I had the pregnancy test in hand. I’d seen the results, but I was still in disbelief. In fact, my bathroom had another six pregnancy tests scattered around. I wanted to be absolutely sure, and now I was. Still, I couldn’t believe it.

Mechanically, I washed my hands, dried them with a towel, and when I was about to leave the bathroom, I stopped. I’d caught sight of myself in the mirror and I stopped to look.

What did I look like? Long straight hair, too-pale skin, regular blue eyes with dark circles. I didn’t see the face of a mother. I saw the face of an overworked professional, one who wasn’t ready to be a mother.

My life was limited to my work. With the money that Jared had donated, the project of building wells in North Africa was in full swing. I wanted to return the money. I didn’t want him thinking that he owed me anything.

But in order to return that money, I would have to get in touch with him. I didn’t want to do that. I knew it would physically hurt me to hear his voice again. I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

Besides, the charity was benefiting hugely from the donation. We were over-budget for the project now and it was for a great cause. How could I possibly take it away?

So, we went ahead with it. I was due to leave for Tunisia in two weeks. I had been looking forward to that. Time away from the States might be just the kind of distraction I needed from Jared, I believed.

And now, I was pregnant.

With his baby.

Wherever I went, I would be carrying a piece of him. It would be impossible to forget about him. I didn’t know if I could even travel to Tunisia in this condition.

I turned away from the mirror. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t know if I would make a good mother.

For years, I craved a family. Even though I immersed myself in work, I knew that having a child — building a family — was truly the thing I wanted.

Despite being hopelessly in love with Jared still, I dated other people often. I was on the hunt for the right man, who would make me forget about Jared. Make me believe in real romance and true love. No such man had come along, and the hopes of building a family was nonexistent too.

And now, I was pregnant…soon to be a mother. This was what I’d always wanted! A child.

But Jared’s? Did I really want that?

How would I ever explain to this child that its father didn’t love its mother? That he didn’t even know about it.

This would also mean that I’d have to break up with Cedric.

Cedric and I met a week after I returned from Vermont. He was the head of development at the organization we were working closely with for the project in Africa. Since we were working on the same project, Cedric and I ended up spending a lot of time together.

When he asked me out to dinner a week later, I couldn’t say no. What reason did I have? I was aware that he could be my rebound, that I might end up using him to get over Jared. However, he was my best option right now.

He was handsome, kind and thoughtful, and we had the same professional interests. According to Mona, he was my perfect match.

The past three weeks that we’d been dating, had actually gone smoothly. We were supposed to travel to Tunisia together, which would allow us a lot of time to spend in each other’s company. I was grateful for Cedric; he was helping me get over Jared.

I was hopeful for our future. I was optimistic that maybe Cedric was the man…the one I could finally build a long-term relationship with.

And now, I was pregnant with another man’s child. The man who was the love of my life! I couldn’t expect Cedric to understand. I wouldn’t expect him to continue our relationship despite this fact. It was over. I would have to tell him the truth soon and break up with him.

Eventually, everything led back to Jared. Everything was always his fault!

Back in my bedroom, I heard my phone ring.

It was Cedric calling. I’d already ignored several of his calls before; I’d been so caught up with the pregnancy tests.

“Hey, you. Been busy?” he asked. I could sense that he was driving. Cedric sounded calm and in a good mood, exactly the way Jared never was. They were so different. Cedric was the one I needed in my life.

“Yeah, kind of. Family emergency,” I lied.

“Oh, anything I can do to help? I was just driving home from work. I thought we could get a bite to eat?” he continued, and I sat down at the edge of my bed.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can get away tonight. Can I call you tomorrow?” I tried not to break down over the phone.

“Yeah, of course. Are you okay, Elsie? You sound…I don’t know, different.” I could hear the concern in his voice and I felt guilty. This man didn’t deserve what was coming for him. I knew he genuinely cared for me.

“I’m fine, Cedric, thank you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I ended the call before he could say more.

I needed to be by myself. Wrap my head around the fact that, in eight months, I was going to bring a child into this world. A child who belonged to Jared as much as it belonged to me.

Now I knew that I would never be able to get away from him.

“I’m pregnant,” I told Mona two days later.

We were sitting on our usual bench at the park. Emma was playing on the swings like always. This time I was going to make sure I didn’t lose sight of her.

