I’d only been gone a little over a month, but it felt like a lifetime.

“Coming or going?” The balding man in the aisle seat gave me a friendly smile. His accent marked him as being from Glasgow. “Are you going to visit or coming home?”

I answered honestly, my voice soft, “I’m not sure.”

He gave me an odd look, but I was already turning my attention back toward the window. It was evening, but since it was August, it was still light enough for me to see out the window. The Statue of Liberty was visible in the distance, reminding me of the first time I saw it.

Then, I’d been full of hope, eager to start the new adventure. Now, as I looked at the city I once considered home, all I felt was dread.

Staying in Ireland hadn’t been appealing either. Not with everyone giving me sideways looks, wondering just how much of the truth I was telling about my life in America. I hadn’t exactly given anyone much to go on either. I’d said it was because I wanted to focus on Mam, but it was a weak-sounding excuse that I doubted most of my family had believed. Once everything had started getting back to normal, my reason for being there faded.

Mam had been in the hospital only for a couple days, but the doctors had wanted to run some tests when they hadn’t been able to find an initial cause for her passing out. Of course, I stayed to see through the results, which had basically said she needed to change her diet, and then I’d spent time with each of my siblings and their families. But there was only so much time someone could claim to be taking as a vacation. I’d needed to make a choice.

Not that there really was a choice as far as I was concerned.

I couldn’t stay, not when I’d left things unfinished here.

Not when I didn’t know what I wanted.

The descent into JFK was smooth and drama free, but it didn’t ease the knots in my stomach. The text message I’d sent to Alix ending things had shown as being read, but he hadn’t sent back a response. I hadn’t expected him to, not after I told him we were through, but that lack of expectation hadn’t explained itself to my heart.

I missed him.

As hacked off as I’d been at him, I was hurt that he hadn’t replied, hadn’t fought for me.

Part of it was on me though too. I’d been on an emotional edge when I’d gotten his texts and voicemails, and I’d reacted impulsively rather than thinking things through like I usually did. I’d let what happened with my mom cloud my judgment when it came to dealing with Alix, and I shouldn’t have. I should have called him and explained what’d happened. Then, if he’d still behaved like a total asshole, my anger could have been justified.

“Here you go, lass.” The Scot pulled my bag from the overhead compartment and handed it to me. “You be safe.”

“Thank you,” I said as I took my bag. I kept my head down as I followed the other passengers off the plane.

I didn’t have anyone waiting for me since I hadn’t told anyone I was coming back. Not that I would’ve had anyone to call. I’d burned whatever ties I had to people here when I left without an explanation. I made my way to the exit where taxis would be parked, and as I stepped outside, the heat hit me hard enough to make me stagger back a step. Humidity so thick that it felt like breathing water. The cloying smell of pavement and diesel that would include other scents as I went into Manhattan.

I was back.

No more putting off thinking about it or pretending that it wasn’t happening. The time I spent in Ireland felt like some sort of dream, an out of body experience. I’d focused on my family and hadn’t let myself think about New York too much. I hadn’t been able to put it completely out of my mind, but it’d still been enough to keep me from having to acknowledge the full extent of what awaited me until this very moment.

The little bit of psychology I knew said that the sense of smell was the one most powerfully linked to memories. One whiff of something could bring back a host of memories and emotions, and with every breath I took, I was pulled back into the life I had abandoned five weeks ago.

I scrubbed at my cheeks, wiping away the evidence of the tears that had spilled over without my consent. I’d spent too much time over the past five weeks crying to start it all over again now. Once I was safely in my own apartment again, I might allow myself to give in, but I wouldn’t do it here.

I opened the door to the cab and slid my bag into the backseat next to me. I gave him the address and settled back in the seat. I’d arrived not too long after the worst of rush hour traffic, so the streets were still going to be crowded, but as much as I wanted to be back in my own place, I was grateful for the slow pace.

My landlord had been understanding when I’d called to tell him my predicament. He’d agreed to hold my apartment as long as I kept him in the loop about when I’d be coming back, and I’d sent him a letter last week with August’s rent, letting him know I planned to return this month. That, plus a plane ticket back, had drained my bank account. I had enough left for the necessities, but I’d need to start looking for work right away.

I paid the driver, then headed to the door. I rubbed my palms against my jeans and flexed my fingers. My heart thudded against my chest as adrenaline flooded through me. I could have waited to do this, gathered my courage. Called first.

If I put it off, though, things would only get harder. I needed to have this done so I could start planning for my future.

I knocked and waited. It was possible he wasn’t here, but I was hoping he was. If not, I’d have to figure out a way to get past the doorman at his building, and that would just make matters even more complicated than they already were.

After a couple minutes, I reached for the door. If it was locked, I’d go to his apartment. The door opened easily though, and I stepped inside. I knew there was a chance I’d be interrupting Alix and some woman, but if that was the case, then I deserved the heartache such a sight would offer. What had happened between us was as much my fault as it was his.

The first thing I felt when I saw him standing by the table was relief that he was alone. Then I really saw him, and a stab of pain went through my heart. Even from his profile, I could see dark smudges under his eyes. A bit of scruff on his usually close-shaven face. Clothes rumpled.

As that all registered, I also saw that there were no pictures on the walls. No equipment or props to be seen. The place was virtually empty.

“Alix.” I said his name softly, not wanting to startle him, but he jumped anyway.

He turned the rest of the way toward me, eyes widening.

Before he could say anything at all, I blurted out the words that had brought me here straight from the airport. The words that were the reason I hadn’t had a choice about coming back to New York. The words that had changed everything for me...and would do the same for him.

“I’m pregnant.”