Cuba
Jackson,
I was an asshole again. Every time I try to say something nice, I end up insulting her instead. I managed to not only call her stupid, but I called her basic when I really meant she was too smart to have dated Dex Collins, and that I think she got sexier rapping along to one of my favorite songs. She says she has a date, but I don’t believe her, or I don’t want to know. I know I can’t have her, but the thought of someone else with her, man, it kind of pisses me off. But what pisses me off a little more is that Dex had her, how the hell did that happen? Anyway, I have to go see Oliver.
Later.
-C
My session with Oliver is always the same, he asks me how I am, he asks about school, about my family and friends, he even asks about my session with Bliss. I keep all my answers the same, everything is okay, I’m getting better. Except when Arrow’s eyes flash in my head, and I’m reminded that a part of me is still angry, and that emotion is being used on the wrong person. But I don’t tell Oliver that, he’ll just try to read into it, and come up with some other bullshit that I can’t deal with right now. I refuse to let him know he might be right about me holding onto some anger from Jackson’s death.
I was such an asshole to her this morning, I didn’t plan to be, but when I saw Dex gripping her wrist and heard her telling him to let go, something just turned inside me, and my good intentions subsided. I didn’t want that dick touching her. When she said he was her ex, I was so upset because she deserves better than him, definitely better than someone like me. So once the snide comments started, I couldn’t stop, but damn if she didn’t put me in my place. Those stormy eyes held me in place until I let her win, her little dress and heels didn’t help at all, they just made me want to pull her into my lap and mess up that sexy ass hair more. She’s driving me crazy.
After my uneventful session, I decide to meet up with Cameron at some pizza place near campus, we were supposed to meet next Thursday but I’m starving, and he texted asking if I wanted to grab a pizza with him and Ash, another guy from the team I use to hang out with. I need to get back to living, one step at a time.
When I park outside of Anna’s pizza, I see Cameron’s red mustang and know they are already here. Grabbing my baseball cap, I pull it down on my head, right above my eyes. I still don’t want people to notice me just yet. It’s not like I’m some type of celebrity, but I was pretty popular, and I don’t want anyone asking where I have been. I don’t want to see the pity in their eyes.
When I walk through the doors I automatically see the two guys in a back corner. Ignoring the cute little hostess, I make my way to them. Cameron sees me first, a big ass smile spreads across his face, and he stands up to do the team hand shake, like old times, except it’s not, Jackson isn’t here anymore.
“What’s up man, it’s good to see you.” He takes a seat and motions for me to sit. Cameron looks like he could be the singer Tyrese’s little brother, I swear they have the same dark color and big ass smile with shiny white teeth. He’s even the jokester of the team.
“Same.” I nod looking over to Ash. “When did you get a man bun?”
He laughs. “I was just waiting for you to say something. My girl likes my long hair, so I just never cut it.” Most people are surprised when they learn Ash is a basketball player and not a pro surfer, but dude kills it on the court.
“Still dating Amanda?” They have been dating since we were freshman.
“Yeah, love of my fucking life.” He smiles fondly. “But how have you been?”
I swallow. “I’m good, catching up to come back next semester.”
Before Ash can say anything, a waitress bounces up to our table, her bright red hair swaying behind her. “I’m Nikki, what can I get you guys to drink?” Her green eyes take the three of us in, and she bites her lip.
“We’ll take three waters and a pitcher of Blue Moon.” Cameron doesn’t even look at her as he taps away on him phone. “And a large Pepperoni.” He looks up and flashes her one of his smiles. “Thanks, Nikki.”
She smiles and nods her head. “Of course, I’ll be back.” She skips off.
“Definitely getting her number later.” He laughs. Ash just shakes his head.
“Anyway, have you thought about coming back?” Ash looks down at the table brushing away invisible crumbs. I know what he’s asking, even Cameron leans in closer.
“I don’t know yet, I don’t know if I can.” Rubbing the back of my neck, I shake my head.
Ash nods, understanding. “He would want you to come back. I’m not saying that because we want you to come back, but because you belong there.”
I know Jackson would want me to play, to make our dreams a reality. It’s just hard to wrap my mind around it. I know practice starts in a month, coach has reached out with the schedule, I guess hoping I might show.
Nikki comes back with our waters and the pitcher of beer, she also sets a basket of bread sticks on the table before swaying away again. Cameron pours the beer and I debate drinking it. It’s been awhile since I’ve drank, and I can control myself, I’m in a better place I remind myself. This is my last year, I can’t hide from everything, even if I want to.
For the next hour, we eat pizza, down beer, and talk shit about the school’s other sports teams. The football team is trash, and the baseball team is a hit or miss. We don’t even get into the hockey team; those fuckers think their toothless asses are God’s gift to women. The basketball team went all the way to the final four last year and elite eight this year. They’ve been holding it down since everything fell apart. The team didn’t abandon me like I did them, they just gave me my space, and I couldn’t even give them a text back until now, a little over a year later.
Cameron’s eyes widen. “What the fuck, that can’t be who I think it is.” He tosses down his third slice. “What’s he doing out here?”
Ash looks over my shoulder and then to me. “Cuba don’t say shit, fuck him.”
Frowning and confused, I spin around on my stool, that’s when I see Aaron Fucking James, the point guard from NCU. Let’s say I’m Larry Bird and he’s Magic Johnson, our beef is well known. What the hell is he doing on the west coast? He turns to talk to a blonde that is walking beside him. I know those blonde waves and stormy eyes. My jaw ticks. Chris my ass. She lied. Two more familiar faces come into view, India Daniels, the cheerleader, and Alex James from the hockey team.
