Chapter 5 (Jackson)
To my astonishment, Alyssa stayed true to her word and ended up going out to lunch with me.
Since I let her pick the place, we're currently sitting at some hole in the wall diner...seated in a corner booth in the far back.
She looks around the restaurant before she tugs her sunglasses off her face and sticks them in her purse.
I can't help but wonder why she's even wearing them in the first place...given that it's raining out and all.
"Being in public bothers you," I say, making it a statement and not a question.
She folds her hands in front of her before she looks me right in the eye. "How long are you going to go on pretending, Jackson?"
I tilt my head to the side. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I really wish you would just tell me, though."
She studies my face for a few moments. "Tell me, Jackson. Do you have a computer?"
I take a sip of my drink. "Yeah, why?"
"Do you watch porn on your computer?"
I nearly choke on my drink. That was certainly the last thing I was expecting to come out of her mouth.I open my mouth to say something, but luckily, the waitress comes to our table to take our order.
After she's gone, I decide to attempt to break up the now awkward silence between us. “So, you're a porn star. That's the big secret?"
She shoots me an icy cold stare. "Not by choice," she mumbles.
"I don't understand," I say, my confusion growing with every moment that passes between us.
She rubs her temples. "Fine. You really want to know me, Jackson? You really want to know everything?"
"Yes. I won't judge you, I promise."
She leans back against the booth. "I went to NYU a few years ago. If you can believe it, I was on track to become a newscaster. It was my dream, ever since I was a little girl." She closes her eyes for a second before she clears her throat and continues. "Anyway, I was a year away from graduating when my mother decided to get remarried. She ended up marrying a Politician. You've probably heard of him before, John Travine."
The name mildly rings a bell. "Yeah, I've heard of him. I don't remember what he ran for, but the name sounds familiar."
"He ran for mayor of New York City 3 years ago," she tells me.
"So, what happened at NYU?"
She looks down nervously before she begins. "Well, like I said. My mother ended up marrying that piece of shit politician." Her jaw hardens and her entire body becomes rigid. "I hate him, Jackson. The way he exploited my family's tragedy in front of the media. The way he turned my own mother against me. He could drop dead tomorrow, and I honestly don't think I would be able to feel one ounce of sympathy for him."
I reach across the table for her hand. "Family tragedy?"
She pulls back her hand with abrupt force, like my hand is made of lava and I'm about to singe her. There's so much pain in her eyes it almost hurts to look at her. "I can't talk about that. Please."
"I won't force you to tell me anything you don't want to, Alyssa."
She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I was doing really well at NYU. I maintained a 4.0 and everything. I was focused on my goals and kept myself out of trouble. Anyway, my stepfather ran for mayor and my mother and I were thrust into the political spotlight and all that comes with it. Like I said, he exploited my family, he used my mother, and..." She pauses and looks at me. "Just trust me when I say that he's not a good guy, Jackson."
Her expression is filled with so much sorrow, it practically sears me straight to the bone.
"I believe you," I tell her.
She gives me a small smile that fades just as quickly as it appears.
"I wanted to get back at him. It was so unbelievably fucked up, but I decided to do something horrible. Something that I knew would piss him off when he found out. Looking back it was absolutely stupid, and it ended up backfiring big time." She shrugs. "But I had just turned 21 at the time and I was still naive in regards to certain things. Not that it excuses what I did, but..."
I lean forward, my curiosity coming to a peak. “What did you do?"
"Well, my roommate was dating Dean Gaffney, Jr at the time," she starts to say before I interrupt her.
"Wait a minute. You don't mean Mayor Gaffney's son, do you?"
"Yes. That's exactly who I'm referring to."
I know whatever she's about to tell me is going to be bad, real bad.
"Fuck, Alyssa. What happened?"
"I decided that I was going to flirt with him. Maybe even hook up with him. I wanted it to get back to my stepdad. And I thought- what better way to make him upset than having him hear that I was involved with his opponents son." Her eyes become glassy. "I know I broke the girl code. I know, I'm the worst kind of female in the world, but I just wanted to make him angry. I didn't care about the repercussions at the time. I wasn't thinking straight, Jackson. I just wanted him out of our lives. I wanted him to leave my mother and me alone and find another family to terrorize."
"No judgment here, Alyssa. We've all done things we never thought we would in the heat of the moment."
Like murdering your best friend for killing your sister.
"So, one night—he showed up at my dorm room. Melody, my roommate wasn't there at the time. She was busy with her study group. He asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. I thought it was the perfect opportunity. During dinner he said all the right things...and we bonded over our mutual dislike of my stepdad. He also thought it was disgusting how he was using what happened to my fath..." she starts to say before she stops herself.