Mona’s jaw dropped, but she was quick to clamp her mouth shut again. I could see that she was trying to assess my mood about it. Was she supposed to celebrate this revelation or sympathize?

“Elsie…that’s…” She reached for my hand and clasped it tightly. “It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it? You wanted a family.” She was smiling weakly as she spoke.

Exactly. I wanted a family. A family consisted of children and a set of parents. I was going to be a single mother, trying to raise her child alone. How was that supposed to be a family?

I didn’t want to burden Mona with this right now, so I smiled at her and nodded.

“Yes,” I replied, and she patted my hand.

“Elsie…before we talk about anything else. I want you to know that I will always be there for you. You will have all the help you need and you will never have to feel alone.” Mona spoke softly and I reached for her and hugged her tight.

It was true. I wasn’t going to be completely alone. I would always have my sister. Maybe it would be some sort of a family after all.

When I finally pulled away from her, she cocked her head to the side and peered into my eyes.

“Have you told him? What does he think about it?” she asked. I shook my head.

“No, I haven’t told him! I haven’t spoken to him at all!” I declared, and Mona’s brows furrowed in confusion.

“Why would you not? I know it wasn’t planned and you only started dating, but I’m sure he would want to know! He sounds like a reasonable man.”

Now I understood who she thought was the father of the child. She thought it was Cedric. I stared at her and gulped. I hadn’t told her that Jared and I slept together. She had no clue.

“Mona, Cedric and I haven’t…we haven’t had sex yet,” I revealed to her.

My sister’s face grew pink for a second. She was surprised to hear it, and at the same time, she was trying to work out who it could be instead. I saw the precise moment when the realization hit her. The only other person it could be besides Cedric.

“You slept with him?” she asked, and I looked away from her. Focusing on Emma on the swings instead. Mona remained silent for a few moments.

“When? At his cabin?” she persisted soon after.

I kept my face firmly turned from her.

“And before that too, while he was in Chicago,” I confessed.

I heard Mona breathe in sharply. I could sense that she wasn’t pleased to learn the truth. She thought it was poor judgement on my part…and I agreed with her. But what could I do about it now? It was done.

“Mona…” I tried to say but she interrupted me.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Elsie. I can understand,” she said.

That wasn’t what I was expecting to hear from her.

“No, I shouldn’t have done it! I should have known better than to sleep with a man who forgot about me for an entire decade! I was fooling myself. I don’t know why I thought for even a second that it could lead to something more.” I had tears brimming in my eyes. My hatred and anger for myself grew with every word that came out of my mouth.

“You’re in love with him!” Mona’s voice rose. She fixed her eyes firmly on me. “Stop blaming yourself, Elsie! You have always been in love with that brute and you couldn’t help yourself!”

I gulped and looked away from her. I didn’t want Mona to take my side. I wanted her to scold and rage and list out all the things I’d done wrong. I needed assurance that loving Jared was the wrong thing to do.

I felt my sister’s arm around my neck. She was pulling me in for another hug. This time, I allowed the tears to flow. I hadn’t cried or really had any outward reaction since I found out about the pregnancy. For the past two days, I’d been walking around in a shell. Doing my job and ignoring Cedric’s calls. I hadn’t allowed myself to acknowledge what I was really feeling.

What I was really feeling was complete misery.

I had always wanted to be a mother, and now I was going to be one. I loved this child, because it was growing inside me. But the fact that it was Jared’s messed up everything. My child would always remind me of him, which meant that I would always be miserable. There was no escaping that.

“Elsie, honey, you have to tell him.” Mona pulled herself away from me and peered pleadingly into my eyes. I shook my head, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

“I can’t, Mona, I’m not going to. I can’t tell him because I know he wouldn’t want me or the child. And even if he says he does, he’ll be faking it,” I argued.

Mona’s face was taut with worry and angst. She loved me, she wanted what was best for me, and she could see that I was suffering.

“Elsie, please, trust me,” she insisted, and I shook my head.

“I won’t tell him, Mona. You can’t make me. Please, don’t make me!”

“Elsie!” she snapped. I clamped my mouth shut at the tone of her voice.

“I have something to tell you. Before you say anything, please just hear me out,” she said. Mona was breathing harshly, trying to calm herself. What could she possibly have to say now?

From the look on her face, I could see that she had been keeping a secret from me.

“Mona, what is it?” I was suddenly afraid. The color had vanished from my sister’s face. She was guilty and nervous and worried. Whatever she was going to tell me, she knew I wouldn’t take it well.

