I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Did he really think I was so terrible that I would lead him on, on purpose? If that happened, it was purely unintentional. Guys weren’t supposed to act this way. Guys were the ones who flirted and told girls that they liked us. You have one nice night with them, and the next thing you know, they’re on to the next one.

For the most part, football guys just wanted to have sex with as many girls as they could. They conquer one, tell all of their friends, and hunt for the next hot girl. Especially guys like Martin.

“Do you remember when we first met freshman year?” I asked.

“Yeah, it was before school even started. We were both at practice. Why?”

“I told the cheer girls that I thought you were cute. I wanted to talk to you, but I was too shy. They convinced me to write my phone number on a piece of paper and slip it into your locker. Do you remember what happened next?”

“Uh,” he cringed. “I don’t remember.”

“My phone wouldn’t stop ringing. I got dirty texts and voicemails at all hours of the day. I had to change my phone number. Why was that?”

“I’m sorry. Some of the upperclassmen saw it and wanted me to hand it over. I was a freshman and had to prove myself. I was a nobody. I felt bad about it, but thought you’d be okay.”

“I wasn’t. I felt so stupid for thinking I had a chance with you.” I felt my throat getting tight.

“A chance with me? Part of the reason I did it is because I knew that once you got to know me, you would have no interest in me.

Girls like you don’t date guys like me. Everybody knows that. What do you think your parents would say if they saw us together?”

I didn’t want to answer that question.

“I think that’s why I treated you the way I did,” he said. “I wanted you around, but I had to keep you at arms length. It was easier not to want you if I reminded myself that I didn’t have a chance.”

“You can’t say that you liked me all this time,” I interjected. “You dated lots of girls in the past four years. You even dated other cheerleaders.”

“What do you expect?” he laughed. “Was I just supposed to stay celibate because the girl of my dreams was perpetually unavailable?”

The girl of his dreams. I’d heard this line before from other guys, but coming from Martin, it actually sounded genuine.

“If I’m not mistaken,” he said. “You dated plenty of people too.”

“I guess there were a few. But to be honest, I didn’t really have feelings for any of them.”

“Then why did you date them?” he asked, doubtfully.

“I just thought that was what I was supposed to do. A lot of guys asked me out, but I only said yes if I knew they were someone my parents would approve of.

I’m a terrible liar. Every time I talked to my mom, she’d ask me if I was dating someone. I couldn’t date, like, the hipsters that played Frisbee outside of the dining hall and deny it. She would see through my lies instantly.”

He nodded, but I wasn’t sure that he really understood.

“Also, it gets lonely when everyone is coupled up and you’re the only single one. Gia and Sam have been together for ages, and Sasha always had a boyfriend. What was I supposed to do, stay home and knit?”

“I suppose not.”

“Did you love any of the girls you dated?” I asked.

“Not really. I really liked a few, but there was always something missing.”

“They probably liked waking up in the morning, naked and confused,” I said.

“Are you still upset over this?” he asked. “What is it that gives you such mistrust of men?”

I had never talked to anyone about this, besides Sasha. I didn’t know if I wanted to talk about it now, but he could tell that there was something I was hiding.

“What happened?” he coaxed.

“A few years ago, I went to the lacrosse formal with one of the seniors on the team. His parents knew my parents and my mom urged me to go. He was pretty cute, but he was kind of a douche bag. I didn’t drink a lot then, but he kept giving me drink after drink. He kept telling me to go with him to his hotel room.

I didn’t want to go, but it was getting hard to refuse after drinking so much. I wanted him to like me, because I knew my mom would be thrilled.”

“Did you have sex?” Martin asked, with a terrified expression on his face.

“No, but not because he didn’t try. Luckily, the cheer captain was there and saw me trying to push him off of me. She knew he was a creep and called a cab to take me home.”

“Oh my God.” he said, his mouth hanging open.

“So you can understand why it’s upsetting to me when I wake up, not knowing if I had sex or not,” I continued. “I know I shouldn’t drink so much, I should know better by now. I just need to know that if I’m sleeping with someone, it’s because I want to.”

“Of course,” he replied. “I want you to know that I would never dream of hurting you like that”

“Thanks,” I smiled. “That really means a lot to me.”

“Does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?” he asked hopefully.

“No,” I hesitated. “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad because of you.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I think I’ve finally forgiven you for everything from our past. It’s silly for me to keep holding on to this anger for so long. I’m mad because every time I finally feel like I’m over you, I see your stupid face and I’m drawn back to you.”

“Wow, thanks,” he said sarcastically.

“We just aren’t good together. We will always fight about stupid stuff and be too stubborn to work out our problems,” I explained.

“We’re working out stuff now,” he countered.

“Yeah, but it had to take getting locked in a room to do it.”

“You have money, you can hire someone to lock us in,” he said.

I smiled, but I wasn’t sure if I even had money anymore. That was the real problem.

“My family would never accept you. And I’m just not ready to be estranged from the people who raised me and gave me everything.”

“So where does that leave us?” he asked. “If we can’t be together, how do we prevent this from happening again?”

“There’s only a few months left before graduation,” I said. “Can we avoid each other for the rest of our college career? We’ll both move out of here, and never see each other again. All temptation will be gone.”

Just the thought of never seeing him again made me feel empty inside. I didn’t want that, but I didn’t think there were any other realistic options.

“I don’t think so. We have classes together and too many mutual friends. We would both have to stay home alone on the weekends and I’m not willing to do that,” he said.

“I could limit my drinking. A three drink maximum. I’ll give everyone full permission to send me home if I try to drink more. I’m not as handsy when I’m sober.”

“We could be friends with benefits,” he suggested.

“How does that work?” I asked skeptically.

“We can be intimate with each other,” he said slowly, “but we aren’t ‘officially’ dating. We leave romantic feelings out of it.”

I wasn’t sure I could do that. Not because I didn’t want to have sex with Martin, but because I don’t think I could detach myself emotionally if we did.

“I’ve never heard of one instance where it worked out for both people,” I said.

“We could try,” he said, inching toward me.

“I’ll try,” I said after a moment of hesitation, “as long as you promise that you won’t fall in love with me.”

“Deal,” he said, placing his hand on mine. “You have to promise that you won’t fall in love with me, either.”

I laughed. “I promise.”

We kissed and I wrapped my arms tight around his neck. I gently pulled his short hair between my fingers. He pulled me in close to him, his arms wound around my waist. We broke apart, caught our breath and looked each other in the eyes. We both knew we were about to find out if the benefits were worth it.