"Anyway, after dinner, we went back to his dorm. His roommate was out for the evening. We had a few drinks and..."
That's when I decide to stop her. "So he got you drunk?"
She shakes her head. "No. I mean, not exactly. It's hard to explain. I was somewhere between being buzzed but not drunk. It was just enough alcohol to lower my inhibitions, but not to the point where I didn't know what I was doing."
Shit. I really hate where this story's going, but I can't bring myself to stop her.
"So, one thing led to another and we started hooking up." She squeezes her eyes shut. "I was still a virgin, Jackson."
I swallow against the lump forming in my throat. "Did he rape you?"
"No." She takes a deep breath. "He only filmed me having sex without my knowledge and put it out on the Internet for the whole entire world to see."
She scrunches up her nose. "The best part was when Melody burst into the room at the exact moment I lost my virginity. I'll never forget what she said. 'Alyssa, you slut.' Which is conveniently the name of the video."
"Jesus, I'm so sorry, Alyssa."
She shrugs. "Don't be. I only did it to myself. I deserved it. I broke the girl code and hooked up with my roommate's boyfriend. I hurt my mother to the point where she disowns me." She snorts. " The only good thing that came out of it was that my stepdad ended up losing the election...most likely because of me. Besides, milking my family's tragedy...his campaign was built around promoting abstinence for the youth and other Christian family values. Needless to say, my sex tape made quite a mockery of his entire campaign."
Damn.
"I can't believe your mom disowned you after that, though. That's horrible."
"Yeah, well my stepdad didn't really give her much of a choice. After he lost, they moved someplace down south. He became mayor of a really small town down there. She's obviously happy, so again...it is what it is."
“Why didn't you press charges against him?” I ask.
She bites her lip. “I couldn't afford a lawyer. My stepfather's campaign was going down the tubes at that point and he was pissed. He refused to help me in any way. Besides, apparently there's some kind of law in New York that basically states that as long as one party knows about it being filmed it's not illegal. And just to cover his tracks, Dean also told authorities that I knew we were filming it. The asshole even said it was my idea in the first place to make a porno, but it wasn't. Also, he and his father had one of the best defense attorneys lined up to represent them in case I pressed charges and went through with the lawsuit. And technically, Dean didn't distribute the tape for money.”
She holds up her hands and makes air quotes. “It got leaked somehow.” She rubs her forehead and sighs. “But mostly, I just didn't want to be in the spotlight anymore, Jackson. That tape ruined my life...I didn't have the strength to stand up in court and have my every move scrutinized.”
We both stare at one another for a few moments. "So, what happened to your father?" I ask at the same time she asks, "Who's Lilly?"
I stare down at my uneaten food. "Lilly was my sister," I whisper.
Sadness sweeps across her face. "Was?"
"Yeah. She's...um. She's dead."
"God, Jackson. I'm so sorry. What happened?"
I look at her. "What happened to your dad?"
"He's...dead."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
She chews on her thumbnail. "No, I really, really don't."
"Me either."
She smiles. "Okay, deal. I won't ask you about Lilly and you won't ask me about my dad."
I breathe a sigh of relief. "Deal."
She takes a bite of her bagel. "So, you should probably know the reason I hate spending the night at places other than my own house is because of what happened. It's made me a little paranoid. I always feel like there's a hidden video camera waiting for me in the shadows somewhere."
I take a bite of my now cold burger. "That's understandable."
"And the reason why I go out and have lots of sex with wholesome 'nerdy guys' is because—” She pauses.”Well, originally it was because they're usually good at hacking computers and making the videos disappear." She sighs. "However, it always pops back up. It's gotten to the point where I've stopped trying to track it down. The Internet really is forever."
"I'm sorry," is all I can manage to say because in all honesty her situation sucks.
She looks down. "And since I'm being so candid with you. I guess I have sex with them as a way of punishing myself."
That's...disturbing.
"Why?"
"Do you have any idea what it's like to have millions of people think of you as nothing but a slut, Jackson?"
"No, I can't say that I do."
"Do you have any idea what it's like to know that millions of people saw you at your most vulnerable moment? Completely exposed, raw, naked. And millions of people are judging you...everywhere you go. I can't go to the supermarket without breaking out in a full on panic attack over the fact that the guy at the checkout counter stares at me for a second too long. I can't get a normal job because everyone knows who I am and knows exactly what I look like giving a freakin' blowjob. Hell, I couldn't even finish school because not only did my stepdad stop paying for my tuition after my little stunt, but I just couldn't take the constant scrutiny from everyone."
