hurts. Zombie or no zombie.”
I fling my arms around his neck and breathe him in. “I'm in love with you, Jackson Reid. You've ruined me for anyone else.”
He rubs his nose along my jaw. “I'm in love with you. You're my first, my last and my only love, Alyssa Tanner.” He looks up at me and my heart flutters. “I want to grow old with you,” he whispers. “I want to let you win at bingo, I want you to help me find my dentures, and I want to spend the evening watching the sunset with you every night from our two rocking chairs.” He rests his head on my heart and my eyes fill with tears. “And when I die, you'll be my last thought. When my life flashes before my eyes, I'll see nothing but you. Because you already are the very best part of my life.”
“You're mine,” I whisper. “Finding you made all the pain I've ever endured worth living through.”
I run my fingers through his hair. “We'll have those rocking chairs, Jackson. I know we will.”
He wipes the tears from my eyes. “Yeah, baby. We will. I'll find a way to make it happen.”
The end of his statement throws me off a little, but I'm soon distracted by the sound of my phone ringing.
“Hey, Shane. What's up?”
“Look, I know you're still probably sick and I know you're moving soon, but do you think you can work at the bar for a few hours tonight?”
“Of, course. It's the least I can do since you've been so cool with me being out this week. Wait a minute—” I pause, unsure if I understood him right. “What do you mean I'm moving soon? Are you kicking me out?”
Beside me, Jackson sits up in bed and puts his boxers back on.
“Kicking you out?” Shane sputters. “No. I'm talking about you moving in with Jackson, silly.”
I stare at Jackson then, the way he's avoiding my gaze and the guilty expression on his face tells me everything I need to know. “Yeah,” I respond my tone harsher than I intended. “I'll be there at seven.”
“Oh, um. Okay, great. See you then,” Shane responds before he hangs up.
I crinkle my nose and narrow my eyes. “Something you want to tell me?”
Jackson stands up and opens his arms wide. “Surprise, baby.”
I wrap the sheet around me and stand in front of him. “Yeah, I'll say. You know, couples usually discuss moving in with one another. Because both parties have to be in agreement. That's the way a relationship works.”
I open my arms wide, mocking him. “It's not supposed to be 'surprise, baby' I've told your landlord / boss that you're moving. Especially when you haven't even discussed it with your actual girlfriend first!” I shout.
He opens his mouth but I cut him off. “I mean, did you even ask Tyrone about it? Or is he just as in the dark about all this as I am?”
Jackson holds a finger up and opens the door. “Yoo, Tyrone,” he calls out.
I stand there with my mouth open in disbelief.
“Yeah?” Tyrone shouts.
“Is it cool if Alyssa moves in with us?”
“It's cool,” Tyrone answers, before adding. “As long as she cooks every once in awhile.”
Jackson shuts the door and shrugs. “See? Everything's cool.”
I'm so frustrated I begin stomping my feet on the floor like a 2 -year-old. “And what about me? Did you ever think to ask me?”
Jackson scratches the back of his head and pouts. “Are you saying that you don't want to live with me?”
I open my mouth to answer but he walks over to me and scoops me in his arms. “I thought we just told one another exactly how we felt about each other?” He kisses my cheek. “Remember? Rocking chairs? Sunsets?” He kisses my chin. “Best part of my life?” He kisses my neck. “Great morning sex?” He moves lower to my breasts and the sheet falls. “Hot zombies?”
I roll my eyes and let out a giggle. “It's a big step, Jackson. We haven't been together long at all.”
His expression is sad and it pulls on my heartstrings. “Are you saying no?”
I think about this for a moment. I weigh the pros and cons. Pro's being- waking up next to Jackson, his apartment being in a safer area, kissing Jackson, making love to Jackson, falling asleep next to Jackson. The only con I can come up with is that it's a 20-minute walk away from my job. Unless he expects me to stop working there?
“I'm still working at Finnley's,” I tell him.
He looks hopeful. “Of course. I know you like it there. I wouldn't ever expect you to stop. Only now, I'll be walking you home every night. Well, if you want me to that is.”
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?” he repeats. “Okay, like you'll be moving your stuff in soon? Or, okay you're an asshole and I still can't believe you sprung this on me?”
“Yes. I still hate that you sprung this on me, and I hate that it wasn't discussed and there was no romantic gesture or anything, but okay I'll move in with you.”
“Thank you.”
Before I can respond he gets down on one knee. I stare at him wide-eyed. “Whoa, too soon. Way too soon!” I start. “Don't get me wrong, my gut instinct is telling me to say yes, but we can't get married right now. I need time, Jackson! Like a year or two, at least,” I begin babbling a mile a minute.
He stares at me like I'm crazy until he looks down and adjusts his position so he's kneeling down on both knees. “Relax. I wasn't asking you to marry me,” he says. “Not that I won't be asking you to do that at some point in the future,” he quickly says.”But trust me when I do, it will be way more romantic.” He grins. “And it's good to know that you'll say yes.”
“So, what are you doing then?” I ask, half relieved, half nervous.
“Alyssa,” he pauses. “Shit, you never told me your middle name,” he whispers.
“Trust me. You don't want to know my middle name,” I tell him.
“Of course, I want to know your middle name. I would tell you mine but I'm sure you heard Momma shout it last week.”
I bite my bottom lip, wishing I didn't have to tell him.
Jackson stands back up. “What? It can't be that bad. Let me guess, Marie? That's a nice name, baby.”
I shake my head, not wanting to play this game.
He raises an eyebrow playfully. “Is it Gertrude? Can I call you Gerddy for short?”
“It's Ford,” I whisper.
“Huh? What the hell does he have—”
“That's my middle name,” I say, cutting him off. “He was my dad's best friend. When they were kids they made a pact that the first one to have a son would be named after the other one. Ford doesn't have children and since I ended up being a girl, my mom chose the name Alyssa. But my dad still wanted Ford to be my middle name. I'm sorry, Jackson.”
He kisses my hand. “Don't be sorry, Alyssa. I love every part of you. Even the parts I don't always like.” He clears his throat and looks at me. “Alyssa Ford Tanner, would you do me the honor of moving in with me?”
“And Tyrone!” Tyrone shouts from the other side of the door.
“And Tyrone,” he amends.
My face hurts from smiling so hard. “Yes. I would love to,” I say.
I hear Momma and Tyrone cheer from the other side of the door and I can't help but laugh with them. Jackson pulls me into another hug, but I don't miss the strange expression on his face.
“What?” I ask.
He appears to be lost in deep thought before saying, “Your dad really trusted Ford, didn't he?”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Ford's an asshole when it comes to the way he treats women. But that aside, my dad trusted him with his life.”
Jackson nods before kissing my forehead. “I'm gonna take a shower.”
“Want some company?”
He doesn't respond but he pulls me in for a kiss that answers my question.