“Is Alex his fucking relative?” I look back to Cam and Ash.
“Fuck if I know.” Cam shrugs. “Looks like he’s on a date, damn she’s sexy, isn’t that Dex’s ex-girlfriend? I heard she caught him getting his dick sucked by Amber.” I tune him out and look back to where the group is seated about five tables away.
Grabbing my beer, I slide off the stool. “I’m going to say hello.”
I hear Cam and Ash scramble to get off their stools to follow me. I hear them whisper-scream my name, but I ignore them.
“Arrow.” I slide into the open seat next her, my eyes on Aaron. “What did I tell you about dating clowns, thought you learned from the last one.”
“Cuba fucking Knight, I heard you were gone,” Aaron says before Bliss can say anything. “I didn’t see you last year or this year, what happened?” He looks over to where Cam and Ash sit next to him.
“Where’s your partner in crime, oh wait-“
“I wouldn’t finish that sentence,” I grit through my teeth in warning,
A hand grips my thigh under the table. “What are you doing here?” Bliss speaks, forcing me to look at her. She doesn’t look upset, like earlier today, she looks curious like she knows something is wrong.
“Eating,” I say, and I regret it when I realize the sarcasm. “Then I saw you out here making bad decisions.”
“Looks like the only wrong decision she made is knowing you,” Aaron chimes in.
“What the hell is going on?” India leans forward eyeing me. I’ve known her since freshman year, but we never really spoke. “I mean it’s good to see you guys but what is happening?”
Cam gets up. “Nothing, we were just saying hi.” He flashes a smile and looks to me. I nod and glance over to Bliss.
“See you next week, Arrow. Chris seems real nice.” Yeah, I’m being an asshole because the thought of this dick touching her will fuck with me. Her eyes meet mine, widening remembering what she told me.
“See you then.” She swallows and looks down at her hands.
Standing up, I give Aaron another look. Don’t fucking touch her. He just smiles, and it takes everything in me to walk away, and not deck him in the mouth. I don’t even look back at Bliss, she could have told me to go to hell, or go off on me after how I acted earlier. Instead, she just sat there, and that throws me off.
“I know that’s Dex’s ex, but shit, is she your ex too or something?” Cam asks once we’re in the parking lot.
“Sure, seemed like a lets see whose dick is bigger moment.” Ash leans against my G-Wagon.
Brushing them off, I shake my head. “I just wanted to fuck with him,” I lie. “I’m out, thanks for the invite.” They don’t say anything as I get in. Ash pushes off and stands next to Cam, both give a short wave as I pull out of the spot and drive away. I need to run or do anything to get this anger out. My first thought is to hit up a girl to come over, but my dick can’t get hard for just anyone right now. I only want one pair of eyes looking up at me and, right now, they are still in that restaurant. Fuck me.
The thing I loved most about playing basketball was the freedom, just being out on the court gave me peace. The echo of the ball bouncing off the polished wood floor now brings heartache, yet a calm follows, flowing through my blood, and I run down the court that I used to grace more than half the year. The ball leaves hand to hand, under and over moving legs on the path to the goal.
Breathing heavily, I make my way down the court for the hundredth time in the last hour. After leaving the restaurant I couldn’t go home, I was too wound up from seeing Aaron, and even more pissed off that Bliss was seated across from him on a fucking date. I wanted to text her after I left, to apologize about how I acted, but then I remembered she is still around that asshole. How the hell does she even know him?
Stopping at the three-point line, I bend my knees, jumping to take the shot, and landing back on my feet as I watch the ball swiftly go through the net. Basketball always calmed me down, it was my happy place for so long… until it wasn’t. But now I’m slowly falling back in love with the sport that was my life.
Sinking to the floor, I drape my arms over my bent knees, around me the banners from the first two championships we won our freshman and sophomore years, I was MOP both times. There is no way I would have gotten that if it wasn’t for Jackson always having my back. It’s been months since I stepped foot on this court, at first, I would just sneak in at night and sit on the sideline, letting the memories wash over me. I started to come and play a few weeks ago, part of me is ready to feel the freedom again but joining the team again is a whole different story. Without Jackson, I don’t know if I can be the same player.
This void that I have been living in is slowly disappearing the more I try to live again, to be normal again, but if losing this void means I move on from Jackson, I don’t know if I can do it. I know everyone thinks that enough is enough, and I need to get over it, but how does one get over the death of someone that was basically my brother. No one understood the bond we had, he was my soul brother.
I almost lost my shit back there when Aaron started to bring up Jackson in front of Bliss. The college basketball world is aware of what happened, surprisingly teams around the US made a fund for him, sent cards and flowers almost every week. I was told that some flew out for his funeral. That’s another regret that sits on me, that I didn’t show my face because I was too drunk and doped up that I couldn’t get off the floor. The shame will haunt me forever.
I hear my phone sound off on the bench. Pushing up on my feet, I walk over and pick it up, I stare at the name of the person that sent the text. It’s Bliss.
Arrow: Are you okay?
I’m a complete dick to her and still she reaches out to me. I want to text her back, tell her I’m okay but the other side of me wants to tell her to mind her own business. I don’t say either. Instead, I slip my phone in the pocket of my basketball shorts and grab my keys.
“Baby, that’s a loaded question,” I say to myself. She has no idea how far away I am from being okay.