She then stares at me with those big, hazel eyes of hers...there's so much agony swirling in them it makes my own heart constrict.
"I don't understand why you punish yourself, though, Alyssa. Haven't you already been through enough?"
"Don't you get it? If I didn't put myself in that position it would have never happened. I have no one to blame my pain on but myself. It's not like I enjoy having sex with all the guys that I do. Trust me, I don't. But, I do it to remind myself of everything that I caused."
Tears threaten to spill down her face, but she lifts her chin instead. "Besides, after enough people call you a worthless slut...you can't help but start to believe it."
"I think what you're doing is wrong," I whisper.
"I thought you weren't going to judge me."
"About your past. I just hate the thought of you continuing to punish yourself for something that you've clearly already suffered the consequences from...and then some. It's no way to go through life."
She takes a sip of her drink. "Noted, now can we change the subject, please."
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"
She gives me a smug smile. "Let's talk about you."
"I thought we made a deal that you wouldn't talk about your dad and I wouldn't talk about Lilly?"
She hikes a shoulder up and takes another bite of her bagel. "Yeah. And that deal is still in full effect. However, I know for a fact that there's got to be more to you than a dead sister."
I narrow my eyes at her. "Sorry," she whispers.
"What do you want to know?" I grit through my teeth.
She appears lost in thought for a second before she answers. "Well, do you have a girlfriend? Or are you just like every other macho fighter and some super male-whore?"
I can't help but laugh. "Wow, look who's judging now."
She purses her lips at me and for a single moment she looks so carefree, it's beautiful. "Hey, the world does nothing but judge me all the time. You have a point, though. I'll try and refrain from making and using judgmental stereotypes in the future."
I give her a smirk. "For your information, I'm not a male-whore."
"So you're in a committed relationship?" She chews on her thumbnail again. "I mean, I didn't see any signs of a female living in your apartment. Is it long distance? What's her name? Will she be mad that I spent the night?"
I roll my eyes. Yeah, news reporter. I can see it clearly now.
"I don't have a girlfriend."
She leans forward. "Oh. So, what about sex?"
Nope...not going there. I can't even imagine what she would think of me if she knew how I got my rocks off.
I remain silent while she continues probing. "You have seen yourself, right? There's no way you're still a virgin."
So she does find me attractive after all. I polish off the rest of my plate and can't help but grin. "I'm not a virgin. Trisha Summer's took care of that when I was 15."
"So, what do you do about sex then?" she whisper-yells.
Since she stopped eating her food and I'm looking for a diversion from this horrible conversation. I reach over her plate and plop one of her grapes in my mouth. "I have it." I pause. "On occasion. But that's as much as you're getting out of me on the subject."
Her nostrils begin flaring, her gaze intense. "Jackson," she says. "I've just admitted the most honest, vulnerable, and embarrassing thing about myself to you. Hell, you can even watch it if you're really curious."
I hold up my hand. "I wouldn't. You have my word."
And I mean it, I have absolutely no desire to watch a video that ruined her life. Something that only added to the emotional scars she's already endured. Something that forced her to put her walls up high, in order to protect herself from the world. So high, she's ensured that no one will be able to get through them.
Why do I suddenly find myself wanting to be the one who makes them come tumbling down?
The intensity in her eyes softens. "That's not the point. The point is, that if we're supposed to be friends...I expect the same amount of truthfulness from you that you expect from me. Now, tell me something heartbreakingly honest about yourself before I reconsider this whole entire friendship for good."
I'm a killer. I murdered my best friend. I don't regret it and I never will.
Instead, what comes out of my mouth is something that not even Tyrone knows about. "About once every 3 months I go to a bdsm club and have sex."
Jesus Christ...I'm a fucking idiot for admitting that to her.
She stares at me wide-eyed. "Like cat-o-nine's and dog collars?"
"No. To be honest—I'm not even into any of the hardcore stuff. I just like having all the control during sex.”
Since it's the only aspect of my life that I can still control.
“I'm not a 'Dom' or anything like that. However, for this particular club membership, which is both really exclusive and expensive. They're good about keeping your identity hidden and you get to wear a mask if you want to...which I do."
She crinkles her forehead. "I have a question."
"Shoot."
"Why go through all that? Why not just fuck Lou-Lou or some other girl who offer themselves to you?"