“Elsie,” she said softly and reached for my hand. “I know why Jared left all those years ago. Why he left without telling you anything.”

I was confused. Why would Mona know about Jared’s personal reasons? They had never been friends…she didn’t even like him! I’d never seen them speaking to each other once, save for that dinner! Unless…was something going on between them? Just the thought of that horrified me.

“How would you know that?” I cried, and Mona looked down at our hands.

“Because Mom told me,” she replied, and I yanked my hand away from hers.

This was getting more confusing by the second. How would our mother have known the truth, any more than Mona?

“What did she say? How did she know?”

Mona sighed deeply and met my eyes. I could see she was struggling to get the words out.

“Do you remember that dinner? The night before Jared left town?” she asked. Of course, I remembered! It was the last time I saw him. It was the night I was going to tell him I was in love with him!

When I didn’t respond, Mona continued. She knew I remembered.

“Well, after dinner, you and I remained in the kitchen. We were washing the dishes while Jared went to the living room with Mom and Dad,” Mona continued. She was telling me things I knew already.

“What happened?” I snapped. I was growing restless.

“Well, Mom told me that they spoke to Jared. They were worried about you and wanted to know what his intentions with you were,” Mona said.

“His intentions? What the hell was she thinking? We were just friends!” I raged. Mona shook her head.

“Don’t be silly, Elsie. I think we’re way past that now. We all knew how you felt about him. It was obvious. It may have begun as friendship when you guys were kids, but we all knew what it had grown into,” Mona continued.

I didn’t know how to feel. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. Mom and Dad had a conversation with Jared behind my back!

“What did they ask him?” I hissed through gritted teeth.

“They asked him what he felt about you,” Mona replied.

I bit down on my lip to stop the tears…the shame.

“Elsie…honey, he admitted to them that he cared about you. He told them that he was in love with you,” Mona revealed.

The world seemed to stop moving as I sat there. Mona’s voice was beginning to fade to the background. I was picturing Jared, ten years ago, sitting in our living room. Mom and Dad standing over him threateningly.

“They weren’t happy to hear that,” Mona stated. I jerked my face up to look at her again. My eyes narrowed with rage. I thought I loved my parents, but right then, I felt a lot of hatred towards them.

“What did they say to him?” I snapped. Mona gulped, looking down at her lap again.

“Mom told Jared that if he said anything to you, if he tried to…have something with you, then it would ruin your life,” Mona told me in a quiet voice.

I let out a sharp cry and covered my mouth with my hands. I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me.

“Dad told him that he had to leave town, that if he didn’t then you would have no future,” Mona continued, and I shook my head. My parents were the ones who drove Jared out of town!

“Honey…” Mona murmured and reached for my shoulder. “You have to understand that Mom and Dad were looking out for you. When they saw Jared, they saw a bad-boy on a bike with no future prospects. A guy who got into trouble all the time, who had grown up in a violent, broken-down household. They thought they were protecting you!” Mona continued.

I yanked myself away from her and stood up from the bench.

“And you! You all! You kept this from me all these years!” I raged, picking up my bag. Mona stood up too.

“Elsie, hate me all you want, but I didn’t want you to get hurt. I know what they did was wrong, but I couldn’t change things. Jared was gone and I wanted you to move on with your life!” Mona tried to argue but I wasn’t listening to her.

They were all responsible for how miserable I’d been all these years.

“Elsie, please, just tell him about the baby. He’s always loved you. He left town because he thought it was the right thing to do. He did it for you!” Mona cried.

I gritted my teeth and narrowed my eyes at her angrily.

“I need to go. I don’t want to hear your voice right now. Tell Emma I’m sorry, but I can’t be here now,” I hissed.

“Elsie…please, I’m sorry. I love you. I just wanted you to be happy. Please!” Mona was crying when I turned from her.

Nothing she said now would make a difference. For ten years, I’d suffered. For ten years, I’d listened to her complain about how wrong Jared was for disappearing. And all this time, she’d known the truth. What was that protecting me from?

I ran out of the park, headed for my apartment.

This changed nothing. I still couldn’t tell Jared about the baby. He may have loved me once…teenage puppy love. He didn’t feel the same anymore.

No, Mona’s confession hadn’t changed anything. It had just made me realize that I couldn’t trust anybody. Not even my own family.

From now on, it would just be me and my baby alone against the world.