Ten Years Later

I swung my little niece, Emma, way up high in the air. She giggled and threw her arms around my neck.

“Okay, honey, that was the last one,” I told her. When I put her back down on the ground, she clung to my legs.

“You’re really good with her, you know,” my sister, Mona, told me. We were walking together around the park. It was our usual Sunday morning tradition.

“Leave Aunty Elsie alone, Emma!” Mona scolded her four-year old. She finally peeled herself off me and ran ahead of us. I watched her with a smile on my face.

“She’s growing up so fast! It seems like just yesterday she was in the hospital, a little new born in my arms with no hair.” I threw an arm around my older sister.

Mona laughed.

“No hair and no attitude either. You should see the fuss she throws up when it’s time to go to bed,” Mona complained good-heartedly.

“When does that change in our lives? From when you’re getting too much sleep to when you’re not getting enough,” I remarked and Mona looked at me as we walked.

“When was the last time you got a full eight hours?” she asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

“Eight hours is a luxury. Besides, I can survive on five,” I replied, and my sister nudged me with her elbow. She had a habit of doing that when she was displeased about something.

“Elsie, you’re working too hard. You’re going to make yourself sick!” Mona complained. I kept my eyes averted from her. I knew she was right, but this project was important to me.

“Another few months and things will be under control,” I told her.

“That’s what you said two years ago. This job is wearing you down!”

“It’s the best job I’ve had. I can rest when I retire,” I snapped back.

Retirement. That was several decades away. I was twenty-eight, my life was just beginning. There was so much work to do, so many things I wanted to achieve in my life.

Working for The Camphill Foundation was the most fulfilling job I’d ever had. I wasn’t lying to Mona. I was currently spearheading a nationwide campaign to collect aid and resources to build drinking wells in North Africa. It was good work. It was the kind of work I could be proud of. A few months of sleepless nights was a small price to pay. There were millions of starving and thirsty children in those countries I was trying to help. I had them to think about.

“And what will you have left to show for it?” Mona snapped me out of my thoughts.

“What are you talking about?”

“When you retire. At the end of all this. Elsie, ever since you were a little girl, all you’ve wanted was a family. You’ve wanted to be a mother since forever.”

Mona stopped in her tracks and I had to stop with her.

“Do you think you’ll be happy?” she asked. I could see the intensity in her eyes. I gulped down the fear that was rising in my throat. It wasn’t that I didn’t think about it.

“I’m happy now, isn’t that what matters?” I argued and Mona rolled her eyes.

“What about in ten years? When it’s too late?”

“I’m twenty-eight, Mona! For God’s sakes. I have plenty of time,” I replied. I didn’t want to keep talking about this.

Mona sighed.

“I’m just saying that you should think about slowing down, think about the future…”

“And where am I just supposed to make a family appear from? I haven’t been in a serious relationship…” Mona didn’t let me complete the sentence.

“Because of Jared!” she snapped.

I whipped away from her and marched over to where Emma was playing in the sandbox. Mona trailed behind. She knew I didn’t like to talk about him. I didn’t even want his name mentioned. I hated being reminded of him.

I played with Emma, helping her build a silly castle in the sand. I could sense Mona standing behind us and watching me. Did she pity me?

I didn’t need to be pitied. I was doing just fine! I couldn’t stand the fact that she thought she knew what I needed.

“Okay, honey, it’s time to go. Daddy’s going to be waiting to have lunch with us.” Mona came over to us after a few minutes, lifting Emma up in her arms.

She looked at me, her face covered in guilt and apology.

“You sure you don’t want to have lunch with us?” she asked and I stuffed my hands into my denim jacket.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I smiled weakly.

“Work?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I told her and looked away.

“See you next Sunday? Unless you want to get a drink sometime during the week.” Mona had Emma in her arms and was beginning to walk away.

“I’ll let you know,” I replied. I knew I wouldn’t have time during the week.

“Elsie!” Mona called out to me. She was far enough away to have to shout. “I’m sorry I said anything!”

I waved at her and smiled. She’d ruined my day.

I sighed, walking in the opposite direction. She was my sister. I understood her concern, but I didn’t need it. Couldn’t she see I was doing fine? I was happy with my work, busy and distracted. I hadn’t thought about Jared in several months.

Now, because she’d mentioned him, I knew I’d spend the day thinking about him. I hated that feeling of helplessness…of knowing there was nothing I could do about it.

By the time I got to my apartment, I felt desperate for a hot shower. I needed to wash off the sticky feeling from my body. Like I could feel his presence around me, like I could hear his voice and see his smile.

I was fine till Mona mentioned him and now I felt like someone had knocked the breath out of my lungs.