I decide to be honest with her about my other reason for using the club. "Shit like that gets messy. First off, I don't do relationships. Secondly, women in particular; have a really hard time separating feelings from sex. If I hooked up with some girl like Lou-Lou or another ring girl...well, over time they would start to get attached. Shit, poor Ricardo's having a hell of a time keeping her in line as it is. I also know from watching Tyrone go through the gauntlet with various girls over the years...that it never ends well. The girl always gets hurt...and I don't want to be responsible for doing that if I can help it. This way, I just go in. No names or faces are exchanged. We have our moment...and it's done."
I expect her to yell at me. To tell me I'm a pig and a horrible human being. Instead, she nods her head in understanding. "Why every 3 months?"
That's an easy question to answer at least.
"If you don't show up at the club, once every 3 months your membership gets canceled. And once every 3 months is just enough to scratch the itch so to speak. After, I go back to focusing on training and fighting full-time."
"That makes sense, I guess. How long has it been since you've last gone there?"
I look up at the ceiling, hating how this conversation has shifted focus to me. "A little over a month."
She regards me with another nod. “I don't do relationships either.”
I feel a twinge of uneasiness with her statement and I have no idea why.
“So, how did you get involved with an underground fight club anyway?” she asks. “Granted, I didn't see much, but from what I did manage to see you're really good. Why not go legit?”
Oh, fuck. I have no idea how to answer this without lying to her.
“Just sort of fell into it,” I mumble. “I love MMA fighting, I've studied the craft since I was a kid.” I swallow hard purposely dodging her question the best that I can. “Besides, it pays the bills.”
She leans forward and presses her palms together, studying my face for a beat. “Who owns the club?”
Her question completely catches me off guard and causes me to pause. The seconds blending into minutes.
Why does she want to know?
And technically, shouldn't she already know that it's DeLuca's club? From what I'm told- not just anyone can work at one of his establishments, even the fight club. You either have to know someone or he specifically scouts you out.
But then again, it might be different for the ring girls. Maybe all it takes is good looks and a nice body to get you in the door.
My expression must be one of concern because she coughs and says, “Never mind. Stupid question. Look at me...already breaking rule number one.”
I run a hand along my jaw, focusing on her eyes. Even after today, I don't know much about the girl sitting in front of me, but her magnetic eyes are her tell. I can practically feel every emotion she's experiencing when I look into them.
And right now...she looks nervous. “Are you in some kind of trouble, Alyssa?”
She quickly shakes her head. “No. I mean, why would I be?”
I shrug and lean back against the booth. Her response should put me at ease, but it doesn't. “I have no idea. But if you were, you know you could tell me. Right?”
Fear crosses over her face and before I can stop her...she's hopping out of her seat and running toward the exit.
I quickly track the waitress down and pay the bill before running after her.
When I finally step outside, I find her leaning against the side of the brick building facing the alleyway. She's rubbing her temples and breathing frantically. My chest tightens and I'm struck with the overwhelming feeling of wanting to wrap her in my arms and protect her from the world.
Instead, I gently reach for her arm. “Hey,” I say. “It's okay. I won't let anything hurt you, Alyssa.”
Her eyes spring open in both surprise and fear and she immediately pulls away from my touch. It's almost like she's a frightened animal and can't comprehend that someone would show her an ounce of kindness.
It's utterly heartbreaking.
She pushes off the building and begins walking down the alley. “I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have to go home, now,” she calls out.
I stay a few strides behind her. I'm close enough that I can watch her make it to her car safely, but not so close to cause her to freak out again.
After she reaches her car, she pauses briefly. “Thank you for lunch. I'll find a way to pay you back for it.”
I shake my head. “Absolutely not. In fact, I'm going to make sure you get paid from Luke. He should have never let that happen to you in the first place.”
She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “That's not necessary,” she whispers. “I don't want you getting into any fights on my behalf, but thank you anyway.”
She slips inside her car and puts her key in the ignition.
I jog up to her. “When can I see you again?”
She looks down at the steering wheel. “I don't do relationships, Jackson.” I open my mouth to protest but she stops me. “That includes friendships. I've already let you in so much more than anyone else and I haven't even known you for 24 hours.”
I stuff my hands in my pockets. “Maybe there's a reason for that, Alyssa.”
And there is...I just have no idea what it is yet.
All I know is that I'm so drawn to her.
And it's not just because she's incredibly attractive, either. It's so much more than that. I have this urge to just want to take care of her, and be there for her.
But most of all...I recognize the pain in her soul...because I live with it every day.
She puts the car in reverse and begins backing up. “I'll call you, Jackson,” she says before she rolls up her window.
It's only after she's more than halfway down the block that I realize she never gave me her number...and she doesn't have mine.